Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

That sounds very familar, sadly 😥

DH and I both have a rotten cold - he gets very 'man flu' about things and insists he can barely get out of bed. Hope it passes soon.

Two weeks on the ADHD meds and he's not sure these meds/dose is right, as it's messing with his sleep, though that said, it doesn't much worse than usual as he pretty often has wakes in the night anyway? So I feel like it's maybe a bit soon to say that it must be the meds.

He's getting some traction with job/contract interviews - more stuff seems to be coming up now we're into autumn, so feeling a bit more optimistic he might land something before year is out. He might well get a short gig relaunching a website for a charity/campaigning group who will pay, but I'm guessing that will only be a few weeks' work. Better than nothing though.

I’ve been asking questions to ChatGPT around demand avoidance, autism etc…. Asked how will an NT adapt to it.
it came up with 6~7 ways, including avoidance (that’s MIL), overfunctioning up to the point of burnt out/illness (That’s me), living separate lives etc…
None, absolutely none of them being healthy. 😢😢

Im not sure what to think about it.
Its like, at the same time, no I haven’t been crazy/lazy/over reacting etc…
But part of me still wish things would have been different

@Echobelly hope you’re getting better and it’s just a cold rather than Covid/the flu

Hope you both feel better soon @Echobelly we all had horrid colds here too, my paediatric nurse friend told me there is a lot of covid around at the moment and she had it quite badly a couple of weeks ago.

I agree that many of the suggested coping mechanisms for ND NT relationships seem rather unhealthy @SpecialMangeTout3 not sure what the solution is but it doesn't seem fair at all.

Not sure ND ND relationships have a fairer set of adaptations either but it probably depends on the individuals involved and how aware they are. Maybe if both parties go into the relationships with a clear idea of their needs atound their ND and an open conversation about how they can fairly adapt around each other, then perhaps there is a greater chance of both parties having their needs met, but that would depend on both parties being already diagnosed and fully accepting of their situation. None of which my generation is likely to be.

Yeah, both on the mend. Saturday night DH did that thing that drives me nuts when I have clearly told him during the day I am not well - and I mean really directly, I have learned saying things like 'I think I've got that thing the kids had' is not direct enough, like telling him 'I am not well enough to do X' - and in the evening I mention it again and he says 'Oh, I didn't realise you weren't well' 🙄

Coping mechanisms if you're NT married to someone ASC? My comments.

• Strong sense of self
• Clear morals and boundaries
• Self-control
• A generous heart
• Ability to accept affection in the spirit in which it's given.

And

• Meditation
• Your own friends including a discreet friend or two who listen
• Your own recreational activities
• Your own space (literally and metaphorically)

I can't say I am or do all those things but it's what I aspire to.

@Catullus5 i agree with you about needing all of those.

I think, for me, what makes it so hard is the demand avoidance. And the way it comes out - not by having a meltdown, getting angry etc… but by being avoidant, not answering or answering Yes when he means No etc…
I don’t know how to deal with that. I often can’t even get an answer to ‘what are you doing this weekend?’ Even when his plans are already set.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore yes, im sure it’s not easy on the side either 😢. And better self awareness, lower anxiety, better scaffolding, all of that will make things easier. I see it in dc2 vs dh.
Just now, it feels like theres no answer.

What I worry about now is my kids (all ND) relationships in the future, although @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore 's comment that perhaps it can work if there is self awareness enough gives me hope. I am doing a lot of scaffolding in my house at the moment and doing battle with the education system for DD1 and I am really really struggling to concentrate (or care about) work, which is not good. H is deep in his own stuff so not present in any positive way, and work is really demanding atm. Sigh.

@DeQuin I’m currently raising my son with a seriously high level of self awareness, poor sod saw therapists of one kind or another for a good few years so he’s learnt that we discuss stuff and emotions are ok, fortunately he’s on the empathic side of things.
He recently bit the bullet and apologised to good friends for being an arse when they pulled him up about an aspect of his behaviour, there was no denial of said behaviour just an acceptance that he’d screwed up. Learning to put your hands up and apologise is a skill everyone should learn, knowing that usually things are ok afterwards if you never intended to cause upset is a good thing. We model this ability to apologise when necessary and make clear our own flaws when we give him examples.
DH and I have grown together as people (26 years together), he’s become more self aware with age, as have I. It hasn’t always been easy but we usually push through to a good place again. What pp said about boundaries is true, but also DH doesn’t really do nasty at all and we’ve both never gone in for personal insults when we argue which probably helps. Although I’ve bitten my tongue a lot on occasion I know that stuff doesn’t solve anything and is just me mouthing off. Friends get to hear the “he’s so fucking annoying” bit, but I try to avoid verbally attacking him in anger.

Sorry should add DH & DS are both AuDHD and I’m NT!

@Pashazade this is Somethimg I wish I had done when dc2 was much younger. Being aware of your feelings, actions, triggers is so helpful! For everyone really.

Good list @Catullus5 - I do think it helps that I do have a strong sense of self/self esteem and I very seldom take things personally. I'm good at stopping myself saying things that might wound - I won't lie, they've been on the tip of my tongue sometimes when things blow up, but I can stop myself when I think about the harm jut would do to say it.

Had a good catch up with psychologist yesterday to say we think the focus on counselling should move to DS now, and she has him on a waiting list for counselling at school, should he/therapist think he needs it after an initial session. We agreed to have one more session with her and DS to discuss the specific issue of 'asking for help' which is still a thing where DS will literally stare at a blank screen for an hour when he's stuck and not ask for help.

Also touched on how DH is very fixated that he can't trust the school because we got the message that DS was doing fine in French, then we got the news he was being taken off French GCSE. I think it was just one teacher who wasn't good at communicating bad news and we have specific enough feedback from other teachers that I think it's sincere. DH does sometimes get really fixed on a negative opinion and won't let go of it and he keeps coming back to this.

@Echobelly is your dh doing better either his meds or it’s still not clear?

Dh has been better here in the last few weeks. I think our last talks with me asserting clearly my boundaries has shaken him up somehow.

The problem is that it’s basically has highlighted that he was been stonewalling me for years. Or at least, it feels like that 😢😢

They were just starting to have an effect he thinks, and I think maybe they were. For one thing, although it was interrupting his sleep, he was coping better than he usually does when he's not sleeping well! But he's been getting bad leg pain, which can be a side effect and wants to stop this particular drug - the prescribing doctor asked him to get that checked out first before just giving up so he went to a walk-in today and the Dr confirmed it probably was a side effect and best to change meds, plus gave him a letter to say so. He's going to talk to them tomorrow about trying something else.

@SpecialMangeTout3 maybe the way to deal with demand avoidance is simply to say what your own plans are and then just carry them out unless he engages? A good way of maintaining boundaries without resorting to manipulation.

Oh it’s not that much boundaries that are an issue. 1,5 years of therapy has very much helped there.

It’s the fact that dh has realised I really have enough and have a foot out of the door. So he is stepping up. He is talking to me again. Like a normal person. Not long chitchat etc… Just acknowledging I’m in the room or sat in front of him, answering my questions about his special interests etc….
Which is highlighting how his refusal to talk or engage was a choice and closer to stonewalling rather than autism.

I can see why that would be very painful @SpecialMangeTout3 and the realisation that it's a choice is quite infuriating!

And this wasn’t just autism.
Because that ps not the forced, scripted conversations were having. But just the normal ones we used to have. The ones he has with other people.

I just didn’t realise how bad it had become. It just became worse and worse with time.

This us the hard bit, when you realise that some if the behaviours aren't actually down to ND, but you've become so accustomed to it. It's like you've been accommodating for something which perhaps didn't need accommodating for. ND yes, unkind behaviour, no.

I've just starting to re-read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, the paper-copy this time as had only read PDF online before. I know it's not about ND men but deary me there's a lot of light bulb moments for me there. The fact that H can hold it in around other people (mostly), that his needs take up more than the fair share on the family and many, many more things. H is truly an angry man, in a subtle and mostly passive aggressive way, and we tiptoe around him and his moods!

I think some ND people and just emotionally immature people are very similar in lots of ways which are hard to pull apart . I don’t mean that in a bad way as I’m ND for sure. But I know what I struggle with and I own up and I want to come to compromises. Some people are just like children and you can’t have an adult relationship with a child.

I think men especially struggle with compromise at the best of times but an ND man who had never been taught about others feelings and needs and never learnt not to expect everyone to gravitate around them must be a nightmare. It’ll be like arguing with a 5 year old.

This is it, it feels like having a tantruming 5 year around the house at times.