Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

@Echobelly I know how this feels. It’s crazy that you’re paying for all of it. We’ve had that at times, but thankfully never for five years. That’s a lot to carry. I bet you feel like the only grown up.

Do you have a plan for the conversation? Is he likely to get angry or defensive? I’ve found that a letter to get the conversation started can work well. It means he has time to think and doesn’t feel quite so attacked. It’s not easy though.

I'm not sure how he'll react , we've just never had this kind of convo. He's not taking advantage, I think he's just kind of oblivious. He's sensible with money, I don't think he spends that much on himself although he also spends much less on the kids, as I am default parent. I did insist he pay DS pocket money and phone bill, which meant it took an age to get those sorted, but he did do it.

Now might also be a good time to talk given he has started ADHD medication as maybe that'll help he more more goal focused?

That sounds like a form of echolalia perhaps? I think I sometimes do that too. The difference with how H did it was the tone of voice which was snarky/sarcastic/baby-ish. He's done it a couple of times to me too and it's not something he used to do.

He does tend to take on accents of people he speaks to, I sometimes do this too, but it's not done in a mean way.

That sounds like a tough conversation to be had @Echobelly could you draw up a spreadsheet or something to help as a visual aid?

I’m really starting to understand just how integral empathy is to a relationship. I think lots of people want a relationship but they lack the ability to feel a relationship. When it doesn’t work it’s your fault but really it’s because they have no tools to feel what a relationship should feel like. I don’t know anyway around this. I don’t think you can grow empathy can you?

Delurking. Hello everyone. DS18 has just been diagnosed with ASD (I've known since he was 5, but DH resistant to "labels"). Cascade effect: DH now sees both ASD and ADHD in himself (relatively new to him); I am likely ASD, one DD ASD and one DD likely ADHD (mid-assessment). DH has become more trait-y as he gets older. I'm finding holding everyone and everything together harder (as kids get older, as DH gets more, as I manage menopause as well). Suspect mum, who I keep an eye on, is also ASD and is also difficult. I'm tired, trying to work, trying to get DS off to uni without the wheels coming off ... have been lurking here on and off for about ten years but I think now is the time to delurk.

I don't think that's what he needs, he just needs to be made aware. I suspect he doesn't think about where the money's coming from for holidays etc, he probably assumes I'm paying from salary not savings.

I still do have a lot in savings but we need to totally redo DS' bedroom and our car is sure to give up the ghost within a year or two, so those are two big costs. And I'd really like to replace our kitchen but I'm hoping we might win a big contract at work in the next year and get a bonus that could contribute to that, although we've just been told we have to do a whole new stage for the massive bid I supported!

@DeQuin that sounds a lot to carry, no wonder you’re exhausted, esp if you’re ND yourself.

How old are your dcs? You mention getting ds to Uni, is that this September or next year?

@Echobelly would it help to approach it as a ‘dc going to Uni next year and I want to talk about how we’re going to budget for it’?
That way you can make him aware of the cost (if he hasn’t thought about it), you can talk budgeting ahead, including the cat, the kitchen etc…., mention the dwindling savings etc…
This way you avoid the potential accusation around him not working, see if he has any savings himself etc…., he gets a wake up call and you might get some sort of agreement on how to handle it.
Have you also included student loan (the living part, not uni fees part) to help too? Even at the lowest rate, it should cover around the cost of accommodation.

@SpecialMangeTout3 thank you, yes. Just beginning to acknowledge the toll it takes on me and that's both a good thing and I think contributing to me feeling a bit worse just now! DS1 is starting uni next week; the other two DC are just starting Y12; DT1 is returning to school after 18 months out, but is today curled up in bed in the dark.

@Echobelly lots of the same stuff in this house. DH not irresponsible, but not interested (and we both work as contractors so while healthy earnings, also some insecurity). DS just starting uni and 2 x DD to start relatively soon and not sure how we are going to make that work. One step at a time in this house.

Good call @SpecialMangeTout3 - that's the most neutral way to broach it. We also have to talk that effectively once oldest goes to uni we have 6 years of this, assuming DS goes as well. He may have to make a choice as to whether he really tries to sell his product in the next 12 months or tries to go for a more stability.

If things really don't work out financially, there is the option of me going for a management role at work. I don't really want to, it's more stress than I'd like and I'm not sure how good I'd be at it, but I'd probably get a role if I went for it and it's the quickest way to get quite a lot of extra money, plus you can step back from it and there's no stigma - I have some colleagues who have.done so.

How is everyone doing here?

Weve just had our every other month ‘argument’ where I need to strongly lay boundaries down to avoid being railroaded into stuff I can’t do…

Sorry to hear that @SpecialMangeTout3 It's hard to keep strong boundaries and hoping that you can stand firm. Are you back home now? I find arguments like that extremely draining both physically and emotionally so hope you are able to look after yourself in the aftermath.

Things are very up and down here, DD is struggling with hormones/tween 'changes' and I'm getting the brunt of it daily. H is either really helpful in dealing with her strong emotions and outburst, (on some days at least) but, on other days, he is the absolute opposite and just adds fuel to the fire.

Theres no choice really.
dh asked me if I was ok for his mum to stay over at ours until her house renovations are finished. Which I said Yes. She is a nice person etc…
On paper it’s for a couple of weeks. In reality …. could be for much longer.
She is also due some heart surgery and it’s clear that we might end up looking after her at home afterwards too.
Again I don’t have an issue with that as such.
What I do have a problem with is dh casually mentioning he might need to be back in the office 3 days a week, Hes applied (internally) for a job at the factory etc…. which would mean I’d be the one caring for MIL during the day. I can barely look after myself. No way I can go up and down the stairs bringing food and cups of tea .
So yes strong boundaries needed for my and MIL welfare really.

But why, why does dh not think ahead about those things? It’s like he has this tunnel vision of ‘helping mum’, ‘need a new job’ but no sense to realise those two are likely to clash 😢😢. And ofc I’m the bad guy for mentioning it.

Nothing new in my life. Apart from I may have mislabelled family to be ND when I think we have a narc. One thing i struggled with is that I thought ND people kind of shy away from
attention, not want to be in the limelight. My mum very much does despite saying she doesn’t. She wants it all about her. Her opinion, her view etc

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore have you had anymore talks with your dh?

Not the best here, struggling along with life. Trying HRT in case it improves things. I’m just so knackered, I’ve lost my zest for life / work / kids. Approaching burnout maybe. Sending hugs to all xxx

That sounds really tricky @SpecialMangeTout3 and your DH is absolutely pushing boundaries here. Would there be a care package in place for MIL after her surgery? It needs to be very clear that you are not able to do the after surgery care and something else must be in place. Hoping the back into office doesn't clash with your MIL operation and that your DH does realise the reality of the situation. Would he actually step up and do the after op care or would he expect you to do it? In which case he is ignoring your needs!

That does sound like narc territory, are there other ND people on that side of your family? It is of course possible that the person might have developed Narc type behaviours due to their ND, as we often discuss, but maybe in this case there is a NPD issue there.

Sorry to hear you are struggling, hope the HRT improves things. My top tip is making sure you spend some time, preferably alone, outdoors in nature every single day. Even in the garden, just for a bit of mindfulness, listening to the birds, watching the changes in the leaves/trees, being aware of the changes in scents in the air, how it feels etc. This has really helped me in the past when nearing burnout. That and journalling, self care and making sure I eat well/nourish myself 🫂

Not quite yet, have a run of important occasions/birthdays over the next 3 weeks which I don't want to spoil for DD, then hoping I can pick up strength and courage to do it. Keep having wobbles!

Urgh. Nodding in recognition. Does your HRT include testosterone? I have come off it for now but in discussions with (v knowledgeable GP) she said that the zest for life thing is related to testosterone and may be worth a try.

I've just had a long weekend away with a friend, which was nice. DH had kept house pretty clean and tidy and on top of laundry. I feel a bit bad for him as I'm not feeling very patient or cuddly because I've got a horrid cold. He's still bedding in his adhd meds and getting used to it.

Adhd counsellor has emailed us about next steps - my feeling is we've fine what we can as a couple/ family group. I think the priority going forward is for DS to get individual counselling as he moves into GCSEs because he really needs some support with how to do certain things. Like he can write well but he finds writing tasks really difficult bc he gets so caught up in how the whole thing will come together that he can't even start, or make a plan and pull it into a final draft.

No testosterone @DeQuin, but maybe the Dr will give me that in the future! My ferritin is low as well, trying to get myself into the best possible ranges. Hope you get your body into balance 💐

You’re totally right. It might well be that timings will be such that it’s not going to be an issue at all.
But precedence says I need to be careful! He did something very similar when dc1 was born (new job taking him away from home 3 days a week. Leaving me on my own with a newborn, no support network, no family around etc….)

And, no. Dh hasn’t done any research re a care package for after the surgery. Nor has MIL. They’re all avoidant. Don’t do anything until the last minute. Don’t know how the system works (or doesn’t). Don’t dare demanding stuff etc…
As a result people suffer - like my FIL who spend his last 3 months on his own in hospital. No visits from anyone. No hospice care. Everyone just waiting for ‘someone’ to talk about it 😢😢

Hence needing to ‘clarify’ boundaries…..