Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

That makes sense. I think I’m autistic myself. I struggle an awful lot with situations, to the point I overcompensate because I don’t want to get it wrong. My mum on the other hand is just missing in action. I wonder why 2 people
can be so different. I don’t want people I love to be hurt from me. I can’t understand how a person can not see that someone is hurt, even if they don’t understand why.

Also I feel an arrogance and a mocking of my feelings. I get that they don’t feel the same or need the same support in return. But they seem to attribute this to a level of superiority. Because they are less feelings led they think they are achieving life better. But what they are doing is just abandoning people to their feelings. My mum encourages working, all the time, achieving, working, doing. There is no space for feeling.

I guess an awful lot depends on how you are supported and develop whilst growing up being autistic. If the “I” is never grown to include “all” then you will just not be able to understand others. Emotional intelligence needs to be grown from being small.

I’m not sure if anyone can tell you that @Percypigspjs

I think it’s like two people experiencing childhood trauma. Some go on to repeat the same pattern as parents. Others become extra sensitive, can’t stand unfairness or are set to be anything but like their parents.
why some people go down one route and the others the opposite, I have no idea.

No I don’t either. I suppose some get hard and some get soft.

So is what you are saying that it’s the trauma that the ASD person has gained by feeling differently, not being accepted or understood that causes many of the issues and not the actual ASD itself. So for example my mum has been forced to live alone, independently of feelings as a response to how she has felt left out in the world growing up. She has perhaps evolved into someone who’s had no trust in people, no need for them and now can only think of herself and her needs. Her needs have become the only thing that matters. That’s evolving on narc territory?

Gosh that’s high!

Nonsense. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

Indeed do not read all as gospel in the internet. Sounds like AI wrote that.

NPD and autism are completely different from each other. ASD is a triad of social impairments whilst NPD is a personality order on cluster B. ASD is neither a Mh condition or a personality disorder.

I think you are on to something there, not that it makes it any less painful but might explain the behaviours.

My DM is likely ASD too (she has helped me with the childhood part of my own assessment and recognised herself too in the traits) and has spent her life heavily masking. She is very empathetic but at times can come across as very blunt and too logical/pragmatic. There were probably times when my needs as an undiagnosed ASD child struggled as she was desperately trying to lead an NT life. That said, I did feel accepted for who I was but there are things I can reflect on now that were less than ideal.

As I'm trying to leave H it's also hard how she flip flops between being very supportive to almost suggesting I stay because her logical thinking takes over. Sometimes I wonder if talking to her about it is causing more harm as maybe I need someone to be more firm and assertive about it!

I am beginning to wonder if H is developing something alongside his ADHD as he is making quite concerning verbal 'slips', which he claims to be completely unaware of.

It all came to a head on Friday when I ended up actually shouting at him (and I very rarely shout at all, not my way of communicating. Out of earshot of DD. Not proud of this as I probably came acrossas hysterical) after he made a mocking mimicking of something DD said. Something along the lines of him asking DD a question she knew he wouldn't like the answer to, so she just said 'I don't know' in response. He then immediately repeated her phrase, slightly under breath, in a manner of someone with a learning disability or maybe slightly sarcastic. Like mean kids do in the playground! (You might remember he did something unkind like this to me before, in the car, too and is has also been muttering things like this under his breath at me, but not to DD. More so lately, I think.)

I was so taken off guard I asked him what on earth that was about. To which he responded 'what' and when I told him what I heard him say, he claimed to be totally unaware of having mocked DD. We then ended up continuing this conversation in another room and he was absolutely adamant he didn't say that. Which I didn't know whether to believe or not and when it seemed like he was getting defensive and suggesting that I was over reacting, I ended up nearly shouting and repeating that it is not Ok to do that to a child. We then abruptly cut ut there as things were getting a bit intense.

Was determined to end it after that, but haven't even had a chance to talk to him alone since then. Absolutely exhausting as ended up feeling in flight mode and not thinking straight. Possibly some stress reaction.

Still don't know if he genuinely isn't aware of this behaviour, which is concerning, or if he is gaslighting me, which is equally bad.

It just sounds extremely immature @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. I am finding that as I pull away from my family they are looking more and more immature. I was too emotionally involved before to see what they were like. So many things they do I can’t stand anymore.

Same here! Am also hesitant as to whether I'd actually want to talk to someone, should the funds come in. The Relate Counsellor last year was appalling and cost a fair bit!

Pulling away sounds like the healthy thing to do, and yes the behaviours are probably easier to see when you are emotionally removed or distant.

Yes, H is incredibly immature at times. Yet can come across as very empathetic and thoughtful at other times, creating quite a dilemma in my head. But I'm definitely not ok with this low level of behaving now, it seems to be getting worse and worse.

It could be the PDA, as the balance levels it’s uncomfortable for him and he can’t help but tip it a little. It’s not nice.

It could be PDA @Percypigspjs it feels like the more I pull away, the odder he acts and he seems more controlling.

It doesn’t really matter though does it what it is. It’s not nice. My family is not nice for me,
the disconnect I can’t deal with, I don’t have the energy for them anymore.

That's it, it doesn't matter why or how, if it's not nice then you need to do whatever is right for you. I need to follow this myself!

It’s very sad though and it’s hard. I don’t want to be on my own

Many of us are alone whether they are around or not.

No, of course not. It must be very hard 🫂

I think this is it, I feel very alone too.

My mum and brother are cut from the same cloth. They are externally quite wealthy but they are cold. They do not do vulnerable and they don’t do emotional.

Ugh, I feel I have to have a conversation with DH about money soon. We've generally not needed to even with him not working for periods - but with his lack of steady income there's a couple of things weighing on my mind. I have basically for at least 5 years now paid for all our holidays, almost all the works on the house, all the kids summer camps, which are expensive, out of my savings. I'm not sure he realises this. I have sometimes asked him to pay a bit towards when the credit card bill comes in for holidays, but multiple times, as last month, his contracts' ended/job has come to an end and I can't bring myself to ask him. I also end up booking holidays because I'm the only one with a credit card and you get more cover if anything goes wrong that way. And I'm beginning to feel wrung out financially and i don't want to pay for more than one break a year and I'm feeling a bit jealous of peers I'm seeing going off for weekends away and extra family holidays because we should be able to do that.

Also, and more importantly - oldest starts uni in a year's time. DH needs to have an income by then because it'll cost us £1k a month for us to cover him for halls and living costs. It's just something that probably hasn't even occured to DH and he needs to know.

I’m in no way saying you should stay with him @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore, but I have two different friends with ASD who do this thing which is kind of a combination of either repetition, or almost guessing what the last word of your sentence is going to be and saying it with you. They definitely don’t seem to be really aware that they do it, and I’ve never mentioned it. Obvs if your H doesn’t usually do it then it’s something different, but one friend especially does seem to do it more when she feels stressed.