Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

This worked really well @BustyLaRoux , came across calm rather than tit for tat, thank you. Im glad I didn't get into a blame game thing

@EmotionalSupportHuman no, you should not have to live with angry outbursts or walk on eggshells.

You should not. It's not a reasonable way to live.

DH has appointment to get medication tomorrow, will be really interested to see what, if any, impact it has.

🤞🤞 for you and your dh @Echobelly

Turns out they were a bit disorganised and never sent him the meeting link, but they have sent one for a call this morning instead!

Hope it helps, some people have very positive things to say about ADHD medication but have heard it can take a couple of trials to get the type and dosage right.

A friend of mine was on Ozempic a couple of years ago (her ADHD meant overeating) and it actually helpt with focus and she felt more 'steady' on it. Also helped with weight loss of course but somehow it quietened her inner monologue too.

My H is having his ADHD assessment in a couple of weeks. He is also having CBT and talking therapy. I have no idea if he will be willing to try meds as he is very anti Antidepressants and I suspect also ADHD meds.

For various reasons, I haven't had the follow-up conversation with him yet (after the 'it's not working for me' one in June). There have been changes, but it's impossible for me to get past the hurtful behaviours over the past few years. I don't even think they can be blamed on ND. It's more to it than that. The walking on eggshells is not ok for sure.

My pink kettle moment will happen, still working towards that!

A friend of mine was on Ozempic a couple of years ago (her ADHD meant overeating) and it actually helpt with focus and she felt more 'steady' on it.

Thats fascinating @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore . I think there will be more and more coming out about WLI.

There have been changes, but it's impossible for me to get past the hurtful behaviours over the past few years. I don't even think they can be blamed on ND. It's more to it than that. The walking on eggshells is not ok for sure.
My pink kettle moment will happen, still working towards that!

Sending good vibes and plenty of courage towards you @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore .
It’s not always possible to ‘just leave’. But I’m sure that you’ll find your way to more peace and joy. For you and your dcs.

Im still making my way. Away atm, staying with friends and then my parents. Suddenly, the urgency to leave isn’t there. It’s like dh just doesn’t exist 😢😢.

When I’m back, I need to get into gear and look for a lawyer again.
Sort out living arrangements (how will I cope re cooking, cleaning, making bed etc…. when on my own) etc…. My NHS clinic might be able to help. I’ll have to ask too.

Fingers crossed @Echobelly! That’s great your H is also getting assessed @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. I totally understand that too much has gone on, but perhaps this will make things easier to move towards the pink kettle.

Hope you’re having a good trip @SpecialMangeTout3. May you have an easy journey to the land of pink kettle too.

Nothing much happening here. DH continues on therapy. I’m sharing (not storing) my feelings more which H is tolerating. Honestly good for him for increasing his ability to listen.

Yet it still feels awful to talk about the big stuff. Would it still feel awful to talk about the hard stuff with an NT spouse, I sometimes wonder? Not sure how realistic I am thinking about having easy communication with a partner. Maybe there is stuff that is hard for all neurotypes.

I’m still stuck a bit in the dynamic whereby sharing my true feelings upsets him, which then upsets me, as I feel incredibly guilty and sad about his withdrawn behaviour. Having tried and failed with the ‘no sharing’ approach and H refusing couples counselling we’re sort of in the dark. How do I change? I’ve worked on emotional regulation and boundaries but I feel like we need more help to be able to communicate better.

Sending positive vibes for getting back into gear once you are back home @SpecialMangeTout3 good idea to look into what practical help you can get, too. Might be worth doing a sort of troubleshooting/mind map with ideas for how you can do things on a day to day basis and what tools/gadgets can make this easier. What corners can be cut if you have a flare up etc.

And yes to the just leaving not being that easy. What I have managed to do is a lot of research and information finding to figure out what I can do and what is realistic. So for me that means I would need to stay in the house, following the conversation, until it's either sold or I've been bought out. So would need to be prepared for living alongside H during this time as I can't legally just ask him to move out either. I can do this but I need to prepare a bit more.

It's good that you are able to share and bot store your feelings @NoviceVillager but can understand that it's hard to air the hard snd difficult stuff. I too am hurting H when I share my true feelings but I have spent so long storing that it seems it needs to come out now. Are you able to get some therapy to help you too?

Unfortunately, we don’t have the spare cash atm @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. Though I also seem to have a bit of perimenopause since I can’t be arsed’ to talk to anyone 😂😜.

I would have thought that first addressing why it’s your responsibility to censor your feelings so that you can control the behaviour of your partner who seems to control your environment. We are not meant to control the feelings which arise within us by controlling externally anything. It is our job to make sure we are with people who don’t cause these feelings in the first place. It does feel extremely complicated. Our feelings are trying to tell us something, this person doesn’t make me feel good. Trying to get the other person to change so we can feel better doesn’t feel quite right. Your happiness is literally in
someone else’s hands. In the hands of a partner who for whatever reason has no idea what you feel.

I do think we seem to hold on to relationships till death? What is wrong with something not working out.

Yes I think that’s what I’ve been focussing on, being able to communicate over issues that matter to me, and not try to control my partner by holding those feelings in.

How did we get here? I didn’t know he struggled with rejection sensitivity though I ignored an amazing number of red flags. RSD is I think quite a difficult one to live with, so I think he’s changing for his benefit and not simply for me.

Why not split? I would like to give things a bit longer, though ultimately I am open to splitting. I think trying to sort out our communication and emotional regulation would also help that process be better as well.

DH started meds today, but they're something more cumulative so we won't see any effects, if there will be any, for a few weeks.

It's been a hard day as I've been nose to the grindstone at work and, not to put too fine a point on it, our cat is dying and he's in total bits about it. I'm sad too, but she is quite old and she's had a good life. But he's all over the place, and spoiling for an unnecessary fight with oldest when oldest gets home in about an hour. I've told him not to have the discussion tonight it's not the right time - and he's told me to tell him when something is a hot button and to step back from it. but it's frustrating when half the time he ignores me and does it anyway, causing himself and one or both of the kids unnecessary upset.

I’m sure its been asked a thousand times.
But what if any are there any definite distinctions between a narc and someone on the lower side of empathy ASD?

I know one is trying to manipulate and one is kind of oblivious?

Narcissists have NO empathy whatsoever.

My mum asked me how my daughter’s first day back at school was. I didn’t answer her because I wanted to give the real answer in that it was awful as she is ND and struggles. But I know the answer she wants is it was fine or should I say she’d respond the same way however I answered. Why is she asking? She wouldn’t alter her behaviour for the real answer. If your granddaughter was suffering you would just have to help her feel better wouldn’t you? A kind message or a visit. She sometimes says things that seem like she is aware but she doesn’t alter her behaviour at all.

Do people who are ASD just live in their own world which is uneffected by the feelings of those around them? So you could say my dog died, my leg fell off, my house burnt down and they just go ok and carry on with their task?

Yep, my understanding is about that it’s all about intend.

And I think, being in the receiving end, it DOES feel different.
Actually harder to deal with 😂. Because I dint get the anger I’d get if someone was purposefully hurting me.

Havimg said that, the end result is pretty similar.

I think it’s very variable.
I have one autistic friend who would be devastated to realise she has misread something and hurt you. She is always making a point to try and understand. In some ways, psychology has become her special interest at some point so she is excellent at reading people, supporting them and generally having people trust her.
dh …. If he hasn’t experienced it himself, it doesn’t make sense to him so he is rejecting it. It just doesn’t exist.

So my take is that it depends a lot of how autism is affecting them, how they’ve been brought up etc…..

@Echobelly 🤞🤞 with the trial.

im actually quite impressed that your dh is both realising he is sometimes ‘not reacting well’ and is willing to have someone redirect him. The wish to change and make an effort is so important to make things work.

Its still hard when you see the clash/fight coming but still can’t do anything about it.

Would your dh be happy to talk about preemptive actions and what he can do to self regulate? The fact he is spoiling for a fight makes me wonder if he isn’t using those fights to release his own tension, regardless of the cost. So finding ways for him to self regulate wo a fight might help??

Luckily he got over that by the time oldest got home, which was quite a lot later, and it didn't happen. That's another thing, that DH can be quite inconsistent. He sometimes makes dramatic resolutions, then drops them, or decides he's going to drop something, only to pick it up again and deny he ever said he was dropping it.

The whole cat situation also illustrated how oldest is probably autistic (he is awaiting assessment). He came home and immediately talked about his day, not asking after status of cat or how anyone is doing. And it's not that he's selfish or uncaring or didn't love the cat, it's like he just didn't know what do with her situation. I noticed that kind of thing think when my grandfather was dying... youngest seemed to know what to do and how to react to others, although he was only 7, oldest just kind of didn't react to the situation at all.