Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

I agree.
I see that as needs. I have needs, dh has needs and they are conflicting with each other. Hence we are hurting each other and making each other unhappy.

I also agree that it’s rarely just about autism.
It’s impossible to separate the person from autism. But I think autism, especially when it has only been diagnosed late in life etc…, can lead to trauma and what I call ‘unhelpful coping mechanisms’. Like dh is totally avoidant.
Understanding has given me some peace.
But also, this is who he is. He isn’t going to change. My needs matter. So Im putting myself first.

I hope things feel more manageable @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore, moving forward.

I know finances have been a huge barrier for me.

I was in this position in my first relationship. We were very mismatched and in the end he got nasty. He said that I pushed him to it because I wasn’t passionate enough and I made him miserable and made his life awful. No one can help the way they are, I certainly couldn’t. I never intended for him to hate his life to the point he had to bully me to meet his needs. As you say we both had needs and they were opposite ends of the spectrum.

I think im really struggling with accepting that we are so fundamentally different, and i didn't see it for nearly 30 years.
I always thought we were doing things together, making decisions together, planning together. When in reality I was doing everything and dh was just agreeing with anything and everything I said. We never really had a partnership. I'm just struggling with accepting that I never had what I thought I had.
I can see that dh is totally out of his depth and he desperately wants me to make it all go away, but I can't go back, I dont want to. He wants me to tell him what to do and I can't. I feel like the bad guy in all this somehow, that im doing this to our family, im the one that's rocking the boat. It's all on me and dh just walks around like a kicked puppy trying not to upset me.

I think there is just a process of grief to go through in your relationship. My ex was a narc I’m sure and I gave him over a decade, my best years really and I kick myself. But what can you do when you didn’t know. I think many people feel this way, those whose partners have cheated etc. It’s just the grief of what you thought you had. Your partner probably doesn’t understand what has changed even though your rose tinted glasses and enabling has dwindled.

I’ve been looking into the perimenopause. Someone said to me that oestrogen is a mothering hormone and as this starts to decline we start to loose interest in mothering people. I wonder how much of that is true? Whether our own hormones could be responsible for some of this.

I'm accepting fewer caregiving expectations, but that's also partially increasing awareness of dynamics. I decided some time ago I didn't want to be as self-sacrificing as my mum and I've mostly stuck to that, but I still probably do more than I ought to.

I reckon there's something in it. Really do.

Thank you all for the insight💐
I know this is all a process, a lot of grief and sadness, anger and disappointment. A lot of reframing decades of memories, I value all your advice and guidance.
I am totally on-board with the hormonal changes affecting our mindset.
My Awakening started around perimenopause. It has been as if my internal programming is being rewired. The automatic response to nurture and mother and make everything all better is gradually dissipating. I love and adore my kids as much as I have always done and would do anything for them. Just see and relate to them in a more grown up way.
The kids grow and mature, so you grow with them.
Unfortunately dh has not grown and matured, he still would have me be mum and make everything all better.
I know its me that has changed/is changing and im not going to regress back. I care less about a lot of things and find myself saying "Fuck it" a lot more. If that's my hormones talking, then so be it.

I do not mother my partner and my in laws would definitely prefer a lady who did lol! I also don’t sacrifice myself as much as I used to but I think that has come from being burnt in relationships. I think previous generations of women have given too much of themselves to relationships and lost a part of their identity. I love my kids to bits but I try and keep a life outside of them with friends and hobbies. Being my partners everything and visa versa is not healthy.

I can only imagine what it would feel like for a relationship to come to an end after decades. Very sad however it happens. I think I would
try and remember that he hasn’t done any of it intentionally. He is just as unaware as you have been. We’ve lived the relationship through our own perceptions. He has loved you in the way he knows how to. I wouldn’t right off 30 years. We’ve changed during this time and they haven’t that doesn’t have to make it all rubbish.

I do think that my partner’s autistic traits have become more pronounced over time. He’s definitely less able to cope due to cumulative stuff, but I also find him hugely more restrictive and massively less willing to try stuff. So when I look back and there are whole categories of shared experiences we used to have but don’t now. Like shared friends, having people over, travel, going out to clubs, shared learning. Having kids has been a really convenient cover for the shrinking of our lives hugely. I’ve changed hugely during peri as you have all described.

Perimenopause is savage. Puts everything under the microscope.

Having kids has been a really convenient cover for the shrinking of our lives hugely.

YY to that!

After that, yes it seems perimenopause has these effects.
But I think you also change. You grow just from life experiences.
And some people don’t. Rather they become even more entrenched into their beliefs and ways of doing things.

Personally, I welcome growth and change. It’s not always easy. It’s sometimes heartbreaking and comes with a lot of grief. I’m going through that now both with dh and my parents.
But I’m hoping that behind that, There’s a happier, more balanced life.

All kinds of relationships end because people change. You have to go with it, it’s what we are meant to do. Sometimes that means we loose things but sometimes that means we gain things. I think we hold onto things too tightly sometimes.

I don't yet feel at the separation stage that some of you are at.... but I'm wondering if the perimenopause is making me consider things. My DH is more than 15 years older than me and when I think of our future I feel like I just see the "looking after" aspect getting more intense. And I don't know if I can/want to do that any more....

I suppose we are all multi-faceted and some things that I once thought were DH being selfish can maybe attributed to being ND....but I think maybe both can be true. He was mid-late 40s when we had DC so just used to doing things for himself. Of course actually bearing children meant I had to change and put their needs first...but that hasn't really happened for him, maybe for a few reasons.
one of the other thing is listening/remembering. He will look at me in bewilderment about plans we have discussed maybe more than once and swear he knows nothing about it. I know that ADHD makes it really hard for him to hear stuff when he's doing something. But even if I'm speaking directly to him I can tell he's looking away or not listening. ...but he also drinks just about a bottle of wine every night ...so the forgetting/being unaware could be due to that...

I don't yet feel at the separation stage that some of you are at.... but I'm wondering if the perimenopause is making me consider things. My DH is more than 15 years older than me and when I think of our future I feel like I just see the "looking after" aspect getting more intense. And I don't know if I can/want to do that any more....

I suppose we are all multi-faceted and some things that I once thought were DH being selfish can maybe attributed to being ND....but I think maybe both can be true. He was mid-late 40s when we had DC so just used to doing things for himself. Of course actually bearing children meant I had to change and put their needs first...but that hasn't really happened for him, maybe for a few reasons.
one of the other thing is listening/remembering. He will look at me in bewilderment about plans we have discussed maybe more than once and swear he knows nothing about it. I know that ADHD makes it really hard for him to hear stuff when he's doing something. But even if I'm speaking directly to him I can tell he's looking away or not listening. ...but he also drinks just about a bottle of wine every night ...so the forgetting/being unaware could be due to that...

A bottle of wine a night is a lot. I don't drink at all for quite a while now but used to drink too much (reasons, and damned if ill be ashamed of it) and a whole bottle each night is bad news. It has far more effects on mood, energy and mental state than one realises. Mid-40's, you physically don't quite have the resilience to handle it any more.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline isn't a bottle of wine a night functioning alcoholic territory? Im not a drinker, but pretty much all my friends drink but none drink a bottle every night

@Sweetandsaltycaroline im afraid I agree that 1 bottle a night is alcoholic territory 😢

I suppose we are all multi-faceted and some things that I once thought were DH being selfish can maybe attributed to being ND....but I think maybe both can be true.
i think this is something most of us can relate to.
Our dh are people, not just autistic iyswim. That means different temperaments, different coping mechanisms, ability or inability to communicate (regardless of the autism aspect). Knowing what is being selfish vs autistic is a discussion many of us have had.
i remember years and years ago in the first support threads (we were hidden then), the big question was “is it AS (Asperger Syndrome as we then used to say) or is it being an ArSe?” And I think the answer is often BOTH. And sometimes theyre indistinguishable.

I honestly think that ASD people who have been raised with their autism instead of despite it turn out to be better adults. I think that parenting back then has caused a lot of issues with many people. It doesn’t help with our parents and mums now but it gives hope that our kids will be better partners/mums and dads etc because they have been understood and understand themselves.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline my ASD h drinks more than a bottle of wine 5 nights a week (he thinks this is ok because of the 2 nights off), and lies to any questions from health professionals. He also doesn’t hear me/ listen to me and is often shocked when something is happening that we’ve recently discussed (this week he was shocked when the men came to put new flooring down - I’d reminded him the night before and it was on the calendar, and he’d helped me clear bookshelves and move furniture!
For my h, I think it’s a heady mix of ASD not listening/ focussing, the booze wrecking his short term memory and causing confusion, and some cognitive decline, he’s 69.
He denies it all and tries to fudge over it by saying that I told him a different day/date. I didn’t.

it’s incredibly frustrating and I’m not sure where to go with it.

I’ve said before on here that I have detached a lot, and stepped back from reminding, assisting etc. I do not want to be his carer/ assistant, and I have told him that. I’m 70.

@BustyLaRoux could it be that you somehow see your own relationship with your DP in the way they relate to each other? And that now youve stepped back a bit and re jigged your own life, the absurdity of it all is even more obvious?

The way you described their arguments just reminded me of the way you described your DP when you were still living in the same house. So I’m wondering if it simply doesn’t hit a bit too close to home.

Otherwise, yes I think you know the answer. It’s not ok but only your DB can say if it’s too much and/or do something about it. Did he ever say anything to you about it?

As an aside, I’m surprised you both ended up marrying/getting involved with an autistic partner 😳

Wow @BustyLaRoux this is a tough read. Your poor brother! Forgive me for not keeping up, but did you both grow up with an ASD parent?

As an aside, this kind of behaviour describes my DM, and with hindsight is why I didn’t move home after uni, even though financially it would’ve been the most sensible option. Nothing anyone did was right, she was so hard done by and no one was ever allowed to make amends for all the things they’d “got wrong”. You certainly couldn’t call her out on her behaviour, as she’d take it incredibly personally and get upset. In other ways she can be very thoughtful, but she’s hard work. I have a 3-day limit, so I can understand why you’d feel so upset after a week of watching her treat your DB like that. I don’t have any answers, beyond sticking to the 3-day limit. I have occasionally done a week, and I have to have some time away in the middle or it becomes untenable.