Page 19 | Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

BustyLaRoux · 2025-06-15T19:51:25+00:00

_New thread._ __ _This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner._ __ _It's complicated and it's emotional._ __ _The old thread is here._ [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1]]

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 24/07/2025 17:11

Percypigspjs · 24/07/2025 13:59

I think being with an emotionally unavailable or emotionally different person over a long period of time is extremely damaging. We have to accept this without blame as a simple fact. Now if they are doing it on purpose then there is blame to put on someone. Intent does make it easier to accept. It must be hard and I get this myself with my mum not knowing how to let the relationship end. Not having hate for them because they haven’t done anything wrong, we are just no compatible emotionally. How do you make this known without creating a storm because I’m sure rejection is something they’ve experienced many times in life. We don’t want to hurt them but we don’t want to continue being hurt either. It would be easier if there was fault.

I agree with so much of this.
I sometimes wish I could hate dh, wish he would do something that i could point to and say "This is why im leaving"
He hasn't actually done anything wrong though and I dont hate him.
He is not a bad person, doesn't have a bad bone in his body, would never intentionally hurt anyone, would give you his last penny.. ...
BUT...........
The pain of emotional neglect, indifference and uninterest that has been felt by me and the kids for years makes me hate what he has done, unintentionally or not. Our pain is still real.
He has never set out to intentionally hurt us and I know he is genuinely devastated by the fact that he has.
Intent or not doesn't make our pain any less acceptable or tolerable though.
I'm finding this whole "hate the behaviour but not there person" a huge pile of steaming, stinking poo to be honest 💩💩💩

Pashazade · 24/07/2025 19:19

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I honestly think that saying can only really work when applied to kids who don’t know better, and have a shot at becoming rounded humans, but in grown humans it just becomes a stick to beat the person suffering from the behaviour!

NoviceVillager · 24/07/2025 23:46

Just nodding along to all these insightful posts.

Excited for all the 🦆🦆🦆! Shame there’s no pink kettle emoji.

Original poster

BustyLaRoux · 25/07/2025 09:34

SpecialMangeTout3 · 24/07/2025 15:10

Had a ‘talk’ with dh a few days ago and have booked my own appointment with a lawyer.

I’m not even sure it’s worth mentioning why I got angry this time.
But I’m still puzzled that he was offended I told him he was taking me for granted but being told he was disrespectful and uncaring was like … meh, and?

But here we go.

Best situation for me would still be to wait for a year or so.
But it might well not be that long.

Yes it’s strange he would find being told he was uncaring as meh and being told he took you for granted as something to get annoyed about. Who knows.

It’s really happening though! And that’s such a positive. You are doing it! If it’s the ideal timeline for you then that’s great, but if it’s not then it will still be ok. The main thing is your working through the steps and you’re keeping up the momentum at the right pace for you.

Good luck with the solicitor. I hope you get some clarity and a bit more cement to the plan. Good work!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

BustyLaRoux · 25/07/2025 09:44

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 24/07/2025 17:11

I agree with so much of this.
I sometimes wish I could hate dh, wish he would do something that i could point to and say "This is why im leaving"
He hasn't actually done anything wrong though and I dont hate him.
He is not a bad person, doesn't have a bad bone in his body, would never intentionally hurt anyone, would give you his last penny.. ...
BUT...........
The pain of emotional neglect, indifference and uninterest that has been felt by me and the kids for years makes me hate what he has done, unintentionally or not. Our pain is still real.
He has never set out to intentionally hurt us and I know he is genuinely devastated by the fact that he has.
Intent or not doesn't make our pain any less acceptable or tolerable though.
I'm finding this whole "hate the behaviour but not there person" a huge pile of steaming, stinking poo to be honest 💩💩💩

Show quote history

It’s OK to be angry. It’s difficult when you know the person who has caused you pain isn’t at fault. We want to direct the anger at someone and they’re the obvious choice, but then you feel bad and guilty for doing so. It’s really complicated.

Essentially you’re not compatible. You wanted something and he wasn’t able to give it. No amount of trying was going to make it come about. Like willing a blind person to see. Not possible. Not his fault. Not yours either. Try and find acceptance. I suspect you’ll be in a much better place to find your acceptance once you are living apart and can use your newfound peace to reflect and accept. It’s difficult now as everything is still happening. It’s raw. You’ve not had the chance to breathe and relax into your new life. It will come.

In the meantime, make the best of what you do have. A great relationship with your children. A plan for the future. But also tell yourself the sadness, the anger…it’s all perfectly normal and you’re still
processing it all. All of these feelings will pass. Right now you just have to sit with them and look forward. Xx

OP posts:

SpecialMangeTout3 · 25/07/2025 09:46

@Echobelly thats shit re your DH’s job.

Is there a way your dh could really make it work with his business/product?

Echobelly · 25/07/2025 10:29

I don't know. It feels like he's dropped it but I want to keep pushing him to do something. He has lots of friends in the field, and needs to talk to them, he's spent 2+ years on it and if he really can't manage sales and marketing, and I can appreciate that might be a no go, I think there might be ways he could sell on the code he's developed to someone who could. Even if all he got for it was some money back that would be something.

I have at least reminded him he can use this opportunity to fill in the adhd diagnosis forms he's had for months that he can't do because it's all too much at once. He thought that was a very good idea!

SpecialMangeTout3 · 25/07/2025 16:40

I have at least reminded him he can use this opportunity to fill in the adhd diagnosis forms he's had for months that he can't do because it's all too much at once. He thought that was a very good idea!

That’s good. Both that he'd be able to do it and that he is open to it.
Do you feel that the diagnosis would help him self regulate/finding better ways to work or interact?

Echobelly · 25/07/2025 22:30

It might help him cope with more than one thing at once, and maybe it would help with what I think is the 'rejection sensitive dysphoria' anger flares if he can get medication.

It would be good to handle more than one thing at once as ideally he should be able to job hunt and work on/do some sales and marketing for his product at the same time, but he really can't do both right now. He has to commit 100 per cent to one thing. And when he's not working he has not really flake out and not do 'work' stuff.

As an example, he's finally done some overdue accounting this morning now he's had the space.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 29/07/2025 09:55

Im struggling with dh's limitations in communication.
Im really trying to be patient with him, his coming to terms with his ADHD and how its affecting us and how we are going to move forward.
He says he is trying to get a therapist, he says he's 'doing a lot of research online'. I'm trying to give him the space and time he needs to do it at his pace.
Unless i start a conversation about "Us" and how we are going to move forward(together or apart) he NEVER initiates* *a talk, so basically if i dont say anything, we will never talk.
When I say im waiting for some imput from him on what he thinks, and how he would like to move forward he says he doesn't understand the question.
Me: What do you want to happen? How do you see us moving forward?
Him: I dont understand what that means. What do you want?
Has he become so used to me making ever single decision about everything that he genuinely doesn't have a single opinion?
It's OUR marriage, OUR family, OUR future. How can he not have an option?
Surely he's not just waiting for me to tell him if our marriage is over or not? * *

ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda · 29/07/2025 11:38

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 29/07/2025 09:55

Im struggling with dh's limitations in communication.
Im really trying to be patient with him, his coming to terms with his ADHD and how its affecting us and how we are going to move forward.
He says he is trying to get a therapist, he says he's 'doing a lot of research online'. I'm trying to give him the space and time he needs to do it at his pace.
Unless i start a conversation about "Us" and how we are going to move forward(together or apart) he NEVER initiates* *a talk, so basically if i dont say anything, we will never talk.
When I say im waiting for some imput from him on what he thinks, and how he would like to move forward he says he doesn't understand the question.
Me: What do you want to happen? How do you see us moving forward?
Him: I dont understand what that means. What do you want?
Has he become so used to me making ever single decision about everything that he genuinely doesn't have a single opinion?
It's OUR marriage, OUR family, OUR future. How can he not have an option?
Surely he's not just waiting for me to tell him if our marriage is over or not? * *

Surely he's not just waiting for me to tell him if our marriage is over or not? * *

From my experience, @Ohdostopwafflinggeremyexactly this.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 29/07/2025 11:48

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy your dh sounds like my dh. Totally avoidant.
And no, in that case, he won’t start a conversation about the future of your marriage because it’s too big and overwhelming to him.

But also if he is struggling with turn taking and negotiation, he is going to struggle to have a conversation around ‘what is our relationship going to look like’.
If he hasn’t been good at making big life changing decisions with you before unless he was already set in the same outcome than you, things like moving house, financial decisions etc…., he won’t do it for the breakdown of your marriage either 😢😢

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 29/07/2025 13:43

For a long time I thought that surely H was realising that our marriage wasn't working and that I wasn't happy, but NO, despite numerous conversations he just won't get it. Even after I gave him the second chance after a separation last autumn, and a further talk a few weeks ago, he is still not quite getting it @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy So unfortunately I think it will need to be you being quite clear and spell it out?

Echobelly · 29/07/2025 14:20

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy - DH will also never initiate personal discussions I'd like to have..I do sometimes initiate them but then often he gets angry and defensive as I feared, no matter how impersonally I word it. And also gets angry and defensive if me or the kids tell him we don't bring stuff up with him... because our experience is that he gets angry and defensive!

He gets angry that we 'don't trust him' rather than asking why people around him feel that way! I have told it doesn't happen every time, but often enough to make us wary. And when the reaction bad, it's bad enough to put us off from any such conversation for quite some time.

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 29/07/2025 14:24

I have lurked on these threads off and on for years, occasionally posted. I am now out if the relationship. He initiated it and moved out eventually. Initially it was hard but it was the best thing that could have happened. He has of course been very difficult and refuses to help with our daughter for the most oart etc etc but I have now met someone else who could not be more different. Having a relationship with someone who talks, responds and is emotionally available is a revelation. I wish I had made the move years ago.

ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda · 29/07/2025 16:48

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 29/07/2025 14:24

I have lurked on these threads off and on for years, occasionally posted. I am now out if the relationship. He initiated it and moved out eventually. Initially it was hard but it was the best thing that could have happened. He has of course been very difficult and refuses to help with our daughter for the most oart etc etc but I have now met someone else who could not be more different. Having a relationship with someone who talks, responds and is emotionally available is a revelation. I wish I had made the move years ago.

Hello @MissJeanBrodiesmother. Thank you for sharing. I love hearing about life on the other side of all this. It really spurs me on 💕

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 29/07/2025 18:42

Thank you all for the replies.
Sadly I think i have to accept that you're right. He will not be/can not be proactive in making any kind of decision, regardless of the fact that it is his life. I'm having such a hard time accepting this.😥
I don't understand how we can resolve anything if he won't talk. 😟

Percypigspjs · 29/07/2025 19:03

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 29/07/2025 09:55

Im struggling with dh's limitations in communication.
Im really trying to be patient with him, his coming to terms with his ADHD and how its affecting us and how we are going to move forward.
He says he is trying to get a therapist, he says he's 'doing a lot of research online'. I'm trying to give him the space and time he needs to do it at his pace.
Unless i start a conversation about "Us" and how we are going to move forward(together or apart) he NEVER initiates* *a talk, so basically if i dont say anything, we will never talk.
When I say im waiting for some imput from him on what he thinks, and how he would like to move forward he says he doesn't understand the question.
Me: What do you want to happen? How do you see us moving forward?
Him: I dont understand what that means. What do you want?
Has he become so used to me making ever single decision about everything that he genuinely doesn't have a single opinion?
It's OUR marriage, OUR family, OUR future. How can he not have an option?
Surely he's not just waiting for me to tell him if our marriage is over or not? * *

I would have thought the answer to this is the disabling part of Autism. He most probably is beyond overwhelm and has absolutely no tools to comprehend, understand or create a response. The effect of his disability has far reaching effects that he probably has absolutely no control over. I don’t think he is doing this on purpose, but I don’t know him. I know personally that I shut down at difficult conversations and I can’t control my brain from doing this. The ball sounds like it’s in your court and it’s going to stay in it.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 29/07/2025 19:10

@Percypigspjs i agree with you that it’s likely that it’s not somethimg he can control.

SpecialMangeTout3 · 29/07/2025 19:14

So I was supposed to have a tel appointment with a lawyer today.
No show….

clearly not all are good and reliable 🧐🧐

One down. I’ll go and see a few before settling down. Unfortunately on the top of my disability, we also have a complex financial situation, so I need proper advice.

Percypigspjs · 29/07/2025 19:14

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 29/07/2025 18:42

Thank you all for the replies.
Sadly I think i have to accept that you're right. He will not be/can not be proactive in making any kind of decision, regardless of the fact that it is his life. I'm having such a hard time accepting this.😥
I don't understand how we can resolve anything if he won't talk. 😟

You don’t resolve you have to make a decision based on what you have in front of you. You can’t control him or his autism. It’s your life that you can control not the fact that he can’t make decisions on his life. You can’t make him do any of the things you believe he needs to do.

Percypigspjs · 29/07/2025 19:21

Someone’s potential, what we hold onto if only the person could see and do things differently is non existent. We have to stop holding onto the belief that people are more capable than what they are showing you. Potential doesn’t exist. It’s a value which we have applied onto someone based on our perception of how a person could be. Autistic people are autistic and they cant potentially be non autistic of only they could see.

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 29/07/2025 20:00

SpecialMangeTout3 · 29/07/2025 19:14

So I was supposed to have a tel appointment with a lawyer today.
No show….

clearly not all are good and reliable 🧐🧐

One down. I’ll go and see a few before settling down. Unfortunately on the top of my disability, we also have a complex financial situation, so I need proper advice.

Oh no! That is such a shame, hopefully there will be a better Lawyer along soon. It sounds wise to get proper advice. The advice out there is conflicting and contradictory.

I had some clarification on some things thanks to @SortingItOut who kindly offered some insight.

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 29/07/2025 20:03

To be honest I think now that my partners autism is irrelevant. He made me miserable. Regardless of why, he did. I do think a lot of his behaviour was his autism but it was more complex than that. His personality, life experiences and family played a part as well. Ultimately our relationship damaged my self esteem and made me unhappy. He didn't see any need to change.

Percypigspjs · 29/07/2025 20:17

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 29/07/2025 20:03

To be honest I think now that my partners autism is irrelevant. He made me miserable. Regardless of why, he did. I do think a lot of his behaviour was his autism but it was more complex than that. His personality, life experiences and family played a part as well. Ultimately our relationship damaged my self esteem and made me unhappy. He didn't see any need to change.

I don’t think you can separate the autism from the person. You don’t have autism you are autistic. A person I believe is made up of many things, like a vegetable soup. We aren’t all good and all bad but we have to look at the person as a whole not a sum of parts. Some autistic people are shit and some are fantastic. A lot depends on the person on the receiving end. I can’t form any relationships without emotional connection so for me this would be terrible but I know of people who have very little emotional connection and bond over their goals etc.