Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

Can he be those things to you @Percypigspjs ? Was there friendship and a connection there to start with?

I think he was. But it appears like perhaps it has worn off. I try and speak to him that women are different, we go through hormones and childbirth and emotionally and hormonally led sometimes. He appear to like consistent emotional state, which I can’t be all the time. I feel a little bit of a burden but I also know it’s normal to have feelings and emotions.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore same as what @SpecialMangeTout3 said. Something the universe gives you a clear sign!
Physical separation (even if only 7 door away) is so important for mental peace. I would say if you like the house and would feel at home and think your DD would feel happy and relaxed there then it’s a winner. Especially if you’re planning to share care of DD? Makes it nice and easy for her.

It does seem quite the coincidence that the 3d person I told about what H is really like, (after my DM and my oldest best friend) happens to maybe be renting her house out. Need to wait and see if their house sells, as was their original plan, if not then I will grab this chance. In my head I've already half furnished it and got the pink kettle on the kitchen counter!

That said, me moving out might not be the best option in legal terms as I have a right to a share of the equity so it would be better to sell or him buying me out. But, that could take a very long time! Universal Credit only allows you to claim for so long when you already own property (rightly so). Not sure if my circumstances are dire enough to argue that I 'had' to leave as it's so subtle.

Do your partners get set on an idea and then can't snap out of it and get angry or irritated when the world doesn't bend to them?

Latest example: We went to my small hometown. There is a fast food place, hole in the wall, mostly takeaway meals there. My partner mentioned that he would like to eat there and I said something like "oh, I read that it's going very well now. They have started to serve daily lunches with proper food (not fries and burger type). Apparently the bangers and homemade mash is so popular that there is a long line of costumer outside every Thursday".
He got all excited and wanted to try it and I immediately got anxious and explained that there is a set menu, one lunch meal per day, served between 11 and 2, bangers and mash is served on Thursdays. The rest of the week they serve something else for lunch.

He kept banging on that he would love to have bangers and mash the whole time we were home, and I kept repeating "only for Thursday lunches". We were busy the whole time at home, so no time to go to the place until the last day, a Tuesday evening. My husband went there to get food and came home very upset that there were no bangers and mash and kept arguing that I had told him that they served it, he had been looking forward to it the whole visit and now he went there and it wasn't on the menu.

I must have explained fifteen times that bangers and mash is served three hours every week and that's it, but it's like talking to deaf ears or that he thinks that what I say isn't valid. He isn't a child and just writing this makes it sound ridiculous. I really don't know what to do to explain things to him. It's often like this and he gets upset and I have to deal with the situation.

I could’ve written this. Ditto for if he thinks something isn’t right or logical - he will insist I’m wrong. E.g. kid’s school says they can only do x if they meet y specific requirements. Nope, I must be wrong because he thinks that’s stupid. Or like when we switched internet provider and they didn’t do the quick switch with automatic cancellation of the old provider we were promised. I told him it was now impossible for them to do the auto-cancel and I had to manually cancel the old supplier. Nope, I’m wrong, and he will argue about it endlessly and somewhat aggressively because that sounds ridiculous. It’s exhausting!

I try really hard to just nod, say “hmm” and change the subject as quickly as possible, but if I’m tired I forget, and find myself insisting what I’m saying is right, even though it’s pointless!

It is like they don’t know the difference between what they think and what is truth or someone else’s opinion or perspective. I have this issue. I should be ok with something because they are ok with it but Im not therefore I am the issue. Its an absolutely pointless merry go round to get on. I think it magnified by if the ASD individual is male, because women are often emotional and men logical.

The above described behaviours re the bangers and mash sound like the rigid sort of mindset that can come with being autistic. The anger and frustration because it must be this way, it must be true or I simply cannot process this. Does not compute!

@EmotionalSupportHuman That's exactly like my husband. If he thinks that something is stupid, illogical or makes no sense he will be really upset. If I try to tell him the reality, he won't listen. It's exhausting. I will try to grey rock harder. I do my best but is often dragged into a situation without realising it before it's too late and then I have to deal with the fallout.

@Percypigspjs I recognise that dynamic completely from my childhood with my parents and it's been going on until now. If my parents don't agree with anything, my feelings aren't valid and I am difficult. I guess that I was the perfect match for my partner, being used to this behaviour all my life.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore Thank you. It's reassuring that it isn't necessarily my lack of being able to communicate clearly that is the issue here, it could be something else.

Oh I have often thought that perhaps it is just me not saying it right, not explaining clearly. I’m a terrible over explainer now. I think there comes a point where it’s not you it’s the brain of the person listening.

I think that a neurodivergent person being unable to process that an outward situation may not in fact correspond to the way that they have internalised it, is something that's much on my mind.

My husband and I both would really like my ND stepson to try and consider the possibility that others may not share the particular narrative of childhood that he has fixed on.

It is one in which I appear as someone who has been a) extremely unkind, b) very distant but also - somehow c) 'too emotional.' Obviously it's a problem for me. But it's also rather an issue for my husband. Because while I'm getting all the flak, the 'logical' thing - and my stepson thinks he is big on logic - is that my husband would then be at fault for having exposed him to all my unkindness. In my stepson's memories my husband was there, as a passive witness to all this.

But neither of us think things happened in this way at all.

@PollyHutchen that’s really hard. In my experience, it is very difficult to get the ND people in my life to accept that their reality is not absolute truth. They don’t deal in perception. It’s not a thing for them. It basically doesn’t exist. There is no perception, there is only fact. It is very difficult, though not impossible, to get them to accept that other points of view may differ but they have equal
merit and are therefore worthy of consideration.

I’m struggling with one dimensional-ness. My DH and DS are both very similar in this respect. They both need so much support in general outside of the thing they do. DH going to work and DS going to school and various extra curricular activities. I can’t explain it very well but running the house and 3 people’s lives is really getting to me. Especially as I don’t really feel I have a life. I’m feel I’m just constantly supporting others to do their thing. I’m not explaining it very well but can anyone else relate?

Yes, I don't live with my partner, but I often feel when we are together, i'm just there to support his needs.

Holidays are particularly bad, because he's out of routine and familiar surrounding. He's impossible and brow beats me until he gets what he wants.

I'm so sick of it.I feel as if I don't exist.Other than to give him what he wants.

@InterestedBeing

Yes, that’s the feeling, of being the support so that they can function. No one looking from the outside would see that they’re not functioning but it’s only because they’re getting a huge amount of support behind the scenes. I thought my son would improve with age. I get frustrated as I feel it’s down to a lack of effort to be more self managing but am starting to think it’s an actual lack of capacity to be able to function better.

I think it's the support human role which is tiring me, though it is - on one level - less crucial as my adult stepson lives with his partner. And I had been managing as a very part-time support human. It is not that onerous to make dinners and express interest in someone else's life. There's just mild irritation at never being asked how I am/what I'd doing and all the conversation being about his life and his interests.

What tipped it for me was the recent meltdown where there was outpouring of rage and aggression about my alleged role in his terrible sufferings as a boy. This has coincided with his recently becoming a father.

I really don't know if stepson has been harbouring these feelings/memories for several decades and 'masking'. There's little evidence to suggest that he has done - for example he's always been happy to eat the meals that I cooked and never suggested to his Dad that it might be nice for the two of them to go out somewhere (eg the pub?) instead, sometimes.

It seems a bit more likely that the feelings have been around but in a rather minor way ie he had these memories but they didn't really bother him. But now they have erupted because he is a Dad himself and wants to do things absolutely perfectly for his vulnerable bag - and it is now intolerable for him to think that he received anything other than perfect care when he was vulnerable young person.

Meanwhile before the baby was born there'd been this assumption that I would a) continue to be a support person for him and b) a support person for the new baby - though of course not one that made any inconvenient remarks or actions.

I think there is also assumption c). Yes, my stepson had this huge meltdown in which he attacked my present character and past treatment of him. But he also likes routine and things always being there for him. So I suppose in his mind, he has simply told me something that is objectively true - and that there is no reason why I (despite being a cold, yet over-emotional, abuser - should not continue to have him to supper and help take care of his child, if/when asked to do so.

Life, eh.....

@PollyHutchen

That’s hard. I don’t know what is driving the feelings other than their processing can sometimes be way off what others perceive to have happened. My DS needs so much support but I never get any thanks and the minute anything goes wrong there’s a huge backlash on me and everything is my fault and yet he can’t self manage. I don’t feel any emotional closeness or connection there either which makes me sad. He has a different relationship with DH. Sometimes they lash out hardest against the ones that they need the most as we’re their ‘safe space’. I think you’re probably right that though in the birth of his child has turned his world upside down.

'Vulnerable baby' not bag!

Some people are just not very nice, autistic or not. I find the self centred very overpowering with some people. But I’ve also got some ASD people in my life who are lovely. He is obviously not able to be accountable for any of his feelings so they are all being projected outwards and you have become his scapegoat. I would distance myself from this role, it’s not your responsibility to be his emotional punchbag for what he’s perceived happening. I find the majority of the things said are not even real.

I can relate a lot. I am the brain, the project manager, the social manager, the housekeeper, chef, cleaner, house manager, dry cleaner, book keeper, pillar of strength, cheer leader and emotional support animal in our house.
I could never imagine ending up in this situation. I was known for being very independent and outspoken among my friends and they have no idea that I have been reduced to a doormat in my relationship. I was the outspoken "I would never tolerate being in a relationship that isn't equal" person before I met my partner. And now this.

Now I am all of the above for my old father too.
I have no mental energy left for anything else and it's draining and frustrating. I have absolutely no mental space left for me or my freelance work that I haven't touched for over two years. I'm also in the middle of menopause and exhausted, have brain fog and multitasking and spinning a lot of plates at the same time doesn't really work anymore. I should take care of my health, but have zero energy to do so.

I can relate @Fififizz although I have stepped back a bit, and they do sort of fill the void. One example, I’ve stopped feeling responsible if we run out of something I don’t even use (e.g. ketchup) as I don’t see why I should stock check everything, when they’re perfectly capable of adding items to the shopping list in the kitchen. After some initial anger, they’ve accepted that they have to take responsibility.

Like @QuaintCat I’m in peri, so I just don’t have the capacity to do everything for everyone. My plate-spinning game is up (and I used to be so good at it). This summer I’ll be offloading a few more tasks to my eldest, but gradually, so he doesn’t get overwhelmed. I really empathise with your entire post QuaintCat, although luckily my ND dad is mostly lovely, if a little frustrating at times.

Thank you @EmotionalSupportHuman. I was prepared for hot flushes and irregular periods, but had no idea how much meno would affect my energy levels and brain.

How do your partners react when there is a disagreement? I talked to my partner yesterday and mentioned a thing that I am actually really upset and disappointed of. I was calm and clear and very to the point. "I am really upset and disappointed that we have never..."
His reaction was, as always, to act like he was mostly annoyed with me complaining. He didn't take in the thing I was unhappy about and didn't offer a solution. It was mostly like he just wanted me to shut up.
It's always like this. I can't get anywhere with him and after all these years I get the feeling that when I complain, I am like a kitchen appliance that should be silent, but is now making unpleasant noices that he would prefer not to hear.

@QuaintCat It’s really difficult, but I find if we can get into a “both working on the relationship” vibe, then he’s more receptive. I definitely could never say “I have this problem with this thing you did” and expect a sensible reaction. Although he might reflect and then admit 2-3 days later that he’s behaved badly. He’d never be able to see that straight away though. Also, if we’re having more sex, then he’s more receptive to any issues I might have. I would never think, “Oh let’s have sex so we can sort out this problem”. It’s just something I’ve noticed over time.