Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

I think it’s impossible for some to see that they are the problem, or should I say their ASD causes them issues. They blame the world, expect the world to change. Change comes from bending on both sides. It’s not acceptable to say I have this issue therefore it’s all on you. That’s not a partnership at all. The silly thing is most of us are extremely loving and empathetic and tolerating and would not mind at all at making things better were we spoken to properly.

@Percypigspjs
I’ve just been reading about codependency and what you’ve just said is basically the advice to address this. I wouldn’t have said I was codependent as I’m forced into the giving role as no one else in the dynamic is the full grown up with the ability to do the fully grown up stuff. It’s not through choice though and I feel tired and resentful and like I’ve lost myself which I have.

You can do something about this. I think realising is the bottom of the well and the worst you will feel. We have to find a way to step outside of this world and re-find ourselves. It’s consuming. I’ve had to do the same with my mum. I’ve wasted so much trying to work out a way of making her a mum that I need that I’ve neglected just about everything else. Everything else I have control over but here I am trying to control that which I can’t.

I’ve stopped enabling dh and trying to rescue him all the time.

I agree about having strong boundaries and I’d add treating him like an adult rather than a child.
It’s very easy found to fall into a ‘mother’ role, trying to smooth over everything for them ‘because disability’. But it’s not a life. And it’s certainly not a marriage.

I found that it doesn’t solve everything. But it stopped some behaviours. And more importantly, I’m truer to myself. I’m working on myself, on who I am and who I want to be (assertive! Not shouting, dysregulated or falling apart). And that, for me, is probably the most important atm.

I've noticed that many of DPs close friends treat him like a child. Acting as if he cant cope with anything, anticipation that he cant, asking if he is stressed.

I wont do it. He is a grown man and I will assume he can cope and is fine unless he says otherwise.

I think it’s important not to swing to the other end of the pendulum. To remember it is disabling for him at times. But to some how work out a middle ground. If this can’t be reached then it’s just not sustainable.

We can’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t give two shits about us. There are many ND people out there capable of being in a relationship and are decent people.

Anything in particular that’s helped you? I’ve slipped into mother role because I am a mother and I didn’t want DH ‘lack of’ to
impact DS. But it has anyway because it’s impacted me and my wellbeing. DS is ND too so that’s another whole dynamic. I’m currently looking at what I can outsource to support myself but with all this ND going on it’s not like a normal situation where a meal delivery service would reduce my mental load. It’s definitely up to me to find ways to support myself though as otherwise it’s not happening. I fought for DS to get an EHCP and specialist school to try plug the gap as we were heading towards school refusal but the setting hasn’t delivered on a lot it supposedly offered to ND kids.

@Fififizz i have to say, its easier for me now that the dcs are young adults.

What happened is that I have stepped in and ensured they aren’t being let down (so basically shouldering the parenting, running of the house, hols etc etc).
But I’ve let dh ‘fail’ when whatever he did wasn’t impacting anyone else. And I’ve refused to become the default problem solver for everything.

One of the big issues is that dh only learns through natural consequences. So he needs to fail first.
Some stuff though, I’ve always accommodated and found ways round. Like his inability to make decisions together. His lack of small talk. His need to have time away with his special interests.
@Percypigspjs is right that you can’t simply ignore they have a disability

The children getting older has helped. For years I was the auxiliary brain for everyone else in my household and that was knackering.

My oldest is very much self organising and has now been for years, DS is gradually getting better but as he has ADHD as well will also always need a bit extra. DH has got better through use of Google Calendar so he knows what's coming up and doesn't double book himself/get angry that he 'didn't know' about the event I told him about 3 times.

@SpecialMangeTout3

That shouldering the main stuff is where I’m at, although my DS is ND too and comes with extra life admin. I fought for 2 years for an EHCP and specialist school. He’s currently trialling ADHD meds which is another journey with lots of life admin to manage too. I’m just really struggling with feeling burnt out at the moment. DS is in yr10 so getting there but not quite yet.

@Echobelly

My DH is very much self managing but limited to his own needs. He can be prompted to attend family stuff but isn’t fully engaged. Yes, I’m the auxiliary brain. It’s frazzled currently.

I think there is sadness in knowing that they are present physically but not mentally. We can’t make our self and our children important to them.

In my case DH is emotionally present, the main issue is the explosive disregulation.

I have had to ask myself, especially after various posts on NM.- is he abusive? Tough one to ask and I think this is one of the few threads one can have a non-histrionic conversation about this, but my conclusion was 'no'. He has never used his anger as a threat, he has actually changed behaviours that I've told him upset me, and not expected a round of applause for it, nor demanded I change a behaviour in return. It is an issue of disregulation and I wonder some degree of rejection sensitive dysphoria.

@Echobelly

You’ve clearly asked yourself some tough questions to get to the level of understanding and place that you’re at.

I’ve been reading about codependency and think that’s the dynamic I’m dealing with. I have sort of gradually slipped deeper and deeper into this without recognising what’s been happening.

I havw asd and I'm sure it's an issue with my husband. Would be happy to give my thoughts on anything if it will help

This thread just got me looking up more about Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia, and it really does fit DH more than I imagined. I can very taken aback by how personally he seems to take things and a lot of it is 'rejection'-related in some way.

For example a major trigger for him is kids or me going to bed without saying goodnight or leaving without saying goodbye - or perhaps more often him thinking that's happened because he didn't hear. Straight from 0-rage without stopping to think 'maybe I just didn't hear them'. Or perceiving he's been interrupted, even if the other person was just saying 'I agree' or 'uhuh' or other normal things people say to show they are listening - it's immediately seen as disrespect. Or, as mentioned above, the thing where people don't want to engage in what he wants to engage with at a given moment. In any of those scenarios, I would give people the benefit of the doubt - I guess they were in a hurry going out the door, they were just letting me know they were listening, I guess this was a bad time etc. But for him, kaboom!

@Echobelly

DS has what I describe as a ‘hair trigger’ sounds similar. I read something today that said we’re not taught how to emotionally regulate and that resonated. I cut off and withdraw when I’m overwhelmed which is kind of internalising. I’m doing it currently as there’s so much daily life admin and it’s nit getting easier and being the ‘auxiliary brain’ as another put it is exhausting and I never get to be me. I’m wondering how I can do better boundaries and put me first whilst spinning all the other plates. Being menopausal doesn’t help and I wonder if I have ADHD myself at times. I cope with a lot then something tips me over and I crash and burn out. I find regular life, or regular life in my family, really, really hard.

Last weeks Hidden 20% podcast was about menopause and ADHD. I haven’t listened yet but if it’s anything like the others it should be good.

Thanks for sharing, will have a listen when I get a chance!

The whole Greg Wallace thing is making me think a lot about the allowances I've made in the past for some of H's behaviours. Blaming stress, MH and potential ND. The instances of groping, crossing physical boundaries, the inappropriate innuendo and sexualised 'jokes'. The thing last summer that @BustyLaRoux kindly pointed out was actually sexual assault. He once was pulled up by HR at work over an inappropriate comment made to a female colleague. Feel a bit sick actually 😕

Counting down the weeks now! A lovely friend and neighbour might be letting out her house from September. Seriously considering this if the opportunity comes up, downside being it's only 7 doors up from my current home. It's a familiar place for DD though as she used to have playdates there and likes my friend a lot.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore it does sound like a really good opportunity. Esp as it allows your dd to stay where all her friends are and it won’t disrupt her routine as much.
Sometimes, opportunities arrive on our lap just at the right time. We just need to grab them with our two hands.

Yes, if she does decide to let her house I think I'll just dive right in and do it.

I’m a bit stuck with this. How can you have a relationship with someone with whom a relationship is expected? For example if the other person is Autistic and can only view the world through their own perspective. Comfort and compassion and understanding is imperative in a relationship, whether they “agree” or not. They don’t recognise that you feel something about something they don’t so don’t offer this. Leaving you feeling that how you feel is silly or overly emotional. You are not you just experience the world how you do. My partner is I am pretty sure ASD, he seems to have very little emotions, like a flat line on one of those heart beat machines. In comparison I’m like an up and down heart beat. Things make me sad and things make me happy. He does make comments but for me being affected by the external word seems normal, he is not, he feels the same about everything.

@Percypigspjs I guess it can make you feel like your feelings aren't valid or that you are 'wrong' for getting affected by the external world perhaps. Not sure how sustainable that is in the long run but maybe it depends on what you want and need from the relationship?

A friend, someone in tune, not just someone who goes to work and buys things.