I’ve made the mistake of giving in too soon

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I went on a second date with a guy from my gym. We’ve seen each other a few times at the gym but nothing came of it till we matched on a dating app. We got to talking. Super respectful, booked dates promptly. Asked me out and followed through. I made the biggest mistake of going back to his after a few drinks and did the deed a few times. I would NEVER do this. But I have been celibate for a while. Just wanted to have sex when it was right and it all just felt right and I got swept up in the moment.

I had a great night. I really did. But I just don’t know if now that I’ve done it he’s lost all respect for me because he brought up the sex mid convo today. So I snapped and said “If you wanna see me and get to know me that’s absolutely fine and if sex happens again, fine. But absolutely no way am I being picked and dropped for sex. If that’s not something you’re interested in then fair enough you just gotta to say the words and I’ll respect that x“

It annoyed me because he was super gentlemanly and booking things and seemed keen to be respectful but that one comment he made about the sex and it being a fun night just made me think here we go again.

Idk what to do. I feel so sad and anxious and like I’ve lost all self respect. It just felt good at the time. I can’t help but think if I didn’t do it then maybe he may have been different with me. Help.

I really think you’re overthinking this.

Hes been in contact since, yes? He brought up the sex because obviously it happened and I assume he enjoyed it? I don’t see why you snapped at him.

I think you sound a bit intense considering you've only had 2 dates but it's not chat what he said about sex that prompted your response. What did he actually say?

His comment was really crude though like you’re fucking a bitch. I didn’t snap its just I’ve had really awful trauma before with men doing this so I had to just assert a boundary. If you wanna see me like a fuck buddy then that’s not ok

What do you mean sorry

What did he actually say, and in what context

If a man views you differently after sex, the activity he also took part in it’s because he’s a misogynistic bellend anyway.

However, at this point it is only causal sex. You should only do it if it feels good at the time and not because it will lead to anything. If it makes you spiral after then it may well be better to wait for a bit.

Yes we would need to know what he said to be able to offer advice. But as it stands I think your overthinking it and worrying over nothing. By nothing I mean he probably doesnt view you differently.

His comment was really crude though like you’re fucking a bitch.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand this. He said ‘you’re fucking a bitch’?

Said I may need to take another few rides. I just rolled my eyes. I left his at 5 and he said “the daylight was a bit of a nightmare but I had a fun night” like oh sorry I’m just a bit of fun now.

I think you are being too hard on him. You both had fun. If he didnt comment on it or flirt would you not feel a bit rejected or paranoid he didnt want to see you again. Just be nice, keep it light and be honest with him about how you feel and what you want.

I also think you’ve jumped the gun at firing at him.

I’d make sure the next date with him was outside his or your home, no sex, maybe even no booze. Then see how he acts.

It’s not having sex that will have changed how he feels about you OP, it’s your tantrum.

I’m coming from a place of a wounded woman and I felt a boundary needed asserting which is why I said it. If him and I are to meet again. Yes I’m not drinking. I always make a poor choice when drink is involved.

I don’t feel it was so much a tantrum. I politely said I don’t want to be told to “come back for another ride and get used to it” or whatever he said. Like I’m not a fan of it. Makes me feel like a man only needs me for that. If he said let’s grab dinner again I’d feel better about it

I agree with you OP. Dinner’s an appealing prospect, but sex being expected is boring & dismal.

Why did you lose self-respect? That bit I don’t get.

I think you're blowing it out of all proportion and making a big deal out if nothing. If somebody text me something like that I'd think they were sounding like really hard work really fast and that they had a load of baggage.

Just don't have sex with him again unless you want to?

You sound pretty hard work, and he sounds more chilled and level headed. Maybe accept you're different people and move on.

You can't insist on a boundary after it's already been breached. The time to have boundaries is before you have sex after a couple of dates. .

Making comments about riding his dick again just didn’t feel like the right thing to say. Like ask me for dinner and not just wanna fuck me. I felt a boundary had to be put in sorry

I can understand the feelings you describe, but at the same time your reaction seems very intense. If you're that wounded that his comment hurt this much, then maybe you shouldn't be dating until your wounds are more healed.

But he made it just seem like sex. Or like all he wanted now was sex by saying I can ride his dick again. Like wth.

Your version of what he said has changed multiple times, so I can't tell now if you're reacting to his actual comment or your own imaginings of his thoughts.

What was his response to your snapping at him, both in terms of your anger and what you actually said?

Eek, if he said that's I'd be blocking him.

But in general I'd have had no problem seeing him again as long as it was a date not 'let's grab a drink then go back to mine'.

Sounds like you'd rather have gotten to know him properly before sex, you could just say that and then he'd be aware it's not happening again for a while and can walk if he wants.

But i hate that comment so nope.

You’re fine op.
You didn’t overreact.
He thought that as date two led to sex, he can just assume sex whenever he wants.