I’ve made the mistake of giving in too soon

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I went on a second date with a guy from my gym. We’ve seen each other a few times at the gym but nothing came of it till we matched on a dating app. We got to talking. Super respectful, booked dates promptly. Asked me out and followed through. I made the biggest mistake of going back to his after a few drinks and did the deed a few times. I would NEVER do this. But I have been celibate for a while. Just wanted to have sex when it was right and it all just felt right and I got swept up in the moment.

I had a great night. I really did. But I just don’t know if now that I’ve done it he’s lost all respect for me because he brought up the sex mid convo today. So I snapped and said “If you wanna see me and get to know me that’s absolutely fine and if sex happens again, fine. But absolutely no way am I being picked and dropped for sex. If that’s not something you’re interested in then fair enough you just gotta to say the words and I’ll respect that x“

It annoyed me because he was super gentlemanly and booking things and seemed keen to be respectful but that one comment he made about the sex and it being a fun night just made me think here we go again.

Idk what to do. I feel so sad and anxious and like I’ve lost all self respect. It just felt good at the time. I can’t help but think if I didn’t do it then maybe he may have been different with me. Help.

Ugh, he's horrible. When I was younger a lot of us had casual sex but there was never this kind of expectation or attitude towards the woman. It seems that nowadays men expect women to have sex and put up with all sorts of shit like choking and don't even seem to think they have to date the women. Friends of mine have said they've known guys who expect the woman to go to theirs for the first meeting, so the guy doesn't even have to leave his sofa. It's really entitled and really grim.

With this one I just would block and delete - I wouldn't bother responding at all. You know what he's like now - nothing he says will make any difference.

I think this is more about your feelings towards having sex than his comments. I would hope a man I had had sex with already would want to do it again, assuming I had enjoyed it. He may have been a bit clumsy in the delivery though. If you are concerned just make sure the next meeting is an actual date, but enjoying sex early in a relationship does not devalue any other part of the connection.

Really? For me it would definitely be about his comments! They’re so inappropriate

Getting worn in sounds very unappealing. Think I’d decline another date.

Errr, yuk, agreed, that was a horrible comment.

Might as well know now!

See how he responds to your reaction.

"Worn in". Huh. Silly little man

I wonder how he would respond to: "Oh yes! Let's get together again, I'd like to wear your dick into a bloody and bruised little nub" along with some enthusiastic knife emojis

I don’t like his comment at all and I’d be put off by his attitude and phrasing. Sex as something that I need to be able to “take”… urgh.

However, your phrasing of giving in isn’t great either. It sounds as though you weren’t pressured into it, but that maybe you’ve had some tough relationships/situations so maybe your view of sex could do with reframing a bit

Where did the ‘fucking bitch’ comment come into the conversation though? I’m a bit confused.

I’d knock it on the head with this guy at any rate. You didn’t ’give in’ though - you just had a shag with someone you’d had a nice evening with. There’s nothing wrong with that.

OP, I think it’s ok to feel upset by his use of language and what he might imply. BUT what is less ok is to have voiced it to him in such intense way. You could have brought it up in a calmer manner. For example, you could have said you feel uncomfortable by the assumption that you’re after casual sex, or whatever. And then you can have that conversation like two adults.

I’m afraid I would also be put off by a reaction like yours. Yes, that reaction might come from trauma but he doesn’t know that. And i hope you don’t tell him - it’s far too early for that level of sharing.

Hm, yeah I don't like the actual comment he made either. Specifically the 'worn in' part. But I also don't like the lens you're viewing sex through. It's not a huge mistake/giving in. It was a mutual choice. And it happens at some point if the relationships going anywhere.

Decent men don't suddenly have a personality transplant when you have sex with them on the second date vs the 10th.

This…

When you are upset about what someone has said to you and you come on here for advice, it’s useful to include what they said to you in the OP.

referencing the fact you had sex is fine, saying it was fun is fine. I would not be ok with this comment ans if you aren’t then you shouldn’t see him again.

In your OP you said you snapped.

It’s sex , if you both enjoyed it, then what is the issue?

Do you want to see him and have sex again? If so, then do it.

Although, you seem to have an alcohol issue, so maybe try sober.

That’s a really odd, unsexy thing to say though. It doesn’t really make much sense. Did something go wrong, or was the sex kinds bad? Or did you maybe make some comments about how you hadn’t had sex in a while/he was big/you weren’t used to it?
It just doesn’t seem like a sexy text someone would send out of nowhere, unless you had made comments around how long it had been since you’d had sex.

If he said it out of nowhere then he’s really bad at flirting and fun texting as well as being a bit icky really. It would put me off. If you had talked about it being a long time since you’d have sex, then it actually makes sense as an attempted sexy response (but still shows he’s bad at flirting).

Just seen the update further.

You’re not compatible with him, move on.

I get you OP, he’s immediately gone from treating you as a human being, interested in you, to treating you as outlet for sex, and that’s why you reacted as you did.

The thick fuck doesn't even realise that the reason you were so up for sex was because he treated you like a human being, and that is attractive.

The ick has set in now, I’d be moving gyms.

Gross comment.

I actually think youre right OP and you had sex with him before you knew him well enough. As you said, casual sex isn't really your thing.

So he is negging your sexual performance?

TBH I'm finding this thread quite hard to follow but if it's the case he is putting your sexual performance down then I wouldn't see him again.

Sounds to me like he’s saying he’s got a huge dick so she needs wearing in to be able to take it all. I agree it’s disrespectful unless it’s something you talked about at the time.

Yes you’re upset from the wrong reason imo. He was commenting on the quality of sex, he didn’t it was good. Sorry op but that’s what you should be raging about.

@ThePerkyCoralPoet Initially I was torn on this, wondering if the fact you’ve had negative experiences previously was causing you to act in defence prematurely. But after reading EXACTLY what he said I would agree that this is grim. His language is hardcore porn style/domination and degradation style, which if that’s what you’re into and consenting to as a couple then whatever, but it’s 2 dates in and he’s talking about ‘wearing you in’ like you’re a bike or some shoes. Yuck.

In the eyes of men like this, you may have lost self-respect, but who gives a shit about his opinion if he’s going to talk like this!

Sex is natural and mutual, if you enjoyed it then have it as a memory, but don’t let him take anything else from you now that you aren’t intentionally giving and you’ve got some learning info for your next dates.

His comment sounds stupid, doesn’t really make sense. It’s not sexy. Trust your gut always.

There's a world of difference between saying something like "can't stop thinking about last night, had a great time" and talking about wearing you in, like a tricky pair of hiking shoes. Not remotely sexy, and sort of implying that the sex wasn't great.

I'd have lost all respect for/interest I'm him after that message. It's grim. And his views on sex (that you need wearing in) wouldn't be compatible with mine.

YANBU to be upset that someone who seemed nice turned out to be a dick.

Did he have a large penis? That's kind of what it sounds like he is referring to.

It's a weird thing to say. Perhaps you are not sexually compatible if he feels you need practice.