I’ve made the mistake of giving in too soon

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I went on a second date with a guy from my gym. We’ve seen each other a few times at the gym but nothing came of it till we matched on a dating app. We got to talking. Super respectful, booked dates promptly. Asked me out and followed through. I made the biggest mistake of going back to his after a few drinks and did the deed a few times. I would NEVER do this. But I have been celibate for a while. Just wanted to have sex when it was right and it all just felt right and I got swept up in the moment.

I had a great night. I really did. But I just don’t know if now that I’ve done it he’s lost all respect for me because he brought up the sex mid convo today. So I snapped and said “If you wanna see me and get to know me that’s absolutely fine and if sex happens again, fine. But absolutely no way am I being picked and dropped for sex. If that’s not something you’re interested in then fair enough you just gotta to say the words and I’ll respect that x“

It annoyed me because he was super gentlemanly and booking things and seemed keen to be respectful but that one comment he made about the sex and it being a fun night just made me think here we go again.

Idk what to do. I feel so sad and anxious and like I’ve lost all self respect. It just felt good at the time. I can’t help but think if I didn’t do it then maybe he may have been different with me. Help.

Op that is not how I read this at all....jeez he is saying he enjoyed it and wants more.

Your tantrum is what's going to make him think it isn't worth it....

The teaching moment was more to do with drinking and making poor choices.

Honestly OP I could never move forward with a man who said that to me after two dates. You getting all stroppy and boundary asserting is beside the point IMO. You can’t make someone respect you. His attitude is grim . I’d move on if I were you. And stay off the booze for your next few dates while you get to know the guy. Or just stick to one drink . If you just want a shag, sounds like this guy will do the job but either way the way he spoke to you is a bit grim

To the poster who asked if I read what he said (I tried to quote but failed)
I read all the versions of what he said. The op's interpretation of what he said in her 2nd comment "like you're a fucking bitch" was, to me, much worse than what was said. Which is why I think she is over-reacting.
It was a crass and laddish comment. In the context of having just had sex multiple times in the previous night I don't think it was more than that.
I think it's a huge leap from one unpleasant crass comment to he was only using me for sex and called me the equivalent of a fucking bitch.

All im reading is he said enjoy last night then.
And you have a tantrum over it.
Op ive said the same thing and had the same thing said to me.
Maybe this is why you have been single so long you find fault in every thing.
Taking things offensive for no reasons.
Making a mountain out of a mole heap.

Every time you say what he said, it's something different. We're you drunk last night when you posted?

Ultimately, you sound like you're not ready to be having a physical relationship with someone, if you're kicking off about a man talking to you about sex - after you've had sex. You haven't 'given in' to anything, you chose to have sex because you wanted to have sex. Your way of talking about it, and your anger, suggests you have some issues around sex. You said you've had some trauma - have you had any therapy?

I generally have sex after the 1st or 2nd or 3rd date - depending on how I'm feeling about it. If I'm not wanting sex with them on the 3rd date, there's no 4th 😂

His comments would completely turn me off so I wouldn’t go out with him again. It is hard not to regret the sex if you subsequently get the ick but it happens to most of us at some point.

This is a chicken and egg situation.

your own language: ‘giving in’ ‘lost self respect’ ‘wounded woman’ sounds like you’re nowhere near ready to date without more therapy to unpack that.

wounded women attract sleazes because you have ‘vulnerable’ written on your forehead. You have also attracted a sleaze.

dump mr tall enough for this ride and get more therapy.

But I have been celibate for a while. Just wanted to have sex when it was right and it all just felt right and I got swept up in the moment.

This isn't 1910, you are allowed to like and enjoy safe, consensual, casual sex.
It isn't shameful.

Just move on now, with grace and confidence.

Grim! 🤢 At least you know NOW rather than after 20 dates where he appears to be a nice guy etc and then you sleep with him and you have already fallen for him etc 🤷‍♀️ You’ve been pre warned what he’s like. Throw that one back in the gutter where he came from and keep looking for the decent one

In that case yanbu and I wouldn't meet him again.

I would find that crude and offensive OP.

It sounds as though he expects women to be trained to provide him with sex as he wants it.

I dont blame you for being repulsed and I think you should move on and put this experience with him behind you.

Had missed the update with what he actually said 🤦‍♀️, which I agree is awful and not clear from earlier posts. He sounds horrible. Saying that, the OP beating herself up that she caused it by sleeping with him too soon is rubbish. A man like that will think about women that way if you wait 2 dates or 2 months and at least she hasn’t wasted too much time on him.

OP You have every right to your instinct here and every right to fire at him.

Why am I saying that, well due to the fact that if he is sending you a curde message, taking this lovely night into something else entirely, and I get why that makes you feel the way you do.

You are standing your ground because you know your own worth, he is just a bellend who is hoping for more, and his message indicates what he feels you are worth. He may also be someone who is clumsy in communication, but still, you have every right to educate this man on your worth

They had sex on this lovely night and he sent her a sexual message the next day. So it's not taking it to something else entirely. So what if he is hoping for more? He obviously enjoyed it then and would like it to happen again.

I'm guessing she is quite young and I can totally understand the feelings but i think its unfair to label this guy a bellend and so on, on the basis of one text. It was crude but we dont know what went on that night between the two of them.

She doesnt need to see the guy again and doesnt even need to talk to him again.

Sounds like my ex to be honest. If he didn't get his way on the first or second he would be telling people that you needed 'warming up' as you weren't falling for his charms.

Complete gentleman to everyone although I had the police involved and they said I had been raped through coercive control. Just be careful op.

Definitely didn’t over react. What he said was rank. There are some real ‘pick me’s on this thread, berating you for over-reacting.

Never got an apology just a “good morning. You’re definitely a little more moody over text than in person aren’t yoh. Hope you had a lovely Monday xx” like bitch wtf

I get it @ThePerkyCoralPoet that sort of language would have put me off someone straight away.

He sounds like a total dick . Billy big balls.

Ugh no, he’s rank and he doesn’t even know it. Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve been lucky to discover early on who he really is! Imagine going all the way to date 7, having sex then only to find out exactly the same?
His words are representative of who he is and how he perceives women, and have nothing to do at which date you had sex.