I’ve made the mistake of giving in too soon

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I went on a second date with a guy from my gym. We’ve seen each other a few times at the gym but nothing came of it till we matched on a dating app. We got to talking. Super respectful, booked dates promptly. Asked me out and followed through. I made the biggest mistake of going back to his after a few drinks and did the deed a few times. I would NEVER do this. But I have been celibate for a while. Just wanted to have sex when it was right and it all just felt right and I got swept up in the moment.

I had a great night. I really did. But I just don’t know if now that I’ve done it he’s lost all respect for me because he brought up the sex mid convo today. So I snapped and said “If you wanna see me and get to know me that’s absolutely fine and if sex happens again, fine. But absolutely no way am I being picked and dropped for sex. If that’s not something you’re interested in then fair enough you just gotta to say the words and I’ll respect that x“

It annoyed me because he was super gentlemanly and booking things and seemed keen to be respectful but that one comment he made about the sex and it being a fun night just made me think here we go again.

Idk what to do. I feel so sad and anxious and like I’ve lost all self respect. It just felt good at the time. I can’t help but think if I didn’t do it then maybe he may have been different with me. Help.

Oh yuk that's a disgusting comment he made and if you'd said it at the start you'd have got very different responses! I was going to say you're overreacting and catastrophising which - if he had just made a comment about wanting to have sex with you again you would be - but that comment was vile and you should absolutely bin him off for that.

It's hard to tell whether what you've said he said is a direct quote or whether you're paraphrasing because its changed a couple of times and, I agree, your language around this is a bit confusing.

Why do you feel you 'gave in' to sex rather just having had sex?

If he did actually refer to 'riding dick' again, well, I would probably have second thoughts about whether he was the right man for me but just saying that sex was fun and he'd like to do it again? I can't see the problem woth that.

Did you think it was fun? Would you have liked to do it again?

I can't gety head around the idea that sex is something women give to men. If you want sex, you have sex. Once it's been had, it's a bit odd to react so intensely to someome saying they enjoyed it and would like to do it again. It doesn't mean that's all they want.

Don’t see him again = problem solved

This

Honestly op if he really likes you then the exact time you had sex shouldn’t matter. He should be apologising for the way he talks to you. If hes not worried and aplogosing hes Not jot the one

The comment is gross and I’m glad you spelled it out because the exact words make a big difference. I think it would be a horrible comment even if you were both looking for no strings sex.

He’s not the right man for you so I’d end it here. Agree with your comment above about not drinking if it tends to end up with you doing things you regret.

I agree. He sounds immature and gross. This would have always come out at some point.

His language is crass but I'm not sure whether to believe that's what he actually said since it changes so often. So he thought the sex was bad then? Was it? Is that the real reason you regret it? No need to be ashamed of having sex with anyone at any time; if it's consensual.

Either he’s one for you or he’s not. But delaying sex would not have had any benefit.

My own sister bedded her now husband within a few hours of meeting (she jokes he was easy) and they have been married for years.

Just throw this one back. And just think you enjoyed it for what it was. There is no shame in enjoying sex with someone new and who you don’t have a relationship with but you are obviously feeling vulnerable so take it slower next time

Honestly OP it wasn't nice what he said but you sound like you are a heroine in a Barbara Cartland book .
Or as MN would say clutching your pearls .

Ok he sounds gross. Enjoy it for what it was which was some nice sex at the time (it's ok to enjoy that) and move on if you don't feel comfortable with the language he's using. If that's your bag then all good, not much else to say really.

Some people like the kind of language he's using, in all seriousness, so I'm not here to kink shame or tell anyone whether they should or shouldn't feel disrespected. But given your post it seems you are uncomfortable with this (as I would be) and there are plenty more fish in the sea. Sayanora to this guy.

Gently, it may be worth getting some therapy. I also think you over reacted. He sent you a bit of a dirty text after you'd had sex. I would think that was pretty normal and if all he wanted was sex then he wouldn't have texted at all surely

@ThePerkyCoralPoet
I just caught up with the thread. You’re a bitch and he needs a few more ‘rides’?..

Straight to the bin. You didn’t overreact and well done for asserting your boundaries.

Him being ‘gentlemanly’ was just a facade and he would have carried on with keeping it whilst the outcome probably would have been the same. Bin and don’t look back

I don't think he was criticising her performance. He's trying to get her to talk about sex in a (i assume this is over messaging) foreplay kinda way. I think it's fair enough to send a dirty text after sex to let the other person know it's on your mind. Is it a bit soon? Yes as she might not be into dirty talk, but he's chancing his arm. And is the message a bit clunky? Definitely. He could have worded his text sex a lot better.

Just because he's using filthy language doesn't mean he doesn't respect you. Some of the messages I used to exchange with my DH were shocking, lol. But it was a bit odd for so early on. He wants you to confirm his dick is massive basically.

Absolutely. Every relationship I've had that started organically (ie not OLD) started with sex and progressed. Including 2 marriages! The right man won't care at what point a woman has sex with him and certainly won't lose respect for her because of it.

If he doesn't want to meet for dinner or an actual date though it's a definite no.

To add to my previous comments up thread, you did not “give in too soon”. Sex is shared not given. You were both having sex.

If you wait ages, have sex and it does not work out, you have wasted a lot of time.

You are experiencing the hormone crash after sex.

Sex creates a huge oxytocin hormone whirlwind. Then comes a crash.

It's ones of the main reasons I don't really do ONSs, because I can't handle it.

I do think it's on you for having sex so early with him. Yes he could have been more caring and thoughtful after but tbh that would feel quite fake to me because you don't really know them yet.

He said “Just need to learn how to take my dick a few more practices and you might get worn in xx”

I've just read this. Oh this is gross. Why are you even upset about him?

Honestly, I think you are completely over-reacting.
You say you stayed at his " did the deed a few times" then left at 5:00 (am?). He said he enjoyed the night and was sad that daylight had brought an end to your night. I would translate what he said as he wasn't ready for your night to be over and wished you would stay and continue the date. It was a bit crass and a bit laddish but nothing more than that. I would have probably have laughed and come back with an even more crass response. In context I really don't see any hint of him wanting you only for sex. Just a clumsy comment.
I think he will be completely confused by your reaction as it appears it came out of nowhere. It may make him think twice about seeing you again exactly the same way as you feel about him now.
If you don't want to see him again, don't. You don't need a reason.
I honestly think the term "gave in to soon" is such a weird term and it implies you feel like you surrendered yourself to him like an old fashioned romance novel. That you allowed him to win you rather than two people mutually agreeing to sex because they want to.

Did you read what he actually said though?

That would put me off too OP but unfortunately that’s a response casual sex is likely to get. I would drop him, not drink again (no more poor choices) and try and develop a relationship first before the sex. Put it down as a teaching moment and move on.

Fuck me! I'd be kicking him into touch, no second chances. He's told you who he is, walk away with your head high. I'm really not sure why you've had a grilling on here OP. If you felt disrespected and needed to say something, no-one can argue with that. My god everyone goes on about boundaries and not being a doormat and then, when someone stands up for themselves they're told they're jumping the gun 🙄 Good for you OP! Go and find someone who will respect you 💐

Only it’s not a teaching moment. There’s no correlation between having sex early on and the quality or length of any subsequent relationship. I slept with everyone very early on to avoid discovering I had fallen for someone who was poor in bed, or had incompatible kinks. I slept with DH the first time we dated. In 1992.