Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

He's actively cheating on you, and if what they do ends up in sex & you're still ttc (as it seems your urge for another baby is great enough to still want to sleep with him) you're putting yourself & baby at risk of stis - as you would be if he was cheating on you with a person of any gender. In fact I'd get an sti test asap, he's admitted to kissing, it may well be more.

Can you speak to anyone else from the stag do to get their perspective on it and see if the stories line up?

This.

He’s trying to minimise this but there’s nothing ‘laddish’ about a straight man snogging his bi best friend, more than once. He’s cheating.

Sorry this is such a huge red flag, please dont have another baby with him, he isnt being honest with you at all

Oh so sorry Op!

Drunkenly kissing anybody regularly would be relationship ship ending for me,

Plus you have the added element that your partner may be lying to himself about his sexuality - and to you! And that will be causing a lot of strain. I would end it honestly.

The two of them are making a fool of you. 'Laddish' behaviour isn't kissing each other. Your husband is attracted to men. I'd say the 'laddish' behaviour includes sex if he's admitting to kissing. They usually start by confessing to a lesser crime.

Sorry, but men do not kiss each other as banter.

This is the big flag that it’s more than just drunken banter:

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away.

This sounds more like an emotional affair than a friendship, and now that ‘friendship’ has turned physical it is clearly escalating. If it started on or near the time of his stag do, I suspect it was triggered by his formal ‘commitment’ to you, but it didn’t stop at that point.

I would go out of my way to approach his friend without your DH’s knowledge- call him/ go round his house etc. I’d tell him your DH has told you everything but you want his version of events (obviously don’t tell him what your DH has actually said) - you want to catch him without your DH being able to give him prior warning so they can’t align stories, and you want to judge his unprompted reaction.

I also would be taking a look at his phone to see what the nature of their messages are really like, and whether there’s anything sexual in there.

Bottom line, he has cheated. He is minimising but his behaviour suggests there is much more to it than a drunken lark. Only you know whether you’ll accept infidelity in your marriage.

Has he said he’ll stop doing it??

So everyone that has seen them at this has kept quiet. Nice.

He is lying and minimising

There’s a staggering amount of homophobia on this thread

Omg you really need to leave this man. Sexuality aside it's so disrespectful. Amd this is a long term emotional thing. And something that's upset him..
One of my friends who is bi once kissed me when she was drunk. I was a bit annoyed to be honest but I let it go as she was very very drunk. I myself am also bi. But I was in a relationship and there was no question in my mind that I did not want that to be happening. However I didn't mope around afterwards being wierd. I just told my partner and he rolled his eyes and that was that. It never happened again because it was clear I was not happy about it.
So the sexuality issue here is a smokescreen. The gender of the people involved makes no difference. He has repeatedly ended up kissing this person and is walking around quiet and troubled by his feelings regarding it.
That's the end for me. I would not be planning on having a baby with this man I'd be ending the relationship.
I don't want to be someone's consolation prize or their base camp.
Find your self esteem and anger and leave.

I think there are two separate issues here: the fact that he’s cheated, and the fact that he’s cheated with a man.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit. Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about I’m not saying he’s lying to you, but if he’s kissed him a few times, and you didn’t notice a change in his personality then, what has happened in the past few weeks to make him short tempered and snappy? My first thoughts are that the best mate has given him some kind of ultimatum (tell her or I will), or things went a lot further than kissing just before the change in behaviour, or he’s had a serious talk with his friend and is now questioning his sexuality. Possibly all three.

No, being bi doesn’t mean you’re any more likely to cheat than any other sexuality. But if he’s kissing another man on a semi regular basis, then he is at least bi, and he is cheating.

You could give him an ultimatum and say that if your marriage is to be saved then he has to cut ties with his friend, but a) would you trust him to be honest about it if he agreed and b) if he is just realising his sexuality and wanting to explore it further, can you be sure he won’t be looking to do so?

So they are a group of bi/gay men.

He's taking you for some mug if you think that laddish behaviour involves men kissing each other.🙄
If it wasn't so ridiculous it would be funny.

Tell him you are glad he has no problem with you sharing his repeatedly "laddish" behaviour with family and friends as you have never heard of this and neither of those you have checked with so far.

He thinks you are naive mug.
Get tested too.
God knows what he could pick up from his laddish behaviour!

He's deluding you (and possibly himself) trying to pass this off like it's something everyone does. I mean how many times do your friend's partners or husbands snog their mates while drunk? I suspect his mate fancies him and has made that obvious at times (even if just flirty banter) and your dh is either interested or intrigued and so is testing the waters while drunk. If your dh has always labelled himself as straight and he's married to a woman, he probably finds admitting any curiosity or attraction towards a man difficult to come to terms with and admit. But the truth is, completely straight men, who have zero interest in other guys, don't go around snogging their male mates, they just don't.

Pretty much, OP.

First and foremost get yourself down the clinic.

Personally I’d leave. For the following reasons:

• He has lied by omission about his sexuality. Straight men don’t kiss other men.
• It is cheating.
• He is trying to minimise it.
• He didn’t tell you straight away.
• I think he’s lying and it was more than just a kiss.

However if you do believe it was just a kiss and you want to stay with him, I would make it a condition he never sees or speaks to this man again. As PPs have said this guy has probably been chasing him for a while and he will be very smug he’s got a kiss.

Also I would pause TCC. I don’t know how old you are or if it’s your last chance, but I don’t think adding a baby into the mix is a good idea. But that is a deeply personal choice.

I am really sorry this happened OP. If you can leave your toddler with someone and go get yourself a treat and have a moment to yourself.

Actually @TickyTacky is right. You might be wise to get an STD check OP.

I have occasionally kissed (a peck on the lips) female friends on nights out when we've been drunk and being silly. I am female and it meant absolutely nothing. If this is what happened then I would worry about it.

BUT why has he been offish for the last few weeks if it was nothing???

As an aside I agree men are a lot less likely to kiss their friends than women. But I feel that there are undertones of homophobia in some of the comments saying that men would be repulsed by it. I'm straight but not repulsed by the thought of kissing a woman, it just does nothing for me. It's a shame that men are repulsed/ have to be seen to be repulsed by it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I’m sure if you were out there having drunken kisses this wouldn’t be his reaction

Really? I haven't seen any. All I've seen are posters who think kissing another person when married is unacceptable. What homophobic posts are you referring to?

I suggest you stop trying for a baby immediately. This would be a huge deal for me. He's cheating on you, repeatedly.

He’s trying to downplay it to you because he wants you to think it was nothing but he obviously knows it isn’t nothing because he felt the need to tell you (after lying and hiding it from you) and I doubt he’s telling the truth about it just being kisses every time either. Even if he is it would be a complete deal breaker for me. He has cheated and it sounds like he’s bi.

People don’t kiss other people (repeatedly) that they don’t want to.

Your husband wanted to do this with this person. It doesn’t matter their gender. He has certain feelings that made him want to kiss someone else.

I agree with that 100%.

You need to stop TTC. You can't bring a baby into this.

Your H is getting drunk and getting off with his friend. He's disrespecting you and your relationship. This isn't banter. It's disrespectful, a breach of trust and boundaries.