Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different?

Here's the thing. It isn't. Well actually it's a bit worse because if it was a woman he wouldn't be able to justify it to himself.

DH and I are of the age and in the social circles where he did the metrosexual social hugging and kissing for other men that was fashionable 20+ years ago but nothing like you're talking about. Repeated drunken snogging, getting all snappish over it, that's quite different. Not acceptable with a friend of either sex.

Your DH is lying. Maybe to himself. Certainly to you. Don't let him minimise this. Your feelings do count. If your husband wont drop the friendship then you may have to end the marriage.

Possibly marriage and a child did make his feelings go away temporarily. And then they came back. Maybe we underestimate how much the wish to have a child can be a sexual drive in its own right.

I would not speak to the friend, it will only make things worse for you. The friend may lie to you as well. Or gang up with DH. You have already seen your DH's actions with your own eyes and you've heard what he's told you. You know what makes sense and what doesn't - and as Judge Judy says, if it doesn't make sense it's not true.

If he's not attracted to his friend then he needs to stop prick-teasing because clearly his friend fancies the fuck out of him. It's very flattering for DH to be the "man in the middle" with two people finding him so attractive but that's very immature of him. Also, bear in mind that when two partners are in competition the man in the middle seems more attractive to both of them. Often when one partner drops their end suddenly the man in the middle seems a lot less attractive to the remaining partner.

Quite a few comments along the lines of it being disgusting or repulsive…”He has never kissed another man, the very thought would sicken him.” Was the first I saw but there are others.

100% agree that it’s bullshit kissing other people when you’re married and he’s a prick for doing it

Your DH is gaslighting you. Deep down you know that what he has done is not right, and that you deserve much much better. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

The friend being male is a red herring and not relevant. He has regularly cheated on you with someone he is very close to and who is a huge part of his life. That’s all you need to focus on.

This would be marriage ending for me.

Report any homophobic posts you see. (Although a straight person being disgusted at the idea of kissing a same sex friend isn't what I'd call homophobic, exactly. It's a bit extreme to say they'd be disgusted perhaps but straight people don't want to kiss same sex people and find it a turn off - it's kind of the point.)

Kissing your friends is not laddish. What planet is he on? The downplaying of it raises even more red flags. He's definitely not straight. He's trying to play this like he is and therefore say it's not an issue, but straight men don't kiss men.

I'd be furious.

Firstly, I'd be so angry if DH kissed anyone else. Ever. Male, female, whatever, it shouldn't happen (or not without prior agreement if that's your inclination) in a marriage.

Second, I'd feel so humiliated by the little in jokes 'are you jealous' etc when they both knew they'd been having drunken kisses behind you back (ooh were so naughty, giggle, giggle).

What a pair of bastards.
I'm not sure where I'd go with it but he should be trying to make amends not pretending it never happened.
You're right to feel wobbly. Your marriage and relationship has just been turned upside down.

Personally, I think the fact that his friend is male is a bit of a red herring.

That said, the fact is your DH has kissed someone else while you’ve been in a relationship with him.

There has been more than one kiss and you can’t know for certain whether a kiss is all it has been on each occasion.

These kisses have happened with someone who is a regular and significant person in his life, not just a drunken snog with a random in a nightclub that they’ll never see again.

Only you can decide whether multiple kisses are enough to cause you to leave him (it would be for me in my marriage). At the very least you should take the advice of PPs and put TTC on hold, get a sexual health check and if you do decide to stay with him, there can be no question of any ongoing friendship between them. That needs to be a definitive line in the sand if there’s any chance of him gaining back your trust.

Best of luck x

As kissing a man or woman may potentially feel for a gay man or a lesbian.

I once had a friend in fact talk about how the thoughts of performing oral sex on a woman was so horrific to him that's how he knew he was 100% gay.

We all have our own sexual preferences.

It might mean ‘nothing’ to him but it sure matters a huge amount to you.

Sorry you’re going through this. You must feel so shocked, confused and hurt. Allow yourself to process this.

He’s been acting off because of guilt and his own confusions around his sexuality. He’s minimising his own actions to you to try and sweep it all under the rug. He’s hoping that if he can play it off as “drunk laddish behaviour” you’ll let him off the hook.

Please don’t let him off the hook. He is cheating. He most likely has feelings for his friend. & I agree with other posters, if they haven’t had sex yet it’s only a matter of time before they will.

You need to have a serious, open and honest discussion with him. If he’s got nothing to hide he will show remorse for his actions and will be able to have a calm discussion with you.

If he can’t have a calm discussion with you about this, and get gets angry/emotional or tries to minimise his actions or turn things round on you then I’m sorry but the marriage is over.

He is your child's God father.

Something you entrusted him with. Who was cheating with your husband at his own stags

You owe him jack shit. He isnt a friend to you and he obviously doesn't care about your son either.

Neither of them seem to bothered about lying to your face regularly, or humiliating you with in your own social circle.

How many people apparently "saw" that attended your wedding knowing what they had been up to, behind your back.

I think you are showing them alot more consideration than either of them have you.

He has never kissed another man, the very thought would sicken him.

Bit dramatic, no? I'm a lesbian, and the mere thought of kissing a man doesn't "sicken" me.

Also, for what it's worth, you don't actually KNOW whether or not your husband has kissed another man...

I asked him if he’d stop seeing him and he’s basically said no.

He is telling you clearly who is most important to him.
It's him
Then his mate... then you.

Whatever else you do stop trying for a baby and use ideally 2 forms of contraception if you keep having sex

I would 💯 want a conversation with the mate on his own.

and i would want to sit the 2 of them at a table and ask

1. how the fuck you are expected to go forward after this?
2. How would either of them feel in your shoes?

Honestly, this would be the beginning of the end for me.
It's going to get so fucked up if you stay.

I can already see how this looks in 12m.
Its summer you have a Big bbq and the 2 of them are buddying up and being matey over the bbq, you understandably have frayed nerves, maybe you drink too much ...they are oblivious and you are ignored, you end up making a huge scene and get painted as some deranged hysterical woman when actually your responsibility would be totally normal for anyone in your situation.

Get out.

If your best friend was bi would you kiss her after a few drinks? That’s how absurd it is. Regardless of the sex, he has cheated on you. I’d definitely put the baby on hold for now.

I am sorry this is happening @Alitea .

I'm going to take a sympathetic view here. Not to defend him, but because I know this thread will fill up with homophobic remarks.

Thing is he's told you. He didn't need to tell you, but he has. There will be a reason for this. Here's my view and some suggestions:

He is using you to test what it's like to 'come out'. That's not fair, and things shouldn't have got this far, but you are where you are with this.

You need to stop TTC now. TTC will complicate things hugely, and all the feelings associated with TTC may cloud everyone's judgement.

You need to arrange a time to discuss it with him quietly. You don't want any more lies. His own internalised homophobia is an issue here.

You might need to accept that the romantic relationship is over. So, what should things be like now? Can you ever be 'just friends'?

Lots of people on this thread will be goading you to react harshly and swiftly. Please don't. Listen, but make clear the relationship is 'over.'

Be kind to yourself (and him), and try to conclude things in a way that doesn't leave you feeling bitter and sad.

He did it now. Not when you were pregnant, or when you had a child. Not ten or fifteen years into the marriage. It could be much worse.

If he wasn’t bi/gay, he wouldn’t even be slightly tempted. A natural reaction if a friend did this would be annoyance and avoiding them for a while because it would be uncomfortable. But they a weekly gym buddies. It would make me feel worried.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be ok with this. And I would definitely stop TTC. Frankly, I wouldn’t want the insecurity of having this hanging over the relationship and facing the newborn days, not to mention having a period where I can’t face sex but know he might be kissing someone else (of either sex!). I’m sorry he has done this to you

If it’s nothing serious why was it enough for him to feel the need to confess and for it to be impacting his mood?

If the kiss meant nothing on your stag do, why did he repeat it? Your husband has been off the last few weeks, snappy and bad tempered because he is wrestling with himself over his feelings for his best mate. He won’t end the friendship even if it meant you separated because he’s got sexual feelings for him.
Your marriage is over @Alitea I think your H has been suppressing his bi side for a long time, years in fact. His best mate knew and has fancied him a long time too.

Is the kiss one if those exaggerated lip smacking one or a ‘proper’ kiss?
Last time I went out in town there was a group of blokes who were a little worse for wear and we were laughing because there were a few ‘I really love you mate, nah seriously’ bear hugging and one gave his obvious bestie a loud lip smacking kiss on the cheek whilst professing that he was the best mate he’d ever had.
If that was my DH that wouldn’t bother me, I have a female friends that kiss me on the cheek when we’re saying goodbye.
If we are talking about something else then it’s entirely different.
My DH has mates he’s known all his life and when they catch up, they are so pleased to see each other, I’ve seen them hug, back slap and grab each others faces for pantomime kisses but they certainly don’t snog each other, best mates or otherwise.
I wouldn’t be TTC at the moment.

Ps - do you have any lesbian friends? I assume DH isn’t happy with you basically dating them and kissing them whenever you like? Or does he think same sex relationships don’t count?!

I agree with what a lot have said already. He’s cheated on you multiple times, it doesn’t matter whether it’s with a man or woman. He’s obviously Bi at the very least and I wouldn’t be surprised if he has gone further than a kiss. Get yourself tested and don’t have another baby with this man. Good luck OP and protect yourself and your DC.

It's cheating no matter what and he's being really unfair downplaying and making you question yourself. How would he feel if you said "oh well I've also been kissing my mate Jane for the last few months but don't worry, it's just friendly fun..."??

Also, he's not doing this "matey kissing" with other friends is he? Why not if it's so not a big deal and not to do with attraction? And if it's so not a big deal then why has he been off/down enough that it has revealed itself to you? The things he's saying just aren't adding up.

So sorry you’re going through this op.

He’s trying to pass this off as stupid, but in reality he’s cheated on you numerous times, on his stag do AND whilst you’re TTC! Just because it’s another man, or a mate doesn’t make it acceptable.

In your shoes I’d be insisting that he stops all contact with his ‘friend’. No more nights out, no more gym sessions and no more chatting on any app, if he wants to continue to be married he goes NC with this person. Id be treating it exactly the same as if it was with a woman, because it is exactly the same as if it were a woman, cheating is cheating. Sex or no sex it’s still him deceiving you.