Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Your DH is bi or gay and I doubt it was just kissing. Either way, get checked out and stop TTC. You don't need to bring a child into this mess until you know exactly who your husband is.

They are trying for another baby!

I would not mind this as much as some people if he could be fully honest about what was going on, but I'm bi myself and somehow I feel like it's less of a betrayal than another woman would be. However there is probably more than meets the eye going on here and possibly a relationship that's more than you realise, or he's holding back some things and not being fully honest. That would be the issue for me.

Also, how would he feel if you were regularly snogging your ‘mate’, including on your hen do?

You seem to be less upset that he’s cheated with a man OP. Reframe it in your head that he’s been going out and at the end of the evening sneaking off with the same woman and kissing her (imagine at the very least groping has been involved) he even felt a strong enough desire for the same woman to kiss her on his fucking stag do?!

He goes out weekly to the gym with this woman, who has also said to you ‘don’t be jealous’. They’re laughing at you with their shared sordid little secret…

If it was just a peck then why did he feel so guilty that he was treating you badly to the point you had to talk to him about it? He knows it’s wrong but he doesn’t think he has to choose. He needs counselling and you need to take it seriously or you will be stuck in a very unhappy marriage with a new baby.

There is a thread on MN where the woman has been cheated on and her husband has left her for another man. Don’t let this be you in 20 years time. Face it now even if the answer isn’t what you want.

He has crossed the line with this friend. Now he needs to decide whether his friendship or his marriage means more because he can’t have both.

I think the questions here for me would be:

Would I tolerate this if it was a female friend? If no, then I wouldn’t tolerate it with a male friend. It’s no different.

Would he tolerate this if you kept drunkenly snogging one of you male friends? Would he be happy for you to go to the gym with that friend, go drinking with that friend, hang out just with that friend? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t.

Come on op don't be naive. So he's kissed his bi mate numerous times and is now saying he won't stop seeing him. He's cheated on you and told you where you sit in the pecking order. No respect for your feelings whatsoever. Would he be ok if the roles were reversed and you just start kissing your friend. He probably wasn't even that drunk. If it was nothing why has he been behaving how he has- i bet it's been more than a kiss

He's bi at the very least and if it were my husband he'd be out the door. His mate is clearly trying to break you up

Cheating is cheating. Don't let him minimise it.

He has lied to you from the outset who and what he is. No way would I stay with this level of deception, no matter how much he tries to minimise it (so he can keep seeing his lover). This is bad.

Usually men admit to a kiss for damage limitation

Oh op, I think you are both done here! This happened to a friend of mine. The itch gets itchier with time and I'm telling you he's gonna start scratching at some point if he hasn't already.
Sorry 💐 x

I don't think it would cross a straight man's mind to kiss another man, so the fact that it's happened multiple times (when his inhibitions have been lowered) would make me worry that he's lying to you or possibly even himself about his orientation, and that would bother me. I'd be concerned that it's only a matter of time before he 'discovers' that he's interested in exploring this other side of himself. I don't know how you can trust him after this. It's not a normal or healthy thing for him to have done, regardless of how he tries to spin or minimise it.

Have you asked him directly about his sexuality? About whether he considers what he has done to be cheating? And if he says no why not? About the significance of the first kiss being on his stag? About whether he feels bad?

I would assume that your partner and his friend have been attracted to each other for some time and finally acted on it.

The fact that his friend is a man is almost irrelevant.

Your problem is that your partner is very close to someone else, is attracted to that person romantically, kissed them on several occasions and won't stop seeing them, so your relationship is therefore over.

Your partner is probably in denial about his sexuality and wanted to have a 'normal' family but that did not stop the attraction to that man.

It must be such a shock for you but you are better off moving on, rather than letting him lie to you and risk bringing another child in the mix while he is having an affair behind you back.

Dump.

He shouldn't be kissing ANYONE!! Let alone multiple times. How are you meant to trust him to go out without you if he's repeatedly doing this?!

Now the fact its a man would really push me over the edge. There's clearly an attraction there or it wouldn't keep happening. You have to ask yourself if you're prepared to wait around and see if it escalates into sex if it hasn't already. Or turns into more kisses with other men. I couldn't live like that.

You need to get to the bottom of it with him really, he may be struggling with identity not facing he's probably bi but it's not just a kiss, kisses aren't often just randomly spontaneous, there's alot of flirting and body language leading up to it which means sustained attraction, and it's also repeated.

Ttc may not be best time sadly op x

It’s cheating and he’s told you because he’s feeling guilty / getting cold feet wrt a new baby or because someone else knows and is about to tell you. Cheaters will only tell you the minimum they can get away with as a rule so you can be pretty sure there is more to it than kissing. Everyone is different but this wouldn’t be acceptable to me personally and I would be telling him so in no uncertain terms and leaving him to neck his mate to his heart’s content while I got on with life.

I would guess he already has had sex or engaged in a sexual act with him recently hence the particularly off behaviour in the last few weeks. I’m assuming the kisses before, back to January, didn’t elicit such a response in him as OP only mentioned the last few weeks. He’s guilty now and I’d be asking what’s changed, other than the kisses prior to the spat few weeks.

It’d be a divorce for me OP as I wouldn’t tolerate cheating regardless of the sex of the other person. But it’s up to you, if you think you can work through it. If so, the friendship would have to be completely over for me.

Also, is he quiet because he’s being confronted with the fact he’s actually gay and processing that/coming to terms with it?

I think you should tell him that you are not carrying this loaf alone.
He has cheated multiple times with a buddy.
He clearly is bi or gay.
You would be mad to have another child.

Of course he is not going to stop seeing the person he is clearly in love with.
Don't kid yourself for a minute that this is not love for him.
Probably vety deeply.

I feel so sorry for you.
Tell him you want him to leave while you process.

Start investigating divorce and do not keep this to yourself.
You need supporting.

Oh and I wouldn't believe for a second they have stopped at kissing, multiple times.
Not a chance.

If they've kissed a few times, going back months at the least, why is it only in the past few weeks that his behaviour has changed? I'd suspect something more has happened recently, either in terms of a conversation about feelings or physically

You’re not stupid. He’s behaved badly and dishonestly and let you down. I’m so sorry you’re going through it.

He’s cheated on you plain and simple.

It doesn’t matter if it was a male or female.

He had physical interactions with someone multiple times.

And what’s even worse is that the person he did this with is his “best friend” meaning they are together often, speak frequently and this will probably happen again.