Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was a woman.

He's bi. Non-issue in itself, but I can't be with someone bi. So that would be it.

I would not just let it go, sorry. It sounds as if he's been in deep denial about some very important things, and he probably still is in denial about some of them.

He is probably bisexual himself which wouldn't be a huge issue now if he'd told you earlier and you'd both had a chance to figure out what that meant before you got married and had a child. But he didn't. And clearly something is going on with this friend otherwise a drunken snog wouldn't have made him unhappy and snappish for weeks afterwards.

Maybe the friend is seeing another bloke and DH feels jealous and now realises it's not just his friend who's attracted to him, it's two-way. Or maybe it's gone beyond a snog. Or it might be partly an attention-seeking thing, now that you're more focussed on children and family and thinking of another baby.

I agree with pp - there is no chance of both the marriage and the "friendship" surviving. It's more than an ordinary friendship, it's at least a heavy flirtation with a powerful sexual element even if it isn't a full-on affair. So your DH has a choice to make. He can't have both. Don't let him fob you off.

Take having another baby off the agenda for now. If you don't want to have sex with him right now then don't. It's a huge shock, you don't have to make big decisions immediately. Your feelings are every bit as important as his. Give yourself plenty of time to figure out how you feel about this and what you want in future.

I’m bi and married to a man. I wouldn’t be kissing anyone else male or female, friend or random because it would be cheating and deeply disrespectful to my marriage with DH.
Whether your DH admits to being bi or not, it is not a free pass for being able to kiss your same sex friends and pretend it isn’t cheating.

Repeated cheating with a’friend’, minimising, lying, unwilling to stop seeing the person he’s cheating with.

It’d be immediate separation for me.

Stopping TTC DC2 is adviseable.

How would you feel if it was your best mate he'd been snogging whilst drunk? Because the sex of the snoggee has nothing to do with it, since your husband is clearly bi.

Ugh. I'm sorry. As others have said, I would put the new baby on hold. He's clearly struggling with feelings and urges that are new (?) to him.

Even if you take your DH at absolute face value and accept "it's nothing", look at the flip side of this scenario. The "friend" is obviously attracted to DH and they repeatedly find themselves in this position, and therefore you must assume the friend is actively pursuing your DH and your DH is doing nothing to prevent the advances or put boundaries in place.

It most certainly is something and DH must be made to face that and take responsibility for it or your relationship is toast.

He’s been cheating and isn’t even sorry, he’s making it seem like your problem. Even if you were to consider forgiving him, he’s already said he won’t stop seeing this person. So the cheating will continue.
Leave him OP.

I think the fact that it's happened more than once means that he is struggling with his sexuality or finally exploring it. If this is his best friend, it's possible he is starting to develop romantic feelings for him, since the love is already there in some form.

At the very least, this is cheating.

I don't see how you could envision a future with this person.

This would be the end of my relationship tbh. Not even once, but many times, kissing another person male or female.
Sorry OP, this should be the end before it gets too messy.
Your husbands friend is a cunt.

Yikes.

This would be a massive deal for me. Yes he’s cheated and that’s awful but the fact he’s snogged a man would make it a million times worse. Absolutely I would end the marriage over it.

No way was it just a kiss. Two bi or gay blokes who fancy each other getting sweaty in the gym every week and they don’t shag. He’s moody and angry because he’s been having an affair.

Sling the cheating fucker out and get an STI test. He will never be trustworthy.

So he's bi. Except that he's stepped over the line. The one where you're supposed to be together and being monogamous....

There's more to his relationship with his "mate" than he's letting on. Just kissing? I wouldn't be too sure.

Whatever, he needs to be honest with you. And you need to consider life with a man that you can't really trust any longer.

Your Husband is having an affair. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. Stop the TTC immediately, and get an STI test. Hope to God you're not already pregnant, as some STIs can be very dangerous to foetuses. Why stay with someone who is admitting cheating? Run while you aren't further chained down by another child.

Of course I wouldn’t pass it off and nor should you!

Your husband is gay or bi.

Either way, he’s cheated on you multiple times with the same person.

This is massively disrespectful to your marriage.

Stop trying to conceive and start thinking about leaving.

There are 3 people in your marriage @Alitea

Straight men don’t kiss/snog other blokes. Faithful husbands don’t kiss others on nights out.

Your DH and his BF are making a fool out of you.

This sounds like it is the end of your marriage. l am sorry to say OP . You need to get all your ducks in a row .
I am so sorry.

I wouldn’t be ok with him kissing a woman mate, not in a million years, and I’ve said that to him. He just keeps saying it’s not the same and it was all just messing about while drunk. He reckons all the kisses were in front of their other mates, not some secret thing, which apparently makes it “not serious” and “just laddish”.

But it doesn’t feel that way to me. It’s not just a one-off and the fact it happened on his stag do… I dunno, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’ve been tempted to speak to his friend tbh. Maybe he’ll be more honest or open than DH has been. Just to get a sense of if there is more to it or not. But I’ve got no idea how I’d even start that conversation. It doesn’t feel like something I can just text him about, and I never see him without DH there so I wouldn’t know how to bring it up.

I feel like DH is downplaying everything and I’m just being left to sit with it all. It’s doing my head in.

It matters that he's kissing other people.
It matters that it's a man.
It matters that he's carrying on hanging out with this 'friend' who is wrecking his marriage.
It all matters.
It's not nothing.

He’s a cheat, you deserve better. That’s all there is to it.

The level of disrespect is of the chart.

From both of them. Your husband is not straight.

Also what happened that suddenly he couldn't cope with it? If they have kissed several times while drunk what suddenly changed that now it's a problem.

The fact he has told you no he is keeping him as a friend would be the end of my marriage.

I think your probably in a huge amount of shock but when this settles in its going to so challenging.

And there will be additional layer of secrecy now that he won't want you to discuss with people for support for you because of his sexuality.

Your priority now is you and your child. Not him. So consider getting support outside of you.

Your husband is attracted to his friend - probably always has been but is in denial about who he is . Probably thought getting married and having a child would make it go away .

Once is a bit of fun, a joke, more than once, someone is dropping their inhibitions when they are drunk and that sounds like your husband. I suspect he is confused, otherwise why would he tell you, why would he allow it to effect him so much that it affects his mood and he told you.

Your husband could be bi too. But if he was happy in his relationship with you, he wouldn't need to go this route. When you are in a relationship, you should be loyal if you are happy, so occasionally kissing a.n other person, whether the same sex or not, is just not acceptable.

If it was a woman, you wouldn't tolerate him continuing a relationship with her, so why is the fact its a man any different?

He is probably confused but he needs to be accountable for his actions. But please understand here that he maybe in denial about what he is doing, so it isn't that he is lying to you...he is lying to himself.

put your plans on hold for another baby until you get to the bottom of this,