Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

They’ve been friends since uni so about 10 years now. I’ve been with DH for 6. They’ve always been close, same group of mates and stuff. Usually go to the pub together with a few others maybe once a month, sometimes not for a couple of months depending what’s going on. They go gym every Saturday just the two of them – always have – and tbh I’ve never thought anything of it. Never felt weird about it before this.

I haven’t noticed them seeing each other more recently, it’s not been anything different than usual.

I’m honestly still trying to process it all. The idea of stopping TTC is a gut punch but I know a few of you are probably right. Doesn’t feel like a solid place to be adding a baby into.

I don’t know what to do next. Just feel really thrown and a bit stupid.

I too would worry that he’s minimising his relationship with his best friend and actually things had gone further.

Straight men don't kiss other men, regardless if that man is a friend or is drunk, it's that simple. A bi-sexual man or a bi-curious man, very well might kiss a male friend. I would say that your husband is bi-curious at the very least, and at the worst is actually gay. You need a serious and honest conversation with him. He needs to be honest with you regarding his sexuality. He might say he's 100% straight, but that's simply not true or blame the alcohol. Plenty of straight men drink alcohol but they don't kiss other men, so that's rubbish. The alcohol has lowered his inhibitions, and he's done something he would never have the guts to do sober. He's clearly attracted to men, and must find his friend attractive enough to kiss him. You need answers. Don't try for another baby with him, until he's been honest and you know where you stand. Only you know if you could continue in a relationship with a man who's bi-sexual.

Your husband is gay, bi at best, and wants to have children without all the faff of a surrogate.

And bollocks has it only ever been repeated kisses. So they just passionately snog seshed out and then... stopped?

It's your choice to live with this or not, but you must know that if you accept this, he will probably leave you for his 'best friend' in a few years.

Like anything that unexpectedly surfaces in a relationship, I would bet money you are only getting the bare minimum information.

There is a lot for you to unpick but for me this would be too damaging. Your dh is playing away from home, to what extent you don’t know, but he’s being disloyal, disrespectful and untrustworthy in this marriage regardless.

Your husband is gay and is laughing at you behind your back for being a fool/blind effectively, sorry to say. The whole thing is repulsive.
If you're cool with that, then continue the status quo; otherwise leave him to his 'new life' and start divorce proceedings.

A friend does not try to ruin a friends marriage. He’s no friend to you, and he’s not much of a friend to your husband either

Oh no OP, I think that a man just happening to kiss another man is probably even more unlikely than women as they're usually if not gay/bi absolutely repulsed by the idea.

I think you do need to stop TTC and probably reconsider the whole relationship as it may well not have stopped at 'just a kiss.' If he was repeatedly kissing another woman, what would you think then?

I don’t think it matters whether he’s cheated with a man or a woman, it’s his closeness to the person that’s the make or break.
cheating might be something you decide you can work through - but is he willing to cut all contact with his friend? I cannot see a chance of this working if he’s off out to the gym and pub with him whenever he fancies. Surely no one could expect you to trust them together anymore.

They’ve been hiding in plain sight

I’m afraid this would be a deal breaker for me. I agree he is at least bisexual and that is not going to go away. Shore up your contraception and as horrible as it is, forget a second baby with this man. I can’t see how you can avoid divorce unless you’re willing to live with this uncertainty and cheating. Because he is cheating! You deserve better 💐

Hi op. You're just beginning to process this. Give yourself time and I agree with the previous posters that you absolutely must have complete honesty from him. Only then, can you begin to forwards and work out what happens long term.

Hope there's someone you can speak to in RL.

Given the OP has a sex life with her husband (I assume from the TTC) I would assume he is gay, not bi.

And there is nothing wrong with a woman being in a relationship with a bisexual man.

The issue here is that he is kissing his mate - not that he is bisexual in and of itself.

I think what would be worrying me most is your DH being off and his behaviour has changed. If it was just some silly drunken kisses that happened when they were drunk and didn't mean anything then why would it be effecting his mood etc? There's something going on either emotionally or physically or probably both.

The gender is a red herring, kissing someone else multiple times when you are married is not “drunken nonsense” it’s repeated cheating.

He’s cheated on you. Don’t let him spin it any other way.

Yeah I get what you’re all saying and I think that’s what’s really hitting me – it’s not even who it was with, it’s how close they are.

I asked him if he’d stop seeing him and he’s basically said no. Said it would be “silly” and that it didn’t mean anything, just a quick kiss, nothing full on. Keeps going on like it’s not a big deal. But they kissed on his stag do. That’s meant to be about us, and he was off kissing his mate.

He’s our toddler’s godfather too. It’s just a head mess.

I can’t imagine it was just a kiss. You may wish to consider getting tested for STIs

Your DH has kissed this man a few times?

I’d be very concerned that there were stronger feelings between them.

He's no friend. I'd be putting that boundary in place first. I wouldn't have him around me/my child/in my house.

As for your dh, well that's not as simple, is it? But the fact he won't entertain not seeing him would piss me off. He's walking all over your feelings isn't he? And it seems like his priority is woth his 'friend' which is all wrong, isn't it? He should be doing everything he can to get your trust back. And it's quite telling that he's not.

You got any real-life support?

I think you have to decide for yourself - is kissing someone else outside your marriage okay or not? If it's not okay with you (and I imagine it's not for most people!) then you need to make it clear. He has cheated on you and he doesn't get to minimise that and act as though you're in the wrong for being upset about it.

Is it just kissing, OP?

My DH has had a couple of gay friends trying to kiss him in the past, he told me about it without embarrassment.
I can't say that I was happy about it at the time because I think the friend(s) stepped over a line. But DH didn't feel it was important, their friendship could survive. And it has, TBH. It only happened after much drink had been taken.
DH says he defused the situation - turned away, pretended not to understand or just said he wasn't interested.
I think in one instance at least it said more about that particular person - his attitude was 'all the world and its wife are gay, even if they don't know it yet.'

So that man tended to try it on. Just like some straight men try it on with lots of women.

Why has he told you if it's nothing? It sounds like he feels conflicted about his sexuality and is looking to you for guidance?

Op have the ‘kisses’ been infront of their other mates, or in secret when /after they’ve been out and it’s just the two of them? Who else knows?
He is desperately minimising, possibly because he hasn’t admitted to himself what’s going on. You can’t move forward unless he’s completely honest with himself and you about his feelings - you don’t kiss your ‘mate’ more than once, regardless of gender unless you are either curious or have feelings.

The minimising and the refusal to stop seeing him is a massive deal breaker for me, even if I thought I could forgive the kiss.