Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

My husband and I have a number of male gay friends over the years. Including my close pal, and a friend years ago who turned into a lodger.

The latter was a shy guy, and my husband used to bring him to the occasional gay club so he would hopefully meet someone.

Never in a million years would anything the OP has described have either happened, or been texted about.

“Lads”, straight ones anyway, absolutely do not engage in same-same sexual banter with each other. The idea is bloody ridiculous.

OP, your husband is gay or bi, and far more has happened than he is saying.

And he’s only admitting the minimum now because he was seen.

I’m sorry.

He won't mind saying all that to his mate in front of you and telling him to fuck off out of his life for good then in that case.

You’re saying he’s been off the last few weeks and he’s admitted it’s cos he kissed him on a stag do in January.

if he regularly kisses him and it means nothing. At all, just jokey banter, why would it suddenly bother him this much to the extent you pick up on it and he confesses.

the only difference is that he’s been caught and the other lady is pressuring him to tell you. Otherwise why is he suddenly now guilty for something that’s been happening regularly (and much more intimate stuff) for the last 10 years??

OP I think you need to leave him as there is no way that something more hasn't happened between them. And he is obviously not going to admit it or give up their relationship, so you have your answer

This is my feeling too and it’s sad but I guess we all make our own decisions. Who knows, maybe OP will wake up to the full gravity of this sooner rather than later. I suspect she’s in shock and is still processing it?

A pp mentioned her partner lacks intelligence. I’m not sure if it’s that he’s stupid or that he takes Op for a fool, because everything he is saying is so outlandish. How can he expect anyone to accept this?

“Oh yeah I just kissed my bestie - who happens to be a guy - as a joke while married to you but it’s no big deal. It did happen on multiple times and it was just a joke but it did bother someone so much she wanted to tell you . Which is why I’m finally disclosing it to you. And also yeah he did suck my dick and give me handjobs in the past as well. Never mind - off to the gym with said bestie. And no of course we’re still not having sex.”

Honestly, he has zero respect for himself, his friend or OP.

I'm really cross that the OP's husband had this best friend be Godfather to their child.

Imagine the roles were reversed, and this was an old beau of the OP, that she'd had sex with when younger, still exchanged "saucy" texts with, met up with for a hobby every Saturday, would snog on nights out with mutual mates while her DH stayed home with the kid ..... That the old beau was clearly in love with her and would regard her DH as the interloper in their relationship ...

It's shocking this bloke is still in their lives, in their family. OP, is your DH flattered by the attention? I get that a week ago, less in fact, you had a family with a DH that you loved. It's dramatically different this week.

I think you might want to give yourself some time to get your head around all this, but I couldn't get over the years of deception, that his friends knew, that this other man, your DH's best friend, seems to regard you as the enemy / competition for your DH's affections. And more so that your DH is trying to downplay his behaviour.

@Alitea you are the only person on this thread who actually knows your DH, and has seen first hand his response to this situation. It's very easy for posters to read what you've written and tell you "LTB!" or "He's gay!", but none of us is married to him, you are.

You've been together long enough that these revelations are either a total shock, or are clarifying underlying feelings you may not have even given thought to. Either way, I would certainly not be rushing into making any snap decisions when it seems like emotions are still running (understandably) high, and it doesn't appear that your DH has been able to discuss the matter calmly, and with the honestly you deserve.

It may be that your marriage is over, or it may be that your DH really isn't bi/gay, and was just messing around drunkenly, and you'll be able to move past it. Whatever is going to happen next, I would take some time and space for yourself. If your DH won't leave for a few days, are you able to stop in a hotel or with a friend for a couple of nights? It could help take the heat out of the situation and give you time to really think through what you want this to mean for your marriage?

it may be that your DH really isn't bi/gay, and was just messing around drunkenly

The drunken messing around is re the kissing. The bi/gay stuff is driven by the husband receiving hand jobs and/or blowjobs from his gay best friend while they were at Uni , when both single and bored.
Or I imagine single and horny would be a better description.

Straight guys don't do that.
Unless they subscribe to the whole, it's only Gay if you receive and not if you give, idea. As espoused by "straight" male on male rapists.
Or "straight" male partners that like to hookup with Gay men on the "down-lo" (sp?).

I would like to know the timeline.

Stag do and drunken kiss in January.

Husband started behaving off in ?April?

When did best buddy realise you two were trying to conceive?
When did best buddy nip off for hook up in middle of party?

I reckon husband's been playing both sides and his house of cards is tumbling now. Best buddy has discovered he is gay fuck buddy but will never be public partner. Wife has discovered the gay fuck buddy and she holds the cards re public and family image.

Husband is going to implode soon.

Sorry but this is absurd. Of course he’s gay/bi. Not only is he not straight, he’s possibly in love with this friend or at least hooked on him.

He sucked a man’s dick, gave handjobs and kissed said man multiple times and is now insisting he continues their friendship even when his marriage is in danger. Is straight /not gay in the room with us?

Even if we lose our brain cells and go with the ridiculous notion that he’s a straight man who sucks dick and kisses men, he still cheated on her and has been highly deceptive,. He is also gaslighting her and refusing to stop the weekly gym visits with the man he’s cheated on her with. Complete arrogance and lack of care for his wife.

He’s invited this man into their family life under the pretence of their relationship just being platonic , while this same man he’s had sexual relations with makes digs about OP. Don’t you see how humiliating that is for Op?

The Op being so close her husband is likely to have more clouded judgement if anything, since he’s deceived her for so long and is now gaslighting her. Many posters here in including me were certain he had done more than kiss even before Op found out and updated the thread. We may not know THIS man but we’ve all know cheats and/or men on the downlow and they operate in similar ways.

People who don’t know her husband, like us on this thread are actually in a good position to look at the facts calmly and coolly without having our minds played with like he’s doing to her.

How are you doing @Alitea I know it’s a lot to take in

def meet up with the girl and see what she says

bur I think you know deep down that your husband isn’t to be trusted and likes men

only you can decide if you can Tolerate that behaviour

Agree 100%. She has little experience of this particular dynamic. She knows the man, but not the pattern. Those of us who have seen the pattern recognise it, though we don't know this particular man.

I'm tipping it goes like this.

-Before wedding sometime, husband tells best buddy he has to marry but really loves best buddy.
-Stag do and drunken kiss in January.
-Best buddy realises couple are trying to conceive ie husband clearly not intending to leave wife and family.
-Best buddy nips off for hook up in middle of party ie husband is given a shot across the bow.
-Something happened here? A big blow up? Threats?
-Husband started behaving off in April.

I had written a long post about going through this, contrasting my saintly ex-husband with your goatish DH, but really about how it should be done properly. It was balanced and looked at both sides.

Screw that. Your DH is manipulating you and gaslighting you. What he is downplaying is totally undefendable - he absolutely knows this, but he needs the cover of your and the child. He is battling to make you think you are overreacting. And let me tell you this - only narcissists gaslight. Where there is gaslighting, there is narcissism. They are inextricably linked.

So he is having his cake and eating it, just so that he doesn't have to admit to his judgemental parents what he is. You are his cover - his beard - and what will he do if you bring this out into the open?

You must take legal advice immediately. If he is flat refusing to go, you are potentially approaching some genuine danger. This dual existence has been going on for years and it is now starting to crumble, and he is desperately trying to normalise what's gone on to you. And if you now know about some of the expanded details, I'm telling you that isn't all. What you suspect is most likely true.

I don't know if you know about the case of Jessica Patel in Middlesborough in 2018. Gay men who think they need cover to hide from their families can resort to desperate measures. Please seek advice.

He sucked a man’s dick, gave handjobs and kissed said man multiple times and is now insisting he continues their friendship even when his marriage is in danger. Is straight /not gay in the room with us?
That's not what the OP has said her DH has confessed to.

What a thing to split hairs over.

Okay I think Op said he confessed to : letting a man suck his dick, letting a man give him a hand job and kissing said man. And again - insisting on carrying on the friendship gym visits/etc

tomayto tomahto!

He’s obviously drip feeding the truth but in any case both scenarios describe him being involved in gay sexual acts.

And let’s not forget, Op also saw text messages from said friend saying he misses her partners mouth on him.

She has little experience of this particular dynamic. She knows the man, but not the pattern. Those of us who have seen the pattern recognise it, though we don't know this particular man.

Exactly, it’s a tale as old as time sadly.

A neighbour's husband walked out on her and her three children. He lined up the children and told them it was time for them to look after themselves (!) and bleated that he'd "never had a time to dance".

Yes, he left for another man.

He may have only confessed to receiving blowjobs and not to giving them, but OP found a text from the best friend saying “I miss your mouth on me”. Also said he missed him being in his bed. Pretty sure it’s all happening and more.

OP, have you left him yet? You're wasting time. Your time.

OP hasn’t been back. Let’s hope it’s because she’s now getting support from friends and family.

This. Him mentioning that no one makes DH sweat like he does and then OP stating that when he comes home form the gym he is sweaty....

It resembles a duck in every respect and for good reason.

He has lied about who and what he is.

He said they both did what they needed to "to get off".

Specifically
"Last night we ended up having another talk and it got heavier than I expected. I asked directly if anything else had ever happened between them and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back – apparently it was just “getting each other off” when they were single and bored, no romantic feelings, just what they “needed to do”.

So he said he never touched him back but also no romantic feelings, just what they “needed to do”.
He can't even lie with consistency.

Your husband and his friend are gay. He says to you bisexual because he hasn't been able to admit it but he is gay. I daresay he didn't want to be gay and hoped being married would put paid to that, many have done the same, but it hasn't.

It is an awful shock to you because you realise you have been a front all this time. You're not alone there. It's sad that it still happens in this century when it is so much easier for gay people to be their true selves but there it is.

I have no doubt he has loved you, probably still does, and his children, but the betrayal is awful for you.

I do believe in time you will heal and come to terms with nice, right now it's raw and you need to take good care of yourself. As is so often said, get your ducks in a row and end your marriage. It will be the best thing for all concerned.

In time you will move on but take one day at a time.

Because she’s hidden the thread I imagine. She’ll be nearing 40 by the time he leaves her, with another kid or two to cope with. Scum