Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

You’re not “totally straight”.

I had a lesbian come on to me when was I was drunk. I couldn’t run away fast enough.

Please tell me you are going to leave this man, OP. I know you say it's not easy but the way he has treated you and disregarded your feelings is awful. You (and your child) deserve better. The fact his "best mate" is your child's godfather too - talk about adding insult to injury.

I think there's a distinction to be made between 'men kissing, ew, disgusting' which is homophobic, and and people saying 'I couldn't kiss someone of the same sex, I'd find it disgusting'. The first condemns it as a whole for everyone, therefore homophobic. The second is about someone's personal feeling and orientation - you might not like the language used but it is different - and that's what people have been posting.

And regardless of any of this or the gender of any parties involved, OP should bin her treacherous, unfaithful husband.

Yeah, agreed. No-one’s regularly snogging people of the same sex if they’re “totally straight”. Maybe once when you’re young to see what it’s like, but not like a regular thing every time you get drunk.

Also it’s a v weird take to say you’d be upset if it was another woman but it’s fine because it’s a man - horribly downplaying what the OP is going through. And to recommend she keeps trying for a baby while this is going on?!!

I am so baffled that he's told you all this , went to sleep last night as normal and has then been to gym with him this morning !

there is no way on earth I could stay this relationship

Doesn’t he consider being given a blows job by his friend a sexual act ? (He wasnt forced.)
oh but wait, he’ll say that was before he met you so it dirsnt count.
As for his “trad” family, he probably didnt want to face their disappointment/disaproval. So planned to hide his bi/homo tendency for life. Except he cant can he …?
His family probably know their son’s friendship was unsettlingly “close”

He refused to leave. Said “I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going anywhere”.
The fucking nerve of him. He doesn't think that (repeatedly) kissing someone else when you're married is doing anything wrong? Let alone the deceit about the full nature of the relationship prior to your marriage.

He's a deluded, gaslighting liar.
@Alitea, please point out to him, very calmly, that he has been cheating on you and that you find it unacceptable and unforgivable - because you do, right?

I hope you find the strength to also tell him that he will be hearing from your solicitor.

@Alitea His family are quite traditional.

That explains quite a lot, to be honest.

Next week:

Make an appointment with a solicitor
Set up a solo bank account that he cannot access
Ensure he cannot unlock your phone or access your e-mails
Recruit an 'ally' - a friend to support you through this
And remember to only share things with him that he needs to know

Your head must be spinning, OP. His latest outburst shows very clearly that he is definitely NOT heterosexual. PPs have covered most of it. I noticed these two as well:

• "called him ...not even good-looking."

Umm. So if friend WAS good-looking, H would have sex with him??

• "then brought up some night out we were all on when his mate left halfway through for a hookup, as if that proved something."

Why on earth would he bring this up? It sounds like H was jealous of friend fucking someone else.

We’ve got everything tied together - all our finances are joint, mortgage in both our names, shared bills. It’s not going to be as easy as just walking away. But I honestly don’t know how I stay in this now either

Gently, OP - this is the same for many if not most married couples and yet people seperate and divorce all the time. It’s not an impossible task but you’re right - it won’t be easy.

Sure it takes some time to disentangle your financial interests from one another and you’ll always share a child, so that side will still be there but otherwise yeah it can definitely be done.

There is no way for you to stay in this now, you’d be totally humiliated and degraded knowing he is still having sexual relations with a man he prioritises. At this point sorry to say but the marriage is a sham and that’s not your fault at all but it’s time to start making plans to leave. I’d also tell your family and close friends what’s going on.

Be careful about letting him know your plans. It’s better to blindside him and get out safely. You may think you know this man but really
He’s a practiced liar and has gone into selfish self-preservation mode, so expect the unexpected.

He sounds like he’s gone on the attack. Slagging his friend off as a means to shut you up. The so called bantz he has with his mate is not normal banter. He knows his best friend is into him. The fact that he can’t seem to see how upsetting this is for you is worrying. He’s experimented with a man/maybe men and maybe due to internalised homophobia, his family, decided setting up a life with a woman was the best thing to do.

You’re 28. You can start again. His lack of respect for you and your marriage is very evident.

He refused to leave. Said “I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going anywhere”

So it'll be fine for you to tell people you're ending the marriage because of him kissing this guy, and their previous sexual relationship, won't it? If he's done nothing wrong, why would he want it to stay a secret?

He thinks you'll be intimidated into shutting up, keeping his secret and letting him carry on. Don't be. Most men would tell you this is not just standard 'lad' behaviour at all.

Work out where you can go to start with. Your parents' house? A friend's? Plan your exit, book a day off work and move things when he's not there, then tell him. Move half the money out of your joint account. He's not on your side anymore. Don't behave as if he is.

You're either on the troll or you've got some very odd friends. I've never felt inclined to jokingly kiss my female or male friends, even when extremely drunk. I've never seen anyone do this either. The only men I know who did it, left their wives.

He said his mate is “always sexualising himself” and acts like a joke, then brought up some night out we were all on when his mate left halfway through for a hookup, as if that proved something. Then said “I actually feel sorry for him”.

And yet he lets him suck his cock and kisses him at every (supposedly 'drunken') opportunity??!!

He's taking you for a fool, OP. An being a manipulative shit for good measure.

I'd be leaving and telling him you won't be lying for him when people ask why. He'll soon fuck off then!

Talk about having your cake and eating it.

I think you're in shock, OP, and clutching at straws so life as you know it can continue.

You might be better off contacting that woman who saw them together so you can know exactly what it was your husband was afraid of you hearing. No doubt he's only told you half the truth about what he's currently doing with the other man.

He is so nasty, holy shit. Get legal advice and get planning. He really just showed you who he is.

What you are describing isn't normal for the majority of people. Sounds a bit like an 'understanding' between you two as you both do it and have agreed on it being okay. Its not normal for OP though and she has a right to be upset.

It's not going to be easy leaving, no, it never is, but it will be a lot easier than putting up with this forever, surely? He's making a complete mug of you. You've had a massive shock so it will all seem impossible right now, you have the choice of when to leave and there is no rush, but sooner or later you will. As he can't even see what the problem is here. None of it is normal and he is deluding himself if he thinks it is. Not normal for a married man, not normal for a heterosexual man. If his lover is the hook up type he could have exposed you to STIs, M Pox, all kinds of stuff as well.
You could start by discreetly separating some finances, start a leaving fund, have a think about where you might move to, if you have to, and how you would do that. Start to get your head around it and try to find some real life support.

Why does everyone keep saying she should leave? He cheated, surely he is the one who should move out, at least until they work out the longer term plan re the house. I’m sure he could find a sofa to kip on with a friend or family member, but that is not something she should have to go through with a young child who needs stability, especially when she has done nothing wrong.

I agree, this so often seems to be the response.

I would do the same as a friend did many years ago and put his belongings in plastic sacks on the doorstep and tell him to go a stay with his lover.

She said he was refusing to leave because, according to him, he's 'done nothing wrong'

DELUSION LEVEL - FINAL BOSS.

He refused to leave. Said “I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going anywhere”.

He needs to leave.

STOP KEEPING HIS SECRET
START TELLING PEOPLE

Very honestly you should phone his parents tell them you need them to come collect him NOW and take him to their house. He needs to stay with them for the foresable and tell them exactly why he needs to move out.
He's shagging his best mate and cheated on throughout your marriage and is pretending its isnt a big deal.

Then call your parents and siblings and tell them everything.

You need to start separating and get yourself into therapy.

He hasn’t done anything wrong? If that’s the case I’m presuming he’s told his friends and family about what he’s been up to with his best friend in their nights out etc.

Tell your parents and his and your families and friends. Get a solicitor and tell him to leave. He is cheating on you and putting you into the worst denial. He has no remorse for hurting you and is spinning tails to deflect blame. He sounds like he has no soul at all. Turing on his friend is disgusting as well seeing as he is using him as his sex toy to cheat on you. You do not want to stay with this man. If he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong then tell him to call his parents and tell them when he was in uni his bff gave him blowjobs and handjobs. And that they still kiss and cuddle on nights out. If it isn't a big deal then he should have no problem telling people the truth.

Also the fact that you think his family pressured him to marry is a huge red flag. He was probably with both of you at the time and still is. This isn't lads behavior but just flat out cheating. So what if he is straight, bi or gay, he is a fucking cheater. Anyone can be monogamous or a cheater no matter what their sexual orientation is. There is no excuse for it. He is really horrible OP. Please get out now. You are too young for this and deserve a better partner in life.

He’s done nothing wrong? Ok then, he won’t be bothered when you tell his parents/your friends/your parents? He is deluded and awful. Tell other people, get some real life support.