Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Agreed, tell his parents.

And before he gets a chance to play it down to them make it clear that he has himself graphically described their sexual acts relationship at university, that you have seen text messages that clearly show it has continued ever since, and that the only reason he has owned up to any of it is because it was witnessed and the witness threatened to inform you.

Say you are in shock and you need him out of the house while you process it, and you would be really grateful if they could arrange for him to stay with them for a while.

I’d be telling him to leave or I’ll tell his parents. Get a STI and a see a solicitor asap!!

Start by separating your finances. I’d open a separate account, and get my salaryn and child benefit moved over to it. Transfer an agreed amount to the joint account to cover bills before you can completely separate. Move half the savings into a new savings account in your name.

He is bi and in deep denial. Straight men do not talk like this or do stuff like this. You need to tell your parents and his. A friend of a friend was in a situation like this, but he eventually admitted it straight after the birth of their second child and left her. He turned very nasty. She realised that he used her to have children.

And before he gets a chance to play it down to them make it clear that he has himself graphically described their sexual acts relationship at university, that you have seen text messages that clearly show it has continued ever since, and that the only reason he has owned up to any of it is because it was witnessed and the witness threatened to inform you.

This is EXACTLY what you need to tell his parents.

And fast, or the spin will start.

Does your husband think that because he didn't take all his own clothes off or 'insert' any of his body parts into his male friend that it isn't cheating or an indication of his sexual leanings? It's reminiscent of Clinton's assertions that he' didn't have any sexual relations' because he didn't have full intercourse.

In reality it doesn't really matter if he is gay or not....the other person is someone who he is continuing to kiss and whatever else, continues to see, prioritises over you and only under threat from being outed has he actually come clean....man or woman this is cheating. The other person is also uninhibited about offering themselves to him on a platter . Please don't let the 'gay' aspect of this blur any relationship boundaries that you have for yourself, by your husband who is trying his level best to trivialise it.

I can’t believe he actually still went to the gym with him! That is so disrespectful given what has just come to light, he has actually shown you where his loyalties lie. Straight men do NOT kiss other men and the way they talk is not laddish so don’t let him get in your head to believe that to be true, it’s not.

And before he gets a chance to play it down to them make it clear that he has himself graphically described their sexual acts relationship at university, that you have seen text messages that clearly show it has continued ever since, and that the only reason he has owned up to any of it is because it was witnessed and the witness threatened to inform you.

And yes. Def do this...

Of course, he headed to the gym urgently; he needed to confide in his mate/lover that the game was up, plus to get each of their stories straight!!

You get a solicitor to do all the legal stuff. Your husband is a nasty piece of work as well as a cheat. He's been using this other man, to get sexual satisfaction, and now he's slagging him off. You'll be next. Leave. It's your only option if you don't want your self worth eroded away.

Refuses to leave. Hadn’t done anything wrong

his mate has sucked his cock

that is wrong as he is with you

it hasn’t happened once /a mistake/ / drunken fumble

it’s happened many times

there is no way you can stay in this marriage @Alitea

you know thur. You can’t come back from what has happened as dh isn’t taking you seriously

be honest with people. His family. Friends

say why you have split. You will get support

it’s not you want to shame dh but he feels there is no issue. Hes done nothing wrong

he has. As with you

he can be bi. Gay. Straight.

but be honest

and he no one wants their marriage to fail and end. I didn’t last year but over a year on I’m happier as is dd so I know I’ve done the right thing

I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents had been suspicious and that’s why they encouraged him to marry you.

why do you think he’s never had a serious relationship since you’ve known him?”

because he has been in a relationship with your husband since you have known him. Your husband is just so in denial he doesn’t see it. He has an emotional connection with him and they give each other oral sex and kiss on nights out. No wonder his friend can’t move on.

SNITCH. NOW.

TELL YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS

TELL HIS FAMILY

TELL HIS MATES

GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW.

OR IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

@Alitea So he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong- that’s says all you need to know. He’s basically confirming that if the woman hadn’t caught the kiss, he would (will) continue his relationship with this man.?
I don’t think you need to know anymore than what you do already - what you do need to do is start thinking how you remove yourself from the marriage, I do think that you need real life support, reach out to your friends / family.

Oh, my love... I'm so sorry. At best he is stringing his best mate along while being married to you - which is abysmal. At worse he's sleeping with you both. I am so so sorry.

You need to find out what this girl saw, and consequently knows. She obviously has discussed it with her boyfriend, bet he knows some stuff too and he’ll have filled her in.

Its a cheaters classic,straight out of the Cheater’s hand book; slagging off the OW or OM, its all part of trying to cover their tracks.

(very sorry, wrong thread)

Oh Op, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, your post really got to me.

The fact is that he’s cheated on you. He’s broken your trust. Whether it’s with a boy or a girl, he’s been making out with someone, not just once, but multiple times, and with someone he already has a sexual history with. The text messages between them aren’t pleasent either. Maybe, taken alone, they could be brushed off as banter… but when you take the full picture into account, I completely understand why it feels impossible to ignore.

You deserve to feel safe, happy, and secure in your relationship. You deserve to trust the person you’re with. Once the shock begins to settle, ask yourself, can you truly picture yourself feeling happy again in this relationship?

I say this as a single mum. I had to start over with absolutely nothing, no money, no home, one child and another on the way. I never thought my life would move forward, but it did. Yours will too. It might not look how you once imagined, and you might have less stuff… but you’ll have your peace. You won’t be spending your life with someone who betrayed you so easily.

You untie it like every other poor bugger that finds out shit like this. Go to a good solicitor (ideally recommended to you) and get the ball rolling.

Stop talking to him about it. You won't get anywhere and it won't change a thing.

He's in total denial and there's no way they haven't had sex. The sweaty comment proves that.

Gather all important papers and let the solicitor sort it. That's what you pay them for. You can't live in what is a clear threesome if it has come as a surprise to you.

This was what I thought too

Well know you know that being seen as a heterosexual family man is really, really, important to him. More important than being authentic with respect to his sexuality. Bit you also have learned that he is a user who casually uses even his best mate for sport sex while being happy to throw him under the bus to keep you tied to him.

Go see a solicitor and understand your options when you are ready. I would suggest the winning move is to refuse to argue with him about who had sex with whom. Just say “I want out. This marriage doesn’t work for me anymore. I will keep your secret, within reason, if the split is amicable. I will go scorched earth if I have to.”

On the plus side, you've seen exactly what a nasty, manipulative bugger he is. He's washed his hands of all responsibility and thrown his supposedly best friend under the bus. If he can so carelessly speak so nastily about him, I'm pretty certain he can or has done the same about you. I'm so sorry - the more and more you find out and describe, the worse he is coming across.

You deserve so much better. It's going to be hard, but you WILL get through this and can live a very happy life without him. I (like many others) are so angry on your behalf. Sending a huge hug x

It sounds like your husband is truly gay but has internalised homophobia and married because he felt 'pressured' by his parents and thought it was the 'right' thing to do, and he wanted children.

What are his parents/siblings like? Are they accepting of gays or do they have homophobic attitudes?

EDIT: Sorry, just saw you answered this in your next post.

So it seems his parents pressured him into getting married. And he knew they'd never accept him if he came out as gay. This is really sad. He is a gay man who could not withstand his parents judgement and rejection of him. Sadly you are the innocent one who got hurt in all this.

Tell him if he doesn't leave, you will send the screenshots to his parents.

That will get him fleeing the house.

Oh, and email the screenshots to a secondary obscure email account, in case he takes your phone and deletes your screenshots or damages your phone. Do it before giving him the ultimatum, in case he wrestles it from you.