Found out DH kissed his best mate while drunk

[Alitea]

Feeling a bit wobbly so just posting to get this out and see what others think.

DH has been really off the past few weeks – short tempered, snappy over nothing, just not himself. I thought maybe work stress or he was tired (we’ve got a toddler and been TTC for a few months now), but it’s been bubbling under for a bit.

Last night I asked him straight out what was going on and he ended up admitting he’s kissed his best mate. Not once but a few times. Said it’s only ever been when they were drunk, but one of those times was on his stag do back in Jan, which I knew nothing about.

His best mate is bi and they’re very close. Always chatting privately, loads of inside jokes, texting each other constantly. He always makes little comments when we’re all together – stuff like “don’t be jealous” or joking about stealing DH away. I’ve always seen it as harmless banter and never thought anything of it.

DH says it’s just been silly, drunken stuff, never serious, doesn’t mean anything, nothing more than a kiss. But I feel completely thrown.

I wouldn’t be ok if he was kissing a woman mate while drunk, so why should this be any different? What’s rattling me most is that it’s happened more than once and I only know now cos I pushed. He’s clearly been carrying this and acting weird for weeks.

We’re trying for another baby and I’m sat here wondering what the hell is going on in my marriage. I feel a bit humiliated tbh.

Would this be a massive deal for you or would you let it go as drunk nonsense? I genuinely don’t know how to feel right now.

Did you take copies of texts as evidence as he will try to make out you are delusional

If he’s such a sad, pathetic loser, why did he want him as a godparent to your child? I can’t believe the friend agreed to it either, - whilst secretly hating you ( and he does by the way, please know that) and lusting after your husband and hoping to wreck his ‘godsons’ family.
Pair of absolute cunts.

That is some strongly internalised homophobia.

His mate touched him but he didn't touch his mate but they just did what they needed to do to get off (in Uni). So his mate was getting him off but he didn't reciprocate somehow?
And now drunken kisses on repeat?
I reckon his behaviour started to get funny after they had a full on sexual encounter. He's got into a marriage with you while holding a torch for his mate while being unable to face the fact he wanted to marry him and not you.
I'm really sorry, but that's how I see it. I hope for your sake I'm wrong.

Agree He is bi and in deep denial. Straight men do not talk like this or do stuff like this. You need to tell your parents and his.

Women who find out after decades of being married that their husband is a closeted gay guy struggle to get their heads right. Realising that for years you've been the beard and didn't know it, that the closest intimate relationship has been built on a massive lie does your head in. There are books on the subject, and support groups for survivors.
He is trickle truthing you, first it's 'oh we've kissed a few times lately', then 'oh we were fuck buddies in Uni', any day now it'll be 'yes we've started an affair recently' - inside a month it'll be 'we're in love, we can't help it, sorry'.

And he knew they'd never accept him if he came out as gay. This is really sad. He is a gay man who could not withstand his parents judgement and rejection of him.

@MeTooOverHere

There’s a lot of assumptions being made here about that. You don’t actually know that about his parents, all Op said was they’re quite traditional and wanted them to be married before having kids. But that’s in the context of they probably assumed he was straight since he was with @Alitea and had a child, so they didn’t think it was a big ask of him to marry his female partner/mother of child.

That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have been accepted if he had come out as gay. I know plenty of quite “proper” parents who expect their kids to be married first etc but also wouldn’t reject their kids if they came out as gay.

What is clear is he couldn’t accept it though, because he is deluding himself if he thinks he straight because he (allegedly) “only” accepted a blow job.

Possibly plenty of teenagers fool about before they are sure about their sexual leanings.

If your husband is not attracted to the old mate then he needs to leave him well alone. He admitted that the mate might feel something towards him and it is cruel for your husband to continue the friendship; cruel on his mate and cruel on you.

DH needs to give his friend distance in the hope his mate can find someone who will commit to him.

DH also needs to listen and focus on your needs as a family.

Well that ship has sailed @user1492757084 have you not read all the updates?

Last night we ended up having another talk and it got heavier than I expected. I asked directly if anything else had ever happened between them and he admitted that back at uni, his mate gave him blowjobs and handjobs. Said it wasn’t a regular thing and that he never touched him back – apparently it was just “getting each other off” when they were single and bored, no romantic feelings, just what they “needed to do”.

He obviously is attracted to his mate and has engaged in oral sex with friend when younger and I don’t think it was when they were teenagers. I still think that would be quite unusual for a young straight teen to experiment by giving and receiving oral sex tbh. If it happened at uni they would’ve been 18-22. So adults albeit young adults.

Judging by the texts and their ritual of going to the gym together that he refused to give up and the fact they’ve been kissing recently, it’s very likely they are still having sexual relations.

Why are you tagging me in this? I never said any of that.

Sorry tagged the wrong person meant to tag @TooSquaretobehip

I just typed in @too then a list of usernames come up, and I hadn’t noticed that I mistakenly clicked on the wrong username from that list .

OP, so sorry you’re going through this, but please - get out of this marriage.

Bottom line is, he’s been unfaithful to you and the trust will be impossible to get back. In terms of his sexuality- a drunken snog at uni with a mate is one thing (though I will say, I know a few women who did this, but no men) - handjobs/blowjobs another thing entirely. As is, carrying on with any form of physical contact once you’ve built a whole life with someone else!

Aside - I’ve got a close friend whose husband I strongly suspect is gay. They’ve had 3 kids together and are now in their 50s. The marriage is limping along and my friend is very unhappy - she and the husband haven’t been intimate in several years now. Don’t become this. 28 is so young.

Sounds to me like his best buddy is getting sick of being the side piece and tried to make him jealous by going off to a hook up. I wonder if the best buddy has started making threats to tell you what's been going on and he's trying to derail that blackmail attempt by confessing?

If he talks like that about the best friend he couldn't possibly skip one gym session with, imagine how he talks about you to him.
He's never done anything to shut down the snide comments when you are there. I can only imagine he is making them when you are not. He's never told him that he genuinely chooses you and loves and respects you, because he doesn't. That's got to be such a difficult thing to learn/realise.

Sorry if it’s already been mentioned but did you manage to contact the girl who saw them on the night out ?

OMG this.

I'd be tempted to follow him/have him on one of these trips.

This.

He's doing the classic 'protesting too much', though why is unsure - whether to throw you off the scent or because he can't accept that he's attracted to this man only he can say.

If he really felt about this man the way he says he'd have knocked all/any flirting, kissing, joking on the head ages ago. He's prepared to be vile about someone he's been close to for years and is having sexual contact with to serve his own ends. He's not a decent man, and you need to anticipate he might turn on you too.

If you can contact this woman, do. Find out as much as you can.

If he hasn’t done anything wrong then he won’t mind you making it known amongst his and your family and friends.

That way you can get a wider opinion of whether you are overreacting like he’s claiming or if he’s simply gaslighting you because he’s a lying, cheating scumbag.

Alternatively, he can fuck off out of your home and you can start divorce proceedings. And once he’s gone you tell everyone exactly why. Because he’s getting blowjobs off his “mate”.

Why do I get the feeling that OP will just let all this blow over?

Yep. And in 12-15 years when she’s sacrificed god knows what and the kids are just about to embark on exams, uni and their own lives he fucks off to “find his true self” with some bloke because he “can’t live a lie anymore”

In reality he isn't doing right by either of you.
Stringing both of you along, camouflaging his preferences, using both of you, insulting both of you to the other, all to have the 'best of both worlds'. No wonder he was moody when he was under threat of being exposed to the rest of his world.
As to whether the op let's it blow over it's her choice, but it won't ever go away and when she comes to her senses you can only hope it will be sooner rather than later. Hopefully she hasn't lost her advantage of a surprise divorce so she and her child don't suffer as a result of her husbands selfish behaviour.

This is what I’m envisaging sadly.

OP, if you’re still here I hope you’re OK.

You can’t stay.

Your husband is having an affair in plain sight. And he’s gaslighting you. Don’t stand for it.

He’s gay or bi… but homophobic. This is why he got nasty and cruel about his ‘mate’.

But there is no doubt about it…he’s into men.. and he’s getting his kicks whilst crossing the line and betraying your marriage.

I agree with those who have said that this man is nasty and manipulative but on the plus side he's not very bright!
He has no strategy, doesn't appear to think anything through, instead doubles down on whatever version of events suits him in the moment.
It should be easy to out maneuver this twit

@Alitea, I hope you're doing ok. I know this must all feel like the end of the world and the end of your dreams.
You're 28. I assure you that if you take action now you can still have the most wonderful life with your little one and perhaps other little ones too!
You have got time to recover from this and shape the future you deserve.
It'll be hard for a bit but you will get through it.
Sending love.

I reckon his behaviour started to get funny after they had a full on sexual encounter. He's got into a marriage with you while holding a torch for his mate while being unable to face the fact he wanted to marry him and not you.
I'm really sorry, but that's how I see it. I hope for your sake I'm wrong.

I don't think you're wrong. The friend sent a text prior to Alitea's wedding that said "it should have been us" or something similar (can't remember verbatim). Then there's the so-called jokey remarks he's made to Altea like "you stole him from me" - many a true word said in jest, now clear it was the truth hiding in plain sight.