Partner asks me to cover up when I’m on my balcony

[Slettora]

my top floor flat has a balcony that is 2 floors up a big Victorian converted building (so quite high up). However it does overlook a fairly busy street. I got up this morning in my crop top and briefs because it’s hot and his son had already gone to school. He said if I’m going on the balcony can I put some shorts on. Weird because I’m essentially more covered up than someone would be in a bikini and it’s my balcony (?!). Anyway, he has also got upset if I’ve posted any stories on Instagram of me sunbathing with my cat on my balcony, suggesting I’m fishing for attention.

I had a fairly hippy upbringing and don’t really feel much need to cover up when it’s hot because a body is just a body and I’m also very flat chested with an ironing board body so I don’t feel sexy anyway. I’ve always dressed quite tomboy too, I don’t like attention I just like to be comfortable.

Is this is a bit controlling? I’m not sure how to feel about it. Maybe I should just respect his more conservative boundaries, I don’t know.

In a bra and knickers you're as covered up as in a bikini so that's fine for sunbathing I think. Black bra and knickers would probably just look like a bikini. That's fine, particularly on a back facing balcony.

I find posting photos in a bikini very attention-seeking though.

@RentalWoesNotFun

You do realise that the Victorian era finished over 120 years ago? 🤣🤣🤣

’Thems the rules’ is a saying. It’s not meant to be grammatically correct. Again I can’t tell you where it came from as it’s been around for years.

I've certainly never heard of it, and judging by other responses on here plenty of other pps haven't either. Which pretty much underlines what I was trying to say, which is that you are trying to project a very minority viewpoint as if it was a universally accepted "rule".

My DH is a lovely man. He's seen me on stage wearing apparently nothing but underwear without any issue.

The idea of the minute possibility of someone seeing me in my knickers on a balcony or in our garden would probably get him asking the same. It could be a safety thing — he's worried someone might see you and you'd be a target. Or maybe he's not as relaxed as you are. His worry that you might post pictures of yourself on Instagram in your underwear suggests that it could also be a safety thing. It gives clues to where you live and there are truly terrible people out there.

Agree that you won't go on his balcony in your knickers, but do and wear whatever you want on yours.

Plus women cannot be charged with indecent exposure. The law only refers to men.

'Indecent exposure' is no longer a concept in UK law: the offence is now called exposure and can be committed by a man or a woman, but it does require exposure of the genitalia and an intent to cause alarm or distress. It would not be made out in the circumstances described by the OP.

It is controlling behaviour.

Are there any other parts of your relationship you feel isn’t quite right? Does he cause arguments or try to upset you if you are going out? Or anything like that?

Just trying to see if this is a subtle pattern or if it is a case him wanting to cover you up.

Still doesn’t make it right but could decide if this is salvageable or whether you should leave.

It could be a safety thing — he's worried someone might see you and you'd be a target. Or maybe he's not as relaxed as you are. His worry that you might post pictures of yourself on Instagram in your underwear suggests that it could also be a safety thing. It gives clues to where you live and there are truly terrible people out there.

Yeah, that's the standard male response to any (perceived) threat, however remote, to "his" woman - let's lock the poor little thing up to keep her safe. It's lazy; it's so much easier than acknowledging and trying to address the underlying issues.

And the problem is that it "normalises" the situation Instead, we should be saying "it's outrageous that we can't feel safe dressing as we please in our own home", and not allow ourselves to be conned into unnecessary restrictions in the name of "safety".

Agree ☝️

'Is this is a bit controlling?' For me the incorrect word in that question is 'bit' and YES it's absolutely 'controlling'!!
I have looked to see what the longevity of the relationship is but couldn't find it so if this is a fairly new 'thing' I suggest you either nip it straight in the bud or if he doesn't comply maybe give him has marching orders or alternatively just throw him off the balcony?! 🙄😂

Why would it be inappropriate for your son to see you in a crop top and briefs? Or even a bikini?

Ignore him. Do what pleases you, or just do it when he isn't there, but he has no right to tell you that unless he knows someone is gawking at you.

It could be leading up to something completely different?

@Rhaenys

I believe it is his son, not hers or theirs.
So it sounds like she has had boyfriend and his son move into her flat ?

Look up coercive control. This is not OK.

Well, you're wearing underwear outside . And posting bikini shots on instagram IS fishing for attention.

However, he has no right to tell you what to wear, and to tell you to cover up.

Ad the balcony is in the second floor it's doubtful that anyone can see anything.

He’s right.
Would you think it was appropriate if he just wore a pair of briefs?
Because I wouldn’t.
Just put some shorts on and have a bit of old fashioned respect.

But nobody can see her. She's on her own balcony, not walzing around the supermarket aisles.

I couldn't care less if my significant other was standing on a balcony two floors up, just wearing pants.

Can we stop all this ridiculous 'respect' and 'modesty' guff? That is just playing to sexist tropes and outmoded patriarchal control of women's bodies.

😆😆😆

Go to literally any beach - you’ll see exactly that!