Partner asks me to cover up when I’m on my balcony

[Slettora]

my top floor flat has a balcony that is 2 floors up a big Victorian converted building (so quite high up). However it does overlook a fairly busy street. I got up this morning in my crop top and briefs because it’s hot and his son had already gone to school. He said if I’m going on the balcony can I put some shorts on. Weird because I’m essentially more covered up than someone would be in a bikini and it’s my balcony (?!). Anyway, he has also got upset if I’ve posted any stories on Instagram of me sunbathing with my cat on my balcony, suggesting I’m fishing for attention.

I had a fairly hippy upbringing and don’t really feel much need to cover up when it’s hot because a body is just a body and I’m also very flat chested with an ironing board body so I don’t feel sexy anyway. I’ve always dressed quite tomboy too, I don’t like attention I just like to be comfortable.

Is this is a bit controlling? I’m not sure how to feel about it. Maybe I should just respect his more conservative boundaries, I don’t know.

What rules are those? Whose rules are they? I've never come across a rule that you're not allowed to wear underwear on your own balcony where no-one can see you.

I can see his point, years ago, in my 20s living alone and a random stranger, neighbour was spying (for want of a better word ) on me, yes of course you should be able to sit half dressed on your balcony, but…. Its possibly alerting any weidos, had a similar problem when my daughter bought an end of terrace where the kitchen window looks straight into lonely back street.. so just be careful

I think the point is that she MAY be seen. You never know who is watching or from where.

And anyone with common sense knows that a bra top and pants isn’t normally socially acceptable to wear in public as it’s not usual daytime attire that we are usually seen in. Thems the rules.

If the OP knew for a fact nobody could see her she should be able to wear what she likes. By considering she lives in a busy city i imagine her partner has the same concerns as me. Keep undies appropriately covered up when potentially in pubic view.

Why do you keep saying “Thems the rules” as if it’s somehow amusing?

The thing is;if OP gives in to said demands where does it stop?;will the boyfriend want her to cover up on the beach,ditch any short strappy dresses and tops when going out in public in the summer,not go for a night out in certain clothes as he considers them too revealing?

I used to sunbathe in my overlooked back garden in a bikini. Not sure how this is any different.

This is such a typical Mumsnet response. If the role was reversed and my husband was prancing about on our balcony in his pants I would tell him to put some clothes on. Does not make me controlling.

Wow what a range of answers. Here’s mine.

Yes, I think it’s an attempt at control. What was your response? Did you say no and carry on, did you put shorts on? The fact of left you feeling odd and questioning your behaviour is a sign that should be taken notice of, well done.

I think his request was particularly unreasonable as you’re high up! Who’s going to see you?! OK, I appreciate that’s not necessarily the point but context matters. Even if you’re lying on a glass floor, which presumably you’re not, you still had knickers on, who is looking up? And so what if they are, you’re not harming anyone. Exactly, no worse than a bikini. I think it was about his overall issues with how you conduct yourself rather than that particular context.

As for his comments about your social media activity, he sounds very judgemental, how well does he know you? Are you posting with a pout in a seductive manner? It doesn’t sound like it.

If he’s meant to know you well, and he still looks at what you’re doing with a misogynistic slant, (is that the right word here?), then that’s also concerning. Surely he should know that your motives are genuine and innocent? Obviously, this also depends on his tone of how he said it etc..

He’s entitled to his more conservative opinions, just make sure they don’t control you and your behaviour, and erode your sense of self.

I think I would be reviewing previous behaviour in case I’ve overlooked anything else telling, and also his overall contribution to my life, but we are all different in some ways, you just have to be aware of what you’re willing to accept and tolerate in this particular relationship combination. What is he like with communication? Can you discuss this like an adult with him, or does his ego get in the way? That also might tell you a lot.

You can do what you want but people forget actions have consequences. I wouldn't like my partner going on balcony above a busy road in boxers. It's an underwear and inappropriate. Does that mean I have a right to dictate him what he wears? No. Can I ask or
state my opinion? Of course. And how he responds would definitely speak volumes.

And anyone with common sense knows that a bra top and pants isn’t normally socially acceptable to wear in public as it’s not usual daytime attire that we are usually seen in. Thems the rules.
@RentalWoesNotFun
My experience of people who say "common sense dictates ..." is that they don't have a reason for what they are saying!
And as for the somewhat ungrammatical "thems the rules" - of course they're not rules, they're just your perception of a social norm ... a perception that most of us don't share 🙄

Pervs and stalkers target all kinds of women, not just ones wearing less clothes.

Exactly! Plus it is not in public. It is a private balcony. Perhaps visible from the street if anyone bothered to look up, but it is still a private balcony.

The reason for what Im saying comes from hundreds of years ago when society expected people to cover up their underclothes, especially during the Victorian age which expected this from head to toe. Surely we all know about such matters, hence my reference to common sense.

Although things have changed over the past decades it does still appear to be an expectation that we cover our undies. Although that attitude is changing with the likes of bralets as outerwear etc. As can be seen by the attitudes on this thread, things are moving. I just don’t think we are quite there yet. As an be seen on this thread by some people’s attitudes to exposing underwear. including mine. And all the varied opinions of others not on this thread.

’Thens the rules’ is a saying. It’s not meant to be grammatically correct. Again I can’t tell you where it came from as it’s been around for years.

It’s your flat, he is living there with his son and yet he is trying to control you and what you put on SM.
What is the difference between knickers and a bikini? Not much at all!
Do not bow down to his demands, my H walks into our back garden sometimes in his boxers, especially at night, when our dog needs a wee. He’s not flashing his privates and I would never make a big deal of it.
You carry on being you and tell the caveman to find himself a cave to rule over. X

You’d be repulsed by a man sunbathing in boxers on his own balcony!? It’s just a pair of shorts/trunks. Jesus, there are some weird people out there. Why is it a problem? Unless he’s got his hand in them having a wank, it really isn’t anything to worry about. You might not find human bodies aesthetically pleasing but unless it’s something that would interest the police, it’s your own problem to manage.

In the street, yes. In my own back garden or on a balcony two floors up, no.

Most of my knickers can be seen on the shelves in a couple of well known chain stores, so what would be the difference between people seeing them in a shop and me wearing them on my own private balcony?

It does, though.

And talking about ‘prancing about’ is ridiculous. This is someone going out to sunbathe, not performing a Bob Fosse dance number. If you told your husband he shouldn’t sunbathe in trunks on his own property, you would absolutely be controlling.

This!

As for prancing about in his pants 🕺🏻! 😀

Keep undies appropriately covered up when potentially in pubic view.

This has to be the most amusing typo on here today.

I walk the coast path and wild swim. If I find a nice swimming spot and don't have my cossie I swim in my undies.

My cossie = black cotton top and briefs
My undies = black cotton top and briefs

I defy anyone to tell the difference. Some repressed prudes spend their whole life worrying about 'thems the rules', 'class' and potential lurking wankers.
The days slip by so quickly. Life's much better if you forget all this shit, strip to your knickers and dive in the sea.

'and his son had already gone to school.'

his son lives in your flat too ?

Sunbathing isn't, but posting photos of yourself on social media in a bikini is, imo.

Hear hear. My life also became much better once I got rid of my own hangups about my body (also an ironing board) and prioritised comfort - which in some situations (sunbathing, swimming, running, summer) means wearing very little.

People can wear what they like as long as it's not indecent exposure - especially on their own private property! - and absolutely no one gets to tell them otherwise.

DP and I are happy to potter around the garden and sunbathe in underwear. I go running in a tiny crop top and running shorts, he often does the same topless. It's actually hilarious to me that anyone would be repulsed by any of this. The idea of either of us telling the other to cover up is actually surreal.

Plus women cannot be charged with indecent exposure. The law only refers to men.

But being in your underwear is not indecent anyway.

Honestly, if I was passing on the street below and saw someone in their knickers on the balcony I would think it’s weird so I don’t think it’s controlling for him to suggest you wear some shorts. It sounds like you’re a bit of an exhibitionist and he’s not comfortable with that.