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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Birthday disappointment

104 replies

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:34

Hi all,

Just needed somewhere to vent. It was my birthday recently and I am feeling really let down.

I live with my partner, we have a had a bit of a rough year. Various health/family issues.

I spoke a lot about my birthday over the past few weeks and had said I was really looking forward to it this year as I needed a day to get excited over. He ruined last years birthday by being hungover and not really making much effort. So I was almost prompting him to do better.

Woke up yesterday morning, he said happy birthday and that he was going out to grab us coffee. He came back with coffee, a card and flowers. So basically he went out to the supermarket to get me the card and the flowers (prices still attached etc, all very last minute).

He was talking about how they were my favourite flowers and how he remembered. They aren't my favourite flowers, we have this conversation every birthday and valentines. They are his ex wife's favourite flowers. We have been together ten years, I can't keep saying the same thing.

He said we could go out in the afternoon do a bit of shopping and get lunch. I spent the morning myself getting ready, afternoon came and he was simply too busy. We ran out for 40 minutes to a chain restaurant and got a quick bite to eat and straight home. He then bank transferred me some money to do online shopping for my own present. I made a comment about the romance of it all.

I am feeling really let down. I spent the rest of the day on my own, utterly miserable.

He told me this morning we are going out with his friend tonight, I really don't want to go. Why should I make the effort for his friend when I got absolutely no consideration on the one day a year that's mines?

Am I petty? I am feeling totally taken for granted. I always put him, our family, our home before myself. Is it too much to want one day for me?

OP posts:
Slippingthroughthenet · 10/06/2025 09:36

You need to sit him down and lay out what your expectations are. Sounds like he’s one of those thoughtless types who doesn’t think of your feelings. I would read him the riot act and tell him things better improve.

Profhilodisaster · 10/06/2025 09:38

He obviously doesn't care, is he kind in other ways?

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:44

Profhilodisaster · 10/06/2025 09:38

He obviously doesn't care, is he kind in other ways?

No he really isn't when it comes to me.

His friends - he's the kindest, most considerate person in the world. I'm exhausted with it all.

"We" were minding his daughters dog for a week last week, I took leave from work to help with this. And he was basically AWOL for a week. By Thursday I had hit burn out, I was exhausted and emailed him and asked that he come straight home in the evening as I needed a break. He went out with his friends that night, and the next.

We had plans with the dog Saturday, long walk/lunch etc. He cancelled as he was hungover, and I was left watching him sleep on the couch all day.

I am fed up not being a priority. Not even close to a priority.

OP posts:
Nippytoday · 10/06/2025 09:46

Nope that’s no life for you on any day of the year.

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:47

Slippingthroughthenet · 10/06/2025 09:36

You need to sit him down and lay out what your expectations are. Sounds like he’s one of those thoughtless types who doesn’t think of your feelings. I would read him the riot act and tell him things better improve.

I tried this last night. I tried kindly to express my disappointment and was basically told if I was one of those women who gave him grief about things like this then he would be single. He said he was lucky that I was ok with it.

I am not ok with it

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 10/06/2025 09:48

Is it too difficult to think about leaving?

Nippytoday · 10/06/2025 09:48

You don’t have to be kind about it. Tell him straight it’s not good enough and you are disappointed. It’s not just your birthday though is it so if I were you I would be reconsidering the whole relationship.

LozzaCh0ps · 10/06/2025 09:49

I don’t know about you, but I would definitely be happier single than having to hang about or change plans for such an inconsiderate person. I hope next birthday is a happier one.

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:49

Vast improvement on last year OP!

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:50

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:49

Vast improvement on last year OP!

I don't understand?

OP posts:
Droshs · 10/06/2025 09:50

Why are you still with him?

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:51

Droshs · 10/06/2025 09:50

Why are you still with him?

Not sure at this stage. I suppose I live in hope that he will make more effort.

OP posts:
Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:51

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:50

I don't understand?

last year didn’t he ruin your birthday because he was hungover?

and the intervening year between that birthday and this birthday… let me guess, far from a bed of roses

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:52

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:51

Not sure at this stage. I suppose I live in hope that he will make more effort.

Hopefully no children involved 🤞?

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:52

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:52

Hopefully no children involved 🤞?

We have adult children between us. No children in the home, just us

OP posts:
Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:53

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:52

We have adult children between us. No children in the home, just us

By this I mean, 3 adult kids between us. None together

OP posts:
SpryCat · 10/06/2025 09:53

He isn’t your partner, he has no idea on your likes or needs and he doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a fuck whether you have a nice birthday/ Christmas etc as he’s only interested in pleasing himself. You are flatmates who have sex, raise your bar and move on from him.

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:54

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:53

By this I mean, 3 adult kids between us. None together

Hallelujah

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:54

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:51

last year didn’t he ruin your birthday because he was hungover?

and the intervening year between that birthday and this birthday… let me guess, far from a bed of roses

Yeah it's not been a great year in all honesty. That's why I was hoping for just one day where I came first

OP posts:
Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:55

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:54

Yeah it's not been a great year in all honesty. That's why I was hoping for just one day where I came first

It would have meant bigger all

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:56

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:54

Hallelujah

I'm a good mum, I'm there for all three kids whenever they need me. I don't see why him letting me down would change that?

OP posts:
Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:57

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:56

I'm a good mum, I'm there for all three kids whenever they need me. I don't see why him letting me down would change that?

Huh?

im just pleased there aren’t any young children involved in this “relationship”

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2025 10:03

Why have you kept on putting him and practically everyone else around you before you?. You seem to be last on your own priority list, let alone theirs. Be tired of being the last person who matters .This man you are with knows you will put up with his crap behaviour all too readily. You have this forlorn hope too he will change. Well this is who he really is.

Better to be alone than to be this badly accompanied

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who told you that your needs did not matter back then?.

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 10:03

Jawclicked · 10/06/2025 09:57

Huh?

im just pleased there aren’t any young children involved in this “relationship”

Ah ok. Apologies, I'm a bit brain foggy today! Yeah i'm glad too, it's hard enough me navigating this without young kinds being involved.

And it is a relationship. No "" required. I put everything into it. I just need advise on how I get more from him

OP posts:
tecbrowidow · 10/06/2025 10:04

I'm so sorry you're not being cared for properly, it must be heartbreaking. I've got a really similar dynamic with my partner, except when I've suggested he might prefer to live separately it's an emphatic no from him. I'm reading this book 'Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay' https://amzn.eu/d/1fXz6vb
I think it's starting to give me some clarity on what's going on for me and why I'm stuck on the fence about the relationship. I'm sharing in case it might be useful for you too. The other thing I've tried with a tiny bit of success is emotionally focused therapy resources. He's the workbook I'm trying to get through with my partner at the moment: amzn.eu/d/asU81MA

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