Birthday disappointment

[Thiscant]

Hi all,

Just needed somewhere to vent. It was my birthday recently and I am feeling really let down.

I live with my partner, we have a had a bit of a rough year. Various health/family issues.

I spoke a lot about my birthday over the past few weeks and had said I was really looking forward to it this year as I needed a day to get excited over. He ruined last years birthday by being hungover and not really making much effort. So I was almost prompting him to do better.

Woke up yesterday morning, he said happy birthday and that he was going out to grab us coffee. He came back with coffee, a card and flowers. So basically he went out to the supermarket to get me the card and the flowers (prices still attached etc, all very last minute).

He was talking about how they were my favourite flowers and how he remembered. They aren't my favourite flowers, we have this conversation every birthday and valentines. They are his ex wife's favourite flowers. We have been together ten years, I can't keep saying the same thing.

He said we could go out in the afternoon do a bit of shopping and get lunch. I spent the morning myself getting ready, afternoon came and he was simply too busy. We ran out for 40 minutes to a chain restaurant and got a quick bite to eat and straight home. He then bank transferred me some money to do online shopping for my own present. I made a comment about the romance of it all.

I am feeling really let down. I spent the rest of the day on my own, utterly miserable.

He told me this morning we are going out with his friend tonight, I really don't want to go. Why should I make the effort for his friend when I got absolutely no consideration on the one day a year that's mines?

Am I petty? I am feeling totally taken for granted. I always put him, our family, our home before myself. Is it too much to want one day for me?

I would also readily assume your own now adult children cannot readily stand him. Or quietly wonder why you are with him at all.

I don’t doubt it’s a relationship

more akin to two people who don’t like one another very much but live together

I think I am a natural carer/giver. And maybe I treat him as I would want to be treated.

Is there anyway I can have a calm rational conversation with him about how my needs aren't being met and what I need to feel appreciated.

Yeah my adult child doesn't like him

I like him

Being such is ideal fodder to a useless waster like this man. He will milk this for all he is worth. Read about people pleasing and see how much this relates to you.

And my answer to your last question is no.

You like him?!

What is there to like, let alone love, about this man. Why is your relationship bar this bloody
low to begin with with?.

Your adult child can all too clearly see what you are blind to. Hope of your Mr Wrong changing for the better and a lack of self worth keeps you with him but this is who he really is. He even bought you his ex wife’s fave flowers!

You could tell him what present or flowers you want specifically or send him a link. Some people have no clue when choosing a gift. It’s disappointing, but I don’t think he’s uncaring.

Well, hes been getting you the wrong flowers for ten years and youve put up with it. Sorry op but if you just lie down & allow it of course hes never going to put real effort in.
Either leave him or continue to live like this.

Do you like how he makes you feel? It doesn’t sound like it. He’s a massive fucking disappointment. Buying you his ex’s favourite flowers is like a kick in the face, and he’s done it more than once?!

Staying with him is choosing to feel like shit because he can’t be arsed to just be better. He’s useless and you’re letting him get away with it. Of course your kids don’t like him, he makes you miserable.

I have tried to tell him my favourite flowers, give gift ideas etc. But i'm pretty sure at this stage he just doesn't listen to me. Not just about it, about everything.

I need to constantly remind him of conversations we have had etc. I think i'm maybe just being overly sensitive. 364 days a year I just get on with it but I am just disappointed as it was my birthday and I really spent it no different to every other day of the year

How long have you been with him op

No you are not over bloody sensitive!. Is that what he had told you as well?. If anything you are not angry enough and have downplayed this.

will be 11 years this year

Happy belated Birthday x

and yes you deserved better, if I was you I’d make plans to not spend anymore birthdays or days with him.

Do no waste another year on him. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

So I’m guessing your relationship with your child has taken a hit too, given they’re unlikely to be wanting to spend much time at your home with him around

That is depressing op

so previous to last year… all good?

Why bother.
It's clearly been 11 long years is it just a habit ?
You are not married, don't share any children together and any children are actually adults.

Just split up.

Kindly OP, he's a selfish loser and you are a doormat.
We teach people how to treat us.
You make little of yourself and allow him to use you.
He's not a good man and he knows you have zero self respect.
Your adult child has the measure of him, yet you persist.

I don't mean to be harsh but this is your life and your decision to continue to be a mug.

I actually feel more sorry for your adult child having to witness this, not like him, but being forced to witness your unhappiness and sadness year in year out.

I would hate for my need to be a people pleaser for this loser, to be such a source of sadness for my child.

You need to own this.
These are YOUR choices.
Your adult child probably loves you, but is forced to bear witness to this selfish man for years treating you poorly.
This will be their memory of you, make no mistake, being a total doormat to a selfish man.

Honestly, I couldn't burden my children like that.

Exactly

all sounds very… limp and unsatisfying

Yeah i've tried to bring things up to him before and i'm either "being stupid" or "being sensitive".

I feel like i'm just a muted version of myself at this stage. I'm exhausted. I've had quite a year health wise and thought surely with everything I have been through he will make this year special.

Really think I have let myself down in fairness, gave myself false hope that it would be different

So you need to tell h that you’re not ok with it. Personally I’d rather be single than on a relationship where I was perpetually disappointed. You deserve better and shouldn’t have to lower your standards for anyone.

I think after 11 years it’s safe to say you’re wasting your time. Go and live your life without him.