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Original poster

Birthday disappointment

104 replies

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 09:34

Hi all,

Just needed somewhere to vent. It was my birthday recently and I am feeling really let down.

I live with my partner, we have a had a bit of a rough year. Various health/family issues.

I spoke a lot about my birthday over the past few weeks and had said I was really looking forward to it this year as I needed a day to get excited over. He ruined last years birthday by being hungover and not really making much effort. So I was almost prompting him to do better.

Woke up yesterday morning, he said happy birthday and that he was going out to grab us coffee. He came back with coffee, a card and flowers. So basically he went out to the supermarket to get me the card and the flowers (prices still attached etc, all very last minute).

He was talking about how they were my favourite flowers and how he remembered. They aren't my favourite flowers, we have this conversation every birthday and valentines. They are his ex wife's favourite flowers. We have been together ten years, I can't keep saying the same thing.

He said we could go out in the afternoon do a bit of shopping and get lunch. I spent the morning myself getting ready, afternoon came and he was simply too busy. We ran out for 40 minutes to a chain restaurant and got a quick bite to eat and straight home. He then bank transferred me some money to do online shopping for my own present. I made a comment about the romance of it all.

I am feeling really let down. I spent the rest of the day on my own, utterly miserable.

He told me this morning we are going out with his friend tonight, I really don't want to go. Why should I make the effort for his friend when I got absolutely no consideration on the one day a year that's mines?

Am I petty? I am feeling totally taken for granted. I always put him, our family, our home before myself. Is it too much to want one day for me?

OP posts:
Natty13 · 10/06/2025 10:24

And it is a relationship. No "" required. I put everything into it. I just need advise on how I get more from him

You can't. He doesn't give a flying fuck and will do the absolute bare minimum he possibly can just to stop you leaving. He is banking on you not having any standards for yourself and the more you put up with this the longer it will continue.

Jesus fucking Christ the bar is low for men. If my daughter grows uo to accept this I will bloody despair.

Sunflowers67 · 10/06/2025 10:29

Why do we keep putting up with these partners who cannot reciprocate? We know they do it, we feel it every bloody day, we are unhappy and each day feels like walking through deep snow just to get some tiny morsel of affection from them?
Don't we deserve the same as what we give?
They will not change - but we can.
I am a firm believer in giving someone a chance - but once they know how much they have hurt me and they do it again and again - that makes me the fool!
I'd rather get a goldfish than put up with some 'half person' in my life.

I am sorry that you feel so hurt and unseen by your partner - get rid, get a goldfish and get on that road to happiness.

I buy my own flowers now - every darn week 😁

Original poster
Thiscant · 10/06/2025 10:30

It wasn't always like this. He used to be good with showing up and making an effort. We are both a lot older now, and we are well into the relationship. The honeymoon phase is well and truly over.

Is this not just what happens after ten plus years? Maybe he's as tired as I am?

OP posts:
DipsyDee · 10/06/2025 10:35

You are not being petty in the slightest

Limer · 10/06/2025 10:42

Is this not just what happens after ten plus years? Maybe he's as tired as I am?
But he's not tired, he puts a lot of effort into socialising with his friends, doesn't he?

How much effort do you put into his birthday? I can guess - many times more than he puts into yours. So there's your answer - you care about him many times more than he cares about you. I'd advise you to cut your losses ASAP.

SparklingMetre · 10/06/2025 10:45

It feels like you are trying to find a way to help him understand that he’s hurt you and he isn’t getting things rights. When in reality he’s aware of this, as you’ve already told him, he’s just choosing not to listen.

I think the question is, are you willing to put up with this?
Given this is who he is… and it’s likely that this will continue to be the pattern…

Leaving is hard for sure, but staying- that’s got to be so hard too.

I’d cut my losses and go, and accept it will be hard but at least there will be genuinely fun/happy times with friends and family who really do care.

mintydoggyv · 10/06/2025 10:47

O dear l never treated my wife of 59 years like this ,

YourWildAmberSloth · 10/06/2025 10:49

Greenfitflop · 10/06/2025 10:20

Kindly OP, he's a selfish loser and you are a doormat.
We teach people how to treat us.
You make little of yourself and allow him to use you.
He's not a good man and he knows you have zero self respect.
Your adult child has the measure of him, yet you persist.

I don't mean to be harsh but this is your life and your decision to continue to be a mug.

I actually feel more sorry for your adult child having to witness this, not like him, but being forced to witness your unhappiness and sadness year in year out.

I would hate for my need to be a people pleaser for this loser, to be such a source of sadness for my child.

You need to own this.
These are YOUR choices.
Your adult child probably loves you, but is forced to bear witness to this selfish man for years treating you poorly.
This will be their memory of you, make no mistake, being a total doormat to a selfish man.

Honestly, I couldn't burden my children like that.

This^^. With bells on.

Mum2Fergus · 10/06/2025 10:49

He’s showing you who he is…you need to pay attention and decide whether or not your prepared to share your life with this version of him.

Fluffyc1ouds · 10/06/2025 10:51

This isn't going to change and you'll get another 11 years down the line and feel even more down about it. Imagine all your birthdays being like this every year for the rest of your life - is that not enough motivation to consider whether you want to keep it going? I've been with my DH for 10 years and the relationship keeps improving, not getting worse!

His comment about him preferring to be single than be given grief over his shit effort to mark your birthday makes it sound like he's not as committed to the relationship as you expect. Have you got friends or family who are close enough for you speak to about it?

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/06/2025 10:55

He won’t change. You need to accept that. He doesn’t care enough to try. You need to accept that.

The only person who can change is you.

teenmaw · 10/06/2025 10:56

“I always put him, our family, our home before myself”

that’s your first mistake right there op, cause you’re showing everyone else where you consider yourself in the pecking order and that’s exactly where they put you too. Made the same msitake myself for years. Not any more.

TheAmusedQuail · 10/06/2025 10:59

Nope. Tell him you don't want to go. Tell him that he can't make an effort for you so you will return his energy.

And then don't go. And start doing a lot more of what YOU want. Do a lot less for him. He doesn't care about you. He knows you're unhappy and doesn't care.

OhCobblers · 10/06/2025 11:03

It wasn't always like this. He used to be good with showing up and making an effort. We are both a lot older now, and we are well into the relationship. The honeymoon phase is well and truly over.
Is this not just what happens after ten plus years?

NO!! That’s not what naturally happens after so long. I’ve been with my DH 25 years and never once has he behaved like this or ever would. This is what happens when you’re with someone so selfish. That they give a shit about everyone else bar you, they don’t listen to you and they definitely don’t DO for you. Your age is absolutely not a good reason to accept this shitty behaviour.

OhCobblers · 10/06/2025 11:03

teenmaw · 10/06/2025 10:56

“I always put him, our family, our home before myself”

that’s your first mistake right there op, cause you’re showing everyone else where you consider yourself in the pecking order and that’s exactly where they put you too. Made the same msitake myself for years. Not any more.

Agree with this too.

cestlavielife · 10/06/2025 11:09

What would life look like without him in it?
Do a thought exercise where you do not have to put up with this.

And what does your life look like in one year five years ten?
Imagine the two scenarios with him and without .

Only you can decide which life you choose. You cannot change him after 10 years

You can only change yourself either staying together but finding more life for you friends hobbies etc

Or without him

You really do have a choice
Conside talk through with a life coach or counsellor

Maybe he has some really great points. Maybe not. Only you can decide what you prepared to live with the rest of your one life and story that you are the heroine of .

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/06/2025 11:10

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 10:30

It wasn't always like this. He used to be good with showing up and making an effort. We are both a lot older now, and we are well into the relationship. The honeymoon phase is well and truly over.

Is this not just what happens after ten plus years? Maybe he's as tired as I am?

No, me and DP have been together 20 years. I still go all out for her birthday, because it's important to her. She on the other hand knows that I like my birthdays to be fairly low key, so that's what happens. We make each others lives better, easier, not harder.

You got annoyed that other people put "relationship" in quotes. Why? It's not a relationship, it's you putting all the work in and him doing nothing in return. That looks like no relationship I've ever been in.

Tripthelightfantastical · 10/06/2025 11:14

I would stop bothering entirely for his birthday. Would he mind?

Bittenonce · 10/06/2025 11:29

Sometimes I will read threads on here and feel embarrassed to be a man - yours isn’t one of those, but it’s still a ‘Wow, how does he get away with it, why does she put up with it?’
You said you’re hoping he’ll get better, looking for advice on how to get him to give more: it’s not going to happen. He really doesn’t care, he won’t change.

FamilyPhoto · 10/06/2025 11:37

You can't make him want to do better because you are simply not important enough to him for him to bother.

pimplebum · 10/06/2025 11:44

He is telling you loud and clear what he thinks of you

the ex wife’s favourite flowers - good grief getting that wrong once would be mortifying for most men and it would never happen again

he would need to be a god in all other areas to make up for this

Mythreeknights · 10/06/2025 11:47

FamilyPhoto · 10/06/2025 11:37

You can't make him want to do better because you are simply not important enough to him for him to bother.

I'm afraid OP, that this is the crux of the problem. He takes you for granted. Your connection is so surface level that he doesn't consider your feelings or needs.

WinSomeandLoseSome · 10/06/2025 11:47

If you aren't going to leave him then it is time to change things and think of yourself for once. Start by saying you don't want to go tonight. He cannot have it all his way.

arcticpandas · 10/06/2025 12:03

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 10:30

It wasn't always like this. He used to be good with showing up and making an effort. We are both a lot older now, and we are well into the relationship. The honeymoon phase is well and truly over.

Is this not just what happens after ten plus years? Maybe he's as tired as I am?

No!!! You don't start treating your partner like shit after 10 years ! I can't believe he gave you his exw favourite flowers when you have already told him what yours are- did he do that on purpose? Your bday sounds like shit but your life with this pig sounds even shittier. Why waste your love on this selfish tway who gives nothing back? Find your self-respect and leave him. You can do so so much better !

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/06/2025 12:12

Thiscant · 10/06/2025 10:20

Yeah i've tried to bring things up to him before and i'm either "being stupid" or "being sensitive".

I feel like i'm just a muted version of myself at this stage. I'm exhausted. I've had quite a year health wise and thought surely with everything I have been through he will make this year special.

Really think I have let myself down in fairness, gave myself false hope that it would be different

Show quote history

As soon as a man calls you stupid, it's over.

Trust me on that.