Birthday disappointment

[Thiscant]

Hi all,

Just needed somewhere to vent. It was my birthday recently and I am feeling really let down.

I live with my partner, we have a had a bit of a rough year. Various health/family issues.

I spoke a lot about my birthday over the past few weeks and had said I was really looking forward to it this year as I needed a day to get excited over. He ruined last years birthday by being hungover and not really making much effort. So I was almost prompting him to do better.

Woke up yesterday morning, he said happy birthday and that he was going out to grab us coffee. He came back with coffee, a card and flowers. So basically he went out to the supermarket to get me the card and the flowers (prices still attached etc, all very last minute).

He was talking about how they were my favourite flowers and how he remembered. They aren't my favourite flowers, we have this conversation every birthday and valentines. They are his ex wife's favourite flowers. We have been together ten years, I can't keep saying the same thing.

He said we could go out in the afternoon do a bit of shopping and get lunch. I spent the morning myself getting ready, afternoon came and he was simply too busy. We ran out for 40 minutes to a chain restaurant and got a quick bite to eat and straight home. He then bank transferred me some money to do online shopping for my own present. I made a comment about the romance of it all.

I am feeling really let down. I spent the rest of the day on my own, utterly miserable.

He told me this morning we are going out with his friend tonight, I really don't want to go. Why should I make the effort for his friend when I got absolutely no consideration on the one day a year that's mines?

Am I petty? I am feeling totally taken for granted. I always put him, our family, our home before myself. Is it too much to want one day for me?

You’re flogging a dead horse, you need to walk away.

He won't. You either need to make the decision to live with that or leave and hope for someone better (or indeed an easier life alone, where you can give yourself top priority).

You need to make yourself a priority.

Taking time off work to babysit his mates dog?!

Come on

You won't get anything more from him because he doesn;t want to.

Nothing you can do will make a difference. You can't change someone.

All of this birthday thing would be a different prospect if he was a loving and supportive partner for the other 364 days a year - some people just aren't good at birthdays. It doesn't sound like it from your posts, but only you know where on the scale of loving and supportive he comes.

I wonder how he'd react if he thought he might actually become single? If you started prioritising yourself, not running round after other people. Increasing your own self esteem through treating yourself to whatever floats your boat - exercise, new clothes, beauty treatments. Going out with your friends and family rather than worrying about his.

Perhaps he'd step up? If he didn't, perhaps you'd be feeling stronger to put an end to it?

This.

I would never let a partner speak to me like that.

OP, your low self esteem and burn out, as you put it, are really coming across in your posts. I think you need to call it a day and move on from this relationship as it is draining to even read about. Life is too short for this shit. Go and be happy.

It was his daughters dog. So in my eyes, helping out our kids

And would he take time off to help yours?

Happiness =reality-expectations. I find adjusting expectations down is the best approach. I treat my birthday like any other day, perhaps with a family meal out in the evening after doing all the normal work/chores, and then any surprises/presents are a bonus during the day and really make me happy/smile. Would recommend.

OP. I’m so sad reading this. You deserve to have everything. He’s broken you down with his cruelty and neglect. Please don’t waste another 11 years on this selfish, self-serving, lacklustre prick.

This is a relationship dead in the water and has descended in to him not giving a flying fig about what you think of him Op, and you being a possibly a bit of martyr about it all (you booked annual leave to look after his daughter’s dog? Out of nosiness why was it so “exhausting”?)

So your adult child doesn’t t like him? Did your child ever like him?

As I had mentioned in previous posts I have had health issues this year. I am waiting for an operation to remove a tumour in my brain, so my days can be quite exhausting generally. The medication i'm on has a side effect for sudden onset sleep. So no, i'm not a martyr thanks

I think the quotation marks are intended to reflect that this doesn’t sound like much of a relationship at all. It doesn’t really matter how much effort you put into this relationship if the effort is one sided.

I sincerely hope your DP is either richer than Croesus himself or at least has a cock carved from solid gold as a redeeming feature. Personally, neither would suffice but I’m hoping there is a reason you are sticking around that isn’t a fear of being alone.

And his daughter knew that you’d be booking time off to look after the dog?

the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

Your adult child presumably doesn’t visit much if doesn’t like your partner? Did your child ever like him?

if my child didn’t like my partner, that would pretty much be the end of it for me. Given what you outline, you don’t seem to like him either.

And he sure as heck doesn’t sound likeable

Yeah she did when she was younger but not so much now. I still see her, and his kids regularly. She only comes round to our home when he isn't here

No, this isn't what you should expect after 10 years (in answer to your question). I've been with my DH quite a lot longer than that, and it's nothing like that. Nor the relationships I see around me (surrounded by people who've been together 25+ years).

We still show care, support, affection, love, on a daily basis. We try to get a thoughtful gift for special occasions. We like to make each other happy. We listen when one of us is unhappy about something. We have each others' backs. We prioritise time together as well as enjoying separate friends and interests. We do our best not to upset the let down the other.

That isn't me bragging. It's descrining a normal healthy relationship.

You shouldn't have to remind your OH to listen to you, to be thoughtful, to understand you'd had a tough year and to make a small fuss on your birthday.

He is repeatedly showing he doesn't care, and no amount of hinting, or talking to him, will make him care. The fact he accuses you of over-reacting or being too sensitive when you raise perfectly reasonable concerns, is also worrying. He literally doesn't care, doesn't want to hear about your feelings, doesn't think it's his place to make you happy.

You deserve so much better. Listen to your child and leave this awful man, please.

So Christmas? Birthday celebrations etc

seriously op… your daughter and grandkids!

he called you stupid. You have a medical condition and he trotted off leaving you to it with the dog.

Come on, if you stay, then I’m afraid there is a whiff of martyrdom op. You work, no abuse involved,no dependents…. You can do this

She thought I would have the support of her dad and he wouldn't have left me to cope with this on my own.

I needed to take time off or I wouldn't have been up to my share of minding him. Just unfortunate that my partner never kept up to his end of helping

Why try and get more from him when he’s made it clear if you have any expectations of him, he would be single before he would live up to them?

He’s basically told you he’s only with you because he gets away with making no effort and you stay.

Get rid of this waste of space and go out there and find someone who will get excited to make your birthday special!

Why do your adult children not like him? Enough to actively avoid coming around when he's home?

She just thinks I deserve better

She’s probably right. Don’t ignore her.