Husband’s new job & emotional affair

[rosamundos]

Hi bit lost as to what to do next. We recently moved back to the U.K. as we were working abroad (where we had our 3 young children) for several years. Move instigated by DH’s ‘big’ new job, suddenly he became the earner & I ‘stalled’ my career to settle kids into school / move countries etc.

His behaviour the past month has been awful, and I felt in my gut something was up. He denied and denied. Tonight he was out and I checked his laptop - basically revealing (what he claims is) an emotion affair. He was googling divorce, how to handle the fallout of an affair etc.

The affair is with a woman at the new ‘big’ job who he works with on a daily basis. She’s also married with kids. He claims they had a discussion last week, after getting back from a 3 day long company ‘off site’, where they agreed nothing could happen as they didn’t want to risk families. I said I can’t be with him if he continues to work with her. But he says he can’t leave, it’s his dream job, he earns double his previous salary etc. He’s right in that he wouldn’t land anything like this again.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him he needs to tell her I know all about it. I will go to her husband if it continues. But he will still see her daily etc. I feel so sad and humiliated and like he’s leading a double life. No idea if it went beyond ‘emotional’, he claims not but I’d say that too (which I said to him). I don’t trust anything he says. I can see myself in a never ending paranoia where I sneak checks at his phone and question everything. If he doesn’t leave the company, what rules does he have to follow to make this even slightly viable?

Sorry. Feeling so confused and sad for my kids. Would appreciate opinions or experience.

You need to start getting advice on divorce, especially if he's already been looking as you want to get the best divorce people working for you and they can't do that if he talks to them first.

He has done none of the work to build trust after infidelity - he should be telling the truth and giving you access to all of his communication immediately. As he hasn't, he isn't serious about fixing things, he wants to continue his affair and is doing everything he can to protect that relationship.

You will never trust him again, never. And nor should you. Please stop wasting time and money. You have done all you can to save this relationship, he's not meeting you halfway, get your ducks in a row. You tried your best and are in no way to blame for this.

I would tell him op. When my dh had an affair with a colleague I got in touch with her husband straight away. It was so helpful. Between us we were able to put the full story together and thanks to him I was able to get copies of many of their messages. It also means their bubble of secrecy and fantasy is well and truly burst.
From experience I also really recommend taking control of the situation yourself. When my husband was 'unsure' what he wanted I told him to leave. He was really angry about that at first but it was the key thing in getting back on track. It made me feel back in control, I had to focus on me and the kids, put my big girl pants on and get on with it. It also gave him the shock he needed of what he was losing. It took him 3 days to end things with her fully and ask to come back (I told him not yet, but we could date).
It was by far the best thing I did. Sending lots of love. At the time I honestly didn't know how I was making it through each day, it's hands down the worst thing that's ever happened to me and its impossible to understand until you're there x

Hi OP
how are you getting on ? 💐

Tell him to leave and get child maintenance based on this important highly paid job - hit him where it hurts

Someone liked my original comment and i forgot I had posted in here..

So, for all those romantics, obviously this time last year I found the tip of an iceberg. The affair never ended. In February of this year, her husband found whats apps between them she’d not yet deleted. It seems that when I first posted they’d come off the back of a 4 hour day booking in the Hoxton hotel, Holborn. They were using Day Use hotels website to book lunch time sex sessions. They continued to have sex after I found out. And he was indeed in love with her (according to the whats apps). They continued the affair for 9 months, whilst he gas lit me and persuaded me I had a problem whilst facilitating this via couples therapy. The therapist was also convinced by him apparently.

The moment her husband found the messages, it all collapsed and apparently it’s the biggest mistake of his life. He had 9 months to process that though so could have acted in any other way. She then tried to take her own life, (horrifying, she has a 3 and a 6 year old), their workplace was notified. He was hauled into HR but kept his job.

I’m now very much a single mother and we’re completely separated. He still continued lying even after it all came out - I had to discover from her husband that they never used condoms (we were still having sex, cue STI tests all round) How someone can be that much of a pathological liar, after 16 years of knowing them, and 11 years married, I will never know. He put my emotional and physical health at risk and basically did not care / kept going.

So once again, an emotional affair I’d argue is just an affair that has not yet progressed to sex (or has, it’s just you don’t know it yet).

My life is less full of panic attacks and fear without him. I hope this can act as a positive message to anyone currently in the depths of despair that thinks they’re being lied to.

I am so so sorry you went through this, I remember reading this thread from last year and thinking you sounded so nice. Shocked at his level of deceit, and also just the brazenness from a work point of view booking hotel sex sessions in the middle of the day - do people actually do this?!

I’m surprised he kept his job, presumably he wasn’t being honest with his boss about it all. Did she keep her job / are they both still there?

horrendous she tried to take her own life. Clearly she was not in a good way at all, it sounds like nobody came away unscathed. What of her marriage, did her husband forgive her?

so happy you are free from the panic and anxiety and paranoia of having to be married to that man.

OP I’m so sorry you’ve had to go thru this. The pain is like nothing else (I know!)
Seems “Day Use” is quite popular … my husband made good use of it too!!
Did you ever inform her husband or did he contact you when he found out ?
I contacted OW husband to tell him of the “2 year affair” … I got the shock of my life when her husband told me he’d become aware of it 3 YEARS AGO and was assured it had all finished!!! Unbelievable!
You sound very strong ! I wish you all the best 🌺

I think the fact that he's looking elsewhere tells you everything you need to know, the details don't really matter, i don't know your situation and why he feels the need to look elsewhere and it's non of my business but do you really want to stay and waste your love and affection on someone who doesn't reciprocate?

I'm in a similar ish situation but i haven't walked away yet, i'm still trying to muddle on, i will always prioritise my kids wellbeing over my own wants and needs.

Thanks for the update. What a lying manipulative bastard he was/is.
Hope others going through similar can get inspiration from your outcome. 👏

I mean this kindly, your kids wellbeing will be better served in a household that has happy people in it, not where there are lies, deceit and resentment.

@DiggerLily they both work for a big international tech business. This company doesn’t care who shags whom, as long as work is not impacted. By trying to take her own life, her work was impacted but his wasn’t. She’s been off on sick leave ever since, but I’ve since been made aware via her husband she has a new role and will be leaving next month. Her husband stayed with her terrified she’d continue to try and take her own life and his kids would be left without a mother. I can’t speak to his motivations but he’s not walked away (yet).

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend her husband actually found the what’s apps. My ex got so good at hiding it, I genuinely thought the affair was over. There were a few days in early Feb where they messages constantly after they’d resumed having sex (he physically ended it last summer and started it again in November). Her husband's got suspicious and just happened to look at her phone. The messages were explicit, so she called my husband in a panic and he told me more was about to come out but not what. Her husband works as a freelancer in my industry, so his email and number are on his website. I just messaged him to say ‘hi I’ve known something was up for almost a year and I’ve heard you’ve made a discovery’ and he called me pretty much immediately. Bizarrely we’re now fairly good friends. We talk a lot, and kind of support each other in very deep moments of crisis. He’s a good guy.

@OMGDidYouSayThat yes agree hence why I ended it in Feb when it all finally came out. I think you should think of your kids but also the atmosphere at home. Wishing you all the luck as it’s hell.

thank you for your kind words everyone else x