Husband’s new job & emotional affair

[rosamundos]

Hi bit lost as to what to do next. We recently moved back to the U.K. as we were working abroad (where we had our 3 young children) for several years. Move instigated by DH’s ‘big’ new job, suddenly he became the earner & I ‘stalled’ my career to settle kids into school / move countries etc.

His behaviour the past month has been awful, and I felt in my gut something was up. He denied and denied. Tonight he was out and I checked his laptop - basically revealing (what he claims is) an emotion affair. He was googling divorce, how to handle the fallout of an affair etc.

The affair is with a woman at the new ‘big’ job who he works with on a daily basis. She’s also married with kids. He claims they had a discussion last week, after getting back from a 3 day long company ‘off site’, where they agreed nothing could happen as they didn’t want to risk families. I said I can’t be with him if he continues to work with her. But he says he can’t leave, it’s his dream job, he earns double his previous salary etc. He’s right in that he wouldn’t land anything like this again.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him he needs to tell her I know all about it. I will go to her husband if it continues. But he will still see her daily etc. I feel so sad and humiliated and like he’s leading a double life. No idea if it went beyond ‘emotional’, he claims not but I’d say that too (which I said to him). I don’t trust anything he says. I can see myself in a never ending paranoia where I sneak checks at his phone and question everything. If he doesn’t leave the company, what rules does he have to follow to make this even slightly viable?

Sorry. Feeling so confused and sad for my kids. Would appreciate opinions or experience.

So sorry this is what it came to Op, what an absolute disappointment your partner is. Did you tell her husband? I'm not sure I could hold back.
What are his thoughts moving forward? It seems, from what you have wrote, that he has not given her up, to save his marriage. Continuing to lie to you, will be hard to forgive. Perhaps the therapy will allow you to feel your rage, recognise your worth, and his lack of.

We've got a 'trickle truth' situation going on, where every few days or week I find out something new. Never something he's offered (he says he's told me everything), always something I've had to find. I found her number and messaged her directly off the back of the present and said she could have him. I got a reply immediately saying she's been wanting to talk to me, it's over, it's from 'ages ago' (ie, June), etc. But it doesn't matter either way - the present was still kept at work, hidden and brought home by him.

I'm doing the therapy as I think 10+ years deserves it - I need to do it for myself to get to a point where I know I've given it all I could. I know I'll regret it if I don't. And if it doesn't work out then I move on. Trying to be pragmatic rather than falling apart at the moment.

I've got a messaged typed and ready for the husband, but figure I'll get more out of it if it remains a threat. If we divorce, I'll send it the day the financial order is signed.

Did you tell her husband?

I certainly would tell him

I'd save the money on therapy. No therapy would get him to respect you the way you need to be respected. I'd feel like a right mug doing all this to try and 'save' something he couldn't give one shit about. I'd rather just cut the losses and work on my own happiness.

Yes I can understand why holding the threat could be useful. I hope you let her know, that you can carry that threat out at any point. Did she even apologise?
You say very little about your husbands stance, that he didn't/ couldn't throw away a gift from her speaks volumes. What a bloody idiot he is.

I’ve been were you are and unless you tell her Husband then ‘their’ precious secret is safe and the bubble remains untouched and will reignite at some point. So if your marriage really stands a chance then you need to tell him. If you divorce there is no benefit to telling him and would be just out of spite. Also the counselling only works once they are telling the truth (again from experience)

This sounds tough. My gut feeling is that by saying they’ve agreed that nothing will happen but continuing to work alongside each other, he is biding his time. He’s keeping you and the kids on the one hand but has possibilities with this woman too. I think he wants to have his cake and eat it. The fact he’s been googling divorce suggests more has already happened or will do. So I think you should google divorce yourself and see a solicitor. Start gathering relevant documents. As you do this, let’s see the steps he takes to make it up to you. He won’t leave the ‘dream job’ but what else will he do? I’m guessing very little. And if you don’t just smile and accept everything, he will blame you for not being able to work through things and pushing him into the other woman’s arms. Would he be ok with you working alongside a man in similar circumstances? Of course not. He has lied and lied and I suspect made you doubt yourself. I’d find it very difficult to trust him again. You didn’t find out because he told you but because you looked on his laptop. Get yourself organised practically and see how he behaves over the next few weeks and then you may need to make some tough decisions. It sounds like he thinks he holds all the cards and you don’t want to be caught by surprise again. I’m sorry you are going through this, good luck x

Leaving the company won't make your relationship safe. I'm sure he will find another woman in another company. He was considering leaving you, I'm guessing this woman as knocked him back and that is the only reason he hasn't left. As you have only moved back recently I wouldn't be surprised if he was looking for an out anyway and will soon latch on to another woman. I'd never trust him or feel secure in the relationship again.

Firstly, so sorry for what you're going through - he sounds like such a coward. Please tell the husband though. Divorce could take a long time and he's oblivious at the moment - he deserves the truth in the same way you did. Plus as others have said, it forces their affair properly into the open.

Is he engaging with the couples counselling (during and outside the session)? It doesn't sound like it if he's truth trickling and bringing home gifts. I'd save the money personally and put it towards a lawyer or your own personal therapy. This man left you a while ago, he's just waiting for her to give him the signal.

Rather than changing all his passwords he should be making his phone and laptop completely open to you, that is, if he is really trying to atone for the affair and hoping to rebuild some kind of trust. Doesn't sound like he is though. Take care of yourself, OP, if the therapy helps you figure out what you want then carry on with it. It's a brutal betrayal.

I have never understood people saying this. It's like showing him how horrific his life will be - so you better stay with me? Who wants a man on that basis?

You're fucked.

To be blunt.

OP, as kindly as possible I would save the money on a couples therapist and save it for divorce. The issue here is he lied over and over and keeps lying to you. He is not remorseful he betrayed you just that he was caught and it made sneaking around to fuck her harder. I know this sounds harsh but you will never trust him again. He chose another woman over you. He betrayed you emotionally and physically and lied for months. He would still be doing it if you hadn't found out. I would bet anything he still is doing it. He doesn't care about your feelings. He is a selfish twat. How can you get past that? Now he knows how to hide it better in the future. OP you deserve better. Tell her husband, file for divorce and let him lie with the dogs where he belongs.

gather your evidence and tell her husband at the very least. She’ll know that you know once you do that even if your husband doesn’t tell her.

Wise words completely agree

Move fast to organise yourself financially and put everything in place to now restart your career. You have a window of time to do this.

He is planning to divorce op. You have proof and have seen this with your own eyes. Don’t sit there and wait for the axe to fall. Gather your life and get some proper advice. Don’t beg him to stay. Start planning life without him.

Divorce him while he's earning double?

I would find a good solicitor and possibly research forensic accountants. Line everything up while you are still undecided- my suspicion would be that even if you try to move past this, it won’t be the last time it happens and I imagine you’ll be happier if you divorce and you don’t live with the haunting expectation of him announcing he’s leaving.

I’m so sorry @rosamundos . I really hope you get through this as smoothly and with the least conflict possible.

I don't think yoy should be vindictive regarding her dh OP. If you think he should know for his sake then tell him now, not as some sort of vindctive stunt when you get a divorce.
Your dh would crawl on glass to OW if she'd divorce her dh. In your heart you know that. He's been looking up divorce already.
Have some dignity and kick him out.

It is the truth. There is nothing ‘vindictive’ about the truth.

Everyone deserves to know what and who they are living with, spending their lives with. I find it extraordinary that anyone would even consider keeping it a secret. The ow’s dh has a right to know the truth. .

Just send it. The poor man deserves to know and you’re just as bad if you keep it as a secret and a threat. Send the pictures of the messages and then kick your husband out. You need to find a job so you have financial security.

How much more can he add to the drip drip, that you could consider forgivable?
He has consistently lied to you, both outright and by omission.

I don't think any of it, including his behaviour now, is forgivable.
He is still putting himself (and possibly her) first.

I think send the message to the OWs husband now.

Suspect OW will be devastated, and your DH will blame you and be angry/upset at you.

This will show you who he really prioritises.

Save your counselling money for the divorce.

I see why you want to try therapy, but in the long run it will just mask over the cracks.
If he had come clean at the start it might have had a chance.
I could never forget the lie and lie, in the future you will never know what is true and what isn't. He will become better at hiding things.
See your lawyer friend and get the ball rolling from your perspective. I don't think you can genuinely love him after what he has done.
You have a lot of evidence so he won't be able to gaslight you so easily.
I would tell the woman's husband. How would you feel if the roles were reversed. I would also send him some evidence as she might have already done a whitewash job on you describing you as a mad jealous wide of a co-worker.