Husband’s new job & emotional affair

[rosamundos]

Hi bit lost as to what to do next. We recently moved back to the U.K. as we were working abroad (where we had our 3 young children) for several years. Move instigated by DH’s ‘big’ new job, suddenly he became the earner & I ‘stalled’ my career to settle kids into school / move countries etc.

His behaviour the past month has been awful, and I felt in my gut something was up. He denied and denied. Tonight he was out and I checked his laptop - basically revealing (what he claims is) an emotion affair. He was googling divorce, how to handle the fallout of an affair etc.

The affair is with a woman at the new ‘big’ job who he works with on a daily basis. She’s also married with kids. He claims they had a discussion last week, after getting back from a 3 day long company ‘off site’, where they agreed nothing could happen as they didn’t want to risk families. I said I can’t be with him if he continues to work with her. But he says he can’t leave, it’s his dream job, he earns double his previous salary etc. He’s right in that he wouldn’t land anything like this again.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him he needs to tell her I know all about it. I will go to her husband if it continues. But he will still see her daily etc. I feel so sad and humiliated and like he’s leading a double life. No idea if it went beyond ‘emotional’, he claims not but I’d say that too (which I said to him). I don’t trust anything he says. I can see myself in a never ending paranoia where I sneak checks at his phone and question everything. If he doesn’t leave the company, what rules does he have to follow to make this even slightly viable?

Sorry. Feeling so confused and sad for my kids. Would appreciate opinions or experience.

Send it now.

He deserves to make decisions about his relationship like you wanted about yours.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

sorry if I’ve missed it but have you said what your husband actually wants to do in this? Has he said sorry even and shown remorse? I’m guessing from the half arsed attempt at placating you with couples therapy and cancelling a work trip he is telling you he wants to be with you and save your marriage?? His actions really don’t add up though to what he is saying. You have found him lying on numerous occasions, bringing the present home is obviously a ploy so that you deliberately catch him out! He has already been googling divorce ffs, he has imagined his life without you, and not just slept with another women but appears to have some deeper connection that ‘completes’ him.

He sounds like a coward saying everything to avoid telling you he wants to separate whilst actually showing you that is exactly what he wants, and making you be the bad guy to have the guts to end it, which is exactly what you need to do- at the moment he is having his cake, and eating a whole other cake too! It’s all his own way.

I get that you feel 10yrs deserves therapy, this has been a shock, you’re grieving your relationship so it will take time to accept- but look at his actions- he won’t leave his job, meaning he won’t leave her - even if he did then your relationship has already irrevocably changed as he has bought someone else into it. This is not fair on you at all but you need to accept people change- he is not ‘yours’ anymore. Maybe consider using the therapy time to work on communication skills and what your lives could look like once you are separated to keep things amicable for your children?

Ahhh yes, the trickle truth (good choice of words) is fun. What will happen next is the ‘I can’t remember’ phase and then the ‘you need to get over it now’ phase.

OP my heart goes out to you as I was in the same position 4 years ago only I was married for 31 years.

Same scenario, work affair. I had suspicions, he denied it. All the gaslighting, omg the gaslighting, then I found out for certain.
That was it, it was over for me. Of course he still tried to deny it, asked if we could work it out, but I was done.

I told OW’s husband straight away as in my opinion, he should know what is going on in his marriage. He had his suspicions I just confirmed it to him because ow (like my ex) was too cowardly to admit to having an affair.

In my opinion, you are flogging a dead horse, he isn’t sorry, he is only sorry he got caught and it shows you how much respect and empathy he has for YOU, because he didn’t tell you the full story when you found out, you’ve said it yourself it’s the drip, drip, drip of information. He isn’t protecting you or your family, he is protecting himself and the ow.

I really do wish you all the best, but I think you need to be prepared for the emotional turmoil you are going to go through if you stay with him, you are always going to be worried about where he is, who he is talking to, is he with her etc.

It is such a shame that you have it in your heart to recognise you have had 10 years of marriage behind you, brought your children into your marriage and you feel all of that deserves therapy to try to save your marriage, when he didn’t have those exact same thoughts and feelings when he embarked on his affair.

I think you're deluding yourself with the therapy, and wasting good money. Your H is a cheat and a repetitive liar. He's not going to change. I'd be meeting again with that London lawyer friend of yours and getting the ball rolling on the divorce. How could you ever trust or love this man again after what he's done to you? I'm guessing he's still not willing to leave the "big" job?

I don’t think this is a good idea. Yes, leave your DH but with your head held high.
Never piss off a person you don’t know or haven’t met, especially with devastating news that is life changing and can easily lead to repurcussions/violence. You don’t know what the husband is capable of, nor how much it may devastate their kids lives.
What they have done is vile. Let them sit with that. Focus on a brighter future. You deserve better than all of this

Firstly, I am so sorry this has happened. The trauma from infidelity is very real and trickle truth just makes that trauma so much worse. It’s painful trying so hard to heal and then finding out you need to heal from a bigger disclosure.

I am not one of the LTB people. Your agency has been stolen from you by these selfish, entitled individuals and you need to do what you need to do to feel that you have made the right choice.

FWIW he has had a limerant affair, the powerful feelings he has for this woman were a way of him justifying what he was doing to you and his family, it helps him feel he is a ‘good person in the throes of love’ not a dirty rotten cheat. He created a narrative that suits what he wanted to do, it’s called cognitive dissonance BUT he is STILL there.

He is agreeing to counselling and will be doing sad sap sorry face because you have something over them both, HER husband does not know. I warn you that he and her are still most likely very much in touch and right now the story they are creating is of true love not winning in the face of the cruel wife who could blow their world apart. He is protecting her, not you.

I am not saying this to be cruel it’s because affairs are so utterly formulaic, predictable and cliched. IMHO - and I know this is not a path you want to take - for him to truly feel any remorse you need to blow it all sky high and let the cards land where they do and that does mean telling the husband. You should have done this already.,

I know you want to save your marriage, I get that, I did too, and against all odds (and advice) I managed it and I am happily years down the line now but what I learnt is you have to be prepared to let go of the outcome.

Im not sure of this makes sense and I’m not convinced he’s worth your effort to make it work but I do get why you’d want to stay, but you need to do this in a way that actually is safer for you and all cards on the table is the only way.

Get a copy of Tracey Schorns book. Easy and quick to read and really helped me with dealing with my XH infidelity.
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

You don't have to leave as such as the book has a chapter on reconciliation too.
Her podcast is great too and this episode may help
https://www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/85-sexually-deceptive-people-an-interview-with-dr-omar-minwalla/

If he didn’t end it when he told you what makes you think it’s ended now? Even after he knows that it will destroy his family he can’t stop. He’s really not giving you anything to work with. What is the point of therapy when he’s not being honest. It’s not a magic pill that will cure his infatuation with a woman. I would be using the sessions to make him understand the impact on you and plans for separation.

He needs to spend his time working out how to make it right in a meaningful way. Instead he’s spending his time working out how he can hide this relationship which in his own words he can’t give up. It sounds like she’s not willing to break up her family so let him live with the consequences of his choices. Choose yourself and leave him. Show him you respect yourself even if he doesn’t.

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1. get a job and rebuild your career
2. gather proof of infidelity, file for divorce and get a big financial package/alimony
3. Tell her husband. She can’t just destroy yiur marriage and her have no consequences
4. Find a new much you ger boyfriend and live your life to the max

How can you trust him if they still work together, and if they don’t, let alone ever again.
How did it supposedly end.
I expect you’re going through daily torture. It’ must be absolutely sickening for you 💐

He has ended your marriage. No amount of therapy will fix it. If you stay, you will never ever have peace of mind again and it will eat you alive. Trust me it’s not worth spending your life poking at a corpse. Leave him and make a better life for yourself. This is not your fault and you deserve better.

You are a better person than I am OP.
I'd be packing his bags and sending him on his way.

Life is too short to be so disrespected and have your feelings trampled all over.
That he has been looking up divorce would galvanise me to make the first move.

I'm doing the therapy as I think 10+ years deserves it

Shame he didn't think the same....

If he won’t leave the job then I would divorce.

Once they are googling things like divorce they have a path in their mind. It may not be instant but the seed is there. They can deny that we ever talked about you or other partner, that they never talked about a future together as we knew it couldn't really happen. Trickle truth goes on for ages - yes it stopped then we only messaged each other as we had no one to talk to about how we were feeling. Blah blah. It is the sheer disrespect! Guess what? They are married now! It didn't happen instantly but a few years after discovery and him begging to stay. Like a naive fool I agreed only to continue the horror.
As regards not telling the other partner, I was not told. I found out a year after it had " ended" and was so angry with that person who had let me live that lie.

You don’t google about divorce and the fall out from an affair with a crush.
Crush doesn’t go beyond bounds of work, nothing more than a bit of eye contact and heart flutters.
An emotional affair suggests a connection on a personal level, sharing information, talking about feelings, OTT out of work communication, hiding messages - it’s usually a cover for a full blown affair imo.

If he stays in that job you won’t feel any security in your marriage and it will eat away at you and make you ill and unhappy. Sadly I don’t think you have a choice if he won’t leave work but to leave him. As said before he needs to put you and your marriage before a job. Also again as others said don’t make him feel like it is you being unreasonable asking him to leave. He brought this situation upon himself. Also the googling divorce would make me question how serious he is at making amends.

Hi @rosamundos. How is everything working out for you with H?

Friend went through this. She told the husband. Accessed emails and told the employer and her DH and other woman never worked together again.

@Glitchymn1 Did your friend stay with her DH post-affair? How are things between them now, if you know? The reason I ask is because I'm going through something similar.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Yes she did. Is doing well, seems happy. He did a lot of grovelling and she really humiliated him at the time, he was mortified and so was the other woman.
He had been texting OW on his honeymoon, nothing sexual happened, purely emotional, but worse in a way.