Husband’s new job & emotional affair

[rosamundos]

Hi bit lost as to what to do next. We recently moved back to the U.K. as we were working abroad (where we had our 3 young children) for several years. Move instigated by DH’s ‘big’ new job, suddenly he became the earner & I ‘stalled’ my career to settle kids into school / move countries etc.

His behaviour the past month has been awful, and I felt in my gut something was up. He denied and denied. Tonight he was out and I checked his laptop - basically revealing (what he claims is) an emotion affair. He was googling divorce, how to handle the fallout of an affair etc.

The affair is with a woman at the new ‘big’ job who he works with on a daily basis. She’s also married with kids. He claims they had a discussion last week, after getting back from a 3 day long company ‘off site’, where they agreed nothing could happen as they didn’t want to risk families. I said I can’t be with him if he continues to work with her. But he says he can’t leave, it’s his dream job, he earns double his previous salary etc. He’s right in that he wouldn’t land anything like this again.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him he needs to tell her I know all about it. I will go to her husband if it continues. But he will still see her daily etc. I feel so sad and humiliated and like he’s leading a double life. No idea if it went beyond ‘emotional’, he claims not but I’d say that too (which I said to him). I don’t trust anything he says. I can see myself in a never ending paranoia where I sneak checks at his phone and question everything. If he doesn’t leave the company, what rules does he have to follow to make this even slightly viable?

Sorry. Feeling so confused and sad for my kids. Would appreciate opinions or experience.

If someone thought so little of me they were googling divorce it would already be over for me. You'll always feel second best and wonder now but you deserve better.

Yeah I mean he was googling how to divorce you yet apparently doesn't even have this OWs phone number... Yeah right.

It's not a book
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

Yes, I think I'd tell the husband

@rosamundosI’d tell the husband , I wouldn’t tell their work though. They likely wouldn’t care. You’ll embarrass yourself.

I would tell the husband too. Not in a malicious way, but because I think he should know what’s been going on. I would not tell work as him losing his job is not in your best interests. My DH was a partner in an American firm and this would have resulted in disciplinary action or dismissal, of course his work may not take that view, I am just surmising.

All of my life savings on the fact that he is is still lying through his teeth. I’m so sorry OP. I imagine more will come out and that this has gone further than he wants you to know.

Im sorry @rosamundos you don’t deserve this. After all you have done for him he is treating you like an option. He was considering what his life would be like without you. Now you know about it and he doesn’t want that option to be taken away. But he’s not giving you what you need to make a decision…honesty.

What did you find to reveal the affair if there were no chats? Did he only confess based on his internet searches?

Did he admit to considering divorce?

He needs to be truthful and show you their messages. His story doesn’t add up, he knows it and you know it. How can you forgive if you don’t know what you are forgiving?

Do not stay in a relationship where you are not 100% sure you are getting the truth. The uncertainty will make you a shell of your former self. Don’t give him that power over you.

His employer wont give a FF about an employees affair lol

Eh that very much depends on their role in comparison to each other and what the industry is.

His contract could well include a clause about relationships in the workplace because they come with an inherent risk to reputation, conflict of interest and a high risk to poor decision making and risk assessment.

I’m so sorry OP, this is so shattering to discover. As a PP said, you can take all the time you need to process this and do not have to be under any obligation to commit to deciding how you feel, or what you do next, right now.
Im sad to say that this type of betrayal of trust is so often the beginning of the end, despite what happens now, death by a thousand cuts. You will become a shell of your former self, constantly paranoid and wanting to check his phone, second guessing your instincts. wondering where he is if late home, if she’s there. What about other work trips? How will you cope with the anxiety of that? He’s still working with her, seeing her all the time. He has such ample opportunity to stray if he wants to, may well still be hiding things and realistically is probably most sorry that he got caught. He didn’t just idly think about it - he googled divorce! They actually sat there and talked about having an affair. And that’s if you believe that is as far as it got.
Protect yourself and proceed with couples therapy with caution. Is he honestly suggesting that in good faith or is he panicking? Still trying to control the narrative and making it seem like a shared problem when really it’s his fuck up?
Rebuilding trust is utterly painstaking and for it to stand any chance between you he needs to leave that job and cut all contact with her and give you complete access to his phone. No more secrets, full disclosure. You also need the complete truth, anything less is him being utterly emotionally abusive as you can only decide how you proceed if you have all the facts, otherwise you are rebuilding things based on lies and deceit. It doesn’t matter that it’s his dream job - he is the one who fucked it, not you, and that’s the consequence. He doesn’t get to just carry on as if everything is fine. Again, I’m so sorry, it’s a feeling like no other.

What a fucker to do this after a big move, does he want his children to face more change? And what a way to repay his wife who has sacrificed for this move, it's absolutely vile behaviour, selfish in the extreme.

If he won't leave then the temptation will remain, their relationship will continue. It doesn't sound like you can cone back from it because if he's willing to do this when you've just moved and have three young children, then he's willing to do it anytime, the stakes cdnt be higher than now.

A big difference. A crush is usually one sided and something you experience without acting on, or particularly wanting to act on, in any way. You usually keep a crush to yourself too (unless you're a teenager with a crush on a pop star). An emotional affair is where both parties are engaged. They share private thoughts, secrets and feelings with each other and a closeness that would normally be reserved for their partner. They "invest" in each other. Emotional affairs almost always escalate to physical affairs in a short space of time.

OP my suggestion is that whatever decision you make, you need make it under the assumption that this affair was also physical.

This.

This is nowhere near good enough Op.

So far you have no idea if it was physical, no proof he’s ended the affair, no commitment to him not continuing or any visibility of what he’s doing with her on a day to day basis. He’s made absolutely no commitment to make any changes, done nothing to demonstrate he’s actually not just wanting to have his cake and eat it and suggested counselling which frankly sounds like a smoke screen to enable him to continue.

All you do know is that he has had an affair, has looked into divorce, probably seen how much it will cost him and made him pause and / or OW has said she’s the one not willing to leave (at them mo). He’s now saying he’s committed to his family but he’s doing absolutely nothing to show what that means. He also sounds like it’s his kids not his marriage he’s worried about losing - you’re part of the package. But it’s you he’s also betrayed for an OW and I would want to feel reassured he’s not just wanting you in relation to mothering his kids and keeping the home fires burning so he can keep his precious career. He needs to love, revere and respect you as his wife in your own right, not just a mother.

At the very least you need full and total transparency and to be satisfied he’s shown and told you everything, the truth - he’s not even close. There are so so many holes in this account. I wouldn’t even entertain any further conversations about reconciliation unless he can do this.

You’ve given up your career and moved your family across the world for him. In an ideal world he would voluntarily give up his job but I think in these circumstances it’s perhaps not as straightforward as that - you have all made sacrifices for this job, and even if he has cheated and is genuine about making change I can see how giving up a job that will support his family is a risk particularly if you now might leave anyway. I wouldn’t however accept the status quo - you can’t remain sane and he can’t be trusted while he’s working with her everyday. So I would put the problem back on him - if he’s not willing to give his job up, what is he going to do to prove his commitment and remove himself from this woman’s orbit.

While ofcourse you won’t want to break your family up, he’s already pushed you into a situation where this might be the only realistic outcome. That’s on him, but you probably will be in a good financial position to split so do have that conversation with the solicitor and make it clear to him you’re dead serious that it’s a very real possibility unless he can demonstrate without doubt his commitment, honesty and transparency. And you withhold that right to pull the plug at any point whenever he even sniffs at proving himself everyday.

I really think though that he has just pushed this underground and I wouldn’t hesitate in altering the husband of the OW.

He said he told the OW this morning (at work....) I had found out, but I've done a lot of snooping on his icloud via his iPad and I think he had / has a hidden whats app chat with her on his phone. He'd screengrabbed my what's app message finding out last night and I think he sent it to her.

@rosamundos has he told you he’s actually ended it or just told her you know? I cannot fathom how anyone can have a chat about whether they fancy leaving their spouses or not, but realise it’s probably a bit of a pain in the arse in terms of disrupting their families so let’s leave it, and then expect to waltz back into family life like nothings happened? He’s taking the absolute piss!

He could well be buying time so they can plan how to leave at the right time unfortunately

If you couldn't find her number is his phone. Are you sure there's not a second phone?

I'd tell her partner. It's the right thing to do. Also a better chance of them not taking the affair underground.

I would bet my house on him having being physical with her. It's not just emotional. Noone Google's divorce for someone they haven't even kissed.

Second-guessing what her husband is doing, thinking, saying, hiding is a huge emotional burden for the OP, and I guarantee that he is in mitigation mode to tell the OP the bare minimum that he thinks will buy him time. ‘I’ll do anything not to break up my family’ - well, he would say that, wouldn’t he. OP could expend huge energy going to counselling, ‘supporting’ him through his hand-wringing and angst, listening to his rationale, but really the shortcut is for her to ask herself ‘do I want to live in this state of chronic hurt and uncertainty, the humiliation and the betrayal, and to be made feel responsible for his rehabilitation, or has the line in the sand already been crossed?’ OP needs to concentrate on herself, and choose the future she wants. As a battle-weary soldier who chose the counselling, angst, rehab, and still ended up betrayed, I can say I tried but I wish I’d saved my energy and said ‘nope.’

An update to anyone interested and anyone who comes across the 'emotional affair only' story in the future - you were right, it was both physical and emotional. And it did not end when he said it did. I think he'd basically fallen in love with her (and maybe still loves her) as he was WhatsApping a friend over a month later saying she 'completes and enriches' him, and he didn't think he could end it. Then he changed all his google/icloud and iPhone password so I could no longer access it (I screengrabbed & filed everything).

From the point of discovery, he continued to delete texts, hide conversations, go for work lunches, receive gifts. I found the gift from her, along with a card (painting of a naked woman), last week. He brought it back home which is mind-blowing - and he can't really explain why.

Anyway, we're now in therapy with a very expensive therapist, but I don't know what I want or if I can ever get over this. My world really has ended, and I don't even know who I was married to.

So the message is: if your gut tells you it wasn't just 'emotional' and it's not 'over' please, please trust your gut. It's been right every time for me.

OP I’m so sorry this is how things have unfolded. Absolute low life. You don’t deserve the pain and suffering he’s caused you and just hoping you have a good support network. Do get the best legal advice you can afford. Be extra kind to yourself too.

Ughhhhh I think you need to ditch the joint therapy and your H you are worth so much more.

I completely feel for you op, I could have written your post a few years ago.

Trouble was it took me 3 years to find out it was physical as well as emotional. We are now divorced. The thing for me was that when I found their messages, he had the opportunity to tell me the truth, but rather than giving that to me, which would have given me that ability to make an informed decision regarding our relationship, he once again, put his own wants and needs above my feelings.

I hope you’re having individual counselling sessions to, so you can decide what’s best for you and your dc

OP, I'm so sorry, you must be broken hearted.

If he's saying he loved her and still bringing her gifts home, I think he's checked out.

Put yourself first and don't let this continue. You deserve so much better than this x