Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I give him 1 last chance?

123 replies

Newchapter25 · 07/06/2025 23:04

I have been with my husband for many years, we have children. I’ve never been with anyone else. As far as I knew he hadn’t either. It should have been the fairytale story, it pretty much was other than he always had a bit of a viscous tongue but the last couple of years it got bad, daily verbal abuse, putting me down, compulsive lying, being glued to his locked down phone and even randomly hiding things in the house. I then discovered that he had been speaking with sx workers online for the majority if not all of our relationship, leaving very graphic reviews of meets that took place and viewing other people’s reviews on a daily basis, this also coincided with an alleged prn / virtual world addiction that came to light at the same time. Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

Since the discovery, he has taken steps to seek counselling (joint with me and individual) and seems to be very remorseful about what he did now that he has lost everything, I am receiving regular apologies. I can see he is really trying but I can also see glimpses of the behaviour coming through still, I understand that changes don’t happen overnight though.

We are separated currently and I have said that at the moment I can’t see past what has happened nor can I see a world where we can make things work as I see him differently and still don’t believe I know everything but equally this break up has me so broken and I can’t help feeling I should give him a chance to show his regret is real and permanent changes have been made. What if I regret not trying and pulling my family unit apart. What if I regret staying, if he hasn’t knocked the unacceptable behaviour on the head and it’s all a big manipulation to get me back. I don’t know what life is without him by my side. He swears he never actually met the s*x workers and is very convincing when making these claims but the evidence shows otherwise.

Has anyone else been in a similar boat to this? I really don’t know what to do 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:12

@Eagle2025 I actually said to him how would he feel if our daughter’s future husband treated her like this, he said he wouldn’t like it, which begs the question why is it ok for me to accept?

the websites are separate, they book through adult work then review on uk punting which is just full of these men eyeing up their next meet. I did ask for his adult work account but he deleted it and can’t get back in conveniently. There are reviews that could match up to his under different names but I’m not so confident on this side at the moment. It’s a scratch I need to itch with detective work if possible

OP posts:
MagicalMystical · 09/06/2025 17:14

I would counsel you to not delve into the detail and extent of what he got up to.

What you already know about what he's been doing behind your back and have experienced from him yourself (the emotional abuse, the short fuse with the kids) is all already enough for you to sensibly walk away.

You will be more likely to find peace and closure quicker if you stick to your own experience and don't overstep into that world he inhabits in secret.

I am concerned that you mention that you feel you need to be around when he's with the kids as he has a short fuse so this raises a red flag for me that he needs to only have supervised access to them while they're young.

Eagle2025 · 09/06/2025 17:15

Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:12

@Eagle2025 I actually said to him how would he feel if our daughter’s future husband treated her like this, he said he wouldn’t like it, which begs the question why is it ok for me to accept?

the websites are separate, they book through adult work then review on uk punting which is just full of these men eyeing up their next meet. I did ask for his adult work account but he deleted it and can’t get back in conveniently. There are reviews that could match up to his under different names but I’m not so confident on this side at the moment. It’s a scratch I need to itch with detective work if possible

Or the idea of men viewing his daughter as nothing more than an object.

It sounds quite complicated so I guess maybe better to do a clean break and forget the detective work. It seems to point towards he has met them anyway.

Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:34

So I tried calling the number and it’s no longer in use, also no more recent reviews and she hasn’t logged into the website where I found her number for 3 months which coincides with our separation. Imagine if he’s got with the escort, nothing is unbelievable at this point 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:36

Re supervised visits, he is a “good dad” on the surface and not physical but my worry is more how manipulative he can be and he has a shorter fuse than me so much less patience to deal with things. Hopefully if he’s only having them a couple of days a week his fuse will be longer and he’ll cope better

OP posts:
Eagle2025 · 09/06/2025 17:37

Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:34

So I tried calling the number and it’s no longer in use, also no more recent reviews and she hasn’t logged into the website where I found her number for 3 months which coincides with our separation. Imagine if he’s got with the escort, nothing is unbelievable at this point 🤦‍♀️

Was it lots of different women he was reviewing or just a select few?

Missj25 · 09/06/2025 17:46

Eagle2025 · 09/06/2025 17:07

@Newchapter25 you might have already done this- can you create a quick profile and see what's actually required to leave a review? Does the sex worker have the option to remove a review if she thinks it's fake and not a man she has met? That might indicate if he is being honest when he says he hasnt met any of them.

That’s a very good idea , create a profile …

OP , when you asked him why , why did he use sex worker’s, what did he say ?
As in you are his wife , if he wasn’t feeling fulfilled sexually, why didn’t he come speak to you about it ….

OchreRaven · 09/06/2025 17:57

Have you seen this thread from an ex-escort? Might give you some insight into his behaviour?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5348324-constant-accusations-wont-listen-to-anything-or-even-accept-proof-i-am-not-on-adult-websites

Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:57

only a few reviews over the years but comments on lots of different ones on other people’s posts.

I’ll try the account thing, thanks for the idea.

he said he signed up when young and stupidly didn’t see it as a big thing but he knows it is. He said it was nothing to do with me and no reflection on me. I do feel like this could change down the line along with the narrative but this is what he says at the moment.

OP posts:
Eagle2025 · 09/06/2025 18:15

Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 17:57

only a few reviews over the years but comments on lots of different ones on other people’s posts.

I’ll try the account thing, thanks for the idea.

he said he signed up when young and stupidly didn’t see it as a big thing but he knows it is. He said it was nothing to do with me and no reflection on me. I do feel like this could change down the line along with the narrative but this is what he says at the moment.

Remind me- did he say he kept posting stuff so his account didnt get deleted? Or something similar to that?

Unforgettablefire · 09/06/2025 18:20

Op I’ve just been reading through some more of these posts and I can’t see it said anywhere and you’re probably aware but a lot of the verbal abuse is guilt and he’s taking that out on you. It’s common apparently.
I had this too with an ex who was cheating, I couldn’t believe the way he changed he was vile.

You sound a really nice person and far too good for him. There’s a better life out there for you that you deserve go and get it.
There’s some lovely people on mn you can lean on when things are tough and can give you great advice. Sorry you’re going through this and also to the other ladies Flowers

Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 18:29

@Eagle2025 yeah so it didn’t get deleted and so he could read more reviews as apparently it was restricted to so many but the more you posted, the more it alllowrd you to read.

@Unforgettablefire thank you. That’s interes To know re the verbal abuse and guilt. Sorry to hear what you’ve been through too.

im now convinced he’s seeing the sex worker as she seems to be unreachable. I’ll try making an adult work account and see if I can find / contact her via that route. There are more but they’re from so long ago that the ladies wouldn’t remember, I’m sure if he did in fact attend that he wouldn’t have made such a long lasting impression on them…

OP posts:
Eagle2025 · 09/06/2025 18:33

Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 18:29

@Eagle2025 yeah so it didn’t get deleted and so he could read more reviews as apparently it was restricted to so many but the more you posted, the more it alllowrd you to read.

@Unforgettablefire thank you. That’s interes To know re the verbal abuse and guilt. Sorry to hear what you’ve been through too.

im now convinced he’s seeing the sex worker as she seems to be unreachable. I’ll try making an adult work account and see if I can find / contact her via that route. There are more but they’re from so long ago that the ladies wouldn’t remember, I’m sure if he did in fact attend that he wouldn’t have made such a long lasting impression on them…

So by making a profile you can see if that's true. Wont tell you if he did actually meet up with them but will at least give you an idea if it's all just lies.

Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 18:36

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

SpryCat · 09/06/2025 18:38

Reaching out to the sex worker might not get you anywhere, she would be shooting herself in the foot if she dobbed him in to you. If someone left her a review that she told on him to his wife, she would be finished.
His Kink might get darker the more he feeds into his addiction and he might experiment in riskier and illegal sexual pursuits.
I think you would be so much happier without him, you have nothing to feel guilty about leaving him.

Tina294 · 09/06/2025 18:40

You were kind enough OP to forgive him before - and what did he do in return? He fucked all over your kindness. I wouldn't trust this nasty piece of scum for a second. You deserve a million times better.

Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/06/2025 18:56

I have replied but my post is being reviewed by mumsnet so hopefully will pop up soon

OP posts:
SpryCat · 09/06/2025 19:36

When one partner has an addiction, whether it’s gambling, alcohol, drugs or porn, it destroys so much trust and love. You have a choice whether to leave, to choose you and your DC’s happiness or stay and be destroyed by it. I know you feel like you guilty if you leave’ like your abandoning him but the truth is he abandoned you a long time ago. Your children need a happy and stable home and you won’t be able to provide that if you stay with an addict.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/06/2025 19:43

@Newchapter25

  • Freedom, I can have friends & family

This is the clincher. No more chances. Finish it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2025 13:59

I thought no before even opening, but please don't stay with him just because you lost your virginity to him. It's meaningless social construct. I stayed with my first guy for 9 years and he also cheating on me when we were ended.
Sleeping with someone else feels scary before you do it but a good guy will be understanding and possibly even like that about you, that he gets to show you new tricks etc
There is great sex and great dates out there (as well as bad) my sex life got so much better after breaking up with my first love

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2025 14:00

Coralleadery · 07/06/2025 23:22

I can’t get past the viscous tongue

and no, of course you shouldn’t

Indeed, vicious tongue is bad enough and enough of a reason to not live with someone.
Once he knows what he can be forgiven for someone this nasty with so little respect for you will only get worse

Original poster
Newchapter25 · 09/08/2025 08:48

Hi, OP here. I know this is an old post but I always like to see updates when following a thread so posting mine in case anyone was invested.

i have now filed for divorce and am working on moving forwards separately. I am still very much struggling with the guilt (I know 😮‍💨) and navigating the whole separation in terms of emotions but also the paperwork and financial negotiations etc but somehow it still feels less stressful than my day to day life when we were together… nobody in my ear getting on at me, making me feel not enough.

I never did manage to reach out to the s*x worker, she didn’t reply but at the end of the day I don’t know what is worse, doing everything BUT the meets and making up fake reviews in such graphic detail to sound so real OR actually doing the acts, they’re both bad.

Now that I am out, I am grieving what I thought we had and what I thought oir
future looked like but am starting to look forward to my new future with my kids. I can see the manipulation much more clearly now that I am out of the fog as well.

thank you to everyone who supported me on here, you all helped me to get to this point.i have a hard, rocky road ahead of me but this time next year i hope to be in a much more content and settled position

OP posts:
Missj25 · 09/08/2025 09:16

Hey OP ..
Sounds to me like you are on that road to a more content & settled place already ☺️
Well done cause it’s so hard …
Better things are definitely coming & isn’t it lovely to have your children , that you are not alone ..
I hope you & your children have a very healthy & happy life ..
X x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page