Should I give him 1 last chance?

[Newchapter25]

I have been with my husband for many years, we have children. I’ve never been with anyone else. As far as I knew he hadn’t either. It should have been the fairytale story, it pretty much was other than he always had a bit of a viscous tongue but the last couple of years it got bad, daily verbal abuse, putting me down, compulsive lying, being glued to his locked down phone and even randomly hiding things in the house. I then discovered that he had been speaking with sx workers online for the majority if not all of our relationship, leaving very graphic reviews of meets that took place and viewing other people’s reviews on a daily basis, this also coincided with an alleged prn / virtual world addiction that came to light at the same time. Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

Since the discovery, he has taken steps to seek counselling (joint with me and individual) and seems to be very remorseful about what he did now that he has lost everything, I am receiving regular apologies. I can see he is really trying but I can also see glimpses of the behaviour coming through still, I understand that changes don’t happen overnight though.

We are separated currently and I have said that at the moment I can’t see past what has happened nor can I see a world where we can make things work as I see him differently and still don’t believe I know everything but equally this break up has me so broken and I can’t help feeling I should give him a chance to show his regret is real and permanent changes have been made. What if I regret not trying and pulling my family unit apart. What if I regret staying, if he hasn’t knocked the unacceptable behaviour on the head and it’s all a big manipulation to get me back. I don’t know what life is without him by my side. He swears he never actually met the s*x workers and is very convincing when making these claims but the evidence shows otherwise.

Has anyone else been in a similar boat to this? I really don’t know what to do 😔

No guilt, @Newchapter25. No guilt or shame to be carried by you, the guilt and shame are his burden to tote.
Even if he has an addiction it is never an excuse for what he is doing, he is still responsible for his actions and it is his responsibility to stop this behaviour and get professional help to stop this behaviour, if he cannot do it alone. Not yours.
Whether he is a common or garden cheat or a sex addict matters not at all: the behaviour is unacceptable, the behaviour must stop and it is his responsibility to do that.
We are all responsible for our own choices and behaviour. Addicts can still choose, it is obviously much harder for a genuine addict but nevertheless, it’s still a choice. AA will tell you that stopping any addiction is your responsibility and you must be honest and accountable for your choices at all times.
You can sympathise with an addict, addiction is a terrible thing, but the sympathy ends there because it’s not up to anybody else to get them the help they need to stop.
Cheats and addicts alike lack honesty, personal responsibility and accountability.
All their own mess to deal with.

I was cheated on before OP , it was going on for 12 months & it broke me that time 😔 ..
Its a long time ago now , he worked with her ..
I would 💯 have preferred a sex worker , hurts so much more when they care for the other person .. There was plenty of signs there , he never really wanted to have sex with me & starting rows with me , distant ..
It fucks over your self esteem & confidence, but when you’re away from it long enough , you will come to realise it’s not you , & it really isn’t ..
If they have that personality, well then they just have it 🤷🏻‍♀️..
It’s just in them , if that makes sense ..
He left me that time for her , I wanted to marry him ( lucky escape for me ) ..
He did the Exact same thing to her few years into their relationship, all that is a long time ago , but he ended up on his own , no kids , no partner , no fuck all ! , yeah he holds down a job , that’s about it ..
Serial cheats remain cheats all their life , but ultimately end up alone ..
You’re a good person OP & for the right man will make a lovely partner…
There is someone out there for the future you x

It's funny because I was cheated on with sex workers and I would have preferred it if it was someone he knew. If it was someone he knew like a colleague there is an element of it happening 'naturally' and happening because some feelings or connection might have happened which in itself doesnt make someone a bad person. But to find out my partner not only cheated on me but paid good money to cheat on me, arranged it, picked women off a website like ordering from an argos catalogue. Chose exactly what characteristics he wanted. It made it so much worse in my head. Not to mention the morality of using sex workers.

@Newchapter25 If your relationship was ‘perfect’ other than his addiction to sex workers then maybe there was a scenario where you could have accepted it and not asked questions (because the likelihood of him changing permanently are slim).

But what you have said about your relationship and what life is like without him, points to him being emotionally abusive.

It’s understandable that leaving the only partner you have ever known is terrifying. But the alternative of living with him and his addictions for the rest of your life is much worse. You will be ok. You just need to accept that there will be a period of time that is very challenging for both of you. He’ll be ok and so will you. And you will be better without him.

He can still have a relationship with your children and in time you can be friendly if that’s what you both want. You don’t have a sex life now anyway so it won’t be that different other than he will not be in your space and you get to control how you want to live. That sounds glorious doesn’t it?

Everyone is different pp , I get what you are saying too ..
For me , I hated that he cared so much for her , that when he turned his back to me in bed , no goodnight, not wanting sex, was cause I wasn’t her , not wanting to spend time with me …. Always in great form going to work , in great form because she would be there ..
Rejection feels pretty shit …
Yes , i would have preferred a sex worker, someone he had no feelings for , sex that doesn’t mean anything to him , only once his needs are met …
I know you say the moral side of sex workers , I’m sorry if I sound bad , I’m just being honest ..

@Eagle2025 @Missj25 sorry to hear you’ve also been through rubbish times too. Why are they like this?!

I’ve said I can see both ways, I’m glad it wasn’t an emotional connection so glad it wasn’t an “affair” in that sense however agree that in other ways the sex workers thing is worse as they’ve intentionally seeked it out and think it’s ok to treat women like objects. Some of the reviews on that website were absolutely vile. Including my husband’s.

@Missj25 I get the emotional betrayal though and can see how deeply that would cut. I think both are just awful in different ways. X

@OchreRaven yes unfortunately he was emotionally abusive and can be very manipulative. You’re right, I just need to accept this period of processing and starting my new life and I’m sure we’ll all be be better for it. It’s just a massive shame that it ended up here after 18 years, just crazy. But it’s happened and I need to accept it.

I couldn't bring myself to read any reviews but I did contact one of them and explained i was the partner of someone who had been with her. One thing she said was to help her remember guys (guys who would want to meet up with her more than a one off) she would try to remember a basic thing about them like what job they did, as something she could chat to them about to make them think she remembered them and liked them. My partner seemed pretty pissed off when i mentioned that to him (i think a tiny bit of him believed she liked him and then obviously he had the realisation they dont and it's an act).

Anyway sorry was just thinking about it there. I am very glad I am not with him anymore as he also belittled me and put me down, common theme there!

No. He hasn’t respected you or your wedding vows in all this time why would he now just because he’s been caught. Again.
I’d be gone and I wouldn’t lie for him if people ask any questions.

@Eagle2025 see I really want to reach out to his “regular” but I’ve no idea what to say or if they’d give me the time of day as do they even care if their clients have partners? It sounds like the one you contacted was helpful though so could be worth a shot. I actually found the reviews not believing it was really him, turned out it was. They were very detailed and graphic and definitely in line with a kink he has that I don’t enjoy but did every so often to please him stupidly.

yep, same here, belittling, pulling me down when he could see I was drowning etc. when you take out the emotion and look at the facts purely it’s just unbelievable.

@Unforgettablefire anyone whose asked, I’ve told. I won’t go out of my way to smear his name but likewise, I’m not here to protect him. I’d love to know what he’s told his family. I can see that he is conjuring a plan to make him look like the victim in this somehow and me the mean crazy wife. Sadly for him I have evidence to counteract whatever way he tries to re-write the narrative if needed.

Vicious tongue and put downs
evidence of sex with sex workers
long history of porn addiction
signs of old behaviour still present

…. are you kidding me ? You think this makes a happy relation worth saving ?

you may be able to salvage a conscious uncoupling senario but a marriage = no

Of course he feels better “now the secret is out.” He knows that you have instantly recalibrated what is acceptable to you and if you take him back—as you did when you married him knowing he had these behaviors, he will feel free to resume them openly.

This is basically the fable if the frog and the scorpion. Look it up. It ends when the trusting frog is stung to death by the scorpion who can not refrain from his “custom” of stinging even to save his own life. Similarly, your dh will promise with tears in his eyes not to abuse you or cheat on you because he values your little family soooo much. But he will instantly reneg on this promise and destroy your family with no compunction and as you and your children stand in the wreckage of your lives he will say “but you knew who I was! You forgave me twice! You trusted me! So its all your fault.”

And sorry you are going through this …

OP , the truth is some men just have to be having sex with different women , that’s why they do it ..
I know a married guy ,lovely wife , inside & out , kids , financially very comfortable, families get on very well together , they have lovely holidays & they get on really well, like they’d be no fighting & arguing in this house , he would never speak badly of her, or to her & he wouldn’t leave her in a million years ..

I also know he has a mistress that he meets weekly for sex & will gladly sleep with others if the opportunity arises …
Now , wouldn’t you wonder there why ?????
I really do think for some men , they just have to have variety … stay the fuck single then ! ! they’re selfish & want kids & a wife aswel to come home to …

It was a fairly short exchange of texts. Basically saying men are in and out of her life all the time. She can tell the ones with partners a lot with signs like showering before leaving. It was quite blunt and business like the way she talked. Obviously a hardened woman. My partner had also messaged one where he said 'sorry to hear your not enjoying your work' so presumably someone with reviews mentioning she didnt seem so up for it, and he obviously didn't care! 😡

I would reach out too. What’s the worst that can happen? She doesn’t respond?

If she confirms your H has been with her then it really will be the final nail in the coffin and you don’t need to doubt it ever again. If she doesn’t respond or says she doesn’t think she’s been with him, then what you know and the way he has treated you is enough not to go back.

If you do contact her be very calm and appreciative of any help she can give you. Hopefully she’ll be sympathetic to you as I’m sure she is likely to have experienced abusive men in the past and know how it can mess with your head!

@OchreRaven @Eagle2025 maybe I could message her a mug shot of him and say do you know him, I’m his wife and we’re separated but I need to know if he met you in person for my own closure. And tell her that I won’t tell him in case she’s loyal to him / worried about losing business?

Yes something along the lines of

‘Hi, I am sorry for bothering you. My husband has left a review for your services. He has admitted the reviews but denied engaging with you. We have now separated for this (and other reasons) but he’s done such a good job of gaslighting me over the years part of me needs to know the truth so I can fully move on with my life. I appreciate you probably don’t want to get involved but if you know what it’s like to be made to feel crazy you’ll understand why I am asking. I hope you can throw me a bone and let me know if you recognise this man? That’s all I need to know. I will be divorcing him regardless. Thank you for any help you can give me.’

Yeah you could 🤷🏻‍♀️ , don’t know how honest she would be with you though..
How come your husband denying , when he sees you have seen he has left reviews?

@OchreRaven that’s really well worded, I’m actualy going to use that and amend slightly. (I’m let to believe English isn’t her first language and she may not understand full but again, this could be another lie).

@Missj25 he said that the reviews were fake, he made them up completely as part of a fantasy and to keep his membership on the website to enable him to read the reviews.

I’ll send the message off later and let you know if I receive a reply or not.

I also wonder when a man has a wife and kids how he would feel if it was his wife or daughter doing sex work- being used, having reviews left of their bodies and services.

@Newchapter25 you might have already done this- can you create a quick profile and see what's actually required to leave a review? Does the sex worker have the option to remove a review if she thinks it's fake and not a man she has met? That might indicate if he is being honest when he says he hasnt met any of them.

I really wouldn't go down the rabbit hole of messaging the sex worker (if that's what's being advised). Having lived for many years with an addict (porn and alcohol) I can assure you that reformed addicts are rarer than hens teeth. They are consumate liars and manipulators and will suck you into a black hole from which you will never escape or make sense of. Just because they are addicts doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own life for them. Take a tip from me (if not for you then for your children) and get out now. After years of brainwashing you are mourning the loss of a co-dependency (not a loving, stable relationship) and you'll realise that once you come out the other side of it.