Should I give him 1 last chance?

[Newchapter25]

I have been with my husband for many years, we have children. I’ve never been with anyone else. As far as I knew he hadn’t either. It should have been the fairytale story, it pretty much was other than he always had a bit of a viscous tongue but the last couple of years it got bad, daily verbal abuse, putting me down, compulsive lying, being glued to his locked down phone and even randomly hiding things in the house. I then discovered that he had been speaking with sx workers online for the majority if not all of our relationship, leaving very graphic reviews of meets that took place and viewing other people’s reviews on a daily basis, this also coincided with an alleged prn / virtual world addiction that came to light at the same time. Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

Since the discovery, he has taken steps to seek counselling (joint with me and individual) and seems to be very remorseful about what he did now that he has lost everything, I am receiving regular apologies. I can see he is really trying but I can also see glimpses of the behaviour coming through still, I understand that changes don’t happen overnight though.

We are separated currently and I have said that at the moment I can’t see past what has happened nor can I see a world where we can make things work as I see him differently and still don’t believe I know everything but equally this break up has me so broken and I can’t help feeling I should give him a chance to show his regret is real and permanent changes have been made. What if I regret not trying and pulling my family unit apart. What if I regret staying, if he hasn’t knocked the unacceptable behaviour on the head and it’s all a big manipulation to get me back. I don’t know what life is without him by my side. He swears he never actually met the s*x workers and is very convincing when making these claims but the evidence shows otherwise.

Has anyone else been in a similar boat to this? I really don’t know what to do 😔

If he never actually met these prostitutes how could he leave reviews?

Surely they wouldn't let him leave a review if he hadn't met them?

He's lying OP so no, please don't forgive him or give him another chance.
He did it in the first place so another reason not to give him another chance.

Want a third reason not to give him another chance? Your peace of mind.
Once you drop this skanky, lying piece of dirt who seems women as a purchasable commodity that he can use and review, you will find your peace.

That's worth everything.

Read your list of pros and cons OP and you’ll see that the reasons to stay are just excuses to put off doing the right thing.

Your kids deserve a life growing up without treading on eggshells - their future will be brighter away from this abusive twat.

Thank you so much to everyone that has taken time to respond, I am reading the best I can but will digest it all properly tonight when I can focus properly and reply then too, the support from complete strangers is overwhelming and heartwarming ❤️

Men who get upset when they get found out are not crying because they are full of remorse for betraying you, they are crying because they got caught.

Yes I think that's part of it. I dated someone who I found out used these prostitute websites. He got counseling for it (like you say after being caught) but I remember one day he came back from a counseling session and was very pleased to tell me that the counselor had told him that it was normal for men to do this and he shouldnt feel bad.

I found out he treated his next girlfriend the same.

Thank you for all of the support and advice. It’s a lot to take on but equally is exactly what I would advise a friend,

to answer some questions,

@SirRaymondClench apparently you have to leave reviews to not get kicked off the reviewing website and his “addiction” was reading other people’s reviews so she claims to have made them up based on other people’s information. One of the reviews he left had no prior reviews though and has wierdly had none since his was left so can’t figure that one out.

just flicking back through the pages to see what I’ve missed to reply to

I can’t find the comment anymore but someone asked if he is religious as we’ve only ever been with each other (or so I thought). Neither he nor I are religious, we just “had something special and rare”.

i know what I need to do, I’m absolutely terrified as he is my comfort blanket, I am aware of how messed up that sounds as he was the one causing all of this harm all along but it’s always been us, together. I’m scared shitless, unbelievably sad and have a wierdly calm anger deep inside that can’t believe that my “fairytale” life was a big fat lie.

I know I’ll come out the other side stronger, my kids and I will be happy and free but my god, the process stings :(

i can’t also find the comment where someone asked if I instigated the counselling, he actually pushed for this, even before I found out about the cheating as we were in a toxic place already.

I wouldn’t, he’s not likely to change. Some men are like this, it’s part of their personality.

@Newchapter25 of course you’re terrified and of course he’s your comfort blanket, it’s why you’re with him.
It doesn’t sound messed up at all, what’s messed up is his addiction. Remove the addiction and I’m sure he’s a nice guy. Addiction of any kind slowly eats people up like a cancer. Far too often it takes those they love and who love them down with them.
He either acknowledges that he has a serious problem that he can’t deal with alone, he needs help, or ge will keep doing it. It won’t go away on its own, whether he’s genuinely ashamed or not. He’ll stop for a while in total shame and remorse, then the need and temptation will eventually overwhelm him and he’ll use all the self-deception devices he’s always used to tell himself it’s just one more time, then no more. Rinse and repeat.
He needs to realise he’s addicted and admit he needs help.
Until he does that he’s not going to stop.
I’m so sorry. A close family member of mine was an addict of a different kind but the mechanism and driving force was the same and they are no longer with us. Wanted to stop, hated the addiction, hated themselves because of it, but never overcame it.

Well all the reasons to leave seem vastly more compelling than those to stay.

And I think you can see that if you read them back.

So there's your answer.

A family member had a husband who was a sex addict. She stayed many years trying to fix him and he would appear sincere to many people about being sorry, reforming his behaviour, getting counselling etc etc. But he never stuck with it (if he ever did) and always drifted back. His addiction was of many years standing and deeply entrenched.
He then secretly introduced his internet porn stuff to the eldest child when they reached early teen years and that’s left them with a lot of mental health issues even many years later.

Honestly, you need to protect the kids because dad is an addict. They can still have a relationship with dad but in a controlled, non-toxic way.

If only they could be addicted to their wife and kids, right?. I know we don’t deserve any of this, I also know it isn’t fully his fault with it being an addiction which I think is where my feeling of intense guilt comes in for leaving but just because is is potentially an addiction , it doesn’t make it ok. He has sought out counselling and attends an addiction group so he did do all of the right things when it came to a head but I still can’t imagine that when things settle down and he gets comfy again he wouldn’t relapse and I can’t go through this hurt again nor put my kids through it any more. They’re relatively young at the moment so damage limitation I guess.

@WalkingaroundJardine that’s terrible that he introduced his kid to it. :( I worry sick what he’s saying to my kids when I’m not ther, not in a porn etc sense but what he’s saying about mummy leaving daddy , trying to paint me as the bad guy and him the victim. I now one day they’ll see through it all but it feels a long way away, I just want to wrap them in cotton wool and make it all ok.

Forgive me if there are studies on this that show I'm wrong but with other addictions like cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, you are putting something into your body that alters things and once addicted it's very hard to deprive the body of that substance and you can have physical withdrawal symptoms. With an addiction to leaving reviews of prostitutes and it would seem cheating on you with sex workers, is that not a different kind of addiction. More a lack of self control, lack of respect, lack of morals etc. Dont feel bad.

@Eagle2025 , I’d hope so. I think the thing is before you get addicted, you’ve got to consciously introduce yourself to that world as well. We were a lot
younger when he started up and said it was on the back of an advert pop up but for me, why click it. And why not stop it when you decided to get married or have kids etc.

it’s so frustrating knowing what you need to do but feeling so sad and guilty about it, it’s like grieving what I thought we had and what I thought the future would look like.

i need to focus on what opportunities this will open for me to re-write mine and my kids future and see it as an opportunity. I do think this way but then the pain hits and the what if I’ve got it all wrong demons start talking to me in my head (not literally 😂).

I’ll get there, it’s just a process. I appreciate all the advice xx

If you really want proof that he has gone ahead with it then the financial trail is a good one. Ask to see his last years worth of bank statements from his accounts and look for cash withdrawals, sometimes small. But they will link up to dates in his reviews. Also do check my file..it will tell you if he has any hidden accounts and even a second mobile phone account.
ask to have his phone and look on Google maps and check the locations.
on his phone look in deleted or archived messages and messages like ‘working?’, they can seem quite work like and be under male names.
also if he has gmail on his account it will show location history or look in settings at location services. Shows visited places.
Hope this helps.
I think even without proof of him actually doing anything then it’s pretty awful but having been in this situation myself I can understand the need to know the full truth. They always say they never went. Apparently my husband got to the door of the brothel (saw the message to say outside) but he never went in 🤨 The only thing I never found was a money trail bar the £100 he withdrew that day but came home with.

Sorry now but , & to say this kindly , some men cheat & that’s really all that is too it ..
Everyone here calling him an addict ..
Some men just can’t stay faithful & have a very high sex drive ..
Some have mistresses & more go to sex workers..
He attends counselling to keep OP happy , oh he has a problem & this is why he does it , he’s getting help , this thing that he has an addiction , maybe not be an addiction, may very well be he can’t stay faithful !

@Missj25 , I qctually
hope it’s the latter as it would help my conscience selfishly. He doesn’t have a sex drive with me but who knows what was going on outside of that - he visited porn websites daily

I can't see how you can get past the horror of all that betrayal tbh.
I have had experience of this, 20 year marriage husband had been involved in fetish, BDSM and porn the whole time and lied about it.
I decided I didn't want a man like that in my life.

He’s only crying to make you feel guilty OP, it isn’t real.

since you’ve already left, you’ve done the hardest bit, and it will be so much easier on your kids if you stick to your guns and see this through this time, instead of going back for more of the same treatment now and then leaving again the next time you realise you can’t stand it any more.

He’s a horrible man and doesn’t deserve you, and he knows that, which is why he’s trying every kind of bullshit manipulation to try to get you back. Don’t reward him for this selfish performative nonsense.

If he actually loved you, he’d care that of course you are better off without being stuck with a lying cheating shit for a husband, and he’d let you go.

Put yourself first OP, you’re the only person who can.

OP , I didn’t want to come across as mean or hurt your feelings ..
Just everyone saying he’s an addict ..
If he was so remorseful, we’ll say after he finishes with whoever , why leave a review ???
With an addiction after getting your fix , you’d feel guilty then , there is no guilt shown by him …
All those things aside , being horrible to you the past year , there’s no excuse for that , if anything he should be suffering with so much guilt , he should have been OTT when it came to you , he was the opposite, that doesn’t point to someone who feels bad about himself & guilty to me …
Look I don’t know OP , I really do feel you’ll be happier away from him .. , your future without him ..You’ll have bad days & good days , but eventually happy & content days …x

Kindly, and I don't say it lightly as I currently still live in the same house as my husband despite being separated because I also can't bear to blow up my kids world just yet - however nothing like this is behind my separation and I think this isn't one betrayal but many betrayals, and not just of you but of your whole family. For your own sense of self-worth - which is as valid a reason as any - I think you should be leaning towards drawing a line under your marriage and moving on. Abusing you means he is also abusing his children and you all deserve better than that. Be happier.

You said..'.... I feel soooooooo guilty about it all. Especially when he cries and looks so broken and full of remorse....'

How many tears have you cried over the years?.. how broken are you?

Have NO remorse.. look after yourself and your kids.
He won't change.

@Missj25 don’t worry, I didn’t take it in a bad way, I would prefer it to have been an active choice than an addiction. I guess it’s one of those things that I’ll never know. It did feel like an excuse when I first found out though