I feel so low and really need people to talk to and some help.
Background is I used to work as an escort through adultwork. Once 20 years ago when I had a young baby and my husband lost his job (he knew it was his idea) he's now my ex husband. I was 20 at the time.
And then a couple of years ago when I was between jobs and had no regular income and by this stage divorced with kids.
I had a man make an appt and come and see me through my escorting work. We began talking and met for lunch and we began seeing each other.
He was very hot and cold. Coming close very intense then backing off. He told me about himself and that he was 2 years clean and Sober after having a serious daily alcohol and cocaine habit. He had been to rehab and is now totally Sober. He admitted he had no counselling and didn't work the 12 steps. In shirt he did no inner work about any if his issues. He had something traumatic happen when he was younger which probably put him on this path. He has adult children he loves and lives with (I have never met them) he's not met my kids. We talk about our work lives family with one another..we sp3ak via message daily and call regularly. I will email if I am work as I don't have my phone on me.
In August last year we said we loved each other and he said he was struggling with what i did for work. I was about to go back to work in my proper job getting my salary again (i had been off long term sick unpaid after serious illness) and i said i would come off the site and stop the work. Which i did. I never gave it another thought .
He ghosted me in September last year as he was having a full scale depressive mental episode saying he could cope with life, his mind was in a bad place and he couldnt cope. I kept reaching out as I was very worried about him and he came back apologised and things were great after that.
Around my birthday I went to have dinner with a school friend (female) he accused me of going to that area to meet someone and said he had been looking online and someone with mu description was working in the same area that night that I was there.
It wasn't me. I told him this and showed him the texts with my friend arranging to meet. A photo of us that was taken that sort of thing. He was relieved. Said his mind had gone crazy overthinking and he was sorry. He admitted another evening I went to a music event he looked up the location googled it etc. He said he didn't mind me going that he trusted me but I got a bad vibe that he didn't like it and was happier when he knew I was back at home he said this wasn't the case though. That he wanted to make sure I was safe and OK.
I have never lied to him about me my past or my present. He knows where I work. I only really have one close friend and a couple of what I would call acquaintances I do things socially with. I have been on a couple of work nights out which he knows about in this time as I was on a new team and they invited me to things so it was nice to be included.
Let me stree I love this man. Really love him despite his behaviours and issues and the thought of losing him is unbearable. When he ghosted me the first time I was in an absolute mess. I cried driving to work some days . Often at night on my own. My sleep was disturbed and I was anxious to the point I went to the GP and they prescribed me phenergan and anti depressants.
In the middle of Feb around the time of his sons birthday he went quieter with me. And I could sense something was wrong. He said it was wrong seeing me and he needed to work on things at home. With that he vanished for 9 weeks. I left a note on his car. I messaged (he admitted he blocked me calling him ) he didn't block on wattsapp and eventually one day he replied to say he thought about me every single day and to wish me a happy Easter. It was a breakthrough and it took another week or so and he opened up and asked to speak in person..we did and he said he wanted the physical side to stop. But he wanted to stay friends.
After that now every few days he will message me saying things like
This will be the last time you ever hear from me.
I am deleting wattsapp
We cant be in contact it's no good for my mental state etc
The crux of it and he's admitted it is that he rejoined adult work in that 9 weeks and he saw a profile of a woman he believes is me.. she's the same age hair colour build not far from me.. but it's NOT me..he will not accept this.
I have been absolutely distraught. Apparently she was active on her profile constantly until the same time I went back to work off annual leave. This is proof he says its me. I also saw him one morning as I stopped by his work to drop him off an ice cream as it was a really hot day and he was working hard. I had just finished my shift at work. Apparently this profile messaged him not long after I left. He's convinced its me.
I don't have an AW profile.
I am not on any other websites and never was
I don't have a second phone
He then apologised said he was sorry and next day brought me flowers. This saw Saturday
By Tuesday he started again one night.. he sent loads of emails to my work email. Accused me of working from home and accessing them remotely (I don't. I work for an organisation where u can only access emails from inside of work on their computers. My work can't be done from home) I gave him my work extension number and he called it 'proof' I thought to put these Accusations to bed. No a few days later bam. Started again..
He said the markings on another woman's body match mine. Freckles... his phone is full of screen shots of women and their profiles. One calls herself a slut a word I would never use. I pointed this out. So then he accused me of being someone calling themselves shy.
I have life 360 on my phone. Cos of my kids. I showed him this. Showed him when I arrived at work and when I left. He just kept on and on.
Tuesday I came out and had texts saying he saw my car parked in a random road somewhere and for me to come out and say hello. It wasn't mine. I asked for proof with a photo he had seen it. He obviously didn't have it. We met yesterday to go bowling which I suggested to try and do something nice together and move on from this.
One min he will say its in his head then he will say i am a liar I am making a cunt of him. He don't wanna hear my lies and to fuck off. I showed him my phone in the bowling alley. When he could find nothing as there is nothing.. i am not an escort anymore. I don't go on cam either. Something else he's accused me of. He then said I must have software which is hiding apps and searches.
I feel so so unhappy, anxious , in a constant state of fear worry and panic that he's going to accuse me of something else. I haven't got out of bed today. I have barely eaten in 2 days. I am struggling to function. He's discarded me again and believes I am a liar who's on websites.
I love this man and the thought of him not being in my life is absolutely devastating for me. How can I make him see sense. What should I do.
If I shout loudly he says i am trying to hard to prove my innocence. If I grey rock and don't get drawn into it he says I am too calm and its because I knew his proof was coming. His proof is a few headless shots of white skinned brunette women. Even if their body shapes are different he says I have altered the photos.
I am at the stage where I am showing my life 360. Showing my phone. Taken photos of my body to compare to these woman so he can look and see its not me. He just changes the goalposts constantly. One of them had a tattoo he said I photoshopped it on to hide its me..the woman had different nails. He just kept looking at my hands and then waved it away. Then said when I had lunch with My brother in Sussex I popped and saw a customer quickly. I didn't. I had one of my kids with me.
I am a tall dark haired woman. I can't help that and obviously there will be women similar to me on those sites.
He just won't listen. It's breaking my heart and my mind can't cope anymore.