Should I give him 1 last chance?

[Newchapter25]

I have been with my husband for many years, we have children. I’ve never been with anyone else. As far as I knew he hadn’t either. It should have been the fairytale story, it pretty much was other than he always had a bit of a viscous tongue but the last couple of years it got bad, daily verbal abuse, putting me down, compulsive lying, being glued to his locked down phone and even randomly hiding things in the house. I then discovered that he had been speaking with sx workers online for the majority if not all of our relationship, leaving very graphic reviews of meets that took place and viewing other people’s reviews on a daily basis, this also coincided with an alleged prn / virtual world addiction that came to light at the same time. Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

Since the discovery, he has taken steps to seek counselling (joint with me and individual) and seems to be very remorseful about what he did now that he has lost everything, I am receiving regular apologies. I can see he is really trying but I can also see glimpses of the behaviour coming through still, I understand that changes don’t happen overnight though.

We are separated currently and I have said that at the moment I can’t see past what has happened nor can I see a world where we can make things work as I see him differently and still don’t believe I know everything but equally this break up has me so broken and I can’t help feeling I should give him a chance to show his regret is real and permanent changes have been made. What if I regret not trying and pulling my family unit apart. What if I regret staying, if he hasn’t knocked the unacceptable behaviour on the head and it’s all a big manipulation to get me back. I don’t know what life is without him by my side. He swears he never actually met the s*x workers and is very convincing when making these claims but the evidence shows otherwise.

Has anyone else been in a similar boat to this? I really don’t know what to do 😔

@Newchapter25 your last bullet point in favour of separating says you can have family and friends. What does that mean? Why couldn't you have that if you stay with him?

@Eagle2025 he never stopped me having people over but would coincidentally kick off about something each time so it made it not worth the effort. Ie the mess or ironing not being done / kids room a mess etc etc etc (I’m naturally more messy than him as a bit of a scatter brain but by no means am I bad).

I am reading all of the advice as it comes in and will sit down tonight to digest it all properly when I’m not with the kids. Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read and reply, i appreciate it a lot! X

I know your in the very difficult raw stage but it seems like the main reason for staying is mainly financial. Would the kids honestly be happier in such a bad environment? Leave and one day you will realise it was the best decision for you and the kids. Time is the only way you could know if he can change as a person and he can do that on his own.

There is no way you will stick at one last chance you will put up with it forever, why I have no idea but women do constantly

BIG NO FROM ME! You know the answer to this. You’ll be fine. You need more time. He’s bad news in every way.

Because you’re a good person OP , with a good heart & you hate seeing him miserable ( I know he has done this to himself) ..
He is your husband & Father of your kids , of course this is very hard for you , don’t beat yourself up for not feeling angry or feeling the way people tell you , you should feel .. x

Your pros for leaving look far more attractive to me

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. He's an addict, you'll always be second best and you'll always be checking over his shoulder.

I left and I've genuinely never been happier. My mental health plummeted as I always felt like I was never enough for him.

You are the example to your kids, end this and be happy.

Happier mum = happier kids

Says it all really.

This. Sorry but he doesn't love you, and never has.

You are the useful domestic creature that has provided a clean well run house, clean clothes and decent food while he's betrayed and lied to you for decades. He's now discovering what life on his own is like and he wants his house keeper back.

He still doesn't love you and will revert to type as soon as he thinks you are back where he wants you.

Don't waste another day of your life on him. I know it's scary but your family will be happier and healthier without him, and without the constant nastiness and contempt.

Just no.
You deserve better.
He deserves nothing from you.
Sorry you have had to go through this OP.
Find your anger, your voice and do what is right for you and your kids.
Hugs x

When he cries, it's not because he is sorry for what he did. He's sorry for himself, that he's been found out and might face the consequences of losing what you provide for him - his favourite emotional punchbag, family man status, home comforts etc.

I really hope you choose your freedom.

Looking at your reasons to leave and reasons not to leave, it seems obvious that the pros to leave outweigh the cons by far! You will be happier and equally as important, your children will be happier! Focus on that.

Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

Should you give him one last chance?

Well you already gave him that surely and how did that work out?

I wouldn't give him another. I wouldn't have forgiven him the first time either especially before marriage and kids.

He isn't going to change. This is who he is amd what he does.

Your list for staying is extremely weak and infact has more holes in it than a colander. If you were fool enough to stay with him it's for your own reasons and nothing to do with the children.

It is NOT somehow easier to stay with such a man.

On the other hand, your list for going is a lot more powerful and also is not solely about your needs. You would not want your children as adults to be in such a relationship and indeed you would want better for them. Want better for yourself too.

Consider remaining separated and use that as a springboard into divorcing. And stop all joint counselling sessions with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it is about power and control. This is ALL on him.

One of those cons on your list should be enough and the pros aren't really pros when they're not true. Eg

Financial stability - at what cost though? And this is something that could change either way in the future

family unit together- but it's a toxic abusive unit, no good can come of it

comfortable when going well- and when not going well it's horrendous

show kids how to problem solve (of the alleged changes are real) - they aren't of the age to understand any of this right now and it's not really a pro when it works for leaving as well!

can oversee their dad around them & jump in when needed (never anything physical but has a shorter verbal fuse than me & raises voice) - the context of this is a con in itself

can stay in family home- again, like financial security, this is something that could change at any time

feels easier to not face lawyers etc - I get that you're tired and downtrodden but this is not a reason to not fight for the peace and stability of your family and life

nice holidays (he was always nice on hol other than in the lead up which was hell).- you can have nice holidays without him, even if it's a train ride to a caravan for a few days. Also, every day can be a holiday without the stress and anxiety of living with him!

I know what I need to do but something is stopping me.

you are scared, which is perfectly understandable, but you can overcome your fear if you focus on the desired end result. Counselling may help.

Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be posting saying I’ve filed for divorce and working on financial separation.

keep your eye on the prize - your freedom……. Freedom from ever having to worry about or being hurt by his cheating again.

I know I deserve better

you most definitely do. As do your children - growing up in this mess will hurt them in the long run.

😂

No way OP . He is never going to change .

can oversee their dad around them & jump in when needed (never anything physical but has a shorter verbal fuse than me & raises voice)

But they're living like this 100% of the time, 24/7 365 days a year, on constant edge about daddy's temper with you trying to run interference.

If separated, you could provide an emotionally safe, consistent home as a counterpoint and safe haven.

And he might be better with them and be more Disney dad than angry dad in his contact time.

In your list of pros for leaving, you mentioned that the kids were already happier and more relaxed...and that you were a lot less stressed. I think that sort of thing is the clincher. I wouldn't go back. He can carry on "rehabbing" himself on his own, and hopefully become a better father to his children, but at least you'll be free of the abuse and the disrespectful behaviours. The feeling of peace (and seeing your DC happier) is priceless. I say that as someone who also didn't go back.

The other important thing to remember is that he’s not sought any help at all for his behaviour before being caught. Put simply he doesn’t see it as wrong and doesn’t really want to stop.

Definitely no. The 'vicious tongue' phrase on your first post was enough, but your pros and cons update cemented it. Get out now and save yourself years of grief

It’s over, stop holding on to a fairytale that never was. Frankly there is nothing romantic about never meeting anyone else. He sounds horrible. You deserve better so crack on with your life.

I rarely think LTB on here unless it’s really clear, but my friend has lived this for years, I stopped talking about it with her because there were things she wanted to hear from me that I couldn’t in all honesty say. I haven’t seen her in months, probably because when she asked me I told her the truth and I’ve heard nothing since. She swore (as usual) that she was going to divorce him after Christmas but one of my DC knows her DC and they’re still together.
Anger will come, you’re probably numb and in shock now that you’re actually seeing it for what it is.
He’s an addict, full stop, and without serious intervention and permanent mentorship he’ll relapse. Continually.
To kick addictions you have to really want to stop and recruit others within an AA type environment to help you stop a relapse.
“Sorry” is totally believable, he probably does hate himself, but without change “sorry” is meaningless.
My friend had a similar ‘pros’ list and there she still is, material comfort, yes, looks good from the outside, a 25 year marriage, no
less, but inside it’s unpredictable hell, mental misery and no peace of mind, plus a latent sheer disgust for the man she shares a home with, permanently.
It’s not worth it but she’ll never see it, her eldest DC is early twenties now and she first told me this was going on as a new mum. So very sad. Take care of yourself, it will be far better on the other side, you won’t realise the stress you’ve been living under until it’s gone, long term issues like this normalise stress and anxiety when you live in them on a daily basis. Continual stress and anxiety are not normal, but it’s scary how they can become the norm for so many.