Should I give him 1 last chance?

[Newchapter25]

I have been with my husband for many years, we have children. I’ve never been with anyone else. As far as I knew he hadn’t either. It should have been the fairytale story, it pretty much was other than he always had a bit of a viscous tongue but the last couple of years it got bad, daily verbal abuse, putting me down, compulsive lying, being glued to his locked down phone and even randomly hiding things in the house. I then discovered that he had been speaking with sx workers online for the majority if not all of our relationship, leaving very graphic reviews of meets that took place and viewing other people’s reviews on a daily basis, this also coincided with an alleged prn / virtual world addiction that came to light at the same time. Unfortunately I have found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage, I chose to forgive and I thought it was left in the past.

Since the discovery, he has taken steps to seek counselling (joint with me and individual) and seems to be very remorseful about what he did now that he has lost everything, I am receiving regular apologies. I can see he is really trying but I can also see glimpses of the behaviour coming through still, I understand that changes don’t happen overnight though.

We are separated currently and I have said that at the moment I can’t see past what has happened nor can I see a world where we can make things work as I see him differently and still don’t believe I know everything but equally this break up has me so broken and I can’t help feeling I should give him a chance to show his regret is real and permanent changes have been made. What if I regret not trying and pulling my family unit apart. What if I regret staying, if he hasn’t knocked the unacceptable behaviour on the head and it’s all a big manipulation to get me back. I don’t know what life is without him by my side. He swears he never actually met the s*x workers and is very convincing when making these claims but the evidence shows otherwise.

Has anyone else been in a similar boat to this? I really don’t know what to do 😔

I’m in pretty much the same boat. Was it you that instigated therepy? It was me, what did his reviews say? Honestly it’s the most awful situation and soul destroying. I discovered mine about a year ago. Still struggling with it now, 90.% sure I can’t get past it. As I step back and let him do the work, I’ve realised it’s all a show,

No you shouldn’t.

I can’t get past the viscous tongue

and no, of course you shouldn’t

No of course you shouldn't.

He has betrayed and abused you for years. He doesn't deserve either your forgiveness or another chance. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

Why would you waste any more years of your life giving a lying cheating abusive cunt another chance?
Im sure he’ll be very sorry for a while until his mask slips again and he reverts to being a vile prick again.

Dk you really want your DC growing up in an abusive home with this as their role model of their future relationships ?

Oh dear. Find the courage to be better to yourself than stay with this awful creature.

No. You've already tried that but it didn't work. He sounds horrible.

Jesus OP , I don’t know , like if it was all on line there might be some hope , but you say , he says , he’s never been with any sex workers, but evidence indicates different ! , if evidence says different, then he has been …
And look it , all that aside , that he speaks to you like shit ..
I’d always advise in general to try & work things out , but that’s if it’s worth it ..
What exactly are you trying to salvage , I’m saying that very kindly , cause from what you’ve written, there doesn’t seem to be a whole pile worth saving ..
I know it’s scary & you have only ever been use of him , but do you really , really want him by your side ??
Honestly … I wouldn’t …. x

no you shouldn’t he’s shown you no respect and that’s unlikely to change.
the vicious tongue would be enough but along with everything else I’d be off and wouldn’t look back.
if he’s been using sex workers please get a sexual health check up and then file for divorce.
you deserve far more from a relationship than he is offering you.

No personal experience, no. It doesn't sound like an ideal relationship even before this. How many is the "many years" you've been together? You had evidence of this sort of behaviour before you got together?
"found texts and emails before but way before kids and marriage"
If this has been going on that long (however many years it is), I would pull the pin. Don't waste any more years on him.

No.

I think this is a very ingrained habit and very difficult to break. I know someone whose husband used a lot of porn, which progressed to chat sites and cam girls then hook ups with sex workers, one of whom was in their bed when she came home from work unexpectedly due to illness. Always sobbing, apologies, never again, going to get help etc…
It’s into its third decade now and she’s still with him, utterly miserable, I genuinely have no idea why she stays.
This is far too easy for me to say, it’s a horrible decision for you, you’re the one who has to change your life and move forward. However, I would stay away from him, sex addiction is serious and the internet plus incognito mode plus secret messaging apps, secret online email accounts etc makes it very, very difficult for them to stop and very very easy to do. Relapses are very common. Look up Michelle Mays on sex addiction and sexual betrayal for more information.
You’ve separated, I’d stay that way.

I’ve found that compulsive liars don’t often change. That addicts find it very hard to break addiction and long formed habits. If you’ve both only really had one serious relationship - that’s also a difficult habit to break. Sometimes you find yourself fighting to keep it (as he is) or questioning whether you should let it go (as you are), as a natural reaction to losing that habit, that security, rather than letting it go because it’s wrong. I’d suggest that if he won’t come clean - it means he’s not actually truthful or remorseful still. If he came back, would you ever trust him again?
Actually separating is often the hardest thing to do - and you’ve managed this. But it’s only the first step on a journey, it can take a long time to find some peace again. Just don’t be bullied, cajoled, lied into going backwards.

He won’t change.

No matter how much work he does, this is fundamentally who he is and has always been. A liar and a cheat. That will resurface sooner or later. He is not who you thought he was. Don’t go back for the fantasy of who you wish he was.

He has shown you who he is…

save yourself a lifetime of grief - walk.

If he is still saying he never met the sex workers then he still isnt being honest. So he isnt even at the first step of 'recovery'.

If you are a decent person then you deserve so much better than a man who spent the whole relationship lying to you and cheating and putting you down.

It’s a bit late for therapy. He’d still
be doing it if you hadn’t found out. He knew exactly what he was doing and does not deserve a second chance. Get angry.

You found texts and emails before so he's already had another chance but he's let you down again. He has proved he hasnt changed. It is probably best to make the separation permanent. Also, he abuses you verbally that is not ok! I think it is very hard for men to change.

I was in a relationship with a man like this and I discovered that his ‘confession’ was just the tip of the iceberg. There was way more going on. Having spoken to others who’ve been with partners like this, the same was true. There is often an attempt to minimise or hide what actually happened, only for you to find out later that he’s continued to lie ‘by omission’.

If he’s a sex addict, like all addictions it’ll come with a hearty side dish of manipulation which means he’ll likely say absolutely anything to get back to ‘normal’. If you’re seeing little flashes of the old behaviour then please don’t ignore them.

Unlike others, I do believe people can change but not without proper therapy and full admission. If a person has truly changed, I think you’ll genuinely know. It’s rare but it does happen. In this case it sounds as though your husband is nowhere near.

Thank you for the replies, it helps to read the advice. It’s funny because if anyone was else was in my position, my advice would echo the advice given to me however I think when feelings and emotions are involved it alters your way of thinking.

he says he’s told me everything but I just don’t buy it. He hid so much from me.

@Thewookiemustgo , the similarities in your story are quite scary, he would leave these reviews when we’d had an argument. It started with porn, then cam then the reviews were left but he denies the meets.

my thoughts are:

pros of staying:

• financial stability
• family unit together
• comfortable when going well
• show kids how to problem solve (of the alleged changes are real)
• can oversee their dad around them & jump in when needed (never anything physical but has a shorter verbal fuse than me & raises voice)
• can stay in family home
• feels easier to not face lawyers etc
• nice holidays (he was always nice on hol other than in the lead up which was hell).

pros Of leaving for good:

• showing my kids that they shouldn’t accept unacceptable behaviour & how to respectfully stick up for themselves (they won’t really understand this until much older)
• fresh start, new place with nobody controlling me re when things aren’t done to their standard, I get to do
• chores at my own timescale and give my kids more attention
• happier mum = happier kids
• Stress levels reduced dramatically
• i actualy get some time to myself on a weekend day at least to be my own self and not just “mum” or “wife”
• peace - I can shut the door when he kicks off and not have to deal with the moods. My kids are so much more relaxed and happy already.
• Freedom, I can have friends & family

over without worrying about it triggering a kick off. He never told me not to do things but would always kick off about whatever he could find if I made any decisions on my own to go out or suddenly become ill.

thank you all for your advice and reading. it’s like I know what I need to do but something is stopping me. Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be posting saying I’ve filed for divorce and working on financial separation. I know I deserve better, anyone would but for some reason I feel soooooooo guilty about it all. Especially when he cries and looks so broken and full of remorse. I wish I knew why this is, I should feel angry, right?

Even without the lying and cheating you deserve so much more than a “D”H who is verbally abusive and puts you down. Your DC also deserve not to see you being abused verbally and just putting up with it, for years. It’s showing them what positive, healthy relationships can look like.

Making the separation permanent can be scary, especially if you’ve been with him for most of your adult life but I don’t know a single Woman who has regretted leaving an abusive liar.

You can build a much more positive future for yourself and your DC without him dragging you down

@Jk987 you’re right, he said he’d be still doing it if I hadn’t found out but wierdly he feels relieved that the secret is out. Still no admission to the meets though. I feel like
I'm still in detective mode. I’d emotionally detached to a degree to protect myself from further hurt whilst in the relationship so maybe this is partly why the anger hasn’t come yet. I can feel the anger deep within but it hasn’t been released as of yet.

Cross posted with you there. You know the crying isn’t real. You’ve been through this before with him and if anything he’s ramped up his behaviour instead of stopping.

So yes, be angry.

He’s manipulating you.

Sounds like the only thing he’s sorry about is that he got caught and he's not got you to do his bidding.

So yes, get angry and file for Divorce.

Due to how financial agreements and Final Orders work it’s in your interests to file yourself.

You don’t need a Solicitor to file for you, you can do it here today but do see a Solicitor next week regarding the Financial Order.

And I think in your list of pros and cons the real one that you need to listen to is that your DC are much happier already

Nope, if this has been happening since very early days in your relationship as you say, this is the only way he knows to have a relationship with you. It can’t be fixed because it never was. Let me guess, is he religious or traditional? Based on you believing you were both the others only partner. He’s lived a lie so long that the lie has become the only truth. You can’t repair that. Focus on yourself and moving forward for your children and healing. He will continue this behaviour forever, but you can close the door and move on with your lovely life.