It was all I've ever wanted.... Until now

[DrearyFriday]

Just over six years ago my life as I knew it came to end. My partner (Fiance) of 8 years died suddenly and I found myself at 32 losing everything. We had our dream wedding planned for 8 weeks after and it honestly took me years to process and accept what had happened.

Fast forward to February last year I met my current partner. He was amazing from the start and the more I told him from my past the more caring he became. We spoke about the future and it was pretty obvious we both wanted something long term. We spend a lot of time together and miss each other when we are apart. Still very much in the honey moon stage of the relationship. It is so nice to finally have someone for me again, someone to go away for the weekend with, watch a series together, book a holiday for the summer. All the things I took for granted before but now realise It could be taken away in a blink of an eye.

So to my current dilemma... I am 5 weeks pregnant. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum. I am 38, this could be my last chance at fulfilling a dream. We took the test together on Tuesday and initially he seemed really happy but since then he has changed. He is worried about our holiday in August, worried that it isn't the right time financially ( I recently moved jobs so wouldn't be able to claim full maternity pay) I really don't know how I feel about it. It is the wrong time but will there ever be a right time?

If I proceed with this pregnancy I can see me having to do it on my own. This week I have seen a different side of him. He does not want this baby now.

Would I be a really horrible person to do this on my own? I'm tired, boobs are sore and I don't know if i'm thinking straight. Do I risk this relationship or end the pregnancy and hope I get another chance when the time is better?

All advice welcome. Thank you!

At 38 I'd think this is now or never. Were you trying? Or using protection? I.e. was it a surprise to him or something he wanted that he's now backing out on?
Being pregnant or having a baby doesn't need to stop you going on holiday!
Have you spoken to him about it or assuming by his change in demeanor that he doesn't want a baby?

Sorry to hear your partner has got cold feet. Early pregnancy is hard and can be an emotional time.
If you really want a baby then I suggest continuing with the pregnancy. There will never be a ‘perfect’ time to have a baby and you may not find it easy to conceive again in the future.

If you didn’t continue with the pregnancy then you may resent him and not end up with a child which could poison your relationship.
He may just be having a panic in which case hopefully he will settle down.

You absolutely would not be a terrible person for doing this alone. Sadly many women, including many on MN find themselves having to go it alone, when a partner panics or shows his true colours, Now you have seen his, do you care about ‘risking this relationship?’

I am so sorry that you lost your fiancé, but you have shown resilience and strength in picking yourself up and putting yourself out there.

You say you are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship, so I could cut your partner a little slack, thinking perhaps this had moved faster than he had expected.

But, ultimately, this is your choice. 💐

Are you in a good position to have the baby alone? Job, housing, support network?

How old is he? Had you discussed having children together in the future?

For you, it might be your only chance so I would take that into consideration in making any decisions. However it doesn’t sound like you could rely on him so you might have to consider going it alone.

Nobody ever sets out to do it alone. People will argue how can you bring a child into a failed/failing relationship. But talking from experience, motherhood is a feeling that can’t be replaced by money, by a dream man or anything else that springs to mind. So don’t base your decision on whether he wants to stick around.

If you go it alone, you will be fine …. there will be hard times, but the happiness and rewards of having a child in your life will far outweigh those hard times. The rest of your life is a long time for regrets x

I think he will come round. Many people- mums and dads- panic at first. Both can have doubts. He has only known 3 days. Give him time. It’s a shock for you both. I would sit down in a week or so and discuss again. I think he will be hugely apologetic.

I did it on my own and it’s been amazing.

Have you spoken to him about it. It may be he just realised the enormity of having a family. Being responsible for a new life, caring, loving, financing. Surprising people do it when you sit back and look at it and yet it's an amazing experience, not always laughter and smiles but always amazing.

Was the pregnancy unexpected? Were you using protection?
Have you talked about having children in the past?

Are you able to support and take care of this child by yourself?
Do you have a support network? Parents, siblings, friends who would be willing to help?
Can you combine your career with taking care of a child?

I ask this because I want to determine how much of an asshole he's being, and how realistic it would be for you to go at it alone.
At your age this is most likely your last chance. If you want it, and you think you can do it, then go for it.

When did you change jobs? As if you’re only five weeks you might find you still get maternity pay?

If you don’t, you’ll qualify for maternity allowance instead.

I am so sorry that life threw you some rather big curve balls but well done for getting through that and rebuilding your life. It shows what a strong and determined person you are.
I think you need to dig deep here and listen to your instincts.

I had both my 'babies' alone and with an absent father (I wont say 'dad' as that has to be earnt - a father is a sperm donor and that's probably what you have got sadly).
My two are fully fledged grown adults and the most amazing human beings - I am so proud of them. It was hard at times, there wasn't much money about, I worked three jobs at one time - but our home was loving and kind and they didn't starve!

There is never a right time or a perfect time for babies to come along - they monumentally turn your life upside down - but they are also such a joy to have. I have no regrets, in fact I consider them both to be my greatest achievements ever.

I wouldn't worry too much about finances - you would get some help and who knows, he may even help (though don't bank on it).

Maybe have a chat with your GP about it all - find out all the practicalities and that will help you to make an informed decision? Do you have a stable home, family and friends to help support you?

Only you can decide this one I'm afraid - your body, your life. His decision sounds like its already made so its now down to you to think about what you want. How will you feel about him if you decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy? Can you see yourself staying with him, not resenting him, going off on holiday as planned?

It feels like an awful situation and a huge decision, but really it's not.
What do you want?

I did it all on my own. Been a lone parent for 16 years. OP you can do this if this is what you want.

Are you in a good position financially/career? Advice and support on being a lone parent will come from a place of what you can afford etc

I did it on my own in kind of opposite circumstances to you. I was 24, completely unsettled, a mess financially, emotionally and physically (had an eating disorder). It was the best decision I ever made - that baby improved my life in a butterfly effect, sliding doors way that I never anticipated. In fact I am getting quite emotional thinking about it. He's now a 21 year old who is about to graduate with a first and did his first solo gig last night (he's been in a band for years) - he has been my life's work and whilst it hasn't been easy it has been the best thing I've ever done and I am so proud of us. We are a team who have got through some awful stuff & come out the shit into beautiful lives, well lived so far.

The only person you can and must consider now is yourself. What do you want?

A lot of men do panic a bit at first. Give him time, he'll get used to the idea.

I wouldn't end a much wanted pregnancy at this age.

Wishing you well! 💐

(To be fair plenty of women panic too when it actually becomes reality. It's a huge shift)

My husband panicked a bit in the early stages - baby was very much wanted - but he did get in a total flap about money, childcare etc. (I suspect women think about these things before getting pregnant - we have to - whereas lots of men don’t really until reality hits and baby is actually on the way.) He calmed down and after the 12 week scan was unbelievably excited & is a great dad.

Give him a few days to calm down, then talk to him. Be prepared in case things don’t go well - you absolutely can do this on your own - hopefully he’s just had a wobble.

I think the issue is in terms of being a mother as you realised yourself anyway,due to your age, if you do not proceed with this pregnancy, it’s possible that you may find it difficult to conceive at a later ‘more suitable’ date - whatever that is. Also, I have read threads here from women who decided to save the relationship and then a few years later the partner leaves anyway or decides he is now ready for kids and leaves the partner as they now are out of the timeline to conceive the football team he suddenly wants! If you think you have it within you to potentially be a single parent then perhaps embrace this opportunity you’ve long desired ♥️.

I’d carry on with the pregnancy for sure, even people who have partners that are 100% committed to the baby initially run the risk of going it alone still once they’ve had the baby as 9 months is a long time. I’d take the risk of if I were you, I feel like the baby could really make your life worthwhile

I think at 38 and wanting a child you’d almost certainly regret having a termination. It could very much be a now or never situation and I think you’d resent your boyfriend if you did go through with a termination due to his wishes alone. Not ideal with the lack of maternity pay but depends what your financial situation is otherwise. And the holiday? That’ll be fine. You might have to change your itinerary a bit of you were planning anything extreme, and obviously it won’t be a boozy holiday, but you can still have a lovely time. My partner and I did Canary Islands when I was 28-30 weeks pregnant and it was really lovely.

He May just be in shock and come around to the idea. But regardless, think about what YOU want and if you think you can do this alone, go for it.

If you terminate this pregnancy you will almost certainly resent him and your relationship will probably not survive anyway. At 38 you're in the last chance saloon. I hope he comes round, but if not, seriously consider going it alone - many women have managed before you.

There is no perfect time but there is often an only time. If this is what you want, go for it. He needs to be aware that if you don’t continue then it might not happen again later. This decision is purely yours and whatever you choose it’s you who lives with it.

If you want the baby, have the baby. Everything will work out. Yes, it can be hard but so worth it.

Op sounds like he has gone into ' shock node ' as they do, give him time to come around and he will one way or another, you will know,
But for sure if you have to do this alone so be it, and you will, try to enjoy this time don't fret what he may be thinking or wanting to do, your life, your choice your chance to have a baby,

If you want the child then do it alone. I know lots of people get pregnant in late 30s and 40s, but your chances of conceiving again are getting less and less. I had a dd in my early 30s, but a few years later we couldn’t conceive again. So I’d definitely do it alone in your shoes op. o

He must know as well as you do that this may be your only chance so if he's saying "maybe later", he doesn't want it, or at least not with you. You've suffered enough tragedy and uncertainty; you would absolutely not be wrong to decide to go ahead alone. Just make sure you have a support network around you.