It was all I've ever wanted.... Until now

[DrearyFriday]

Just over six years ago my life as I knew it came to end. My partner (Fiance) of 8 years died suddenly and I found myself at 32 losing everything. We had our dream wedding planned for 8 weeks after and it honestly took me years to process and accept what had happened.

Fast forward to February last year I met my current partner. He was amazing from the start and the more I told him from my past the more caring he became. We spoke about the future and it was pretty obvious we both wanted something long term. We spend a lot of time together and miss each other when we are apart. Still very much in the honey moon stage of the relationship. It is so nice to finally have someone for me again, someone to go away for the weekend with, watch a series together, book a holiday for the summer. All the things I took for granted before but now realise It could be taken away in a blink of an eye.

So to my current dilemma... I am 5 weeks pregnant. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum. I am 38, this could be my last chance at fulfilling a dream. We took the test together on Tuesday and initially he seemed really happy but since then he has changed. He is worried about our holiday in August, worried that it isn't the right time financially ( I recently moved jobs so wouldn't be able to claim full maternity pay) I really don't know how I feel about it. It is the wrong time but will there ever be a right time?

If I proceed with this pregnancy I can see me having to do it on my own. This week I have seen a different side of him. He does not want this baby now.

Would I be a really horrible person to do this on my own? I'm tired, boobs are sore and I don't know if i'm thinking straight. Do I risk this relationship or end the pregnancy and hope I get another chance when the time is better?

All advice welcome. Thank you!

Of course you wouldn't be terrible if you had the baby alone. But I'd at least chat with your partner, reassure him it's quite normal to get into a head spin at the news, but you know he can handle it.

Personally, I'd be a bit strategic and not say, 'I'm having the baby, with or without you.' Men are let off the hook way too easily. I'd say, 'It's a shock for us both, but it's happening. We can either dread it or get excited. I think it's more fun to get excited. We'll be fine. And we will still have a great time on holiday.'

Keep clearly reinforcing the fact that you are both now going to be parents. Whether or not you stay together, he will always be this baby's father and needs to take full responsibility for this.

I think this is incorrect. Women really don’t just stop being able to get pregnant once they hit their late thirties. 😑

But I do think the OP should proceed if she feels able. Either way the relationship sounds like it’s over.

I think at 48 with 19 year old twins it's very understandable that he wouldn't want to start over. However, he should have made that clearer as soon as you talked about wanting a child one day. In your shoes, at your age, I'd definitely go ahead with the pregnancy. Though it will still be his whatever happens to your relationship- hope he steps up in one way or another.

Have the baby. It’s obvious.

Is he saying you should not have the baby because of a holiday in August. He is worried about the stupid holiday. That is batshit OP.

You are 38. Have the baby.

I’d keep the baby, OP. It may be your only chance at parenthood.

I'm so sorry @DrearyFriday I think I'd be tempted to stand him up after his suggestion that you meet for a drink 🤬
This man has not been straight with you, I don't think you owe him anything. I would ghost him and mess him around like there's no tomorrow whilst indulging and looking after myself.

Suggesting you meet for a drink (maybe a fruit juice) is a positive sign. At least he wants to talk and isn't burying his head in the sand.
Hear him out and then see how you feel - you don't have to give him anything back except listen, go home and process what he says.
I think telling his children and the thought of the holiday was just a knee jerk reaction - when I told my mum that my dad had passed away, she was more worried about the spare pork chop she had bought for his tea!
Its quite normal to react in odd ways when life changing news is told to us. Don't hold that against him, especially if he is now going to step-up and support you in whatever decision you make.

Let us know how it goes 🙂

whether you decide to continue with the pregnancy or not, I think your relationship is over.

I agree with the posters saying the relationship could end one way or another. If you terminated a wanted pregnancy you’d end up resenting him anyway. Better to be alone and with your little baby than end up alone anyway.

I started off by saying honestly, I don't think this man was truly ever "open to the idea" of a baby. But then I reread that he was initially happy so maybe he's just worrying. In any case, at 38 and with the fact that all you've ever wanted is to be a mum, I'd definitely keep the baby. Give him some time and see what happens on the relationship side. For now, just focus on you and your pregnancy.

umm. This is going to sound so horrible but I will say it. Yes its deffo your choice about the baby and if its something you want so much then go for it....but you do realise that having a child or children even doesn't guarantee that you will have someone to love and care for you in your old age...but maybe I am misunderstanding what you posted? I hope so and if I did then I apologise.

This is the part of your post that I am commenting about
The biggest fear I have is being old and have no one who loves me or cares for me. Having my own baby means I have something to live for and improve my life as much as I can."

OP
Rather than jumping the gun and assuming this is the end, why not just validate his feelings. Something along the lines of "Hey, it sounds like this pregnancy news has really taken you by surprise and you dont feel ready for it. Is that a fair thing to say? What are your feelings now you've had a few days to think about it?" And just listen carefully to what he has to say.

Have the baby. If you don’t you might have future fertility issues and think what if.

Well he’s 48 with adult children. That makes a difference in a way. However you say he was open to the idea of more children. You will
just have to see how he feels now but if you want to go ahead just be clear about it. That’s all you can do.

5 weeks is very early, the statistics are pretty shocking at 38 and (I think) miscarriages are more likely later in the first trimester than earlier. Be prepared for the worst up to 3 months.

None the less, good luck, hope it works out and going it alone has many advantages.

What a brilliant post....you are a wonderful parent....lots of women on here need to read this....unfortunately we do sometimes choose the wrong partners...but like you we are strong warriors...who get rewarded with our gorgeous children 😀 ❤️

Go for it. I had children at 36 snd 38 and they are the love of my life now at 64. Wonderful people.

Your partner is in a different situation than you are and it may take him a while to get his head around it, or he may be unable to accept a return to early tears parenting. But if you want this child absolutely go ahead and do it.

Yes that should be the first approach I think.

Panicking for a few days isn't in and of itself a big deal, really, in the grand scheme of things; it's perfectly possible he might redeem himself and the two of you and baby could have many very happy years together as a family. It's natural for him to worry about what his kids will think but at the end of the day it's his life and he is entitled to have more children whether or not they are enthusiastic about it. And yes, it could get very complicated with step siblings and so on, particularly if they see him often and/or are used to staying at his for example, but he decided to have a sexual relationship with you knowing that you wanted to have children which meant you were unlikely to want a termination, so now he has got to think about being a good dad to this new baby on the way. On the other hand it's a good thing that he's considering how his children might feel. Yes they're adults but if he's a good father he will be used to considering their needs as well as his own.

I think I could forgive him a week or two of wobbling but after that I would need to see him pulling himself together.

i mean this kindly but at 38 this is possibly now or never!

He may come around, he may not, but you need to enjoy this pregnancy and not end it because of him

OK, remove him from the equation. Even if you decided not to have the baby, you say you've seen another side to him now, so you may still not want a relationship with him even if you don't have a baby.

So the questions to ask are "Do I want to have this baby" and "Am I willing to have a baby if I have to do it alone" Answer those, and you'll know what to do. He can either decide to be involved or not

I'm so sorry about your fiance.

If this is anything more than a minor wobble from this new guy, I would be very wary about choosing him as your life partner. How will he be when you are old, or if you get sick, if he can't show full support right now while you're so vulnerable? And if he's not that guy for you, don't fret about saving the relationship - keep that separate from whether you will keep the baby.

I think if you want the baby, you should go for it.

Men come and go, your children are family and future.

If you end a wanted pregnancy because of him, the relationship probably won't survive the resentment & regret anyway.

It might be he'll come round once he's got his head together.

Congratulations on your pregnancy; what an exciting time!

I think sadly you are right and that you will be doing it alone. It happens. Do you think he will co-parent and be involved with the child at all?

i guess he doesn’t need to decide now.

either way, make sure you get what you are entitled to financially.

Good luck!!! Xxx

Some people on here need to raise their standards. All this chat about how it's a shock and he needs time and don't ditch him because maybe he just had a little wobble...

Are you missing the part where he said he was happy about the baby and then changed his mind when he remembered they were due to go on holiday in a couple of months? He doesn't want a baby and that being the case, should have made it crystal clear from the start and I dunno maybe had a vasectomy to ensure it couldn't happen rather than expecting his partner to take responsibility and acting all shocked when sex resulted in pregnancy.

Why is the bar so low for men? And they still can't clear it.

My bar for men is very high.