It was all I've ever wanted.... Until now

[DrearyFriday]

Just over six years ago my life as I knew it came to end. My partner (Fiance) of 8 years died suddenly and I found myself at 32 losing everything. We had our dream wedding planned for 8 weeks after and it honestly took me years to process and accept what had happened.

Fast forward to February last year I met my current partner. He was amazing from the start and the more I told him from my past the more caring he became. We spoke about the future and it was pretty obvious we both wanted something long term. We spend a lot of time together and miss each other when we are apart. Still very much in the honey moon stage of the relationship. It is so nice to finally have someone for me again, someone to go away for the weekend with, watch a series together, book a holiday for the summer. All the things I took for granted before but now realise It could be taken away in a blink of an eye.

So to my current dilemma... I am 5 weeks pregnant. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum. I am 38, this could be my last chance at fulfilling a dream. We took the test together on Tuesday and initially he seemed really happy but since then he has changed. He is worried about our holiday in August, worried that it isn't the right time financially ( I recently moved jobs so wouldn't be able to claim full maternity pay) I really don't know how I feel about it. It is the wrong time but will there ever be a right time?

If I proceed with this pregnancy I can see me having to do it on my own. This week I have seen a different side of him. He does not want this baby now.

Would I be a really horrible person to do this on my own? I'm tired, boobs are sore and I don't know if i'm thinking straight. Do I risk this relationship or end the pregnancy and hope I get another chance when the time is better?

All advice welcome. Thank you!

Have the baby. Bear in mind, though, that twins run in families, so be prepared!

I have thought of this... My dad is also a twin!

Why did you get involved with a much older man who had teenage children when you were only in your mid-30s and child-free? If this is symptomatic of self-worth issues then I would look into therapy to work through these.

I think you should have the baby if you want it, 38 is not quite ‘last chance’ but it’s definitely close. The relationship sounds like it’s over, though.

clearly your relationship isn’t in a good place if you’ve already written it off.

You’re being hugely unreasonable to think that he shouldn’t be entitled to be disappointed over an unplanned pregnancy not much more than a year into a relationship.

Many women are disappointed when they find out they’re unexpectedly pregnant and nobody judges those, yet if it’s a man he is seemingly the spawn of Satan.

It’s it unreasonable to discuss where to go from here, even whether it’s a good idea to have a baby at this stage.

Has he told you you’re going it alone?

Told you to get rid or he’s out?

Has he made threats not to see the baby?
Or are you just writing him off on the basis he’s not jumping for joy over an unplanned pregnancy you only found out about days ago.

If you love him then cut him some slack.

If he’s made those threats or ended the relationship then that’s different.

But if you love him then you’ll at least hear him out rather than writing off the relationship based on how you think he should behave.

He’s entitled to not be happy about it. Doesn’t mean he won’t come round.

But tbh with 19 year olds I wouldn’t be looking to have another baby, but if you are then I wouldn’t be expecting them to be happy about it, especially so soon into a relationship with their dad.

It sounds more like it’s you who has already written off the relationship.

You’re being hugely unreasonable to think that he shouldn’t be entitled to be disappointed over an unplanned pregnancy not much more than a year into a relationship.

Yeah and he's no spring chicken. This is not good news for him. In fact it's catastrophic. I have a vast amount of sympathy for him.

However the OP has her wants too, and it sounds like her best interests are served by keeping the baby.

...and all of that said, five weeks pregnant at 38 is pretty precarious, this could easily come to nothing.

Is he divorced? If you are not living together do you stay at his much? Just wondering if he is as truly single as he claimed and if this is the reason he is freaking out. It will be an adjustment for his kids but if he’s divorced and they know about you I’m not sure why he thinks that would be a reason to terminate.

Either way I would have the baby if it’s what you want but accept that it’s likely to be on your own. Don’t put pressure on him to be in a relationship but he does need to be there for the child he created with you. Financially and hopefully with childcare.

good luck! Wishing you all the best whatever you choose.

@opyou have survived a great loss, which came without warning. If you can do that, you can do anything.
Also, you’re 38. Go for it. X

It's a shock for both of you. I'd take a day or so to think it over and give him the chance to gather his thoughts too. To stay together he'd have to be all in though. What kind of father has he been to his current children?

Even with very much wanted pregnancies I've had moments of doubt once seeing the reality. There's rarely a perfect time for pregnancy, I'm expecting my second and was made redundant at 7 weeks pregnant. I had two miscarriages last year and whilst the career break isn't ideal I'll take a child over a job! You find ways to make the most of it and babies don't have to cost a fortune there are definitely cheaper and more expensive ways to have a baby!

I would grab this opportunity with both hands, you might be unlikely to have that again. You can do it!

He's entitled to not feeling happy just as you are entitled to be happy for this pregnancy. Sounds like he cares about what his 19 y old sons would think which is a good sign sort of. I think he just needs time and he will come around. And if not, well you got people to help you so that's good.

I brought ds into the world when I shouldn’t have. I was a couple of years younger than you and married to his emotionally abusive dad (who was having an affair but I didn’t know that). I wanted a sibling for dd and had family support. I left when ds was 3 and met my incredible dh four years later who has been the best stepdad I could wish for to both of them. I’m pleased I brought him into the world.

i can understand your partner’s dismay.. he has grown kids and hadn’t agreed to try. But for you.. as others have said, you’ll probably regret a termination.

If you keep the baby, he may or may not leave - either now or in ten years.
If you don't keep the baby, he may or may not leave - either now or in ten years.

Don't focus on him, focus on the baby and whether YOU want the baby.

i can understand your partner’s dismay.. he has grown kids and hadn’t agreed to try. But for you.. as others have said, you’ll probably regret a termination.

Well if he was totally against having a child, he could have been more careful about contraception himself (or got a vasectomy if he's definite about not having more). He's old enough to know how it works

Worrying about the ifs/buts of becoming a parent is completely normal and very different to outright not wanting one. I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk before making any decisions

I felt shocked and panicked when I found out I was pregnant both times...and we were actively trying for a baby 😬🤣

An unplanned pregnancy is a lot to come to terms with for both parents. Whether you keep the baby or not is 100% your decision. Make it on the basis that you'll probably be doing this alone if you do go ahead. But there is a chance that your DP might get over this initial panic and want to have some involvement.

Oh what a load of rubbish.

They’re only a year into a relationship, OP says they weren’t trying, although tbh I’m always dubious of these so called unplanned pregnancies.

But anyone not actively trying to get pregnant is entitled not to feel happy about it in the moment.

If the OP had posted that she wanted to have a termination nobody would be telling her that if she hadn’t wanted a baby she should have been on contraception or been sterilised.

It’s not unreasonable to wonder how 19 year olds are going to feel about their father having a baby with a woman he barely knows. My ex did exactly that with his partner and my DC were entirely not happy about it and in fact it’s affected their relationship with their dad, and they have practically 0 relationship with their sibling.

But not wanting a baby in the here and now doesn’t mean that that was never going to happen for them ever. Doesn’t mean he’s not entitled to think now isn’t the right time though.

But all this talk of how OP will be doing it alone is just over dramatic based on the fact she’s said absolutely nothing other than that his voicing his doubts has made her see a different side to him.

Welcome to the real world.

This is a baby we’re talking about, a living breathing human being. Nobody goes into that lightly, and just because he’s not happy in the moment doesn’t mean he won’t come round.

It seems that actually it’s the OP who has doubts about the relationship and is clearly looking for a reason to end it.

I mean there are women on here who have found out they’re pregnant and booked a termination but not gone through with it. Nobody judges those. Or is it only women who are entitled to not feel happy about an unplanned pregnancy?

Continue with the pregnancy if you want the child. Men do seem to panic a bit, so hopefully he's just having a small wobble. Maybe he needs a minute to process.

although tbh I’m always dubious of these so called unplanned pregnancies.

Oh reeeally? 🙄

I’m not sure how the man previously having twins would mean the woman is more likely to produce two eggs but okay.

F

It's all very well everyone here encouraging you because of your age - but this man already has adult children, doesn't seem keen and you're living with your parents. I think you need a serious chat with both this man and your parents as this is hugely going to impact them.

And truthfully, if you're not in a great financial position, is this sensible? Should you have children if they're going to be shoved in a nursery 5 days a week from weeks old?

It's a horrible decision either way OP.

You’re not a horrible person for wanting to be a mum—or for considering doing it on your own. You’re facing an impossible-feeling moment with a lot of love and loss in your past, and it’s okay to feel conflicted.
There may never be a “perfect” time—but this might still be your time. His reaction may be fear, not rejection, but don’t let someone else’s uncertainty drown out your deep knowing. Sit with what you want, without guilt. That’s where your clarity will come from.

Do your parents know and are they supporting you either way ? Could you stay living there for the short term ( first few years after baby / babies are born ? )
I think I'd be making my own decision about whether to continue with the pregnancy .
He's obviously looking out for himself , so you will probably be going alone.
Wishing you congratulations ( if that's what you want )

I raised my DS alone. Whilst it was at times very difficult both financially and emotionally we were a team. For the most part it was really good fun. He still remembers how flexible and lenient I was. We only had us to think about so we would take off on little and sometimes big trips just because.