It was all I've ever wanted.... Until now

[DrearyFriday]

Just over six years ago my life as I knew it came to end. My partner (Fiance) of 8 years died suddenly and I found myself at 32 losing everything. We had our dream wedding planned for 8 weeks after and it honestly took me years to process and accept what had happened.

Fast forward to February last year I met my current partner. He was amazing from the start and the more I told him from my past the more caring he became. We spoke about the future and it was pretty obvious we both wanted something long term. We spend a lot of time together and miss each other when we are apart. Still very much in the honey moon stage of the relationship. It is so nice to finally have someone for me again, someone to go away for the weekend with, watch a series together, book a holiday for the summer. All the things I took for granted before but now realise It could be taken away in a blink of an eye.

So to my current dilemma... I am 5 weeks pregnant. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum. I am 38, this could be my last chance at fulfilling a dream. We took the test together on Tuesday and initially he seemed really happy but since then he has changed. He is worried about our holiday in August, worried that it isn't the right time financially ( I recently moved jobs so wouldn't be able to claim full maternity pay) I really don't know how I feel about it. It is the wrong time but will there ever be a right time?

If I proceed with this pregnancy I can see me having to do it on my own. This week I have seen a different side of him. He does not want this baby now.

Would I be a really horrible person to do this on my own? I'm tired, boobs are sore and I don't know if i'm thinking straight. Do I risk this relationship or end the pregnancy and hope I get another chance when the time is better?

All advice welcome. Thank you!

Late 30s

Keep the baby

If he didn't want kids then he should have taken every precaution to ensure that didn't happen. If you want this baby then have this baby

Have your baby. He may get over his cold feet, he may not. Either way, you’ll have opportunities in the future to find a new relationship - but there may not be another opportunity to have a child.

As plenty of people here have said, it’s not necessarily easy to raise a child alone, but it’s entirely possible to do it happily and successfully.

Think about the possible alternative - you stay in a happy relationship with your partner, but potentially end up being childless. What decision will you most regret when you look back on your life - losing him or losing this baby?

End the relationship. Keep the baby. You'll be fine x

Don’t let him pressurise you.

This is ultimately YOUR decision, not his.

Also don’t fall for the ‘it’s not the right time’ narrative. Quite honestly it’s never the right time and always so worth it in the end 💐

IF you terminate, you’ve got to live with the regret for the rest of your life. Your relationship would die sooner or later anyway, because of the regret and resentment.

He's prioritising a holiday over a baby what a jerk

Wow, honestly was not expecting all these lovely replies and very good advice.

I think either way our relationship will be over. I will resent him for sure and he will resent me.

He knew I wanted a baby eventually and said he was 'open' to the idea, we were using protection and it was not planned.

So not to drip feed too much. He is 48 - With 19 year old twin sons. One of his concerns was what would they think about their dad having another baby.

I have a great support system around me and am very close to parents and sisters who would give me all the support I need. Financially not in a great position with not much savings and currently living at home with parents - Moved back when I needed support and never left. He on the other hand owns his own house and is a teacher.

The biggest fear I have is being old and have no one who loves me or cares for me. Having my own baby means I have something to live for and improve my life as much as I can.

We are due to meet tomorrow - He has asked to take me for a 'drink' think that in its self says it all.

Oh have the baby. I had my DD (13) on my own - but I wasn’t on my own for long! We’re a team, she’s my partner in crime 😂. I’ve been with my DP for four years now but we’re as close as ever. Because I never had a needy man child around it wasn’t actually as hard as I expected, I did have a very good support system though.

At 38 this really maybe the last time you could even get pregnant naturally. There are always exceptions to the norm but I wouldn't bet my life on being one.

If you feel that you can do this, and that this man would be a worthy father even if he isn't with you, then go for it.

I'll put my hard hat on and say it would be selfish to have a child with a man that clearly would not want to be involved at all sadly,only for the child's sake as that keaves deep scars.

Op in time you will meet the right person but for now hay you having a baby have a great support network around you, you can do this,
Tomorrow see what he has to say, you might be surprised, might not be either way you'll carry on with without him by your side,
Only think of now , the future not our to see ' as the saying goes ' but you'll have all the love you need by your baby and family,

I know this doesn’t apply to most women but I was not able to have children. I know I was also too “sensible” - waiting for the right circumstances etc so don’t leave it hoping circumstances will change. THIS is your time and your chance. I wish you all the best for a healthy, happy pregnancy!

If you were 10 years younger you would probably have time. At 38, this might be your only chance. It's all right for men and their not the right times, but they don't have clocks ticking like women do.

If you terminate your relationship probably would turn into resentment. You have to do what feels right for you

If you want to have the baby, and feel you have the right support around you then go for it. Plenty do it alone, and do a fine job of doing it alone.
You deserve happiness after what you have been through
A lot of men panic a bit when they start thinking about the financial side of things.
Best of luck OP

Have your baby. It's ridiculous that he's worried about a booked holiday in August, as if you've told him you've got a clashing work conference or something. And you're right to think big picture - never mind the maternity pay package when you are 38 and time is limited. And don't dismiss your natural and normal feelings as "hormones". What's his excuse?

I agree.

Be prepared to do it alone but don't make any decisions and try to avoid saying things there's no coming back from at this point.

I felt panic when I found out I was pregnant with the child we'd been actively trying for.

He's not behaving well but I also think some men are quite clueless about pregnancy and how it cannot just be timed perfectly to suit the rest of life. They don't have the now or never because it doesn't apply to them and often think it can just happen whenever they decide.

I'd spell out this isn't the case but try and avoid taking your relationship to a cliff edge before it is really necessary.

Well, there you go. You do not owe any man an abortion. Ever. If he's not prepared to step up to the responsibility that he claimed to be "open to" (a clearly bad-faith claim, as he knew your age and clearly hadn't given the idea a moment's serious thought), then that's on him.

In your position I would 100% keep the baby. It’s sad that many men (and some women) think terminating a pregnancy is such an easy option. It can be, and is, extremely traumatic for many women.

I hate that women are called ‘selfish’ when men don’t want to step up to a life they have had equal part in creating. It’s is the very opposite of selfish.

Yes, and claim to be "shocked" and "panicked" when a sexual relationship results in pregnancy.

Have the baby. Termination is traumatic even when you’re really sure you don’t want the baby. You do. Have the baby.

Him bringing up the holiday in August is a sign that the news needs to sink in a bit more. I don't think he's being rational at this point and I would take his words with a pinch of salt. He's panicking and just throwing all of his concerns on you.

The main obsticles are you living with your parents (are they OK with you bringing a baby into the household?) and him having two t9-year olds I think. They may well not be thrilled about the news but he won't know until he's talked to them. Most couples only have to consider themselves in these situations but you both have other people you rely on/rely on you.

Yeah okay with further context I'm thinking he's not just having a panic and actually he's going to be a bit of a deadbeat in this regard (although I could be wrong).

If he strung you along pretending he might be open to more children when actually he was pretty much set against it, that was really poor of him and I definitely think less of his character. Fair enough not to want to go there again but don't lie to a woman about something so important.

I did it alone with young children and we made it through (although my ex husband was a decent man and a great father who stayed involved as much as he could, so I appreciate I wasn't entirely alone; but for the most part I did the day-to-day parenting and bore the vast majority of parenting responsibility. I also had no wider support network in this country, which you do have. You've got a village to help you raise your child and to support you and your needs).

Yes there were challenging bits here and there but it was totally worth it and we're still a close and happy unit now, including my now husband who came along later.

Have your baby, you won’t regret it.

it’s ok to wobble and panic about a pregnancy, maybe your partner is just nervous? It seems a big jump from what you’ve said to him leaving.

Don't panic. For most men, realising that they are going to be a father is a massive shock no matter how solid the relationship is. Give him at least a week to come to terms with the news and try not to catastrophise.

he is worried about his holiday?! Chuck this one back and keep your baby. You will be fine and this is probably the last chance you will have to have a child. I had my dd at 39 (pg at 38) and it is great.

Op I think this pregnancy might be the best thing that could have happened to you.

If it turns out that he really doesn't want another child its sooo much better you find out now rather than when you're 42, for example. He may not have really known how he felt until until this happened either, I wouldn't assume he's deliberately misled you.

I agree with the others that he may well just be in shock and will come around to happiness soon.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🥳🥳🥳