HELP

[Anon333]

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice on my situation.

I have been on 4 dates with a man (we also texted/phonecalled for about two weeks prior to our first date).
He told me he didn't want to be exclusive yet but he also told me he wasn't seeing or speaking to others bar me....
Last week we arranged a date for Tuesday and Sunday of this week.

Fast forward to yesterday (Tuesday) the day of our 5th date I hadn't heard from him. I messaged him to ask what rime we were meeting tonight and he said an old flame had got in touch with him on Sunday night and he was interested and excited to meet up with her so he thought we should cancel our date and end things. (This was a shock to me as obviously I had no idea the old flame had got in touch on Sunday and myself and him had been speaking normally and happily on Sunday and Monday).

Now he is wondering if because we aren't exclusive yet whether he can see both of us until he decides who to be exclusive with.
Now I obviously know dating multiple people at once is the norm for many these days, and as we aren't exclusive yet he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. But I feel a type of way about it.
A ) this is our 5th date so I was hoping exclusivity would be on the horizon soon. This old flame now seems like it will push it back exclusivity further.
And B) Now I actually know about this woman I feel in direct competition with her.

(Right or wrong I now feel he will be comparing our dates to his and hers, my looks and personality to hers etc.)

Can I even compete with an old flame he has history with?

Any advice or perspective?

Fuck that. I’d be out.

Cut and run

Nope. Chuck it back.

Bail out. Leave them to it.

Finish it. He's having a laugh at your expense. It might be different if you were both seeing other people but he seems to be building a harem.

Don't do the pick me dance OP if someone is worth the time, emotions and commitment of a relationship they don't play games.

Can you guys expand on this /why you feel that way ? I'm torn as I know these days multi dating /non exclusivity seems to be the norm until exclusivity is defined. So I guess technically he isn't doing anything wrong.
But this is all new territory to me and I feel confused.

He wants you to hang around while he shags someone else and decides which one of you gets the “prize”?

Avsolutely not. Tell him to fuck right off.

I wouldn't ever want to put myself in the position of knowing I was just an option. It will really kill your self esteem and self worth. Best to move on. Youbdont want to be forced into playing the pick me dance to his specific tune.

Throw this one back in the sea OP

Wish him well for the future.

Because it’s disrespectful to you and her.

Because you are not an option.

Because he will never make a decision and string you both along for months - why would he, when he gets to have sex with two people?

Because relationships are not an audition.

Because he will ruin your self-esteem and mental health.

Because you deserve a man that only wants you.

Forget about what other people are doing. If you’re not comfortable then end it. I think dating multiple people only works until you catch feelings. I can’t imagine anyone honestly being happy with someone they really like dating other people.

I spoke to one of my friends who also used multi dating to find her partner . And she said whilst it's not a nice feeling a lot of people are doing it these days, and until exclusivity is defined he's technically not doing anything wrong... which I fully understand.

I could deal with not being exclusive YET until the point he felt ready to define it as exclusive. But what I'm struggling with is actually knowing about this other woman. I kinda wish he'd not told me and just saw her /talked to her without me knowing.

Now he is wondering if because we aren't exclusive yet whether he can see both of us until he decides who to be exclusive with.

Who does he think he is? Do not play this game. Send a pleasant, breezy message saying better to end things, hope it works out for him and old flame.

Absolutely no way, I’d be telling him I’m no longer interested.

The fact that’s he’s excited about this old flame means that he’s not into you enough and/or still has feelings for her. You’d end up getting hurt in the long run.

you deserve someone who just wants you.

@Anon333 I agree with the sentiment of the other posters here, I would hate to be in that situation, if you start dating someone they are your focus until you decide otherwise, that is just plain courtesy.
However I do chuckle at this as I have read many aa thread on her where the woman is keeping her options open and that is fully supported my MN cohort...

I think dating multiple people is a bit weird as surely you want to concentrate on one person to see if you like them. Just feels disrespectful, either be into me for a while or don’t but I’m not going to be a second choice. I would rather be not right for me than a back up shag.

Well, I mean he is being transparent and telling you what he wants. But it's up to you whether this is something you can continue with. Personally, I would cut and run. You've said yourself that you will see yourself in direct competition and this will affect your self-confidence. Dating multiple people is very different to dating two people and then choosing the "best".

This man just downgraded you to 2nd place and you think of staying and accepting these terms?
Dont play the pick me dance, don’t go for a situationship, don’t have sex with him, tell him you ll see him around and disappear into thin air, leave him to his ex.

Have changed my post.

I think the exclusivity language is really unhelpful here because it makes clear an intention to see multiple people. For me, the more natural thing is to spend a bit of time getting to know one person but moving on quite quickly if they’re not for you, not playing the field and making women or men compete over you. As PPs have said - this man is making you his plan B. You’re not someone’s Plan B. Let him go.

I don’t think multi dating is the norm, it’s certainly not healthy. It’s what ever you are willing to put up with and I wouldn’t put up with that shit. Who wants to play ‘Pick Me!’, find someone who really likes you and walk away if you want to keep your sanity,

Multi dating is one thing, but he's basically told you you're the back up option, the second choice, if things don't work with the old flame. It's not the same as meeting different people to find out more about them to see who is most compatible.

Agree with PP. come on raise your bar. He’s basically told you this other woman is his first choice and thinks you should wait in the background while he sees how it goes with her.

Thats not multi dating, that’s creating you as a back up plan. Why be someone’s second choice?

Just because some people use multi dating as an excuse to play the field, it’s not compulsory and it’s ratter grubby and disrespectful imo.

Id you like someone why on earth would you keep looking for a better offer?

I agree. In most cases it’s just an excuse to keep chasing a better offer but having someone available as a back up.