HELP

[Anon333]

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice on my situation.

I have been on 4 dates with a man (we also texted/phonecalled for about two weeks prior to our first date).
He told me he didn't want to be exclusive yet but he also told me he wasn't seeing or speaking to others bar me....
Last week we arranged a date for Tuesday and Sunday of this week.

Fast forward to yesterday (Tuesday) the day of our 5th date I hadn't heard from him. I messaged him to ask what rime we were meeting tonight and he said an old flame had got in touch with him on Sunday night and he was interested and excited to meet up with her so he thought we should cancel our date and end things. (This was a shock to me as obviously I had no idea the old flame had got in touch on Sunday and myself and him had been speaking normally and happily on Sunday and Monday).

Now he is wondering if because we aren't exclusive yet whether he can see both of us until he decides who to be exclusive with.
Now I obviously know dating multiple people at once is the norm for many these days, and as we aren't exclusive yet he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. But I feel a type of way about it.
A ) this is our 5th date so I was hoping exclusivity would be on the horizon soon. This old flame now seems like it will push it back exclusivity further.
And B) Now I actually know about this woman I feel in direct competition with her.

(Right or wrong I now feel he will be comparing our dates to his and hers, my looks and personality to hers etc.)

Can I even compete with an old flame he has history with?

Any advice or perspective?

@Anon333 I don't understand why you are trying to persuade yourself to be okay with this? Just because it is normal for others and doesn't mean it has to be your normal. It obviously makes you uncomfortable and that is okay too. Also, this is just 1 girl, what happens when others catch his eye? Don't lower your worth and your boundaries hoping he will one day choose you. By then he would have already affected your self esteem and you will be happily accepting crumbs.

I once briefly dated a guy who was "exclusive" with me but would openly gravitate back towards messaging his old flame whenever things weren't going his or we had had a disagreement. It was very much a case of "look i have more options than you, so you should put up with it and be lucky I'm here". At one stage he started messaging me pretending to be her to make it more believable. In my case, he was insane but never again will I lower my own boundaries to put in a situation like that again. It was a really awful feeling.

My reading of this is that he prefers her but is keeping you around as a back up in case it does not work out with her. That would be unacceptable to me.
I understand you are not ‘exclusive’ but look at the facts - he agreed to see you and cancelled that to see her instead. Surely the appropriate action for non-exclusive would be to keep your date and tell HER he was not available on that day as he had another date and see her at a later date. But he didn’t did he? He prioritised her over you. This to me is the line he crossed and why he would have to go.

Honestly, don't waste your time with him! You're looking for exclusively and he's not. You've only had 4 dates with this guy, just wish him well and move on - he's not the one for you!

OP don’t make someone your priority when to them you’re only classed as an option.
throw this one back and block his number. You’re worth more than this shite.

Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming.

It turns out you have accidentally kissed an old toad. He hasn't turned into a prince. Walk away and keep on looking!

Personally I’d be happy with multidating I wasn’t sleeping with any of them, it really changes the dynamic with potential get attached and makes it harder to move on. As others have said, this situation doesn’t sound good for you, I’d fuck it off

If you want a guy with the same values then don’t accept this multi dating crap.

You aren’t exclusive but he is pushing it by telling you it’s a no and then asking if you’ll hang around whilst he has his shag. Thats just shitty behaviour whatever way you dress it up. For multicasting to work you need both parties to actually be on board and happy with it, not just one thinking he’s Peter stringfellow or whatever is a more current reference. Your date sounds like a sleazy teenager with how he’s handled it. Discretion would be one thing but he left you hanging on the day of a date and then dumped this on you. You deserve better than this - take some time to work on your self worth and then find someone that respects you, shares similar values to you and someone who doesn’t play games.

To me it feels like there’s a difference between agreeing with a partner that things are still at an early stage and accepting non-exclusivity, vs him telling you about a specific ex and letting you know he’s dating you both until he makes his mind up. Ultimately it’s how it sits with you though? I’m guessing that what he’s said is making you feel hurt/uncomfortable in some way? Listen to those feelings. Best of luck.

OP, he doesn't have to be doing anything 'wrong' for it not to work for you.

It's fine to feel how you feel.

An old flame is a bit different to having another date with someone he just met who are on more level ground with you.

I would just tell him to date her and explore the relationship if that's how he feels, but I'm out for now. You don't have to explain yourself or say he's doing anything 'wrong'. You can just say this situation isn't for you.

It's also OK to not like multi dating and just own that.

If there comes a point in the future when she's off the scene both of you are single and available then maybe you can reconsider, but he is obviously quite into her.

He also cancelled your planned date to go and meet her. That's a little different to just 'not being exclusive' - it puts you straight on the back foot and will naturally make you feel less of a priority. It's not an even playing field.

I think he's trying to get you both to compete for his attention and for me that would be a huge turn off, it's disrespectful. If you respect someone then you don't cancel one date for another.

He prefers her to you,if he didn’t he would have told her no and concentrated on getting to know you.
youre second choice,he cancelled your date to see her,does this not tell you how he feels. He has a history with her,so potentially has some feelings.

back out now,and don’t settle for something that you don’t like just to please him.

Your relationships aren't a court of law. He doesn't need to have done anything technically wrong for you to dump and block.

Honestly this will wreck your head, end it now.

Ah sorry if I've caused confusion - he cancelled our date last night because he is intending to make plans to see his old flame at some point and will want to multi date us both.
He hasn't ACTUALLY met up with her yet. Just been texting her.
So he didn't cancel our date to go and see her, he cancelled our date because he wants to start to see her too at some point.
Does that make sense ?

No. Move on.

He told you to see how much shit you’re willing to take from him.

God this whole new ‘multi dating’ norm does my head in. As does the we’re not exclusive until I say so thing. Makes women doubt themselves and second guess while they mostly feel a bit crap about it and themselves.

Just because men have found a whole new way of servicing themselves does not mean you have to go along with it. Okay if you’re having one date, go nope and move to the next date. But this was your 5th date and you liked him enough to want to go exclusive. But he doesn’t.

That tells you that you are not on the same page here. Walk away! Like other posters said, he’s showing you his character and deciding whether to stick or twist. F7ck that. You are worth more and any man is lucky to date you. Say goodbye and find the man who knows that they’re lucky to date / be with you.

That is even worse. My god he sounds like an utter wanker! The kind who feels noble for being honest about his multiple sex partners.

And how will you feel if the ex decides not to see him again? Like you weren’t the first choice.

Wish him well and move on!

It doesn’t make sense why you’d accept being treated like this no.

So he’s still into his ex and there’s a chance he could win her back and if that’s doesn’t work he wants you to hang in there and be his plan b? Nah nah and nah. He might be wanting to make his ex jealous by having someone else interested or he might be testing the water to see how much he can walk over you in the future, either way nah.

Not really, no!

You're obviously not comfortable so just tell him you're out for now.

I would just say no thanks. It’s totally fine that an old flame got in touch and they are meeting up. And it would be totally fine for him to have still carried on with your plans together. But it’s the fact he’s told you and created this head game situation that is unacceptable.

Going on dates with multiple people in the early days is normal and fine, but messing about with their feelings is not. My guess is that he told old flame that he had a date with someone he was seeing and suddenly she wanted to see him too. He’s made it into a game and that’s not cool.

Sort of but not really. It doesn't change anything. He's more into her and you don't need the impact on your self-esteem that will inevitably come from this. Wish him well and move on to someone who doesn't prefer their old flame.

Please OP don’t engage with this bullshit.
He hasn’t done anything wrong? He cancelled a date with you and told you how excited he is to have an old flame in touch?
That is absolutely rank.
All this multi-dating, exclusive stuff is a smokescreen usually for men to shag about with no consequences.
This is not Love Island.
I he liked you and had respect for you, and wanted to take things further, he’d have told this woman he’d met someone else.
Now he’s salivating that he has two potential shags lined up and is very pleased with himself.
Set your own boundaries. If you do, and want to date one person only, then you will find someone who feels the same in time.
Don’t settle for this low level behaviour.

Just to clarify again he didn't cancel plans with me to go and see her. He didn't see her last night. He cancelled the date because he was processing that he was interested in meeting upwith her at SOME POINT and processing he'd have to multi date us both. So he didn't cancel the date to see her . Sorry if that caused confusion. X

Just to clarify again he didn't cancel plans with me to go and see her. He didn't see her last night. He cancelled the date because he was processing that he was interested in meeting upwith her at SOME POINT and processing he'd have to multi date us both. So he didn't cancel the date to see her . Sorry if that caused confusion. X

Just to clarify again he didn't cancel plans with me to go and see her. He didn't see her last night. He cancelled the date because he was processing that he was interested in meeting upwith her at SOME POINT and processing he'd have to multi date us both. So he didn't cancel the date to see her . Sorry if that caused confusion. X