HELP

[Anon333]

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice on my situation.

I have been on 4 dates with a man (we also texted/phonecalled for about two weeks prior to our first date).
He told me he didn't want to be exclusive yet but he also told me he wasn't seeing or speaking to others bar me....
Last week we arranged a date for Tuesday and Sunday of this week.

Fast forward to yesterday (Tuesday) the day of our 5th date I hadn't heard from him. I messaged him to ask what rime we were meeting tonight and he said an old flame had got in touch with him on Sunday night and he was interested and excited to meet up with her so he thought we should cancel our date and end things. (This was a shock to me as obviously I had no idea the old flame had got in touch on Sunday and myself and him had been speaking normally and happily on Sunday and Monday).

Now he is wondering if because we aren't exclusive yet whether he can see both of us until he decides who to be exclusive with.
Now I obviously know dating multiple people at once is the norm for many these days, and as we aren't exclusive yet he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. But I feel a type of way about it.
A ) this is our 5th date so I was hoping exclusivity would be on the horizon soon. This old flame now seems like it will push it back exclusivity further.
And B) Now I actually know about this woman I feel in direct competition with her.

(Right or wrong I now feel he will be comparing our dates to his and hers, my looks and personality to hers etc.)

Can I even compete with an old flame he has history with?

Any advice or perspective?

I don’t get this dating multiple people, you either like someone or not and if you’re interested in them no one else matters. I think I did see 2 lads at the same time for about 2 weeks but then I was 16 !.

I also feel that as she’s an ex well to me he already knows enough about her to know if he wants a relationship with her or not. That speaks to me that she did the dumping and he’s hoping she wants him back, but keeping you on the back burner just in case.

so sorry my advice is move on

How old is he?

@Anon333 don’t be desperate. The guy is not all that into you. Move on and find someone who respects you and wants only you

Probably ok if you don’t know about it, but knowing he is seeing some old flame and you, just no. I’d wish him well and just put it down to experience. Up to you, but I wouldn’t personally date multiple people at once no.

He is 35

I was going to say something similar.

Even if multi dating was the norm it's what the OP is comfortable with that is important. Not what other people may or may not put up with.

Just to clarify .. I agree with many of the posters on here that don't like multi dating. I also don't like multi dating myself!

But as we know people are sadly encouraged to 'kept their options open' and 'not put all their eggs in one basket ' until exclusivity is agreed upon.
So whilst I don't like multi dating/non exclusivity myself , it is sadly socially acceptable and the norm for many people dating nowadays .
That's why although I don't like it myself I can't say he's doing anything wrong as we aren't exclusive yet. :(

It would be OK if you had both agreed this at the beginning and you were dating other people too however he's put you on the backburner with someone he already has shared history with. This isn't an equal situation.

He's just keeping his options open so he guarantees he has someone to be with.

He's also not just dating. He's looking at possibly reigniting a full relationship with an old flame.

If you want to multi date with someone then start again elsewhere with someone who is honest with you at the beginning.

You deserve better OP. Bet if you call it off he'll come running but hopefully you'll have moved on. Some men want it all and he's being totally selfish and callous imo.

I could grit my teeth and accept that until we are exclusive he has the right to date others.
The problem is knowing explicitly about this girl.

I asked him if they used to be in a relationship . He said no. He said she wasn't an ex. He said she was just someone he had history with and who he got on with before she moved away. But it wasn't a relationship he said.

Why do you need to say if he is doing something wrong/ not doing something wrong?
If it's not a situation that you are happy or comfortable with then it's wrong for YOU.
And you should walk away rather than put up wirh something you don't like!

If he’s 35, then he should know better. You’ve had 4 good dates but he’s strongly drawn to this old flame. He’s even cancelling on you to see her. That tells you everything you need to know. Let him go. You’re worth more than this.

Also @Sometimeinadifferentworld has nailed it: you don’t have to decide whether this is right or wrong. You only have to decide whether or not you’re okay with it. And it’s fine to decide you’re not. You don’t owe it to him to hang around as his plan B. You owe it to yourself to decide what’s right for you.

It's not a question of right or wrong, it's what you are comfortable with or not. You are allowed preferences and you are allowed to end things for any reason whatsoever. You are not hiring someone for a job where you have to be seen as fair, equitable, inclusive etc. You are allowed to make a completely free choice, even if the reason were as trivial as not liking his hair style or finding his hobby annoying.

@Anon333 I think dating multiples is fine at this stage as you are both free to do that BUT if he is telling you he is excited for a date with an old flame and is potentially seeing her instead of a date he was due to be seeing you, it probably tells you everything.

You don’t HAVE to do multi dating at all! Don’t give this loser all the power, find someone who’s into you and on your wavelength. Honestly, being single will be way better than how this shitty arrangement will make you feel.

My only advice is....dump him!!! He's just playing the field, having his cake and eating it.... pick the most appropriate one. He doesn't sound very reliable if he's off the moment someone else shows any interest. Bin him not worth the time or effort

Just read that he's 35!!! Sorry but could understand it more if he was a lot younger.
If you don't like the idea of multi dating (I wouldn't either) then there's your answer OP. Please don't let me dictate this. Take control. Dump. Move on. This situation will just make you miserable. Good luck whatever you decide.

Oh my god OP leave them to it! Have some self respect, please. You deserve more.

You are trampling over your own boundaries!

You admit you don’t like it. That’s enough to end it. It doesn’t matter what other people would do, you don’t like it so it should be a hard line for you.

If you start bending and breaking your own boundaries for a man you are inviting them to walk all over you.

Come on OP, you know deep down you’re not happy with this so why are you trying to convince yourself you should accept it?!

Can I even compete with an old flame he has history with?

The question is more 'why on earth would you want to compete?'

Fuck that. I don't care what the multi-dating rules say. You have to hang on to your self-worth or you're screwed. As soon as you're competing for him, it makes him the prize and you the schmuck. Tell him you'll make it easy for him - he's welcome to her - and go date other guys. Enjoy the benefits of multi-dating without the headfucks. Don't overthink it. Trust your gut. If something makes you feel bad, don't put up with it just because someone says it's normal. That's a slippery slide to lowering your standards and being stuck in a shit relationship.

Just because multi dating/non exclusive is ok for SOME people doesn’t mean you have to agree with it if it’s not for you.

Don't play the pick me dance with men who don’t really respect you.

Be true to you and tell them from the start you don’t do non exclusive - why go along with something that causes you angst?

You’re allowing this man to trample over your boundaries - why?

Do you honestly think a man who cancels plans with you so he can fuck his ex is someone who could have a future with? Come on find that self respect

You just said you don’t multi date yourself, so why are you considering it ‘because it’s the norm.’
He didn’t tell you on your first three dates because he wanted to hook you in, get you to like him so he can then tell you he is going to fuck other people. If you walk away, he will try it on with other women, till he finds other’s with low self esteem who is desperate for male attention.
Don’t be that woman!

@Anon333 two words for him!! first one begins with F and the second one ends in F!!!!

I don't care whether multi dating is the norm or not.
It's not for me.
And if somebody made it so absolutely crystal clear that I was a second best option, I'd be out of there quicker than you could blink.
I would much rather be single than have some bloke think he's a grand prize for me to fight over. No.

So whilst I don't like multi dating/non exclusivity myself , it is sadly socially acceptable and the norm for many people dating nowadays .

You've had a right number done on you OP! Who says it's socially acceptable? Who says it's the norm? Why do you believe them?

Well how about we stop this "trend" in its tracks by not engaging and exerting our self-respect.

(This has made me surprisingly angry for some reason)