HELP

[Anon333]

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice on my situation.

I have been on 4 dates with a man (we also texted/phonecalled for about two weeks prior to our first date).
He told me he didn't want to be exclusive yet but he also told me he wasn't seeing or speaking to others bar me....
Last week we arranged a date for Tuesday and Sunday of this week.

Fast forward to yesterday (Tuesday) the day of our 5th date I hadn't heard from him. I messaged him to ask what rime we were meeting tonight and he said an old flame had got in touch with him on Sunday night and he was interested and excited to meet up with her so he thought we should cancel our date and end things. (This was a shock to me as obviously I had no idea the old flame had got in touch on Sunday and myself and him had been speaking normally and happily on Sunday and Monday).

Now he is wondering if because we aren't exclusive yet whether he can see both of us until he decides who to be exclusive with.
Now I obviously know dating multiple people at once is the norm for many these days, and as we aren't exclusive yet he wouldn't be doing anything wrong. But I feel a type of way about it.
A ) this is our 5th date so I was hoping exclusivity would be on the horizon soon. This old flame now seems like it will push it back exclusivity further.
And B) Now I actually know about this woman I feel in direct competition with her.

(Right or wrong I now feel he will be comparing our dates to his and hers, my looks and personality to hers etc.)

Can I even compete with an old flame he has history with?

Any advice or perspective?

Because it's already making you feel like shit. That's good enough reason to bail out. How about if he decides to add in a third woman to date, someone from work? A fourth from the golf club? How does that feel?

Forget it, if someone is making you feel insecure, for whatever reason, walk the other way. There might be people out there that are genuinely fine with this situation, you don't sound like one of them and that's ok.

He has basically told you that he's auditioning the two of you for the role of his girlfriend. Why would you want to engage with that sort of behaviour? Saying he was ending it and then saying actually he may see if you're worth another date (or more likely to see if the old flame remembers why she ditched him in the first place). He sounds awful. He doesn't get to call the shots.

I think by participating in this real life “The Bachelor show” you are devaluing yourself. He is not going to think any better of you for trying so hard to be cool about him dating other women - in fact he will be even less interested in you because you aren’t scarce. If you don’t value yourself, why should he?

Tell him where to get off. He may actually never come to a decision about either of you and may move on to other prospects. Your time is much more precious than that.

I missed the bit where he wanted to end it with you but then decided to keep you as his spare.

Come on have some dignity and tell him to jog on.

There are thousands of eligible men available for dating in the UK alone.

Why do you feel so desperate to hang onto this muppet? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I met and married DH when I was late thirties after many dates and a couple of longer term relationships. Do not settle for anyone that doesn’t worship the ground you walk on and vice-versa.

OK. Tbh though this wouldn't change much for me.

You've posted it 3 times so it seems like you feel it's important.

Does this make you feel OK about it, or not?

Just listen to your gut. You don't have to justify yourself.