Can you tell me your thoughts on this guy please?

[DaisyDaisyDaisy3]

I have been seeing a guy a few months. He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things and appears emotionally available.
He is looking for his own place as had to move back with his mum after his relationship ended.
He doesn’t have any children and he doesn’t drive. He is very fit and cycles to work. I have teenagers and I drive.
I have been driving to his area as it’s on my way home from work and as I work in the community, it has worked out ok. He has used public transport to come to me and I have had to take him home a couple of times.
As he doesn’t have his own place yet (and probably won’t for another 6 to 12 months), he has come to mine to stay a few times (looks like that’s how it will be). I have cooked etc. we have gone out but it’s me driving. We take it in turns to buy drinks and food.
I have started to feel like it’s a little unequal and wanted to hear your thoughts.
He was nights last week so I cooked for him Sunday and took him home on my way to work Monday (I have to go slightly out of my way). He has been off for 3 days and asked if I was visiting on Wednesday (today). I had already told him I have a busy week and I’m tired (time of the month). I told him I didn’t have any appointments his way this week and feeling tired. He answered with, you have driven my way before to see me without having appointments. I agreed but said I was so tired this week. I suggested getting a bus to lighten the load. Anyway he said he would see me Friday. He finishes work at 5 and I finish 4.30 so I said I would hang about for him. He suggested eating out so I agreed. Then he said whilst waiting for him, go to the pub and phone him to see what he wants and order our food. So basically pay. Then he said on Saturday we can go for a walk near where he lives (so I’m driving him home). I’m wondering where the romance in that is? He is not really thinking about my time and energy in all of this.
Im not feeling things are equal. I don’t mind taking it in turns with buying drinks and meals, I prefer that as I feel comfortable but I’m driving so it’s fuel and time and energy.
if he had his own place it might be more fair too.
I have driven to pick him up and taken him to look at a flat and payed for the food that day. We went to a pub after and I went to the toilet and he said, oh I thought you would have got a drink whilst in there. He watched me fill my car with fuel and take him home (as well as being in work all day and it was his day off). Later he said, oh I should have got the food, you paid for fuel.
Is he not getting it because he doesn’t drive?
How can I make this more equal?

Do you like him enough to overlook the fact that you even need to find ways to make it more equal? He sounds like a bit of a taker to me.

It sounds as though he is really on to a good thing: he has got you running around after him and basically paying for everything.
Honestly OP it sounds a very one sided relationship.

@DaisyDaisyDaisy3 I have seen this behaviour not just in relationships from non-drivers of both sexes. Personally I would find it very frustrating to be the one always driving, especially as the relationship develops. Unless he invests in a tandem :). I would question him about why he doesn't drive. Has he passed his test and just doesn't own a car? If you live in the centre of a major city with good transport links this is more understandable. However in most UK towns a car is almost a necessity. I would make sure this is not a long term situation and he will drive when he is financially able? Or I would be tempted to move on.

He appears genuine and kind and he can hold a conversation (not like previous dates). He is emotionally available.
yes, this is what I’m starting to feel so was hoping to find ways to make things more equal. I wonder if it’s because he’s not got children and doesn’t drive that he’s not understanding the time and energy as well as the financial aspects.

The fact he told you to get his food before he got there would be enough for me I’m afraid, you are not compatible. That feeling you have that you’re being used is your intuition. I know people don’t agree but I think it’s always wise to date someone at your level- so car driver, own home, good job etc, it all matters

I've only dated one non-driver and he was scrupulous about getting everywhere under his own steam; he never asked for lifts and would refuse them on principle because not driving was his choice.

He says he has never wanted to drive. His parents didn’t so he didn’t. He cycles to work and has never thought about driving.
Yes it is starting to feel one sided. Do I bring this up?

That’s a really really low bar though isn’t it?

@DaisyDaisyDaisy3 Until you have children I don't think you can actually begin to understand the impact on your time and energy levels. This will completely not figure in his consideration. If you need him to understand this you will need to do a lot of work to educate him on this. It is easy to be a kind, caring, nice person, having understanding of others who are in different life situations is a much more difficult skill.

I don't drive and I don't have children. I wouldn't expect someone else to run around after me like that.

It sounds as though he has some good points, but it doesn't really matter how good those good things are, when the bad things are outweighing the good then it is time to either have a frank and honest discussion with him, or call it a day.

You need to find out if he's ever taken driving lessons, has a license or has simply never learnt? You need to probe him on why he's never taken lessons, if it turns out he never has? Is it something he wants to do? Again probe him. If he has no intentions of learning to drive, and is happy cycling everywhere, then you need to think long-term. It will be you driving everywhere all the time, going forward. It won't be just taking your children places, but you'll end up doing it for him too. You are already feeling it's unequal, and if he's not going learn to drive, that feeling will not go away, it will fester, leading to resentment.

How far away does he live, why can't he cycle to you if he is fit and healthy?

I would not read too much into the food order... If they were pressed for time / hungry that is a reasonable thing to do. As long as he has been paying fair shares on food and drink.

What’s the geographical distance / public transport links like between your home and his Mum’s?

The pub food thing was poor. Also that he was off work but couldn’t be arsed to get to yours when you didn’t drive him.

If you want to continue dating him I’d say that you’ll stop picking him up / dropping off unless it’s fully on your way, as you’re not enjoying the dynamic. If he’s into you and an adult he’ll get it.

Well early days in relationships often need some working out and discussion about wants and needs; obviously you talk to him about your feelings. His response will tell you what you need to know - does he take your needs seriously and ask you how he can help? Or does he gaslight you and make you feel like your needs are less important than his wants? We all have needs, and he might have some that you have to take into consideration too.

Relationships are about working together to find a way that works for you both. It shouldn't be hard work. And he should be caring about you feeling tired and needing space.

This is the honeymoon phase. He is presenting his best self, which is already very one-sided. It will slip once he gets more comfortable.

Do you want another teenager to ferry around and buy food for?

I would pump the brakes on the driving and meal buying, to see whether he starts to facilitate things off of his own steam. If he steps up, there’s your answer.

PS, not driving “because my parents don’t” is a lame excuse. Bit of a red flag—I’ve done loads that my parents never did. How long he continues to live with Mum (how much drive he has to get back on his own two feet) is another thing to watch out for—and if his answer to moving out from Mummy’s is your house—run for the hills!

You're not wrong OP, he sounds like a low level grifter. You're not being assertive at all here though and maybe you should be more direct. When he said he should have paid for the food because you got the petrol, how about if you'd said 'Yes, it was £30, you can transfer it to me'. Or when he rudely asked you to order his food, you could have said you'd order but it's his turn to pay. Just be firm on your boundaries about his expectations of you driving. Don't rationalise or explain, just no, that doesn't work for me this week. Sounds like if it was going to require any effort on his part, he CBA. I think you should bin him, but you have some more work to do on your own boundaries and assertiveness.

If he (non driver) lives more than 30-40 mins drive away with crap public transport probably wouldn’t date him because I dislike driving and do enough chauffeuring of the DC!

Different if it’s 15 mins or something with a bus or train part of the way.

It'd be a no from me. This is the first few months when he's meant to be showing you his very best side and he can't even make things roughly equal. He's got you driving him around, doesn't seem to "see" what you're putting in. He should have paid for your food as a thank you for taking him to see the flat at the very least. I think you'd be in for a lifetime of pushing back, educating him, making sure he's not taking too much from you. It sounds exhausting.

Other than being his unpaid personal Uber and Deliveroo, what do you get out of the relationship?

It does sound like he takes a lot for granted. How far apart are you and could he cycle to you sometimes instead eg the times when it's not convenient for you to be a taxi service? I think before you get more involved you need to have a conversation and explain how you feel. You need to be clear on your expectations or he will continue to enjoy you running around after him, cooking for him and generally being at his beck and call.

I don't drive and wouldn't expect someone to give me lifts, in fact I moved to a city with excellent transport because I can't drive.

It sounds like you live quite a distance from each other and transport isn't great if you have to give him lifts home.

If his new place is in the same area, then I'd think about knocking it on the head because it's not working.

He can get a cab home if there's no public transport but I imagine that might be very expensive. I usually buy someone a drink, offer to pay towards petrol or buy tickets if they're giving me a lift.

As far as paying for food, you said you're taking it in turns. I would look for a relationship closer to home if you're too tired.

Don't underestimate how much this is who he is. A taker. Is that the sort of man you want? Because trying to address this issue won't change who he is.

I didn't drive until I was 28 - but my boyfriends were not taxi services. I used taxis for that!

but there's a bigger picture here. He doesn't ask or appreciate - he simply expects you to cater to his needs, and when you don't, he comments in such a way as to better train you to cater to his needs.

And this is when he is on his best behaviour.

His lift was more important to him than your tiredness. He is NOT a kind man.

Hrs taking you for granted already and expecting you to jump when he says so.

Its a no from me.