Can you tell me your thoughts on this guy please?

[DaisyDaisyDaisy3]

I have been seeing a guy a few months. He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things and appears emotionally available.
He is looking for his own place as had to move back with his mum after his relationship ended.
He doesn’t have any children and he doesn’t drive. He is very fit and cycles to work. I have teenagers and I drive.
I have been driving to his area as it’s on my way home from work and as I work in the community, it has worked out ok. He has used public transport to come to me and I have had to take him home a couple of times.
As he doesn’t have his own place yet (and probably won’t for another 6 to 12 months), he has come to mine to stay a few times (looks like that’s how it will be). I have cooked etc. we have gone out but it’s me driving. We take it in turns to buy drinks and food.
I have started to feel like it’s a little unequal and wanted to hear your thoughts.
He was nights last week so I cooked for him Sunday and took him home on my way to work Monday (I have to go slightly out of my way). He has been off for 3 days and asked if I was visiting on Wednesday (today). I had already told him I have a busy week and I’m tired (time of the month). I told him I didn’t have any appointments his way this week and feeling tired. He answered with, you have driven my way before to see me without having appointments. I agreed but said I was so tired this week. I suggested getting a bus to lighten the load. Anyway he said he would see me Friday. He finishes work at 5 and I finish 4.30 so I said I would hang about for him. He suggested eating out so I agreed. Then he said whilst waiting for him, go to the pub and phone him to see what he wants and order our food. So basically pay. Then he said on Saturday we can go for a walk near where he lives (so I’m driving him home). I’m wondering where the romance in that is? He is not really thinking about my time and energy in all of this.
Im not feeling things are equal. I don’t mind taking it in turns with buying drinks and meals, I prefer that as I feel comfortable but I’m driving so it’s fuel and time and energy.
if he had his own place it might be more fair too.
I have driven to pick him up and taken him to look at a flat and payed for the food that day. We went to a pub after and I went to the toilet and he said, oh I thought you would have got a drink whilst in there. He watched me fill my car with fuel and take him home (as well as being in work all day and it was his day off). Later he said, oh I should have got the food, you paid for fuel.
Is he not getting it because he doesn’t drive?
How can I make this more equal?

I wouldn't write him off but I would be clear as day about what you want from him, whether he's pulling a fast one when you do let him know your needs and whether he does make changes.

I don't drive. I have epilepsy.
I've always been independent. Love walking, running, public transport (I actually enjoy train and bus journeys!). I don't really cycle on the road for safety unfortunately.

This means what when I'm offered a lift I offer petrol money, often refuse lifts, etc but I don't have much real life concept of how much it costs to drive. Same as I don't know intuitively how much it is to keep a large dog. I know fuel is expensive but I don't have a mental meter running like a driver. I can imagine but don't know first hand how tiring driving truly is, the mental load, parking etc. what I mean is I do my best to be fair but can never be sure I'm not missing the mark. I'd much rather people didn't offer out of politeness or habit when I can't reciprocate and don't fully know how much or when to offer money appropriately. If I ask (I rarely do), I would want you to refuse if it's not convenient.

I think he's taking you for granted already and it's time to pull back. You're a very giving and kind person. Put some limits in place.

The thing about 'just order for me, will you? When he's suggested a walk next time sounds off. I'd push back and meet him at the pub then order together. If he's saving for a flat after a big breakup that's fine but not on your budget. Don't absorb him into your family finances and mental load.

I'd say proceed with caution.

See what his natural level of generosity and effort is, match that and see if it works with yours. Don't try and raise the average. If you're not happy with the way things are, move on or see for casual dates.

No don't bring it up

it's not compulsory to have a partner

Just end it. And then raise your standards.

your description of him is like you're picking something essential that you must have, like a toothbrush. There is no need to have a partner. You might like to have one, sure.

But why would you choose one who is treating you as a personal maid and chauffeur?

Yes and yes. Also it’s quite expensive to maintain a car and given what you’ve described of him, likely he’s just too tight to pay for driving lessons and then car ownership. Why bother when so many women are seemingly willing to ferry one around for free?!

I generally agree he sounds a bit tight and it'll be an uphill struggle but I also think you've rushed in to meet him rather more generously than halfway.

Hence if he seems a good egg apart from this, I would try a couple more dates on your terms (doesn't have to be a big announcement) and see if things adjust naturally.

He is a scrounger. If you are cooking for him and driving the least he could do would be to take you out for a meal and pay. Get rid. Waste of space.

Why are you dating him? A boyfriend is solely for enhancing your life, making it peaceful, easier and fun.
I can't see any reason to go on any more dates or chauffeuring of this homeless man.

I would stop giving lifts as a start. Unless it suits you & you have offered then the bus awaits him. He chooses not to drive, so he is choosing the bus. I get your place is more convenient for now but that doesn't make you his taxi

I stopped reading at he doesn’t drive and lives with his mum

It sounds like you've inherited another teenager to taxi around! Any reason why he can't get himself to the meeting points or home from your house by bike or public transport?

I’m agreeing is you’re his chauffeur the least he can do is feed and water you.

I do agree with other PP that he could be a stealth cocklodger in waiting

Starts with ‘why don’t I just stay tonight’ followed by ‘I might as well stay all weekend’ and finally ‘well I’m here so often why don’t it just move in’

He sounds like a bit of a user tbh. But if you really really like him, you could discuss how you are feeling with him. If he is genuinely a decent man he will make changes - his reaction and consequent action (or not) will tell you everything you need to know about him.

'He appears genuine and kind'

Yes he's genuinely using you and KIND-of taking the piss.

The driving wouldn't be a big deal for me but he sounds like a tight arse. And that's an instant no from me.

It’s easy to say (because we expect others to not take the piss out of us, so we give them the benefit of the doubt), but you’ve got to start as you mean to go on.

This man is seriously taking the piss out of you.

He knows exactly what he is doing.

He needs to find another mummy.

Yeah, you've not got yourself a top five percent man here.

He should be earning at least 500k a year and that house he owns should have at least six bedrooms and be rural. I know people who can't drive for medical reasons but you don't want a man like that - I'll bet he isn't well over six foot too.

Don't worry, its a learning process but remebee the golden rules.

1. If he's short your relationship is nought.

1. Under six foot two he's not for you.

1. If he's not rich throw him in the ditch.

And of course.

1. If he doesn't pick you up in a Bentley let him down gently.

None of those things matter, the man is homeless and exploiting the OP.

It sounds a bit like you're his mum

Woman: I just want someone who isn't homeless, carless and tighter than Catwoman's jumpsuit

Incel: wOmen OnLY wANt 6'2, RicH moDEls with beNTLeys!#!#!!!

I think if you are feeling this now, a few months in, it will only get worse because in all likelihood you will remain the sole driver in the relationship.

I agree with a PP that people are best off dating someone on a similar level with regards to being a driver, having their own home etc.

Anyway he said he would see me Friday. He finishes work at 5 and I finish 4.30 so I said I would hang about for him. He suggested eating out so I agreed. Then he said whilst waiting for him, go to the pub and phone him to see what he wants and order our food. So basically pay. Then he said on Saturday we can go for a walk near where he lives (so I’m driving him home). I’m wondering where the romance in that is? He is not really thinking about my time and energy in all of this.

Oh, but he is thinking about your time and energy. He's thinking an awful lot about how your time and energy and car can be put to use for his benefit. Above is a perfect example. He gets a lift to yours from work, dinner bought for him, a shag, breakfast, then a lift home!

(And beside the point I know, but who on earth wants to eat dinner that early? I'd dump him for that alone!)

This.

If he thinks he can manage without a car he should be doing this in respect of managing a relationship with you. Not expecting you to fill the transport gaps.

Start saying no.

He isn't homeless, he lives with his mum.

Op at best he's thoughtless. Have a chat with him.

Also think about how this will affect your relationship long term. Everywhere you go you'll be the driver.....holidays, trips, nights out.......he'll never be the one picking you up from the station/airport/night out with the girls etc but I bet he'll ask you to pick him up.......

Being dependent on his mum to house him, and a new girlfriend to feed and chauffeur him is pretty unattractive.

Depends what OP wants from a boyfriend- an equal or a user.

Thankyou everyone. I have been reading after work. So many messages but very grateful.
To answer some questions.
What am I getting out of the relationship. I suppose company. We laugh and he talks about anything and everything. Potentially, travel and weekends away.
He has never taken driving lessons or has any intention of driving.
He has lived with his mum for a year whilst paying the mortgage with his ex. She had children so he moved out and she sold one of her properties to buy him out. It took about a year. He’s now looking and is desperate to move out. His dog is elderly and has been given months to live, he wouldn’t unsettle the dog and his mum is home to be with the dog at the moment. Lots of places won’t allow pets anyway.
He lives about 20 miles from me so not able to cycle as they’re busy roads.
I spoke to him today and mentioned how I felt. I said it would have been nice for him to lighten the load and make his way to me or at least make his way to the area I work. He said he had suggested meeting on his days off and I said yes but I’m tired this week and not in your area. He just said he has got off a night shift and caught a bus the same day, taking an hour to get to mine. He’s forgetting that I also cooked and cleaned away and dropped him home the next day. I just said I was tired and just trying to lighten the load as he was off work. He just said, why is this on me now?! He offered to see me in the week. I said yes, meaning me driving to pick you up (and probably cooking but I didn’t say this). He just said, you have done it before even when not having to pass through. I said, yes but this week I’m tired, time of the month etc. He just said, I don’t know what to say.
If I have missed something, I will add. I’m so grateful to read this. Sometimes you feel so alone.