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Original poster

Can you tell me your thoughts on this guy please?

117 replies

DaisyDaisyDaisy3 · 04/06/2025 07:16

I have been seeing a guy a few months. He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things and appears emotionally available.
He is looking for his own place as had to move back with his mum after his relationship ended.
He doesn’t have any children and he doesn’t drive. He is very fit and cycles to work. I have teenagers and I drive.
I have been driving to his area as it’s on my way home from work and as I work in the community, it has worked out ok. He has used public transport to come to me and I have had to take him home a couple of times.
As he doesn’t have his own place yet (and probably won’t for another 6 to 12 months), he has come to mine to stay a few times (looks like that’s how it will be). I have cooked etc. we have gone out but it’s me driving. We take it in turns to buy drinks and food.
I have started to feel like it’s a little unequal and wanted to hear your thoughts.
He was nights last week so I cooked for him Sunday and took him home on my way to work Monday (I have to go slightly out of my way). He has been off for 3 days and asked if I was visiting on Wednesday (today). I had already told him I have a busy week and I’m tired (time of the month). I told him I didn’t have any appointments his way this week and feeling tired. He answered with, you have driven my way before to see me without having appointments. I agreed but said I was so tired this week. I suggested getting a bus to lighten the load. Anyway he said he would see me Friday. He finishes work at 5 and I finish 4.30 so I said I would hang about for him. He suggested eating out so I agreed. Then he said whilst waiting for him, go to the pub and phone him to see what he wants and order our food. So basically pay. Then he said on Saturday we can go for a walk near where he lives (so I’m driving him home). I’m wondering where the romance in that is? He is not really thinking about my time and energy in all of this.
Im not feeling things are equal. I don’t mind taking it in turns with buying drinks and meals, I prefer that as I feel comfortable but I’m driving so it’s fuel and time and energy.
if he had his own place it might be more fair too.
I have driven to pick him up and taken him to look at a flat and payed for the food that day. We went to a pub after and I went to the toilet and he said, oh I thought you would have got a drink whilst in there. He watched me fill my car with fuel and take him home (as well as being in work all day and it was his day off). Later he said, oh I should have got the food, you paid for fuel.
Is he not getting it because he doesn’t drive?
How can I make this more equal?

OP posts:
napody · 04/06/2025 07:57

Agree with all pps. He shouldn't be just accepting you cooking every time at yours either- should offer to bring ingredients and cook or at least bring nice ready made food or takeaways sometimes. He doesn't sound at all considerate.

LauraP94 · 04/06/2025 08:07

Driving around all the time for a grown man and being asked to order and pay for him in the pub would give me the ick.

I’d set some boundaries and pull back a bit. Can’t he get a car? What is he doing to make you feel special? If he starts making more of an effort, then great. If not, I’d ditch him.

MissDoubleU · 04/06/2025 08:08

Yes, of course you do. If he’s as kind and emotionally available as you say he seems then he will listen and take what you say on board and constructively.

”I like what we have but I feel things are imbalanced. I am putting a lot of effort in, hosting and cooking for you as well as money on fuel and extra time picking you up and dropping you off. When I say im very tired you push back and rearrange so it will still be on me to do the picking up/driving. It would be nicer if for example, you offered to get the bus and perhaps pick us up a take away or offer to cook so we still see each other but with the effort coming from you. Right now this relationship feels very one sided and I am just looking for some balance.”

You’re already running after children while this man is at his mother’s house. Likely having every meal prepared for him. He can’t even offer to cook for you when he comes round!? You shouldn’t have to hold his hand this much to show him he’s taking advantage of you. You can try explaining the unfairness but I’d be prepared to walk away if he isn’t immediately apologetic and understanding. If you’re driving around after him and having him stay over he should at least be paying for the meal at the pub. He doesn’t seem willing to put his hand in his pocket for anything. Not even a bus ticket??

For comparison the first time my now DP came to my house to stay he actually offered to cook. He brought a huge lasagne he’d prepared at home in his own dish so as not to make mess in my kitchen. Whacked it straight in the oven so we could enjoy a relaxing glass of wine together. There was even plenty leftover which he made sure got popped away for my lunch the next day. Expect more OP.

babystarsandmoon · 04/06/2025 08:19

Take it back a step and only meet him somewhere for pre planned dates so there’s no running around before or after work. If he wants to come over then that’s on him to get a bus or taxi there and back.

Pinetops · 04/06/2025 08:27

He’s treating you as his mum and I don’t believe for a minute he’s unaware of you paying for fuel and food. His circumstances reveal a lot about him. Warnings aplenty!

FetchezLaVache · 04/06/2025 08:29

Why will it take him 6-12 months to get his own place? I imagine he's very comfortable in his childhood bedroom, with his parents on hand to provide meals and laundry services. A pattern is starting to emerge here...

SpryCat · 04/06/2025 08:32

So basically you have another teenager to care for! Throw this one back and raise your bar.

MayaPinion · 04/06/2025 08:34

I reckon you have an incipient cock lodger there. Before you know it he’ll have moved in by stealth and you’ll be ferrying him around and buying his food.

bigboykitty · 04/06/2025 08:43

Any idea why his last relationship ended, @DaisyDaisyDaisy3 ? I'm interested in the idea that he 'had to' move back in with parents and doesn't seem in a rush to leave. If I 'had to' do this as an adult, I would be on a mission to get my own place as soon as humanly possible.

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/06/2025 08:58

FetchezLaVache · 04/06/2025 08:29

Why will it take him 6-12 months to get his own place? I imagine he's very comfortable in his childhood bedroom, with his parents on hand to provide meals and laundry services. A pattern is starting to emerge here...

So that he can campaign to move in with the OP, I think.

This is a currently non-resident cocklodger.

CourageConsort · 04/06/2025 09:04

It doesn't matter whether anyone here is being objectively 'unreasonable' -- you're already resenting the driving stuff after a few months of what should be the honeymoon phase. It's clearly not going to work. I'm a non-driver and scrupulous about not relying on others for lifts. If I can't do a trip on public transport, taxi, foot or bike, I don't go. I probably wouldn't have entered into a relationship with someone at an inconvenient distance, and I certainly wouldn't date someone who didn't have their own place.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/06/2025 09:12

Well he’s got a mum at home, and now he has another one in you.
Come on, OP, you are worth more than this.
He may be emotionally available but on a practical level he’s behaving like a teenager.
So he doesn’t drive. Well he needs to work out how to get to you.
The food at the pub, watching you fill up your car, it’s like you have taken on another child.
It is going nowhere. He has everything he needs. A place to stay, a girlfriend who runs round after him, minimal contribution.
You deserve far, far better.
I wouldn’t even discuss it with him, it’s not your job to be his life coach.
Find someone who is grown up like you are.

MayaPinion · 04/06/2025 09:19

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/06/2025 08:58

So that he can campaign to move in with the OP, I think.

This is a currently non-resident cocklodger.

Show quote history

Nothing worse the a cock lodger in the wild. He’s looking for his new feathered nest.

healthybychristmas · 04/06/2025 09:21

All of his dreams came true when he met you. He can carry on behaving like a child and you can be his mum. I would be really put off by this and wouldn't be interested in dating him.

jubs15 · 04/06/2025 09:28

MatildaMovesMountains · 04/06/2025 07:27

I've only dated one non-driver and he was scrupulous about getting everywhere under his own steam; he never asked for lifts and would refuse them on principle because not driving was his choice.

I envy you! I get sick of acting like a free taxi driver to non-driving partners and friends. They never even offer any help towards the petrol/running costs; they don't even say, "I'll get your drink because you've done all the driving"!

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 04/06/2025 09:32

Tight Wad

PoliteRaven · 04/06/2025 09:32

He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things

How does his kindness manifest?

What does "saying all the right things" mean? Talk is cheap.

You already have doubts, I would listen to them.

MoominMai · 04/06/2025 09:46

PoliteRaven · 04/06/2025 09:32

He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things

How does his kindness manifest?

What does "saying all the right things" mean? Talk is cheap.

You already have doubts, I would listen to them.

Exactly this. How can a grown man not be conscious that his behaviour is very unbalanced. I just think he's being a CF tbh and pretending he’s not aware of the impact on you and probably can’t believe his luck in finding someone so accommodating to his man child needs.

Rainytoday · 04/06/2025 10:01

It sounds like it’s a lot of running around for you. That set up wouldn’t suit me.

I did go out with someone for a year who lived 30 miles away and he used to drive to see me. We split the bill for things like meals out but I wouldn’t have paid his petrol for him to come and see me as that was his choice!

Rainytoday · 04/06/2025 10:02

I do drive by the way so he didn’t pick me up and take me places. It was easier for him to visit me that’s all.

tripleginandtonic · 04/06/2025 10:07

You need to use your words. Does he ever buy or do anything for you? Silently seething wobt get you very far, if you can't speak up I'd leave it.

GoldDuster · 04/06/2025 10:16

It's early days and this is as good as it gets. It's possible to be 'emotionally available" and not a tightarse. You don't have to choose one or the other, and he certainly can't read a room and isn't particularly socially adept for sure.

What are you getting out of this? He sounds distinctly mid.

lolstevelol · 04/06/2025 10:17

Does he have a licence or just chooses not to drive.

T1Dmama · 04/06/2025 10:24

DaisyDaisyDaisy3 · 04/06/2025 07:16

I have been seeing a guy a few months. He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things and appears emotionally available.
He is looking for his own place as had to move back with his mum after his relationship ended.
He doesn’t have any children and he doesn’t drive. He is very fit and cycles to work. I have teenagers and I drive.
I have been driving to his area as it’s on my way home from work and as I work in the community, it has worked out ok. He has used public transport to come to me and I have had to take him home a couple of times.
As he doesn’t have his own place yet (and probably won’t for another 6 to 12 months), he has come to mine to stay a few times (looks like that’s how it will be). I have cooked etc. we have gone out but it’s me driving. We take it in turns to buy drinks and food.
I have started to feel like it’s a little unequal and wanted to hear your thoughts.
He was nights last week so I cooked for him Sunday and took him home on my way to work Monday (I have to go slightly out of my way). He has been off for 3 days and asked if I was visiting on Wednesday (today). I had already told him I have a busy week and I’m tired (time of the month). I told him I didn’t have any appointments his way this week and feeling tired. He answered with, you have driven my way before to see me without having appointments. I agreed but said I was so tired this week. I suggested getting a bus to lighten the load. Anyway he said he would see me Friday. He finishes work at 5 and I finish 4.30 so I said I would hang about for him. He suggested eating out so I agreed. Then he said whilst waiting for him, go to the pub and phone him to see what he wants and order our food. So basically pay. Then he said on Saturday we can go for a walk near where he lives (so I’m driving him home). I’m wondering where the romance in that is? He is not really thinking about my time and energy in all of this.
Im not feeling things are equal. I don’t mind taking it in turns with buying drinks and meals, I prefer that as I feel comfortable but I’m driving so it’s fuel and time and energy.
if he had his own place it might be more fair too.
I have driven to pick him up and taken him to look at a flat and payed for the food that day. We went to a pub after and I went to the toilet and he said, oh I thought you would have got a drink whilst in there. He watched me fill my car with fuel and take him home (as well as being in work all day and it was his day off). Later he said, oh I should have got the food, you paid for fuel.
Is he not getting it because he doesn’t drive?
How can I make this more equal?

I would text him or tell him next time you talk that he needs to get the food Friday as you put fuel in the car and also cook for him when he stays over!
In an adult relationship I think it’s important that if you can sleep with him, you can also talk freely with him….
If you feel unable to bring up something as simple as feeling like you’re doing all the running around, paying for fuel, cooking him meals etc… then I’d be asking myself if this is healthy - so if when he said ‘get the food ordered before I come (& pay for it) you’re unable to respond simply by saying ‘sorry no I can’t be paying AGAIN!’…. Then this relationship isn’t for you!

T1Dmama · 04/06/2025 10:32

Mumsnet really does make me question why single mothers (or anyone for that matter) worries about dating again….
I split from my husband 3 years ago and just can’t be bothered to date again…. Mumsnet reaffirms that decision on a daily basis…
mI’m a single mum now and my child is my priority. I have friends for adult conversation and feel absolutely no need what so ever to complicate my life with a male. I feel bad enough that my DD had to go through the heartbreak of her father & mine breakup, I don’t need to be uptight about a man messing me about around her.