Can you tell me your thoughts on this guy please?

[DaisyDaisyDaisy3]

I have been seeing a guy a few months. He appears genuine and kind, says all the right things and appears emotionally available.
He is looking for his own place as had to move back with his mum after his relationship ended.
He doesn’t have any children and he doesn’t drive. He is very fit and cycles to work. I have teenagers and I drive.
I have been driving to his area as it’s on my way home from work and as I work in the community, it has worked out ok. He has used public transport to come to me and I have had to take him home a couple of times.
As he doesn’t have his own place yet (and probably won’t for another 6 to 12 months), he has come to mine to stay a few times (looks like that’s how it will be). I have cooked etc. we have gone out but it’s me driving. We take it in turns to buy drinks and food.
I have started to feel like it’s a little unequal and wanted to hear your thoughts.
He was nights last week so I cooked for him Sunday and took him home on my way to work Monday (I have to go slightly out of my way). He has been off for 3 days and asked if I was visiting on Wednesday (today). I had already told him I have a busy week and I’m tired (time of the month). I told him I didn’t have any appointments his way this week and feeling tired. He answered with, you have driven my way before to see me without having appointments. I agreed but said I was so tired this week. I suggested getting a bus to lighten the load. Anyway he said he would see me Friday. He finishes work at 5 and I finish 4.30 so I said I would hang about for him. He suggested eating out so I agreed. Then he said whilst waiting for him, go to the pub and phone him to see what he wants and order our food. So basically pay. Then he said on Saturday we can go for a walk near where he lives (so I’m driving him home). I’m wondering where the romance in that is? He is not really thinking about my time and energy in all of this.
Im not feeling things are equal. I don’t mind taking it in turns with buying drinks and meals, I prefer that as I feel comfortable but I’m driving so it’s fuel and time and energy.
if he had his own place it might be more fair too.
I have driven to pick him up and taken him to look at a flat and payed for the food that day. We went to a pub after and I went to the toilet and he said, oh I thought you would have got a drink whilst in there. He watched me fill my car with fuel and take him home (as well as being in work all day and it was his day off). Later he said, oh I should have got the food, you paid for fuel.
Is he not getting it because he doesn’t drive?
How can I make this more equal?

Appreciate the update, really don't think he gets the demands on you. I think you would be better to find someone who is more thoughtful about your life.

I agree with this about the ordering of food. It’s a small thing but it’s very telling.

His actions, or lack of them, are telling you who he is.

There’s no effort or initiative on his part.

Personally, I don’t mind inequality of income, as long as it is matched in effort and thoughtfulness.

Ick. What has happened to men? They sit back and want someone to look after them instead of the other way around. It’s so off putting. Where’s the romance op? He’s hardly sweeping you off your feet is he?

So from the update it seems he can’t be arsed making much effort to see you or be thoughtful about the balance of travel/costs/ effort. Not good when it’s supposed to be the honeymoon period.

So he’s deliberately avoiding the point.

So from your update, he’s really jig interested in seeing anything from your POV and just takes you for granted.

Sorry OP but he’s a low effort bloke and that won’t ever get better. This is supposed to be him showing the best of himself - not great is it?

The update’s not great, OP. His view is that you’ve driven him before, therefore you must continue to do it for ever and ever, amen. He thinks it’s not fair for you to stop now.

The fact that he won’t ride a bus 60 minutes to see you, yet expects you to drive a 40 mile round trip to collect him (so that you can cook for him) is Grade A Wanker behaviour. And no contribution to fuel is the icing on the cake.

Time to throw this user back. You don’t need another teenager to ferry around.

this is just very unsexy

he doesn't sound like a functioning adult.

Bugger him. Set in his ways, full of excuses and you deserve a bit of 'go'. Onwards!!

He has just messaged to say he isn’t a mind reader and I could have asked him to make his way into near to where I work to meet up but if I was tired driving to him, I would have probably been tired doing that! I said it would have been nice for him to think about it without me saying and doing the running around and he just said he isn’t going to win on this one, not that anyone should win but he isn’t going to!
i tried to say it’s not about winning just saying how I feel. He kept saying he offered to see me Wednesday but what he wasn’t getting is the fact that yes that meant me driving out of my way to pick him up and him staying at mine. He said if I was tired he thought I might want to be left alone. Also I could have asked him to come nearer to where I work. I have told him I no longer want to talk about this as I’m tired from work and have another busy day ahead. We are going around in circles!
Thankyou everyone! I’m so grateful to be able to express myself here and have some feedback!
I honestly don’t believe there are any considerate guys out there!

God how boring, petty and lazy, quibbling over the his journey rather than taking an opportunity to show you a bit of romance and care.

I bet he has a change purse

Honestly instead of going 'I'm sorry, I didn't think, I'll try to be more considerate and take initiative in future' ...he's fucking arguing with you ?!?
Ick.
No.

He’s a bickering, small-minded, passive passenger in life looking for someone to do things for him, and arguing that nothing he asks needs to be convenient for you because you’ve done things for him before that weren’t convenient.

Those weekends away you’re hoping for with him - are you happy planning and arranging and paying for them all yourself, and doing all the driving / cooking / thinking / shopping?

The sex and company and conversation had better be absolutely fantastic to make up for the petulant wet-lettuce-ness of this man.

Seriously, who over the age of 17 dates while living with their mum and needing lifts everywhere? Couldn’t he wait until he got his life sorted a bit?

Hmmm initially I might have been inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt while also thinking he should be a little more thoughtful and considerate of the greater burden on you as the driver etc. But he really hasn’t responded that well to a bit of gentle criticism/discussion over this… which I think speaks volumes. It’s definitely a reasonable discussion to be having and he’s deliberately not seeing your point and saying “I can’t win” etc instead of listening to what you’re saying and trying to respond appropriately and make positive suggestions for solutions.

This would give me the ick. Honestly OP it’s up to you but be truthful with yourself and end it if these things are annoying you at this early stage - they are not going to get easier to put up with as time goes on

He's a very mean user that expects women to pay for him, feed him and drive him about.

He is a user, who thinks you are desperate.
Men like him always go for single mothers.
They like their set up.

I mean this kindly, but wake up.
He's really really mean and knows EXACTLY what he's doing sitting in his car with his hands in his pocket.

Sending you in for his food?
Really?
Where is your self respect feeding and paying for everything.

Dump his ass.
You deserve better that this mean man.
Keep him the hell away from your children.
You carry on and he'll want to move in.

He is awful to have around you home costing you money.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you see that you deserve much better than this.

IME non drivers are best sticking together, so that they have a joint lifestyle based on using other means of transport. All the drivers I know with non driver partners find themselves running the non driver around everywhere.

The mistake was collecting him to come to yours once. Now he feels entitled to lifts every single time you meet. Otherwise he’ll refuse to meet. And he refuses to have a pragmatic conversation about it—putting a full stop to it with “I can’t win.”

Leave him to it at Mummy’s house with his bike.

Awful! User & cocklodger. Telling you to get things ffs!!! Get rid

Start as you mean to go on OP.

If you stay with him, this is how it's going go be going forward.

Apart from valid reasons not to, I would never date a non driver. And that is the just tip of the iceberg here.

New dating is meant to be fun. Not exhausting.

It sounds like you're dating my teenager.

Yes, beautifully put, this in a nutshell! ^^

The petty bickering and not accepting any responsibility or apologising is deeply unattractive too!

“I’m not a mind reader” has been said by every lazy , uninspiring and selfish dh and partner in history who failed to sort date night, arrange a holiday, organise a birthday celebration or a child’s party, offer to pick up the kids from school, and start dinner, while their other half is away or out working.

You might get to a point where you could guide him and train him up op if he is otherwise ok, but who wants to have to do that constantly if his mindset is essentially selfish?

And it’s early days in the relationship! At this point he should be prepared to swim across oceans to come and see you! Back in the day, my now dh of many years, drove 300 miles so he could see me for a night and a day! I’d ditch him. You deserve so much better.

Where to meet a decent man that is the question? I had success following and supporting a rugby club. Just saying! 😃.

Good luck op! Time to throw this one back. Don’t give up! There are decent men out there.

How old are your children, OP? 13/14 is very different from 18/19 in terms of bringing your new boyfriend round to stay. Choose wisely.

You sound more like his mum, you’re dating down rather than someone who is at the same stage in life as you. I think you have to stop this pattern of looking after him, no mothering or wife duties while dating, he needs to show you he’s capable because he wants to rather than convenience.

Would now ditch for the ‘I’m not a mind reader’ and ‘can’t win’ bollocks at such an early stage!