DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Thank you for the warning.

a mother’s love is unconditional, and she will be there for him no matter what he’s done. But she’s going to be SO pissed off with him too. This isn’t how she raised him.
id love to move on with her support (emotional and practical) but having read previous threads about similar subjects on here, I know that they always choose him eventually. They have to.

I wasn't married but DP did the same to me, had me convinced I was delusional because of my anxiety and even asked me to get therapy (which I did) and he knew all along what I was saying about his affair was correct.

I hope in the spirit of ‘working at your relationship long term’ you got him to handover all the passwords crypto / savings and declare any other assets 😂

The spineless shit of a man sounds deeply unhappy in the relationship as well. He may well now be off getting his own ducks in a row and hiding assets so he can force a divorce on you after your littlest turns 2 and say he tried his best. But I think you know he’s going to want to come out of this the good guy and leave you looking like the bad one / dress you you as insane. So prepare yourself and build a game plan around that - document his abuse, write down everything you can remember from before and all of the small insidious comments as he says them. Contact Women’s Aid and your GP to begin and tell them you’re in an abusive relationship- because you are, and I think you’ve been minimising it in order to survive and fix things. Build a case (and support of course) around what he’s been doing to you and discuss with your solicitor. If nothing else it might help with leverage when he gets nasty.

Do you think he’ll move out once you tell him you’re divorcing him? Everything you describe would suggest he’ll make it as nasty as he can but make out it’s you that’s causing the problems. Get ahead of that narrative and tell everyone you can first before he gets a chance. My guess is he’ll try and move on with the OW but leave a respectful amount of time before he does so if you name her, it’ll undo this. And scorched earth would be tell his work anonymously for good measure. Depending on his role, it’s probably not a sackable offence but will damage his professional reputation which would be in your interest as you may still want him working so he can pay CMS and not divorcing on the premise he’s unemployed!

3 days down. Keep going.

Being prepared is the best way to deal with a divorce, I’d normally say that the cheater has the upper hand as they’ve prepared themselves for the divorce. However you’re in a position of power now to get all those ducks in a row. As a PP said, work out what you think is fair for you and the dc and work towards that.

Indod exactly this and feel we had a ‘fair’ divorce. The fact I didn’t feel done over was enough for me.

An example was the house, we decided I’d buy him out so we could keep the kids in their home, to avoid upset. We agreed I’d give him a lump sum equalling to half the equity. We went to mediation, he valued the house about 50k over what I did. He came to mediation with no proof of value, just that the houses had gone up in value since we’d bought it (his opinion). I went with 3 estate agent valuations, and told him I’d be happy to agree on the middle of the three and he’d get half the equity based on that. He was unprepared so couldn’t argue, I was prepared and simply went for the fair option.

If you have the kids 50/50 and neither of you pay CMS and you’re unlikely to get more of the assets.
At their ages I wouldn’t go for 50/50 personally, maybe 60/40. You can always adjust in the future and move to 50/50 when they’re older but I’d be securing a settlement that has you as primary parent and getting a bigger settlement as a result. CMS doesn’t form part of the settlement.

You are doing amazing OP.

Sorry to quote but app won’t let me reply any other way. Sounds like you have it all under control OP. Like you I would absolutely want to let the OW know thing things he’s been lying to her about - but not until your homework is complete! Well done playing the long game.

You won’t get child support if you do 50-50 with the kids. You need to consider too he might not want 50-50, or he might start it and decide it’s too hard work. You need to consider how you’ll manage your long office days if he isn’t doing any weekly childcare. Good luck.

I’m intrigued @EmmaThompsonsTears

We had a long and civilised discussion about problems in our relationship and whether or not we wanted to fix them

What was his take on what your relationship problems are? All your fault or did he take any accountability for being a belittling bully?

Let’s hope he’s off ending things with the OW now you’re both on the same page, just in time for you to serve him 😃

Really hoping you didn’t have to play dodge the sausage last night with him either 😬

That’s not always the case. My friend’s daughter recently divorced and her ex insisted on 50/50 however the huge disparity in their earnings meant that he still has to pay some Child Support.
Strangely he isn’t so bothered about 50/50 now.

If you've a good relationship with your mother today would be a really good day to gift her a large amount of money if you have it.

So when you tell cheating scumbag you found out "this week" that moneys already gone.. you mother can be generous in return once the divorce is sorted

Speaking as a divorced mother, please take the higher ground and remain dignified throughout this process. Don’t contact the woman and speak respectfully to your husband. You will be proud of yourself in the future when you and your children are living a happy life and your ex husband has been ditched by his new girlfriend 😊

If you’d rather go on holiday without him …
I’d wait till he next criticises you, tell him you are trying your very best, that it’s hard work with two children under five and you’ve noticed how stressed he’s been. You understand he works so hard and wish the holiday could be a time for him to actually rest up but with the children, it’s going to be full on. I’d be sympathetic but it gives him an excuse to pull out of the holiday. Don’t suggest it!! If he starts saying ‘you're right, I am stressed, I’d prefer to stay at home and put my feet up.’ I’d tell him that obviously you’d all miss him but if the only way for him to unwind and relax is to stay home this holiday, then you understand.
I would act the concerned wife who since the relationship talk is bending over backwards to make the marriage work, any suspect behaviour with him going for walk (to ring OW) etc I’d be encouraging as it obviously helps him unwind. Don’t ask questions, play the naive wife who worries about her workaholic DH. 🤣

Yes good point, it’s a good rule of thumb but with all of these things there are exceptions such as discrepancy in earnings.

Op, ask your solicitor about whether going up to five days a week will harm your settlement and whether holding off until your smallest is a bit older will work in your favour - particularly if you’re the resident parent.

Please get yourself tested if you were still having sex! Can I ask why you were still intimate if he was being abusive? I don't want to pry but your other replies are concerning with the level of abuse you were suffering with.

Hello op. Hope today goes ok on holiday.

Don’t expect much satisfaction from his mother. Not just because blood is thicker than water but because he’ll feed her the @EmmaThompsonsTears is a terrible wife / bad mother / psycho bitch from hell narrative.

Such brilliant advice. Please keep reading this @EmmaThompsonsTears.

You're a superstar, OP.

Yes, and you can still be un-emotional and calm about it to his face, while telling a few people around you that he had an affair (quietly and matter of fact, rather than emotional and posting on social media etc)

I agree with the ‘take the high ground’ scenario. What may feel good in your head will just allow him to confirm to himself (and others) that you are the problem. You need to remember what’s important- leaving with the best deal for you and the kids.

If he isn’t an absolute monster then one day he will look back and realise how badly he treated you. Probably when he gets dumped or realises that this OW isn’t the solution to all his problems. He is the problem and he’s stuck with himself! Luckily you won’t be for very much longer.

You are allowed to rage to your friends, family and MN. But to him I would be calm and pragmatic when confronting him over his cheating and divorce. Something along the lines of ‘I am hurt that you moved on with someone else before telling me you didn’t want to be together anymore. I am disappointed you didn’t put your own feelings aside and support your family while we were in such a vulnerable situation. But we’re here now. My priority is making sure the children are put first and both of us are able to give them the life they deserve as they are blameless in all this. I hope now that you are not hiding your double life that you won’t feel the need to blame me for keeping you away from your girlfriend. Let’s move forward with the best intentions.’

With his mum, tell her a similar version. No anger, just disappointment and hurt with the aim to move forward with civility for your children. When you come at it with anger they feel the need to defend which removes their ability to empathise.

Gather all the evidence you need but don’t reveal it unless you need to. If he declares everything and splits it fairly then no need for animosity. If he tries to screw you, you come with receipts.

This way he still gets to be the ‘good guy’ by financially taking care of his family in the split. Keep yourself going by knowing you are now manipulating him to get what you want. You don’t need to mean it, you just need to seem like you do.

Good advice, do make sure you get in first by documenting the situation with a lawyer and as TheRealMrsFeltz
says, contact Women’s Aid too.
Good luck!

YES OP ❤️❤️❤️
you have got this! Sending strength & solidarity x

You could tell her a sad tale about a "friend" of yours, with all the details of your own situation but pretending they’re about the friend. She'll almost certainly express great sympathy for the friend and horror and disgust at the friend's DH.

Then a couple of days later break the news about who the friend and the friend's DH really are.

Just to echo pps, don't expect any support from his family. (you might be lucky but manage your expectations)
My ex monster in law told me point blank that IF he'd cheated it was because I drove him to it.
I was then subjected to constant abuse from his family. Monsters in law and various other family members lived in the same small village. I couldn't even go to the local shop.
I calmly explained to him that if they felt the need to continue with the abuse I would feel the need to plaster hundreds of copies of his sexting with OW (including the pics of both wanking) on every wall, bus stop and lamppost in a 5 mile radius.
It stopped.

A friend of mine’s husband went for 50:50 in the hope of not paying child support but he still has to due to his earnings. He’s very resentful of it. Twat.